At the Inn of the Gory Dagger, with nothing to win or lose

by Robert E. Howard

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At the Inn of the Gory Dagger, with nothing to win or lose,
With pistols thrust in their girdles and boots, guzzled the pirate crews.
There was Bill with the tattooed buttocks, and Tom with the timber leg,
And Barbarous Mike from Liverpool—oh, he was a tough, tough yegg!
Our goblets banged on the table tops, our laughter rose in a gust.
And now and then a shot cracked out and someone kissed the dust.
It made a man right nervous, ducking the cutlass cuts,
And every so often someone yelled with a sword thrust through his guts.
The hot oaths cracked the ceilings, the goblet burned at the lip,
And we reveled and killed one another in goodly fellowship.
Then up from a wine stained table, shouting for five more beers,
Rose Eve of the Sash of Crimson, the queen of the buccaneers!
And over across the tavern room, with a bellow coarse and rude
Rose Murderous Mike who called himself king of the Brotherhood!
“Here and at once,” Eve shouted, “We ’ull settle this case for all!
“With the slash of a keen edged cutlass or the crack of a pistol ball!”
For there was a feud between the two as who should rule the seas.
Eve stood with her skirt of scarlet that did not reach her knees.
She wore fine boots of leather that left her white knees bare,
A sleeveless, low necked jacket, and a ribbon in her hair.
Around her slender and shapely waist was wound her crimson sash,
Therein was a slender rapier, keen as a riding lash.
Murderous Mike was a mighty man, in knots his muscles stood,
He’d the name of the hardest bastard in all of the Brotherhood.
His arms were like the masts of a ship, bulging and iron strong,
And ’twas said of him that his penis was nineteen inches long.
“Hold everything, bold messmates,” said Anaconda Bill,
“Ain’t they no way to settle this, without you got to kill?
“Oh keep them deadly weepings alongside of your pants,
“And settle it the peaceful way, along o’ gymes o’ chance.”
“This is too deep for peaceful games,” said Mike, “It will not do!
“For mumble peg or tiddledy-winks, or matching nickels too!”
“Out sword, you crumby son-of-a-whore,” Eve challenged high and shrill,
“And I will cut your liver out and fry it on the grill!”
“Each man to his own weapon,” Mike answer straightway made,
“I will not use a sword or gun to master a saucy jade.”
“Then what, in the name of Satan?” Eve tossed aside her sword,
And all we buccaneers stood still, a wondering gaping horde.
He caught her close in his iron arms, while she cursed at her helplessness,
And he slapped her buttocks down on the board and lifted up her ’dress.
Then he drew forth his penis—an ox it would have felled—
And when Eve saw the size of it, she opened her mouth and yelled.
But though she kicked and struggled and did her very best,
Once it was fairly in her, she did not seem distressed.
And while we yelled and cheered them on, there on the board began
As fierce fought battle as ever was waged by woman and man.
A test of strength and endurance till the roof began to spin,
And still he could not wear her down, and he would not give in.
They jazzed till the sun came up in the east, they jazzed till the sun went down
Their muscles cracked and their brows were set in a death-or-victory frown.
The moon came up and the moon went down and the matter was still in doubt,
But she was growing stronger and he was wearing out.
And as the east was growing red, and the light of day came in
He tumbled off her onto his back and gasped, “Oh Hell, you win!”
And the sun that rose and glimmered over the distant leas
Looked on a humbled chieftain and the mistress of the seas!