Lapsus Calami (Apr 1891)/An Election Address

by J.K.S.

An Election Address.
(To Cambridge University, 1882.)

 

I venture to suggest that I
⁠Am rather noticeably fit
To hold the seat illumined by
⁠The names of Palmerston and Pitt.

My principles are such as you
⁠Have often heard expressed before:
They are, without exception, true;
⁠And who can say, with candour, more?

My views concerning Church and State
⁠Are such as Bishops have professed:
I need not recapitulate
⁠The arguments on which they rest.

Respecting Ireland, I opine
⁠That Ministers are in a mess,
That landlords rule by Right Divine,
⁠That Firmness will remove Distress.

I see with horror undisguised
⁠That freedom of debate is dead:
The Liberals are organised:
⁠The Caucus rears its hideous head.

Yet need'st thou, England, not despair
⁠At Chamberlain's or Gladstone's pride,
While Henry Cecil Raikes is there
⁠To organise the other side.

I never quit, as others do,
⁠Political intrigue, to seek
The dingy literary crew,
⁠Or hear the voice of science speak.

But I have fostered, guided, planned
⁠Commercial enterprise: in me
Some ten or twelve directors and
⁠Six worthy chairmen you may see.

My academical career
⁠Was free from any sort of blot:
I challenge anybody here
⁠To demonstrate that it was not.

At classics too I worked amain,
⁠Whereby I did not only pass,
But even managed to obtain
⁠A very decent second class.

And since those early days, the same
⁠Success has crowned the self-same plan;
Profundity I cannot claim:
⁠Respectability I can.

Pall Mall Gazette, Nov. 27, 1882.