A Treatise concerning the Use and Abuse of the Marriage Bed/Chapter 6
CHAP. VI.
HE Subject of this Chapter is very particular, and the Effects of it sometimes very dismal; one would think it was hardly to be named among Christians, that in a Country where we pretend so much to personal, as well as national Liberty, any such Violences could be offered, or at least be suffered.
As Matrimony should be the Effect of a free and previous Choice in the Persons marrying, so the breaking in by Violence upon the Choice and Affection of the Parties, I take to be the worst kind of Rape; whether the Violence be the Violence of Perswasion or of Authority; I mean, such as that of Paternal Authority, or otherwise; for as to legal Authority, there is nothing of that can interpose in it; the Laws leave it where it ought to be left, and the Laws of Matriinony, in particular, leave it all upon the Choice of the Person, and in the Power of their Will; and therefore, as by the Office of Matrimony appears, it does not say to the Person, Thou shalt take this Man, or thou shalt take this Woman, but Wilt thou take this Man, and Wilt thou take this Woman? and unless the Person says, I WILL, which is a Declaration of free Consent, and indeed strongly implies a free Choice, there can be no Matrimony.
Hence I might enter into a long Discourse of the Justice of young People on either Side, resisting the Perswasions, nay, indeed the Commands of those who otherwise they ought to obey, in a Case of this moment. I should be very loth to say any thing here to encourage Breach of Duty in Children to Parents; but as in this Case the Command seems exorbitant, so the Obedience seems to be more limited than in any other, and therefore I may go farther here than I would do in any of the Points of Subordination in other Cases.
It is a Maxim in Law as well as in Reason, there is no Duty in Obeying where there is no Authority to Command; or, if you will, thus: There is no Obligation to Obey where there is no Right to Command; the Parent has, no question, a right to Command, nay, to govern and over-rule the Child in all lawful Things: But if the Parent commands the Child to do an unlawful Action, the Child may decline it; for a Thing cannot be lawful and unlawful at the same time.
It is evident in the Case before me, if the Parent commands his Child to marry such or such a Person, and the Child either cannot love the Person, or at the same time declares he or she is engaged in Affection to another, the Command of the Parent cannot be lawfully obeyed, because it is unlawful for the Child to marry any Person he or she cannot love; nay, the very doing it is destructive of Matrimony, and they must either lie one way or other, or else they cannot obey it, for they cannot be married: For example,
A Father says to his Son, I would have you marry such a young Lady.
Oh! Sir, says the Son, I beg of you don't desire of it me, she is a Woman that of all the Women in the World, I would not marry upon any Account whatever.
Don't tell me you will not marry her, says the Father, I have good Reasons for your having her.
But, Sir, says the Son, I hope you won't insist upon it; for I can't do it.
What do you mean? You can't do it, says the Father angrily.
Why, Sir, says the Son, I can't love her.
O, well; you must venture that, says the Father, marry her first, and you'll love her afterwards.
Indeed, I can't marry upon that Foot Sir, says the Son, but respectfully, it would be a Sin to marry a Woman I can't love.
I tell you, says the Father, I have singled her out for you, and I expect you should have her.
I am sorry, Sir, you should choose a Wife for me, says the Son, and never let me know it.
I think 'tis your Duty to submit, says the Father, as long as I think she is a suitable Match for you, and for the Family.
But, Sir, says the Son, 'tis impossible: I can never be married to her; no Clergyman dares marry me to her.
What d'ye mean by that? says his Father.
Why, Sir, says the Son, either I must Lie and be Forsworn, or he can't marry me, and I hope you would not desire me either to Lie, or to be Perjured.
Don't tell me of Lying and Perjury, says the passionate Father, I don't enquire into your impertinent Cavils, I tell you, she will make a very good Wife for you, and, I say, you shall have her.
Well, Sir, says the Son, if you can make any Minister marry me to her.
What is it you mean, says the Father, to offer such Stuff to me? If you don't take her, it shall be worse for you; I tell you, you shall have her.
Why, Sir, says the Son, when he asks me, if I will take her? I may answer, I Will: But when he comes to say, Wilt thou love her? I must say, I Will not; I must lie, if I should say, I Will; and if he can marry me so, let him.
I don't make a Jest of it Son, says the Father, I expect you go and wait upon her, for I will have you marry her, I tell you.
Thus the Father laid it upon him hard; he put it off with this a great while, that he could not love her; but the Father insisted upon it, and threatened to disinherit him; and so he wickedly complied, married the Woman he hated, and forsook a young Lady that loved him, and that he was in love with; and he was unhappy, and cursed his Marriage to his dying Day; and so was the Woman he married also. Indeed, he did not go so far as the Son did in the Example I gave you before; he did not marry them both, but he was very unhappy.
The Limits of a Parent's Authority, in this Case of Matrimony, either with Son or Daughter, I think, Hands thus: The Negative, I think, is theirs, especially with a Daughter; but, I think, the Positive is the Childrens.
If the Child looks Retrograde, and would throw her self away upon a Scoundrel, upon her Father's Coachman, or Book-keeper, or upon any thing unworthy of the Family and Fortune of the Lady, much more if the Person she inclines to marry is scandalous, a Man of Vice, a Man of an ill Character, a Drunkard, a Gamester, a Rake, or what else is to be called scandalous, the Father, or Mother, or next Parent or Guardian may, I believe with Justice, interpose their Authority, and may command her not to take such or such a Person, the Father may put the Negative upon her; nor is it sufficient for her to say, she loves the Man, or is in love with the Man.
But when the same Father or Parent comes and directs her the said Daughter, and says positively, you shall marry such or such a Man whether you love him or not; there, I think, the Case differs extreamly; and the young Lady telling them, she does not like the Man, that she cannot love him, and won't marry him for that Reason, is a justifiable Reason, and she ought not to be forced: Or, if she says, that she is in love with another, and that other is not yet discovered, 'tis nevertheless a sufficient Reason, and she ought not to be forced; nor can the Command of a Father or Mother, bind her to marry the Man she cannot love, because it would be an unlawful Action, unjust and injurious both to the Man and to her self; and no Command of a Parent can be obliging upon her, to do an unlawful or unjust Action.
The Parent therefore may command her not to marry this or that Person, but may not command her to marry any particular Person, who she declares her self not to love; for this would be to command her to lie, and be forsworn, in the express Terms of the Marriage Contract.
Again; it were to be wished, that every one that marries before they fix their Affection sincerely upon the Person they are to have, would consider what I just mentioned above, (viz.) the Wrong they do to the Person they take; suppose it be the Woman, who, at the Book, they promise upon Oath to love, and yet afterwards perhaps, tell them to their Faces, they never loved them at all: This is an irretrievable Injury to the Person, who perhaps was, as it were, snatched out of the Arms of those that did love her, and of another that would have loved her, and who perhaps she loved also, and, persuaded or over-ruled by Parents, to take one who pretended as much to love as any one, but only took her for her Money, and venturing upon those Pretensions, she or he is now deceived and disappointed, the Wrong is irreparable; the Lady that might, if he had let her alone, been made happy, is abused, is made miserable, is injured in the grossest manner, and he had much better have ravished her, and been hanged, as he deserved; I mean better for her; then she had been free again, and though she had been abused, the Injury had been at an End; but here she is abused daily, the Crime is renewed, and she is made unhappy to the End of her Life.
This marrying without Affection, or contrary to Inclination, has a variety of complicated Mischiefs attending it, and especially considering that, upon the least disagreeableness between the Persons married, former Objects, and former Thoughts, revive in the Mind; they are always comparing their Condition with what it might have been, with what others are, and with what, at least, they fancy others are; ever repining at what is, ever wishing what can never be. Every thing they have is disagreeable and unpleasant; they look on their Life as a Slave at Algier looks upon his Chains, they fancy themselves as Persons only bought and sold, as Persons committed by Warrant, and made Prisoners for Life.
The State they are in is imbittered by every Circumstance, and every Circumstance imbittered by the want of Affection, the Thing is bad in it self, and want of Affection makes every Part of it worse.
Nor is it probable that such a Marriage should issue otherwise; I had almost said it is not possible: But the Nature of the thing directs it, and the disagreeableness can hardly fail to happen, because there is not only no Fund of Affection to build upon, but a kind of a pre-ingaged Aversion, which is certain to assist and to render every thing worse, rather than better.
I could give a long History of a Family, within the compass of my own Observation, where both the Man and the Woman were thus stated; that is to say, brought together by the Allurement of good Circumstances, and the over-ruling Directions of their immediate Governors and Friends; when, on both Sides, their Choice and Affections were guided, at least against the respective Object, if not to other Objects; and though perhaps those other Objects were not indeed so suitable as to Birth and Fortune, for this Breach happened in a Family of some Figure, and among that we call Quality, yet the Choice they had made for themselves had certainly been more suitable to them as Man and Woman, and had tended infinitely more to their satisfaction.
It seems they had had frequently Rufflings and Rencounters, as they might be called, upon the Subject before; and as they went upon an old Mob Rule, That few Words among Friends were best, and those very spiteful; so if they did fall out, it was short, but bitter, and this Battle, which I happened to have the following Account of, and which was one of the worst they ever had, may pass for a Specimen:
It happened to be at Supper, and the Gentleman had drank to his Lady with a kind of a snear and a bow, and My Service to your Ladyship (for she was a Lady). Ay, ay, says she, Service! Service! repeating the Word two or three times; it's well where there is no Love there can be a little good Manners; and so the Battle was begun.
Knight.Love! Love! nay, the D. . .l take your Ladyship, you know I never lov'd you in my life.
Lady.Nay, I was pretty even with Sir Thomas, for I hated you heartily from the first Hour I saw you.
Knight.Equally yoked! Madam, that's true, equally yoked![1]
Lady.Ay, ay! a Yoke indeed, and two Beasts to draw in it.
Knight.Good Words, Madam, why didn't you say Whore and Rogue?
Lady.And if I had, it had been but plain English.
Knight.And plain Truth, you mean, I suppose.
Lady.Nay, what was Sir Thomas, to marry a Woman that he could swear he never loved in his life?
Knight.And pray, what was my Lady, to go to Bed to a Man she hated most heartily?
Lady.The more innocent of the two, for I was never married.
Knight.Not married! Why, what have you been doing then all this while? What's the English of that, Madam?
Lady.The English of what? I could make it speak English if I would; but good Manners, rather than regard to the Person, stops my Mouth.
Knight.Nay, let it come out, Madam; there can be no loss of good Language between you and I: I have lain with a Woman I did not love, and you have lain with a Man these four Years, and were never married. What will my Lady call her self next?
Lady.Not a Whore for all that; so I have the better of Sir Thomas, still.
Knight.What can it be then? No Magick, I doubt, will bring your Ladyship off.
Lady.Yes, yes; I shall bring my self off fairly; I say, 'twas no Marriage, 'twas all Force, a Rape upon Innocence and Virtue.
Knight.A Rape! Didn't you go to Church and repeat the Words, and say, I Will?
Lady.Go to Church; No, no; you may say indeed, I was dragged to Church, I did not go; I tell you, 'twas no Matrimony, tho' 'twas a Marriage; I was ravished, and nothing else.
Knight.But who forced you, and who dragged you to Church; I'm sure I went to Church with as ill a Will as you.
Lady.I don't know what you did; but I went like a Bear haul'd to a Stake, I know.
Knight.And I think you have been a Bear ever since; I suppose that made you so.
Lady.Whether I have been a Bear or no, I have been baited like a Bear; that's true enough.
Knight.Well, your Ladyship's even with me there indeed, you give me the Dog for the Bear.
Lady.You must drink as you brew, Sir Thomas; you know that 'twas you began it.
Knight.It is just upon me indeed; I broke my Faith and Honour with the Angel I lov'd; for the curs'd Thirst: of Money: My Father knew not what he did, when he perswaded me to it: But I must marry a Fortune!
Lady.Yes, and I must be tickled with a Feather, and wheedled up with being a Lady.If I had taken the Man I loved, I had had that which few Ladies enjoy; I had had the Man that loved me, and he had had the Woman that loved him, and both been happy; and now, here's the Baronet and the Lady, as wretched as a Foot Soldier and his Trull.
Knight.I saw nothing in you at first to make a Man happy.
Lady.And I desired no Happiness so much, when I went to Church, as to have been delivered from you.
Knight.I was bewitched with the Money indeed, but never with the Lady, I assure you.
Lady.And my Mother was fond of the Knighthood indeed; I'm sure I was never fond of the Knight.
Knight.I might have had as much Money, it may be, somewhere else.
Lady.And I might have made the Man I loved a Knight with my Money, whenever I pleas'd; but my Mother had her Failings.
Knight.If I had had less Money, I might have had a better Wife.
Lady.And I could never have had a worse Husband.
Knight.Well, I'll find some Way to put an End to it, I'll warrant you: At worst a Pistol and half an Ounce of Lead, will deliver me at once.
Lady.The sooner the better, Sir Thomas. Heaven keep you in the mind.
In short, the Lady had the better of him, and put him in a Rage, and then he left her, and went out of the Room; but about the usual time of going to Bed, they came a little to themselves again, and were preparing to go to Bed, when a few Words rising the Wind, it blew up into another Storm, and the)r fell out more furiously than before.
She told him, she had had but two Children, and she thanked God they were both dead.
He told her, he desired no more of the Breed.
She replied, she desired all the World to take notice, that if ever she was with Child again, it would be a Bastard, and none of his.
He turned round from her, and bad her turn her back to him.
She said, with all her Heart, and did so.
Now curse your self, said he, if ever you turn your Face to me again.
She said, she knew a better Way for it than that; so she called her Maid, took her leave of him, and went to Bed by her self.
The next Day she took her Coach, and went to a Relation's House, took some Jewels with her, and sent for her Cloaths. And thus ended a Mother-Made Match on one hand; and a Money-Made match on the other hand; On both hands without Affection, and where they had been mutually pre-ingaged to other Objects: And what was all this, pray, but a Matrimonial Whoredom!
It would take up too much of this Work, to give the short History of the remaining Life of these two passionate married Enemies, for such they were. As they were People of good Fashion and Figure, they might have quarrelled with some reserve to good Manners; but, on the contrary, she pursued him with all the spite and rage of her Tongue that it was possible for a Woman to invent; said all the Bitter and disdainful Things of him that Ill-nature could inspire her with; scorned all the Motions of Friends towards a Reconciliation to him, which at first he was not averse to; and, at last, gave out, that he kept a Whore, and that she intended to sue him to a Divorce.
In return, after he found her obstinate, he put all the Contempt upon her he was able, and in all Company where he could possibly come at her; made Ballads and Songs of her; and, in a word, they took all possible Ways on both Sides to make it impossible they should ever come together again.
After some Time, he went abroad into France, when he did the spitefullest Thing that it was possible for him to do, or that, I think, a Man could ever do by a Wife: Being, (as he had given out) at Paris, he caus'd a Rumour to be rais'd that he was very Sick, and a little after that he was Dead. This he carried so far, that his Servants and Dependents, who he left at his House, were all put into Mourning, and the Lady was firmly convinced that he was Dead; nay, he employed a subtle, managing Fellow, to come to the House where the Lady lodged, to give an Account of his Death, and that he was at the Funeral.
In a word, Things were carried so far, that the Lady was courted by another Gentleman, and, at length, consented to be married; but all things being prepared for the Wedding; Settlements made, the very Day come, and her Friends about her, he sends a Messenger to tell her, that he was coming to the Church to see her married, that he would have remained in his Grave a little longer, but that he was resolved she should not have's much Pleasure as that of one Day's Delusion; and that he would not do the Gentleman the Injury, of letting him ignorantly marry a She-Devil, as he had done.
This was managed so wickedly, and with such a keenness and severity of Spight, that it almost cost the Lady her Life; and it might have gone farther, for the Gentleman was affronted so, that he demanded Satisfaction of him, and it went up to a Challenge; but some Friends interposed, so that they did not fight.
The enraged Lady fell sick with Disdain; and the Fury that this Piece of Management put her in was such, that she continued languishing near two Years, but then recovered. A great many Friends interposed, if possible, to reconcile them; but there was no room for that, it was gone too far.
At length they brought it to a Truce, tho' they could not bring it to a Peace, they brought them to an Agreement of Civility, viz. not to Insult or Affront one another any more; and this was all they could ever be brought to; nor was it easy to bring them to that, so exasperated were they on both Sides, so irreconcileably provoked, especially the Woman.
This is one Example of a Marriage by force of Friends, and by motives of Avarice and Pride, where the Parties were pre-ingaged by their Affection to other Objects. I could give many Instances in their degree equally unhappy, though perhaps not carried on to such an extravagant Length, but all serve to convince us, how fatal it is for Men or Women to engage their Persons one Way, and their Affections another.
Certainly those People who have the least value for their own Ease, that expect any Felicity in a married Life, should think before they take this Leap in the Dark, I say, they should think a little, how, in the Nature of the thing, they can expect Happiness in a Woman they do not love; and in a Woman who they shall be tied to live with while their Love another, and shall be Night and Day wishing their beloved Rachel were in their Arms instead of the blear-eyed Leah, which they have taken in her Place.
But thus it is, and that too frequently to wonder at, that Men love the Person they do not marry, and marry the Person they cannot love.
If Love's a Heaven-born Passion, Tell me why,
Do Mortals love, and Heaven so oft deny?
Bound to possess the Object he would fly;
And left to Love what he cannot enjoy.
- ↑ To that be added an Oath or two.