| 2. That it is honourable. | 2. Being what I am, ought I not therefore to decline it— (1) as humiliation; |
And so on. He found in the end ten "negative reasons," with no affirmative ones to balance them, and, after a week's deliberation, he rejected the offer.
But peace of mind was as far off from him as ever. First the bitter thought came to him that "in all this Satan tells me I am doing it to be thought mortified and holy"; and then he was obsessed by the still bitterer feelings of ineradicable disappointment and regret. He had lost a great opportunity, and it brought him small comfort to consider that "in the region of counsels, self-chastisement, humiliation, self-discipline, penance, and of the Cross" he had perhaps done right.
The crisis passed, but it was succeeded by a fiercer one. Manning was taken seriously ill, and became convinced that he might die at any moment. The entries in his diary grew more elaborate than ever; his remorse for the past, his resolutions for the future, his protestations of submission to the will of God, filled page after page of parallel columns, headings and sub-headings, numbered clauses, and analytical tables. "How do I feel about Death?" he wrote. "Certainly great fear—
1. Because of the uncertainty of our state before God.
2. Because of the consciousness—
- (1) of great sins past,
- (2) of great sinfulness,
- (3) of most shallow repentance.
What shall I do?"
He decided to mortify himself, to read St. Thomas
