Bartholomew Fair/The Induction

by Ben Jonson

The Induction
(on the Stage)

Stagekeeper. Gentlemen, have a little patience, they are e'en upon coming, instantly. He that should begin the Play, Master Littlewit, the Proctor, has a stitch new-fallen in his black silk stocking; 'twill be drawn up ere you can tell twenty. He plays one o' the arches that dwells about the Hospital, and he has a very pretty part. But for the whole Play, will you a the truth on 't? (I am looking, lest the Poet hear me, or his man, Master Broome, behind the Arras.) It is like to be a very conceited, scurvy one, in plain English. When 't comes to the Fair, once: you were e'en as good go to Virginia, for anything there is of Smithfield. He has not his the humors, he does not know 'em; he has not conversed with the Bartholomew-birds, as they say; he has nary a Sword-and-Bucklerman in his Fair, nor a little Davy to take toll o' the Bawds there, as in my time, nor a Kindheart, if anybody's teeth should chance to ache in his Play. Nor a Juggler with a well educated Ape to come over the chain, for the King of England, and back again for the Prince, and sit still on his arse for the Pope, and the King of Spain! None o' these fine sights! Nor has he the Canvass-cut i' the night, for a Hobbyhorseman to creep into his she-neighbor, and take his leap there! Nothing! No, and some writer (that I know) had had but the penning o' this matter, he woulda made you such a Jig-a-jog i' the booths, you shoulda thought an earthquake had been i' the Fair! But these Master Poets, they will a their own absurd courses; they will be informed of nothing! He has (sirreverence) kicked me three or four times about the Tiring-house, I thank him, for but offering to put in, with my experience. I'll be judged by you, gentlemen, now, but for one conceit of mine! would not a fine Pump upon the Stage a done well, for a property now? and a Punk set under upon her head, with her Stern upward, and a been soused by my witty young masters o' the Inns o' Court? what think you o' this for a show, now? he will not hear o' this! I am an Ass! I! and yet I kept the Stage in Master Tarleton's time, I thank my stars. Ho! and that man had lived to have played in Bartholomew Fair, you shoulda seen him a-come in, and a been cozened i' the Cloth-quarter, so finely! And Adams, the Rogue, a leapt and capered upon him, and a dealt his vermin about, as though they had cost him nothing. And then a substantial watch to a stolen in upon 'em, and taken 'em away, with mistaking words, as the fashion is, in the Stage-practice.

Bookholder: Scrivener. To him.

Book. How now? What rare discourse are you fallen upon? huh? A you found any familiars here, that you are so free? What's the business?

Sta. Nothing, but the understanding gentlemen o' the ground here, asked my judgment.

Book. Your judgment, Rascal? For what? Sweeping the Stage? or gathering up the broken Apples for the bears within? Away, Rogue, it's come to a fine degree in these spectacles when such a youth as you pretend to a judgment. And yet he may, i' the most o' this matter i' faith: For the Author hath writ it just to his Meridian, and the Scale of the grounded Judgments here, his Playfellows in wit. Gentlemen; not for want of a Prologue, but by way of a new one, I am sent out to you here, with a Scrivener, and certain Articles drawn out in hast between our Author and you; which, if you please to hear, and as they appear reasonable, to approve of; the Play will follow presently. Read, Scribe, gimme the Counterpane.

Scr. Articles of Agreement, indented, between the Spectators or Hearers, at the Hope on the Bankesde, in the County of Surrey on the one party; And the Author of Bartholomew Fair in the said place, and County on the other party: the one and thirtieth day of Octob. 1614 and in the twelfth year of the Reign of our Sovereign Lord, James by the grace of God King of England, France, and Ireland; Defender of the faith. And of Scotland the seven and fortieth.

Inprimis, it is covenanted and agreed, by and between the parties abovesaid, and the said Spectators and Hearers, as well the curious and envious, as the favoring and judicious, as also the grounded Judgments and understandings, do for themselves severally Covenant, and agree to remain in the places, their money or friends have put them in, with patience, for the space of two hours and a half, and somewhat more. In which time the Author promiseth to present them by us, with a new sufficient Play called Bartholomew Fair, merry, and as full of noise as sport: made to delight all, and to offend none. Provided they have either the wit or the honesty to think well of themselves.

It is further agreed that every person here have his or their freewill of censure, to like or dislike at their own charge, the Author having now departed with his right: It shall be lawful for any man to judge his six pen'orth his twelve pen'orth, so to his eighteen pence, two shillings, half a crown, to the value of his place: Provided always his place get not above his wit. And if he pay for half a dozen, he may censure for all them too, so that he will undertake that they shall be silent. He shall put in for Censures here, as they do for lots at the lottery: mary if he drop but sixpence at the door, and will censure a crown's worth, it is though there is no conscience, or justice in that.

It is also agreed, that every man here, exercise his own Judgment, and not censure by Contagion, or upon trust, from another's voice, or face, that fits by him, be he never so first, in the Commission of Wit; As also, that he be fixed and settled in his censure, that way he approves, or not approves today, he will do the same tomorrow, and if tomorrow, the next day, and so the next week (if need be:) and not to be brought about by any that fits on the Bench with him, though they indite, and arraign Plays daily. He that will swear, Jeronimo, or Andronicus are the best plays, yet, shall pass unexcepted at, here, as a man whose Judgment shows it is constant, and hath stood still, these five and twenty, or thirty years. Though it be an Ignorance, it is a virtuous and staid ignorance; and next to truth, a confirmed error does well; such a one the Author knows where to find him.

It is further covenanted, concluded and agreed, that how great soever the expectation be, no person here, is to expect more than he knows, or better ware then a Fair will afford: neither to look back to the sword-and-bucklerage of Smithfield, but content himself with the present. Instead of a little Davy, to take toll o' the Bawds, the Author doth promise a strutting Horse-courser, with a leer-Drunkard, two or three to attend him, in as good Equipage as you would wish. And then for Kindheart, the Toothdrawer, a fine oily Pigwoman with her Tapster, to bid you welcome, and a consort of Roarers for music. A wife Justice or Peace meditant, instead of a Juggler, with an Ape. A civil Cutpurse searchant. A sweet Singer of new Ballads allurant: and as fresh a Hypocrite, as ever was broached rampant. If there be never a Servant-monster i' the Fair; who can help it? he says; nor a nest of Antiques? He is loth to make Nature afraid in his Plays, like those that beget Tales, Tempests, and such like Drolleries, to mix his head with other men's heels, let the concupiscence of Iigges and Dances, raigne as strong as it will amongst you: yet if the Puppets will please any body, they shall be entreated to come in.

In consideration of which, it is finally agreed, by the foresaid hearers, and spectators, that they neyther in themselues conceale, nor suffer by them to be concealed any State-decipherer, or politique Picklocke of the Scene, so solemnly ridiculous, as to search out, who was meant by the Ginger-bread-woman, who by the Hobby-horse-man, who by the Costard-monger, nay, who by their Wares. Or that will pretend to affirme (on his owne inspired ignorance) what Mirror of Magistrates is meant by the Iustice, what great Lady by the Pigge-woman, what conceal'd States-man by the Seller of Mouse-trappes, and so of the rest. But that such person, or persons, so found, be left discouered to the mercy of the Author, as a forfeiture to the Stage, and your laughter, aforesaid. As also, such as shall so desperately, or ambitiously, play the foole by his place aforesaid, to challenge the Author of scurrilitie, because the language some where sauours of Smithfield, the Booth, and the Pig-broath, or of prophanenesse, because a Mad-man cryes, God quit you, or blesse you. In witnesse whereof, as you haue preposterously put to your Seales already (which is your money) you will now adde the other part of suffrage, your hands, The Play shall presently begin. And though the Fayre be not kepte in the same Region, that some here, perhaps, would haue it, yet thinke, that therein the Author hath obseru'd a speciall Decorum, the place being as durty as Smithfield, and as stinking euery whit.

Howsoeuer, hee prayes you the beleeue, his Ware is still the same, else you will make him iustly suspect that hee that is so loth to looke on a Baby, or an Hobby-horse, heere, would bee glad to take vp a Commodity of them, at any laughter, or loffe, in another place.