Hudibras/Part 3/The Lady's Answer to the Knight

by Samuel Butler (1612-1680)

 

THE LADY'S ANSWER

TO

THE KNIGHT.

 

HAT you 're a beast and turn'd to grass
Is no strange news, nor ever was;
At least to me, who once, you know,
Did from the pound replevin you,^[1]
When both your sword and spurs were won 5
In combat by an Amazon:
That sword that did, like fate, determine
Th' inevitable death of vermin,
And never dealt its furious blows.
But cut the threads of pigs and cows, 10
By Trulla was, in single fight,
Disarm'd and wrested from its Knight,

Your heels degraded of your spurs,^[2]
And in the stocks close prisoners:
Where still they 'd lain, in base restraint, 15
If I, in pity 'f your complaint,
Had not, on hon'rable conditions,
Releast 'em from the worst of prisons;
And what return that favour met,
You cannot, tho' you wou'd forget; 20
When being free you strove t' evade
The oaths you had in prison made;
Forswore yourself, and first denied it,
But after own'd, and justified it;
And when you'd falsely broke one vow, 25
Absolv'd yourself, by breaking two.
For while you sneakingly submit,
And beg for pardon at our feet;^[3]
Discourag'd by your guilty fears,
To hope for quarter, for your ears; 30
And doubting 'twas in vain to sue,
You claim us boldly as your due,
Declare that treachery and force,
To deal with us, is th' only course;
We have no title nor pretence 35
To body, soul, or conscience,
But ought to fall to that man's share
That claims us for his proper ware:
These are the motives which, t' induce,
Or fright us into love, you use; 40
A pretty new way of gallanting,
Between soliciting and ranting;
Like sturdy beggars, that intreat
For charity at once, and threat.
But since you undertake to prove 45
Your own propriety in love,
As if we were but lawful prize
In war, between two enemies,
Or forfeitures which ev'ry lover,
That would but sue for, might recover, 50
It is not hard to understand
The myst'ry of this bold demand,
That cannot at our persons aim,
But something capable of claim.^[4]
⁠'Tis not those paltry counterfeit 55
French stones, which in our eyes you set,
But our right diamonds, that inspire
And set your am'rous hearts on fire;
Nor can those false St Martin's beads^[5]
Which on our lips you lay for reds, 60
And make us wear like Indian dames,^[6]
Add fuel to your scorching flames,
But those two rubies of the rock,
Which in our cabinets we lock.
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth,^[7] 65
That you are so transported with,
But those we wear about our necks,
Produce those amorous effects.
Nor is 't those threads of gold, our hair,
The periwigs you make us wear; 70
But those bright guineas in our chests,
That light the wildfire in your breasts.
These love-tricks I've been vers'd in so,
That all their sly intrigues I know,
And can unriddle, by their tones, 75
Their mystic cabals, and jargones;
Can tell what passions, by their sounds,
Pine for the beauties of my grounds;
What raptures fond and amorous,
O' th' charms and graces of my house; 80
What ecstasy and scorching flame,
Burns for my money in my name;
What from th' unnatural desire,
To beasts and cattle, takes its fire;
What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 85
Longs for a thousand pounds a year;
And languishing transports are fond
Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond.^[8]
⁠These are th' attracts which most men fall
Enamour'd, at first sight, withal; 90
To these th' address with serenades.
And court with balls and masquerades;
And yet, for all the yearning pain
Ye 've suffer'd for their loves in vain,
I fear they'll prove so nice and coy, 95
To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy;
That all your oaths and labour lost,
They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post.^[9]
This is not meant to disapprove
Your judgment, in your choice of love, 100
Which is so wise, the greatest part
Of mankind study 't as an art;
For love shou'd, like a deodand,
Still fall to th' owner of the land;^[10]
And where there's substance for its ground, 105
Cannot but be more firm and sound,
Than that which has the slighter basis
Of airy virtue, wit, and graces;
Which is of such thin subtlety,
It steals and creeps in at the eye, 110
And, as it can't endure to stay,
Steals out again, as nice a way.^[11]
But love that its extraction owns
From solid gold and precious stones,
Must, like its shining parents, prove 115
As solid and as glorious love.
Hence 'tis you have no way t' express
Our charms and graces but by these;
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth,
Which beauty invades and conquers with, 120
But rubies, pearls, and diamonds,
With which a philter love commands?^[12]
⁠This is the way all parents prove,
In managing their children's love;
That force 'em t'intermarry and wed, 125
As if th' were bury'ng of the dead;
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave,^[13]
To join in wedlock all they have,

And, when the settlement's in force,
Take all the rest for better or worse; 130
For money has a pow'r above
The stars, and fate, to manage love,
Whose arrows, learned poets hold,
That never miss, are tipp'd with gold.^[14]
And tho' some say, the parents' claims 135
To make love in their children's names,^[15]
Who, many times, at once provide
The nurse, the husband, and the bride
Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames,
And woo, and contract, in their names, 140
And as they christen, use to marry 'em,
And, like their gossips, answer for 'em;
Is not to give in matrimony,
But sell and prostitute for money.
'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145
Who often do 't for worse than nothing;
And when they're at their own dispose,
With greater disadvantage choose.
All this is right; but, for the course
You take to do 't, by fraud or force, 150
'Tis so ridiculous, as soon
As told, 'tis never to be done,
No more than setters can betray,^[16]
That tell what tricks they are to play.
Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 155
Which all men either break or bow;
Then what will those forbear to do,
Who perjure when they do but woo?
Such as beforehand swear and lie,
For earnest to their treachery, 160
And, rather than a crime confess,
With greater strive to make it less:
Like thieves, who, after sentence past,
Maintain their inn'cence to the last;
And when their crimes were made appear 165
As plain as witnesses can swear,
Yet when the wretches come to die,
Will take upon their death a lie.
Nor are the virtues you confess'd
T' your ghostly father, as you guess'd, 170
So slight as to be justified,
By be'ng as shamefully denied;
As if you thought your word would pass,
Point-blank, on both sides of a case;
Or credit were not to be lost 175
B' a brave knight-errant of the post,
That eats perfidiously his word,
And swears his ears through a two-inch board;^[17]
Can own the same thing, and disown,
And perjure booty pro and con; 180
Can make the Gospel serve his turn,
And help him out to be forsworn;
When 'tis laid hands upon, and kist,
To be betray'd and sold, like Christ.
These are the virtues in whose name 185
A right to all the world you claim,
And boldly challenge a dominion,
In grace and nature, o'er all women;
Of whom no less will satisfy,
Than all the sex, your tyranny: 190
Altho' you'll find it a hard province,
With all your crafty frauds and covins,^[18]
To govern such a num'rous crew,
Who, one by one, now govern you;
For if you all were Solomons, 195
And wise and great as he was once,
You'll find they're able to subdue,
As they did him, and baffle you.
And if you are impos'd upon,
'Tis by your own temptation done: 200
That with your ignorance invite,
And teach ns how to use the slight.
For when we find ye're still more taken
With false attracts of our own making.
Swear that's a rose, and that's a stone, 205
Like sots, to ns that laid it on,
And what we did but slightly prime,
Most ignorantly daub in rhyme;
You force us, in our own defences,
To copy beams and influences; 210
To lay perfections on the graces,
And draw attracts upon our faces;
And, in compliance to your wit,
Your own false jewels counterfeit:
For, by the practice of those arts, 215
We gain a greater share of hearts;
And those deserve in reason most,
That greatest pains and study cost;
For great perfections are, like heav'n.
Too rich a present to be giv'n: 220
Nor are those master-strokes of beauty
To be perform'd without hard duty,
Which, when they're nobly done, and well,
The simple natural excel.
How fair and sweet the planted rose,^[19] 225
Beyond the wild in hedges, grows!
For, without art, the noblest seeds
Of flowers degenerate into weeds:
How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground
And polish'd, looks a diamond! 230
Though paradise were e'er so fair,
It was not kept so without care.
The whole world, without art and dress,
Would be but one great wilderness;
And mankind but a savage herd, 235
For all that nature has conferr'd:
This does but rough-hew and design,
Leaves art to polish and refine.
Though women first were made for men,
Yet men were made for them agen: 240
For when, out-witted by his wife,
Man first turn'd tenant but for life,^[20]
If woman had not interven'd,
How soon had mankind had an end!
And that it is in being yet, 245
To us alone you are in debt.
Then where's your liberty of choice,
And our unnatural no-voice?
Since all the privilege you boast,
And falsel' usurp'd, or vainly lost, 250
Is now our right, to whose creation
You owe your happy restoration.
And if we had not weighty cause
To not appear in making laws,
We could, in spite of all your tricks 255
And shallow formal politics,
Force you our managements t' obey,
As we to yours, in show, give way.
Hence 'tis, that while you vainly strive
T advance your high prerogative, 260
You basely, after all your braves,
Submit and own yourselves our slaves;
And 'cause we do not make it known,
Nor publicly our int'rests own,
Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265
In ord'ring you, and your affairs,
When all your empire and command,
You have from us, at second-hand:
As if a pilot, that appears
To sit still only, while he steers, 270
And does not make a noise and stir,
Like ev'ry common mariner,
Knew nothing of the card, nor star,
And did not guide the man of war:
Nor we, because we don't appear 275
In councils, do not govern there:
While, like the mighty Prester John,
Whose person none dares look upon.^[21]
But is preserv'd in close disguise,
From b'ing made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280
W' enjoy as large a pow'r unseen,
To govern him, as he does men:
And, in the right of our Pope Joan,
Make emp'rors at our feet fall down;
Or Joan de Pucelle's braver name,^[22] 285
Our right to arms and conduct claim;
Who, tho' a spinster, yet was able
To serve France for a grand constable.
We make and execute all laws,
Can judge the judges, and the Cause; 290
Prescribe all rules of right or wrong,
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue,
'Gainst which the world has no defence,
But our more pow'rful eloquence.
We manage things of greatest weight 295
In all the world's affairs of state;
Are ministers of war and peace,
That sway all nations how we please.
We rule all churches and their flocks,
Heretical and orthodox, 300
And are the heav'nly vehicles
O' th' spirits in all conventicles:^[23]
By us is all commerce and trade
Improv'd, and manag'd, and decay'd:
For nothing can go off so well, 305
Nor bears that price, as what we sell.
We rule in ev'ry public meeting,
And make men do what we judge fitting;^[24]
Are magistrates in all great towns,
Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 310
We make the man of war strike sail,^[25]
And to our braver conduct veil,
And, when he's chas'd his enemies,
Submit to us upon his knees.
Is there an officer of state, 315
Untimely rais'd, or magistrate,
That's haughty and imperious?
He's but a journeyman to us,
That, as he gives us cause to do't,
Can keep him in, or turn him out. 320
We are your guardians, that increase
Or waste your fortunes how we please;
And, as you humour us, can deal
In all your matters, ill or well.
'Tis we that can dispose alone, 325
Whether your heirs shall be your own;
To whose integrity you must,
In spite of all your caution, trust;
And 'less you fly beyond the seas,
Can fit you with what heirs we please;^[26] 330
And force you t' own them, tho' begotten
By French valets, or Irish footmen.
Nor can the rigorousest course
Prevail, unless to make us worse;
Who still, the harsher we are us'd, 335
Are further off from b'iug reduc'd;
And scorn t' abate, for any ills,
The least punctilio of our wills.
Force does but whet our wits t' apply
Arts, born with us, for remedy, 340
Which all your politics, as yet,
Have ne'er been able to defeat:
For, when ye 've try'd all sorts of ways,
What fools d' we make of you in plays?
While all the favours we afford 345
Are but to girt you with the sword,
To fight our battles in our steads,
And have your brains beat out o' your heads;
Encounter, in despite of nature,
And fight, at once, with fire and water, 350
With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas,
Our pride and vanity t' appease;
Kill one another, and cut throats,
For our good graces, and best thoughts;
To do your exercise for honour, 355
And have your brains beat out the sooner;
Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon
Things that are never to be known:
And still appear the more industrious,
The more your projects are prepost'rous; 360
To square the circle of the arts,
And run stark mad to show your parts;
Expound the oracle of laws,
And turn them which way we see cause;
Be our solicitors and agents, 365
And stand for us in all engagements.
⁠And these are all the mighty pow'rs
You vainly boast to cry down ours:
And what in real value's wanting,
Supply with vapouring and ranting: 370
Because yourselves are terrified,
And stoop to one another's pride:
Believe we have as little wit
To be out-hector'd, and submit:
By your example, lose that right 375
In treaties, which we gain'd in fight:^[27]
And terrified into an awe,
Pass on ourselves a Salique law;^[28]

JOAN OF ARC.

R. Cooper sculp^t.

JOAN OF ARC.

From a Print by Marcenay.

Or, as some nations use, give place,
And truckle to your mighty race,^[29] 380
Let men usurp th' unjust dominion,
As if they were the better women.

 

1. A replevin is a 're'-deliverance of the thing distrained, to remain with the first possessor on surety to answer the distrainer's suit.
2. In England, when a knight was degraded, his gilt spurs were beaten from his heels, and his sword taken from him and broken. See a previous note.
3. The widow, to keep up her dignity and importance, speaks of herself in the plural number.
4. Their property.
5. That is, counterfeit rubies. The manufacturers and venders of glass beads, and other counterfeit jewels, established themselves on the site of the old collegiate church of St Martin's-le-Grand (demolished upon the dissolution of the monasteries), where they carried on a considerable trade. The articles fabricated at this place were called by its name, as we now say, "Brommagem ware."
6. Female savages in many parts of the globe wear ornaments of fish-bone, stones, or coloured glass when they can get it, on their lips and noses.
7. In the History of Don Fenise, a romance translated from the Spanish of Francisco de las Coveras, and printed 1656, p. 269, is the following passage: "My covetousness exceeding my love, counselled me that it was better to have gold in money than in threads of hair; and to possess pearls that resemble teeth, than teeth that were like pearls."
   In praising Chloris, moons, and stars, and skies,
   Are quickly made to match her face and eyes;
   And gold and rubies, with as little care,
   To fit the colour of her lips and hair;
   And mixing suns, and flow'rs, and pearl, and stones,
   Make them serve all complexions at once:
   With these fine fancies at hap-hazard writ,
   I could make verses without art or wit.
   And shifting fifty times the verb and noun,
   With stol'n impertinence patch up my own.
   Butler's Remains, v. i. p. 88.
   
   
8. Statute is a short writing called Statute Marchant, or Statute Staple, in the nature of a bond, &c., made according to the form expressly provided in certain statutes, 5th Hen. IV. c. 12, and others.
9. That is, will never swear for you, or vow to take you for a husband.
10. Any moving thing which occasions the death of a man is forfeited to the lord of the manor. It was originally intended that he should dispose of it in acts of charity: hence the name deodand, meaning a thing given, or rather forfeited, to God, for the pacification of his wrath, in case of misadventure, whereby a Christian man cometh to a violent end, without the fault of any reasonable creature. The crown frequently granted this right to individuals, within certain limits, or annexed it to lands, by which it became vested in the lord of the manor.
11. Farquhar has this thought in his dialogue between Archer and Cherry. See the Beaux Stratagem.
12. Out of which love makes a philter.
13. The Burial Office, observes Dr Grey, was scandalously ridiculed. One Brooke, a London lecturer, at the burial of Mr John Gough, used the following profanity:—
    Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
    Here's the pit, and in thou must.
    Mercurius Rusticus, No. 9.
    
    
    But Mr Cheynell (the Nonconformist) behaved still more irreverently at the funeral of that eminent divine Chillingworth. After a reflecting speech on the deceased, in which he declaimed against the use of reason in religious matters, he threw his book, 'The Religion of Protestants, or a safe way to Salvation,' into the grave, saying, "Get thee gone, thou cursed book, which has seduced so many precious souls; get thee gone, thou corrupt, rotten book, earth to earth, dust to dust: get thee into the place of rotteuness, that thou mayst rot with thy author, and see corruption." See Neal's Puritans, vol. iii. p. 102.
14. In Ovid Cupid employs two arrows, one of gold, and the other of lead: the former causing love, the latter aversion.
15. Though thus in all editions, claim and name would be better readings: for claim is the nominative case to is in verse 143.
16. Setter, a term frequent in the comedies of the last century: sometimes it seems to be a pimp, sometimes a spy, but most usually an attendant on a cheating gamester, who introduces unpractised youths to be pillaged, by him; what a setting dog is to a sportsman. Butler here seems to say that those who tell the cards in another's hand, cannot always tell how they will be played.
17. That is, endeavours to shield himself from the punishment due to perjury, the loss of his ears, by a desperate perseverance in false swearing. A person is said to swear through a two-inch hoard, when he makes oath of anything which was concealed from him by a thick door or partition.
18. Covin is a term of law, signifying a deceitful compact between two or more, to deceive or prejudice others.
19. This and the following lines are full of poetry. Mr Nash supposes that Butler alludes to Milton, when he says,
    Though paradise were e'er so fair,
    It was not kept so without care.
    
    
20. When man became subject to death by eating the forbidden fruit at the persuasion of woman.
21. The name or title of Prester John has been given by travellers to the king of Tenduc in Asia, who, like the Abyssinian emperors, preserved great state, and did not condescend to be seen by his subjects more than three times a year, namely, Christmas day, Easter day, and Holyrood day in September. (See Purchas's Pilgrimes, vol. ii. p. 1082.) He is said to have had seventy kings for his vassals. Mandeville makes Prester John sovereign of an archipelago of isles in India beyond Bactria, and says that "a former emperor travelled into Egypt, where being present at divine service, he asked who those persons were that stood before the bishop? And being told they were prestres, or priests, he said he would no more be called king or emperor, but priest; and would take the name of him that came first out of the priests, and was called John; since which time all the emperors have been called Prester John."—Cap. 99.
22. Joan of Arc, called also the Pucelle, or Maid of Orleans. She was born at the town of Domremi, on the Meuse, daughter of James de Arc and Isabelle Romée, and was bred up a shepherdess in the country. At the age of eighteen or twenty she asserted that she had received an express commission from God to go to the relief of Orleans, then besieged by the English, and defended by John Compte de Dennis, and almost reduced to the last extremity. She went to the coronation of Charles the Seventh, when he was almost ruined, and recognised that prince in the midst of his nobles, though meanly habited. The doctors of divinity and members of Parliament openly declared that there was something supernatural in her conduct. She sent for a sword, which lay in the tomb of a knight, behind the great altar of the church of St Katharine de Forbois, upon the blade of which the cross and fleur-de-lis's were engraven, which put the king in a very great surprise, as none beside himself was supposed to know of it. Upon this he sent her with the command of some troops, with which she relieved Orleans, and drove the English from it, defeated Talbot at the battle of Pattai, and recovered Champagne. At last she was unfortunately taken prisoner in a sally at Champagne in 1430, and tried for a witch or sorceress, condemned, and burnt in Rouen market-place in May, 1430. But her story is differently told by different historians; some denying the truth of the greater part of it, and some even of her existence. Anstis, in his Register of the Order of the Garter, says that for her valiant actions she was ennobled and had a grant of arms, dated January 16th, 1429. Her story is beautifully dramatised by Schiller in his "Maid of Orleans."
23. As good vehicles at least as the cloak-bag, which was said to have conveyed the same from Rome to the Council of Trent.
24. Much of what is here said on the political influence of women, was aimed at the court of Charles II., who was greatly governed by his mistresses, especially the Duchess of Portsmouth, who was in the interest of France. Some suppose that the wife of General Monk may be intended.
25. Alluding probably to Sir William Waller.
26. See note on line 598 at page 2S9.
27. England, in every period of her history, has been thought more successful in war than in negotiation. Congreve, reflecting upon Queen Anne's last ministry, in his epistle to Lord Cobham, says:
    Be far that guilt, be never known that shame, That Britain should retract her rightful claim,
    Or stain with pen the triumphs of her sword!
    
    
28. The Salique law bars the succession of females to some inheritances. Thus knights' foes were in some parts terræ salicæ: males only being allowed to inherit such lands, because females could not perform the services for which they were granted. In France this law regulates the inheritance of the crown itself. See Shakspeare, Henry V., Act i. sc. 2.
29. Grey thinks this may be an allusion to the obsequiousness of the Muscovite women, recorded in Purchas's Pilgrimes (vol. ii. p. 230), a book with which our poet seems to have been very familiar. It is there said, "That if in Muscovy the woman is not beaten once a week she will not be good; and therefore they look for it weekly: and the women say, if their husbands did not beat them, they should not love them."