Little Mr Bouncer and His Friend Verdant Green/Chapter 8
CHAPTER VIII.
LITTLE MR. BOUNCER BEGS CHARLES LARKYNS TO UNFOLD HIS TALE.
ITTLE Mr. Bouncer's guests were continuing their talk concerning the recent examinations, and the various unfortunates who had "come to grief" by the "ploughings" and "pluckings," that, in University parlance, signified rejection and failure. The plucking process seemed to be well-nigh as painful as the plucking of live geese for a few of their wing feathers and the soft down of their breasts—a scene afterwards witnessed by little Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Verdant Green when they were in the Cheviot country on a visit to the Honeywoods; and when they saw it, their lively imaginations converted the old woman into a real college Don, and the poor plucked geese into helpless undergraduates.
"At any rate," said Mr. Blades, commonly known as "Billy," the captain of the Brazenface Boat, "Broughton would not come to grief through too much cleverness, as they say Harwood, of Lincoln, did; for, when the examiners asked him some question on a frightfully abstruse subject, and said, 'What is your opinion on that point?' he replied, 'I should like to ask what is your opinion, gentlemen?' And it was generally thought—as Broughton would have phrased it—that the examiners could not have explained it to him half so clearly as he could to them. However, how it was I don't know; but it is certain that Harwood was recommended to wait for the next examination; and most people fancied that he was sent down for his bumptiousness."
"Some men," said Charles Larkyns, "get through by a fluke, and some men get plucked by a fluke."
"Charley, don't be personal!" groaned little Mr. Bouncer. "You hurts my feelings. I went to your rooms twice yesterday, and could n't find you. Where were you, and what were you doing with yourself? Tell us all about it."
"That 's a skilful way of diverting remarks from yourself, Bouncer, and carrying the war into the enemy's country," said Mr. Flexible Shanks. "But by all means let us hear how Larkyns was improving the shining hours."
Charles Larkyns took a pull at his pipe and another at his pewter, and said, "So you want to know what I was doing with myself yesterday? Then, lend me your ears, and list, list, oh, list!"
"That 's quite the recruiting sergeant," observed Mr. Bouncer. "Now Charley, unfold your tale, there 's a good old doggie." And he patted Buz's head, who took the observation as intended for himself.
"You must know, then, my beloved friends, and all whom it may concern," said Charles Larkyns, "that I went down to Nuneham, with some men, in a house boat. I daresay, altogether, there were about fifty of us, and Smirke, of Balliol, was there. He is a man who gets excited on a bottle of pop; and, as he had injudiciously mixed his liquors, although he had not taken much, yet the little he had imbibed had got into his head, and made him unusually hilarious. Just after we had started on our way home, I was sitting by him, and when some one offered him some claret-cup I advised him not to touch it, but to have a drink of water if he felt thirsty. 'Would the water be best for me, do you think?' said Smirke! 'because, if so, I had better have a good draught.' And, with that, before I could stop him, he jumped on to the side of the boat, and took a header into the river. We knew that he was a first-rate swimmer; so we were not alarmed at his thus taking a bath with his clothes on; and he very soon appeared on the surface, puffing and blowing like a grampus. We quickly pulled him on board, and he was taken into the cabin, where he shook himself out of his wet clothes, and was rigged out in a new suit by subscription. One man, who had a jersey on, lent him his shirt; another man gave him a pair of boating-trousers that he had on board; another, a boating-coat; another, a straw hat; and so on. In order to prevent his catching cold, indiscreet friends exhibited to him, as Doctors say, a mixture of hot brandy-and-water, in which, I expect, the spirit was in excess of the water. After this, Smirke again grew hilarious; and one man after another kept coming down into the cabin, and saying, 'Well done, old fellow! you did that splendidly! you took to the water like a Newfoundland dog!' and such like terms of commendation.
"'You thought I did it well, did you?' said Smirke. 'Then I 'll do it again!' and before any one could stop him he jumped through the cabin window. As he did so, the men who had rigged him out by subscription thought it was high time to look after their property and keep it dry. So the man who had lent him the shirt rushed forward and managed to catch Smirke by one leg, just as that leg was disappearing on the river-side of the cabin window. But, Smirke being no chicken, and, of course, being a dead-weight while he was thus suspended in the air, it was too much for his supporter, who, though he refused to let go his hold, was gradually disappearing out of the cabin window. At this critical juncture, the donor of the shirt was tightly grasped by the donor of the trousers; and thus, for a few seconds, the human chain was suspended, the donor of the trousers exhorting the donor of the shirt not to let go, and the donor of the shirt making a vigorous but vain effort to keep both himself and Smirke out of the river.
"Then there came the sound of a rent; Smirke's trousers had given way, and yielded to the strain so unexpectedly put upon them; and their temporary wearer went headlong into the river, quickly followed by the owners of trousers and shirt; for the sudden jerk was too much for their equilibrium, and they
toppled in after Smirke and after each other. All three could swim like fishes, and the only danger was that they might be lost through the convulsions of laughter into which those on board fell, and in which those who had fallen into the water heartily joined. Smirke paddled lazily to and fro, appearing to enjoy his ducking; and when the other two swam to him and endeavoured to convey him on board he declared that he was the Diver of the Adriatic, and that he was going in search of the ring with which the Doge of Venice had married the sea; and that the two others were base conspirators who wanted to get it from him: and a whole lot of bosh. Whereupon, they began a sort of duck-hunt in the water, which was no small fun, and which, from the jollity of its nature, seemed so infectious, that I confess
that I and a few others were very nearly tempted to join them in their worship of Isis."
"Oh! I say, Charley!" shouted Mr. Billy Blades, "don't do that again, or I shall vote that you are sconced. Your puns are ponderous."
"A pun' weight, I suppose?" laughed Charles Larkyns; for which further offence there was a yell of indignation. "But, to return to my muttons, who, in this instance, were like sheep being washed—except that it was warmer weather than that in which sheep are usually washed, and, consequently, the ducking was proportionately more enjoyable. At last we prevailed on them to cease their funning, and come on board; where Smirke trundled himself after the fashion of a Newfoundland dog when he comes out of the sea; and, of course, sent a showery spray over every one with whom he came in contact, while, like Mazeppa's horse, he urged on his wild career, until we locked him up in the cabin, safe out of harm's way. We were not long in getting back to Folly Bridge, where our three drowned men got themselves dry things at Hall's; and then, being dry without, must needs be wet within; and, so, adjourned to a tidy little shop close by, where we gave them some callidum-cum and got some frigidum-sine for ourselves; and so—as old Pepys would have said—back to College, and safe in before Gates. And there you have the full, true, and particular account of my doings yesterday." And Charles Larkyns filled the bowl of his long "Churchwarden" from a tobacco-box shaped like a nigger's head, and begged Mr. Bouncer also to fill his tankard.