MY UTOPIAN SELF
has gone for the day, and I know what it means to be untempered. Here is a world and a glorious world, and it is for me to take hold of it, to have to do with it, here and now, and behold! I can only think that I am burned and scarred, and there rankles that wretched piece of business, the mean unimaginative triumph of my antagonist———
I wonder how many men have any real freedom of mind, are in truth unhampered by such associations, to whom all that is great and noble in life does not, at times at least if not always, seem secondary to obscure rivalries and considerations, to the petty hates that are like germs in the blood, to the lust for self-assertion, to dwarfish pride, to affections they gave in pledge even before they were men.
The botanist beside me dreams, I know, of vindications for that woman.
All this world before us, and its order and liberty, are no more than a painted scene before which he is to meet Her at last, freed from "that scoundrel."
He expects "that scoundrel" really to be present and, as it were, writhing under their feet. . . .
I wonder if that man was a scoundrel. He has gone wrong on earth, no doubt, has failed and degenerated, but what was it sent him wrong? Was his failure inherent, or did some net of cross purposes tangle about his feet? Suppose he is not a failure in Utopia!. . .
I wonder that this has never entered the botanist's head.
He, with his vaguer mind, can overlook—spite of my ruthless reminders—all that would mar his vague
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