as an excuse for all your excesses: that is to say, that you are delighted in the want of this precious grace; that you continually say, with satisfaction to yourself, God wishes me not as yet; I have only to live, in the meanwhile, tranquilly in guilt; his grace will not come yet awhile: that is to say, that you wish it not, and that you would even be sorry were it to come to break those chains which you still love. To you, the want of grace ought to be the most fearful and the most powerful inducement to extricate yourself from your deplorable state, and it is the only one which quiets and stops you.
Besides, the more you delay, the less will you have of grace; for the more you delay, the more do your crimes increase, the more does God estrange himself from you; his mercies wear out, his moments of indulgence slip away, your measure becomes full, and the dreadful term of his wrath approaches; and if it be true, that you have not at present sufficient grace to be converted, you will not, in a little time, have wherewithal even to comprehend that you have occasion either for penitence or conversion.
It is not grace, then, that you have to accuse, it is yourself. Did Augustine, during his feeble desires of conversion, tax the Lord with the delay of his penitence? Ah! he went no farther for the reason of it than in the weakness and licentiousness of his own heart. " I dragged on," said he, " a heart diseased and torn with remorse, accusing myself alone for all my evils, and for all the delays which I started against a new life. I turned me in my chains, as though they should break off themselves, without any effort on my part. For thee, Lord, never hast thou ceased to chastise my heart with inward sorrows, continually operating there, through a merciful severity, the most pungent remorses, which embittered every comfort of my life. Nevertheless, the amusements of the world, which I had always and still loved, withheld me; they secretly whispered to me, Thou meanest, then, to renounce every pleasure? From this moment, then, thou biddest an eternal farewell to all that hath hitherto rendered life agreeable to thee? What! shall it no more be permitted to thee to see those persons who have been so dear to thee? Thou shalt henceforth be separated from thy companions in pleasure, be banished from their assemblies, and be obliged to deny thyself the most innocent delights, and all the comforts of society. And is it possible that thou canst believe thyself capable of supporting the sad weariness of a life so gloomy, so void, so uniform, and so different from the one thou hast hitherto led?"
Behold, where this half-contrite sinner found the reasons of his delays and of his resistance; it was the dread of having to renounce his passions, and of being unable to support the step of a new life, and not any default of grace: and such is precisely the situation in which you are, and what you say every day to yourself.
For, after all, supposing that grace is wanting to you, what do you thence conclude? That the crimes into which you continually plunge yourself will not condemn you, should death surprise you
