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The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 11/From Esther Vanhomrigh to Jonathan Swift - 2

DUBLIN, 1714.

YOU bid me be easy and you would see me as often as you could. You had better have said, as often as you could get the better of your inclinations so much; or, as often as you remembered there was such a one in the world. If you continue to treat me as you do, you will not be made uneasy by me long. It is impossible to describe what I have suffered since I saw you last. I am sure I could have born the rack much better than those killing words of yours. Sometimes I have resolved to die without seeing you more; but those resolves, to your misfortune, did not last long. For, there is something in human nature, that promps one so to find relief in this world, I must give way to it: and beg you would see me and speak kindly to me, for I am sure, you would not condemn any one to suffer what I have done, could you but know it. The reason I write to you is, because I cannot tell it to you should I see you. For, when I begin to complain, then you are angry; and there is something in your looks so awful, that it strikes me dumb. Oh! that you may have but so much regard for me left, that this complaint may touch your soul with pity. I say as little as ever I can; did you but know what I thought, I am sure it would move you to forgive me, and believe, I cannot help telling you this and live[1].

  1. A letter from Dr. Swift, dated Philipstown, Nov. 5, 1714, says, that he was going to a friend upon a promise, being then a mile from Trim, when miss Vanhomrigh's servant overtook him with a letter. She was then at Kilrhohid, and would go to town on the Monday following, to her lodging in Turnstile alley. He concludes thus; "I have rode a tedious journey to day, and can say no more. Nor shall you know where I am, till I come, and then I will see you. A fig for your letters and messages. Adieu."