280 POSTHUMOUS PAPERS Of
mortal plate as ever was baked, could ha' stood the wear and tear. What d'ye think it was all for?"
" For another tea-drinkin*, perhaps," said Sam.
" Not a bit on it," replied the father ; " for the shepherd's water- rate, Sammy."
" The shepherd's water-rate!" said Sam.
" Ay," replied Mr. Weller, " there was three quarters owin*, and the shepherd hadn't paid a farden, not he — perhaps it might be on account that the water warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery little o* that tap he drinks, Sammy, wery ; he knows a trick worth a good half dozen of that, he does. Hows'ever, it warn't paid, and so they cuts the water off. Down goes the shepherd to chapel, gives out as he's a persecuted saint, and says he hopes the heart of the turncock as cut the water off, '11 be softened, and turned in the right vay, but he rayther thinks he s booked for somethin' uncomfortable. Upon this, the women calls a meetin', sings a hymn, wotes your mother-in-law into the chair, wolunteers a col-lection next Sunday, and hands it all over to ^e shepherd. And if he ain't got enough out on 'em, Sammy, to make him free of the water company for life," said Mr. Weller, in conclusion, " I'm one Dutchman, and you're another, and that's all about it."
Mr. Weller smoked for some minutes in silence, and then resumed —
" The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that they reg'larly turns the heads of all the young ladies, about here. Lord bless their little hearts, they thinks it's all right, and don't know no better ; but they're the wictims o' gammon, Samivel, they're the wictims o' gammon."
" I s'pose they are," said Sam.
" Nothin' else," said Mr. Weller, shaking his head gravely ; " and wot aggrawates me, Samivel, is to see 'em a wastin' all their time and labour in making clothes for copper-coloured people as don't want 'em, and taking no notice of the fle«>^-coloured Christians as do. If I'd my vay, Samivel, I'd just stick some o' these here lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow, and run 'em up and down a fourteen-inch-wide plank all day. That 'ud shake the nonsense out of 'em, if anythin* vould."
Mr. Weller having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis, eked out by a variety of nods and contortions of the eye, emptied his glass at a draught, and knocked the ashes out of his pipe, with native dignity.
He was engaged in this operation, when a shrill voice was heard in the passage.
" Here's your dear relation, Sammy," said Mr. Weller ; and Mrs. W. hurried into the room.
" Oh, you've come back, have you I " said Mrs. Weller.
" Yes, my dear," replied Mr. Weller, filling a fresh pipe.
« Has Mr. Stiggins been back ? " said Mrs. Weller.
" No, my dear, he hasn't," replied Mr. Weller, lighting the pipe by the ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof, between the tongs, a red-hot coal from the adjacent fire ; " and what's more, nay dear, I shall manage to surwive it, if he don't come hack at all."
I,
