The Pig and the Box
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For Akino and Caitlyn,
my cute little lunatics
Once upon a time, in a small house in the country, there lived a lonely old pig named Pig. Like most pigs, he did not have a lot. Some days, he barely had enough food to eat. He was quite the unhappy hog.
One morning, Pig found an especially large turnip in his garden.
"That is one big turnip,” he said to himself. “I don't remember planting any turnips. Not even giant ones. This has to go."
So Pig pulled, and he yanked, and pulled some more until... POP! The turnip shot out of the ground and broke in two! Inside the turnip was a plain wooden box.
"What an odd place to keep a box," said Pig, "Usually, you keep the turnips in a box, not the other way around. What silly person is going around putting boxes in turnips?"
Pig decided the box was a great place to put carrots. So he picked a carrot from his garden and threw it into the box.
Just then, something amazing happened! The box tipped over, and out of it spilled TWENTY-SEVEN CARROTS!
Pig said to himself: "I am quite certain I did not throw twenty-seven carrots in there just now. This makes as much sense as a cow wearing a tutu."
Pig had to make sure he wasn’t going crazy. He very carefully threw just ONE potato into the box. In an instant, the box tipped over, and TWENTY-SEVEN POTATOES DROPPED OUT! Pig freaked out. He had a magic box! He was so happy he nearly danced like an orang-utan. He knew right away that he did not want to let anyone else use the box, because it belonged to him. Anyway, they would probably want to copy stinky things like old eggs and garlic.
So Pig put a sign next to the box that read:
- MAGIC BOX
- ONLY PIG MAY USE IT
- GO AWAY
Then he carried his twenty-seven carrots and twenty-seven potatoes inside his house.
Before he could even close the door, a crazy squirrel ran up and started dancing like he had bees in his underwear.
"Lolipop Jones!" shouted the squirrel.
"What?" asked Pig.
"Lllllllolipop Jones!" replied the squirrel, so Pig slammed the door and went back to his dinner. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Someone knocked at the door and scared Pig right onto his bum. He ran to the door, opened the door, and there on the doorstep was a duck named Duck.
"I would like to use your magic box please," said Duck, "I want to copy an apple, and I will pay you one gold coin!"
“Oh, all right,” said Pig.
They went outside to the box, and Pig let Duck throw her apple inside. The box tipped right over and TWENTY-SEVEN APPLES DROPPED OUT!
"Wacky-doodle-dandy!" said Duck. "Wait a second!” said Pig, “What are you going to do with these apples? Ducks don't eat apples."
"Well—" began Duck.
"You LIE!" shouted Pig, and he got a bucket from his house.
"The apples go in here,” Pig said, “This is a magic bucket. If anyone but YOU tries to take an apple out of this bucket, all the apples will EXPLODE!"
“But but but…” said Duck.
“Go away!” shouted Pig, “I don’t trust you at all!”
He sent Duck away with her bucket full of apples, and went back inside his house to find his pot boiling over. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Someone knocked at the door and scared Pig right onto his nose. He ran to the door, opened the door, and there on the doorstep was a cute little bunny named Bunny.
"Lolipop Jones!" yelled Bunny.
"WHAT?" said Pig.
"I dunno, a crazy squirrel made me say it," said Bunny. "Anyway, I need to copy a banana for my grandma please! I brought you a gold coin, too!"
“Oh, all right,” said Pig.
They went outside to the box, and Pig let Bunny throw his banana inside. The box tipped right over and TWENTY-SEVEN BANANAS DROPPED OUT!
"Crazy, dude!" said Bunny. "Wait a second!” said Pig, “What are you going to do with these bananas? Bunnies don't eat bananas."
"Heh, funny story…" began Bunny.
"You LIE!" shouted Pig, and he got another bucket from his house.
"The bananas go in here,” Pig said, “This is a magic bucket. If I find out you're doing something bad with those bananas, all I have to do is jump up and down three times, and all the bananas will DISAPPEAR!"
“But but but…” said Bunny.
“Go away!” shouted Pig, “I don’t trust you either!”
He sent Bunny away with his bucket full of bananas, and went back inside his house to find his carrots on fire. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Someone knocked at the door and scared Pig right onto his eyeball! He ran to the door, opened the door, and there on the doorstep was a slow little turtle named Maurice.
"I've got a coconut," said Maurice.
"It's lovely," said Pig.
"I'd like a bunch,” said Maurice, “And I've got a gold coin, too." Pig just sighed.
They went outside to the box, and Pig let Maurice throw his coconut inside. The box tipped right over and TWENTY-SEVEN COCONUTS DROPPED OUT!
"Woo. Hoo." said Maurice slowly. "Wait a second!” said Pig, “What are you going to do with these coconuts? Turtles don't eat coconuts."
Maurice took so long to reply that Pig thought he must be lying about something.
"You LIE!” shouted Pig, and he got another bucket from his house.
"The coconuts go in here,” Pig said, “This is a magic bucket. If you try and bring them anywhere but your kitchen, the bucket will FLY BACK TO ME!"
“But but but…” said Maurice.
“I don’t trust you at all, and you smell like CHEESE!” shouted Pig.
He sent Maurice away with his bucket full of coconuts, and went back inside his house to find his potatoes had turned to mush. Before he could even close the door, the crazy squirrel was there, dancing like a lunatic and blowing bubbles from his nose.
"Lllllllolipop Jones!" sang the squirrel, and ran away.
Pig was so mad that he started jumping up and down in fury.
"Go away!” he screamed, “Go away and leave me alone, you crazy little furball!"
Just then, Duck came bounding up the road. She was covered from head to toe in sticky, gooey apple sauce.
"Yoooooou stinky Pig!" yelled Duck.
"What happened to YOU?" gasped Pig.
"My baby duckling tried to eat an apple for snack time, and ALL THE APPLES EXPLODED! Why can’t I share the apples with my family, Pig?”
“Oh…” said Pig. “Yoooooou cranky Pig!” yelled Bunny, running up the road.
"What happened to YOU?" gasped Pig and Duck.
"My grandma was making banana cream pie!" Bunny cried, "But when it came out of the oven, ALL THE BANANAS HAD DISAPPEARED! She was so mad, she THREW IT AT ME! You jumped three times, DIDN’T YOU, PIG?!” said Bunny.
“Um… well…” said Pig.
“Yoooooou… Pig!” yelled Maurice, running up the road wearing a coconut instead of his shell.
"What happened to YOU?" gasped Pig and Duck and Bunny.
"I tried to eat a coconut in my dining room, and all of a sudden the bucket flew away! One coconut hit me so hard, I ended up INSIDE IT! Why do I always have to eat in my kitchen, Pig?"
“Er… well…” said Pig.
"You look funny,” said Bunny to Maurice, “Can I roll you?" Pig was so upset he sat down and started to cry.
"This magic box is nothing but trouble!" he sobbed, "It makes apples explode, it makes bananas disappear, and it makes coconuts eat turtles!"
"It doesn't do any of those things!" snapped Duck, "YOU did all those things! You should learn to SHARE!"
Duck was right! The magic box was doing what it was supposed to do! It was Pig who was nothing but trouble!
Pig decided to make things right. He decided not to use any more magic buckets ever again, and he replaced the old nasty sign with a new one that read:
- MAGIC SHARING BOX
- USE IT!
People came from far and wide to use his magic box. Whenever they got their copies, they always left him some, too. Pig especially liked the vegetables.
After a while, Pig became an expert at cooking, and opened a family restaurant with booths and jukeboxes and chairs made out of upside-down buckets.
He called the restaurant "Lolipop Jones", but he didn't know why.
Everything turned out just fine. That is, until the crazy squirrel threw HIMSELF into the box...