The
Arraignment
of Lewd, Idle, Froward,
and vnconſtant Women: Or, the Va-
nitie of them; chuſe you whether.
With a Commendation of the Wiſe, Ver-
tuous, and Honeſt Woman.
Pleaſant for married men, profitable for young
men, and hurtfull to none.
London,
Printed by Bernard Alſop for Thomas Archer, and are to
be ſold at his ſhop in Popes-head Pallace neere
the Royall Exchange. 1622.
Neither to the best,
nor yet to the worſt; but to the
common ſort of Women.
vſing with my ſelfe, being idle, and having little eaſe to paſſe the time withall; and I being in a great choller againſt ſome Women, I meane more then one: And ſo in the raffe of my fury, taking my Penne in hand to beguile the time withall; indeede I might haue imployed my ſelfe to better vſe, then in ſuch an idle buſineſſe, and it were better to pocket vp a pelting iniury, then to intangle my ſelfe with ſuch Vermine: for this I know, that becauſe Women are Women, therefore many will doe that in an houre, which they many times will repent all their whole life time after; yet for an iniurie which I haue receiued of them, the more I conſider of it, the leſſe I eſteeme of the ſame. Yet perhaps ſome may ſay vnto me, that I haue ſought for Honey and caught the Bee by the taile, or that I haue beene bit or ſtung with ſome of theſe Waſpes, otherwiſe I could neuer haue been expert in bewraying their qualities; for the Mother would neuer haue ſought her Daughter in the Ouen but that ſhe was there her ſelfe. Indeed I might confeſſe, I haue been a traueller theſe thirty and odde yeeres, and many trauellers liue in diſdaine of Women; the reaſon is, for that their affections are ſo poyſoned with the hainous euils of vnconſtant Women, which they happen to be acquainted with in their trauels: for it doth ſo cloy their ſtomackes, that they cenſure hardly of women euer afterwards: wronged men will not be tongue-tyed: therefore if you doe ill, you muſt not thinke to heare well; for although the world be bad, yet it is not come to that paſſe that men ſhould beare with all the bad conditions that are in ſome Women.
I know I ſhall be bitten by many becauſe I touch many: but before I goe any further, let me whiſper one word in your eares, and that is this; whatſoeuer you thinke priuatly, I wiſh you to conceale it with ſilence, leſt in ſtarting vp to find fault, you prooue your ſelues guiltie of theſe monſtrous accuſations, which are herefollowing againſt ſome women; & thoſe which ſpurne, if they feele themſelues touched, proue thēſelues ſtark fooles in bewraying their galled backes to the world: for this booke toucheth no ſort of women, but ſuch as when they heare it, will goe about to reproue it. For although in ſome part of this booke, I trip at your heeles, yet will I ſtay you by the hand ſo that you ſhall not fall farther then you are willing; although I deale with you after the manner of a ſhrew, which cannot otherwiſe eaſe her curſt heart but by her vnhappy tongue: If I be too earneſt, beare with me a little, for my meaning is not to ſpeake much of thoſe that are good & I ſhall ſpeake too little of thoſe that are naught; but yet I will not altogether condemne the bad; but hoping to better the good by the naughty examples of the bad, for there is no woman ſo good, but hath one idle part or other in her, which may be amended; for the cleareſt riuer that is, hath ſome durt in the bottome: Iewels are all precious, but yet they are not all of one price, nor all of one vertue: gold is not all of one picture, no more are women all of one diſpoſition: women are al neceſſary euils, and yet not al giuen to wickedneſſe, and yet many ſo bad that in my conceite, if I ſhould ſpeake the worſt that I know by ſome women, I ſhould make their eares glow that heare me, and my tongue would bliſter to report it: but it is a great diſcredit for a man to be accounted for a ſcold, for ſcolding is the manner of ſhrewes: therefore I had rather anſwere them with ſilence which finde fault, then ſtriue to winne the Cucking-ſtoole from them. Now me thinkes I heare ſome curtous Dames giue their raſh iudgements, & ſay, that I hauing no wit, deſcant vpon women which haue more wit then men. To anſwere you againe, If I belye you, iudge me vnkind, but if I ſpeake the truth, I ſhall be the better beleued another time: and if I had wrote neuer ſo well, it is impoſsible to pleaſe all, and if neuer ſo ill, yet I ſhall pleaſe ſome. Let it be well or ill, I looke for no praiſe for my labour; I am weaned from my mothers teate, and therefore neuer more to be fed with her pap: wherefore ſay what you will, for I will follow my owns veine in vnfolding euery pleat, and ſhewing euery wrinckle of a womans diſpoſition, and yet I will not wade ſo farre ouer the ſhooes, but that I may return dry, nor ſo farre in, but that I may eaſily eſcape out: and yet for all that, I muſt confeſſe my ſelfe to be in fault, and that I haue offended you beyond ſatisfaction, for it is hard to giue a ſufficient recompence for a ſlander; and yet hereafter, if by meanes I cannot obtaine your fauour to be owe of your Pulpit-men, yet you cannot deny me but to be one of your Pariſh: and therefore if you pleaſe but to place me in the Body of the Church hereafter, you ſhall finde my deuotion ſo great towards you, as he that kneeleth at the Chancell doore; for I wrote this Booke with my hand, but not with my heart.
Indeed, when I firſt began to write this Booke, my wits were gone a wooll gathering, inſomuch, that in a manner I forgot my ſelfe, and ſo in the rough of my fury, I vowed for euer to be an open enemy vnto women: but when my furie was a little paſt, I began to conſider the blaſpheny of this infamour Booke againſt your Sexe; I then tooke my Penne, and cut him in twentie pieces, and had it not beene for hurting my ſelfe, I would haue cut mine owne fingers which held the Penne. And furthermore, for a pennance I doe craue, that my ſelfe may be a Iudge againſt my ſelfe: but yet aſſure your ſelues, of all euils I will chuſe the leaſt; wherefore I chuſe rather to beare a Faggot, then burne by the Faggot. You may perceiue the Winde is turned into another doore, and that I begin to be Sea-ſicke, and yet not paſt halfe a mile on the ſalt Water, and that my mouth hath vttered that in my fury which my heart neuer thought, and therefore I confeſſe, that my tongue hath gone beyond my wits: for I doe ſurmiſe, that the ſauce which I haue made, is too ſharpe for your dyet; and the flowers which I haue gathered, are too ſtrong for your noſes: but if I had brought little Dogges from Iceland, or fine Glaſſes from Venice, then I am ſure that you would either haue wooed me to haue them, or wiſhed to ſee them. But I will here conclude this firſt Epiſtle, praying you with patience to heare the reſt; for if I offend you at the firſt, I will make you amends at the laſt: and ſo I leaue you to him whoſe Seat is in Heauen, and whoſe Foot-ſtoole is the Earth.
To The Reader.
If thou meane to ſee the Beare-bayting of Women, then trudge to this Beare-Garden apace, and get in betimes, and view euery Roome, where thou mayeſt beſt ſit, for thine owne pleaſure, profit, and hearts-eaſe; and beare with my rudeneſſe, if I chance to offend thee. But before I doe open this Trunke full of torments againſt Women, I thinke it were not amiſſe to reſemble thoſe which in old time did ſacrifice to Hercules: for they vſed continually firſt to whip all their Dogges out of their Citie: and ſo I thinke it were not amiſſe to driue all the Women out of my hearing, for doubt leſt this little ſparke kindle into ſuch a flame, and raiſe ſo many ſtinging Hornets humming about my eares, that all the wit I haue wil not quench the one, nor quiet the other; for I feare that I haue ſet downe more then they wil like of, and yet a great deale leſſe then they deſerue: and for better proofe, I referre my ſelfe to the iudgement of Men, which haue more experience then my ſelfe, for I eſteeme little of the malice of Women; for Men wil be perſwaded with reaſon, but Women muſt be anſwered with ſilence; for I know Women will barke more at me, than Cerberus the three-headed Dog did at Hercules, when he came into Hell to fetch out the faire Proſerpine: and yet I charge them not now but with a Bul-ruſh, in reſpect of a ſecond Booke which is almoſt ready: I do now but feare them with falſe fire, but my next Charge ſhal be with Weapons, and my Larum with powder and ſhot: for then we will goe vpon theſe venemous Adders, Serpents, and Snakes, and tread and trample them vnder our feete: for I haue knowne many ſtung with ſome of theſe Scorpions, and therefore I warne all men to beware the Scorpion. I know women will bite the lip at me, and cenſure hardly of me, but I feare not the curſt Cow, for ſhe commonly hath ſhort hornes: let them cenſure of me what they will, for I meane not to make them my Iudges, and if they ſhoote their ſpite at me, they may bit themſelues, and ſo I will ſmile at the, as at the fooliſh Flye, which burneth her ſelfe in the candle. And ſo friendly Reader, if thou haſt any diſcretion at all, thou mayſt take a happy example by theſe moſt laſciuious and crafty, whoriſh, theeuiſh, and knauiſh women, which were the cauſe of this my idle time ſpending: and yet I haue no warrant to make thee beleeue this which I write to be true. But yet the ſimple Bee gathereth Honey where the venemous Spider doth her poyſon. And ſo I will conclude, leſt thou haue cauſe to ſay, that my Epiſtles are longer then my Booke: a Booke I may call it I hope without offence: for the Collier cals his Horſe a Horſe, and the Kings great Steed is but a Horſe.
If thou read by the beginning of a Booke, thou canſt giue no iudgement of that which enſueth: therefore I ſay as the Fryer, who in the midſt of his Sermon ſaid often, that the beſt was behinde: And ſo, if thou reade it all ouer, thou ſhalt not be deluded, for the beſt is behinde. I thinke I haue ſhot ſo neere the white that ſome will account me for a good Archer: And ſo I pray thee to looke to thy feet, that thou run not ouer thy ſhooes, and ſo be paſt recouery before my ſecond Booke come.
Thy friend
Ioſeph Swetnam.
CHAP. I.
oſes deſcribeth a Woman thus: At the firſt beginning (ſayth he) a Woman was made to be a helper vnto Man; and ſo they are indeede, for ſhe helpeth to ſpend & conſume that which Man painefully getteth. Hee alſo ſaith, That they were made of the Rib of a Man; and that, their froward nature ſheweth: for a Rib is a crooked thing, good for nothing elſe; and Women are crooked by nature, for a ſmall occaſion will cauſe them to be angry.
Againe, in a manner, ſhee was no ſooner made, but ſtraightway her minde was ſet vpon miſchiefe; for by her aſpiring minde, and wanton will, ſhe quickly procured Mans fall: and therefore euer ſince they are and haue beene a woe vnto Man, and follow the Line of their firſt Leader.
For I pray you let vs conſider the times paſt with the time preſent; firſt, that of David and Salomon: if they had occaſion ſo many hundred yeeres agoe to exclaime ſo bitterly againſt Women; for the one of them ſayd, That it was better to be a doore-keeper, and better dwel in a Den amongſt Lyons, then to be in the houſe with a froward and wicked Woman: And the other ſaid, That the clyming vp of a Sandy hill to an aged man, was nothing ſo weariſome, as to be troubled with a froward Woman; And further he ſaid, That the malice of a Beaſt, is not like the malice of wicked Woman, nor that there is any thing more dangerous then a Woman in her fury.
The Lyon being bitten with hunger, the Beare being robbed of her young ones, the Viper being trod on, all theſe are nothing ſo terrble as the fury of a Woman. A Bucke may be incloſed in a Parke, a bridle rules a Horſe, a Wolfe may be tyed, a Tyger may be tamed, but a froward Woman will neuer be tamed, no Spur will make her goe, nor no Bridle will hold her backe: for if a Woman hold an opinion, no man can draw her from it: tell her of her fault, ſhe will not beleeue that ſhe is in any fault: giue her good counſell, but ſhe will not take it: if you doe but looke after another Woman, then ſhe will be iealous: the more thou loveſt her, the more ſhe will diſdaine thee: and if thou threaten her, then ſhe will be angry: flatter her, and then ſhe will be proud: and if thou forbeare her, it maketth her bold: and it thou chaſten her, then ſhe will turne to a Serpent: at a word, a Woman will neuer forget an iniury, nor giue thankes for a good turne. What wiſe man then will change gold for droffe, pleaſure for paine, a quiet life for wrangling brawles, from the which maried men are neuer free?
Salomon ſaith, That Women are like vnto Wine, for that they will make men drunke with their deuices.
Againe, in their loue a woman is compared to a Pommis-ſtone: for which way ſoeuer you turne a Pommis-ſtone, it is full of holes; euen ſo are womens hearts: for if loue ſteale in at one hole, it ſteppeth out at another.
They are alſo compared vnto a painted Ship, which ſeemeth faire outwardly, and yet is nothing but Ballace within her; or to the Idols in Spaine, which are brauely gilt outwardly, and yet nothing but Lead within then; or like vnto the Sea, which at ſometimes is ſo calme, that a Cock-boat may ſafely endure her might; but anon againe with outrage ſhe is ſo growne, that it ouerwhelmeth the talleſt Ship that is.
A froward woman is compared to the Winde, and a ſtill woman vnto the Sunne: for the Sunne & the Wind met a Traueller vpon the way, and they layd a Wager, which of them ſhould get his Cloake from him firſt: then firſt the Wind began boyſterouſly to blow; but the more the Wind did blow, the more the Traueller wrapped and gathered his Cloake about him: now when the Wind had done what he could, and was neuer the neerer, then began the Sunne gently to ſhine vpon him, and he threw off, not onely his Cloake, but alſo his Hat and Ierkin. This Morall ſheweth, that a woman with high words can get nothing at the hands of her Husband, neither by froward meanes; but by gentle & faire means ſhe may get his heart blood to doe her good.
As women are compared vnto many things, even ſo many and many more troubles commeth gallopping after the heeles of a woman, that young men beforehand doe not thinke of; for the World is nor made all of Oat-meale, nor all is not Gold that gliſtereth, nor the way to Heauen is not ſtrewed with Ruſhes, no more is the Cradle of eaſe in a Womans Lap. If thou wert a Seruant, or in Bondage before, yet when thou doeſt marry, thy toyle is neuer the neerer ended; for euen then, and not before, thou doeſt change thy golden time for a drop of Honey, which preſently afterwards turneth to be as bitter as Wormewood.
Yet there are many young men which cudgell their wits, and beat their braines, and ſpend all their time in the loue of Women, and if they get a ſmile, or but a fauour at their Loues hand, they ſtraightway are ſo rauiſhed with ioy, yea ſo much, that they thinke they haue gotten God by the hand, but within a while after they will finde that they haue but the Deuill by the foot. A man may generally ſpeake of Women, that for the moſt part thou ſhalt finde them diſſembling in their deedes, and in all their actions ſubtill and dangerous for men to deale withall; for their faces are lures, their beauties are baites, their lookes are nets, and their words charmes, and all to bring men to ruine.
There is an old ſaying goeth thus, That hee which hath a faire Wife, and a white Horſe, ſhall neuer be without troubles; for a Woman that hath a faire face, it is euer matched with a cruell heart, and the heauenly lookes with helliſh thoughts, their modeſt countenance with mercileſſe mindes, for Women can both ſmooth and ſooth: they are ſo cunning in the art of flatterie, as if they had beene bound Prentice to the Trade: they haue Sirens Songs to allure thee, and Xerxes cunning to enchant thee: they beare two tongues in one mouth like Iudas, and two hearts in one breſt like Magus, the one full of ſmiles, and the other full of frownes, and all to deceiue the ſimple and plaine-meaning Man: they can with the Satyre, out of one mouth, blow both hot and cold.
And what of all this? Why nothing, but to tell thee, that a Woman is better loſt then found, better forſaken then taken. Saint Paul ſayth, That they which marry, doe well; but he alſo ſayth, That they which marry not, doe better: and hee (no doubt) was well aduiſed what hee ſpake. Then, if thou be wiſe, keepe thy head out of the halter, and take heed before thou haue cauſe to curſe thy hard pennyworth, or wiſh the Prieſt ſpeechleſſe which knit the Knot.
The Philoſophers which liued in the olde time, their opinions were ſo hard of Marriage, that they neuer delighted therein: for one of them being asked, why hee marryed not? hee anſwered, that it was too ſoone: and afterwards, when hee was old, hee was asked the ſame queſtion, and he ſaid then, that it was too late. And further hee ſayd, That a marryed man hath but two good dayes to be looked for, that is, the Marriage day, & the day of his Wiues death; for a Woman will feed thee with Honey, and poyſon thee with Gall. Diogenes was ſo dogged, that he abhorred all Women; and Auguſtus wiſhed, that he had liued wifeleſſe, and died childleſſe.
On a time one asked Socrates, Whether he were better to marry, or to liue ſingle? and he made anſwer; Which ſoeuer thou doeſt, it wil repent thee: for if thou marryeſt not, then thou wilt liue diſcontented, and die without iſſue, and ſo perhaps a ſtranger ſhall poſſeſſe thy goods: and if thou doeſt marry, thou ſhalt haue continuall vexations; her Dowry will be often caſt in thy diſh, if ſhe do bring Wealth with her. Againe, if ſhe complaine, then her Kinsfolke will bend the browes, and her Mother wil ſpeake her pleaſure by thee: and if thou marryeſt onely for faire lookes, yet thou mayeſt hap to goe without thē when thou lookeſt for them: and if thou marryeſt one that is fruitful in bearing of Children, then wil thy care be the more increaſed; for little doth the Father know what ſhall be the end of his Children: and if ſhe be barren, thou wilt loath her, and if honeſt, thou wilt feare her death; and if vnhoneſt, thou wilt be weary of thy life: for when thou haſt her, thou muſt ſupport her in all her bad actions; and that will be ſuch a perpetuall burthen vnto thee, that thou hadſt euen as good draw water continually to fill a bottomeleſſe Tub.
A Gentleman on a time ſaid to his friend, I can helpe you to a good marriage for your ſonne: his friend made him this anſwer, My ſonne (ſaid he) ſhall ſtay till he haue more wit: the Gentleman replyed againe, ſaying, If you marry him not before he hath wit, he will neuer marry ſo long as he liueth, For a marryed man is like vnto one arreſted; and I thinke that many a man would flye vp into Heauen, if this arreſt of Marriage kept them not backe.
It is ſaid of one named Domettæs, that he buried three Wiues, and yet neuer wet one Hand-kercher; no, nor ſhed ſo much as one teare: Alſo Vlyſſes, he had a Dogge which loued him well; and when that Dogge dyed, hee wept bitterly, but hee never ſhed one teare when his Wife dyed. Wherefore, if thou marryeſt without reſpect, but onely for bare loue, then thou wilt afterwards with ſorrow ſay, That there is more belongs to Houſe-keeping, then foure bare Legges in a Bed. A man cannot liue with his hands in his boſome, nor buy Meat in the Market for honeſty without Money: where there is nothing but bare Walls, it is a fit houſe to breed Beggars into the World; yet there are many that thinke, when they are marryed, that they may liue by loue: but if wealth be wanting, hot loue will ſoone be cold, and your hot deſires will be ſoon quenched with the ſmoake of pouerty. To what end then ſhould we liue in loue, ſeeing it is a life more to be feared then death? for all thy Money waſtes in toyes, and is ſpent in banquetting, and all thy time in ſighes and ſobs, to thinke vpon the trouble and charge which commonly commeth with a Wife: for commonly women are proud without profit, and that is a good Purgation for thy Purſe; and when thy Purſe is light, then will thy heart be heauy.
The pride of a woman is like the dropſie: for as drinke increaſeth the drought of the one, euen ſo Money inlargeth the pride of the other: thy Purſe muſt be alway open to feed her fancy, and ſo thy expences will be great, and yet perhaps thy getting ſmal: thy houſe muſt be ſtored with coſtly ſtuffe, & yet perhaps thy ſeruants ſtarued for lacke of Meat: thou muſt diſcharge the Mercers Book, and pay the Haberdaſhers man, for her Hat muſt continually be of the new faſhion, & her Gowne of finer Wooll then the Sheepe beareth any: ſhe muſt likewiſe haue her Iewell-Box furniſhed, eſpecially if ſhe be beautifull; for then commonly Beauty & Pride goeth together: and a beautifull woman is for the moſt part coſtly, and no good Huſwife; and if ſhe be a good Huſwife, then no Seruant will abide her fierce crueltie: and if ſhee be honeſt and chaſte, then commonly ſhee is iealous.
A Kings Crowne & a faire woman is deſired of many: But he that getteth either of them, liueth in great troubles and hazard of his life. He that getteth a faire Woman, is like vnto a Priſoner loaden with fetters of gold: for thou ſhalt not ſo oft kiſſe the ſweet lips of thy beautifull Wife, as thou ſhalt be driuen to fetch bitter ſighs from thy ſorrowfull heart, in thinking of the charge which commeth by her: for if thou deny her of ſuch toyes as ſhe ſtands not in need of, and yet is deſirous of them, then ſhee will quickly ſhut thee out of the doores of her fauor, & deny thee her perſon, and ſhew her ſelfe as it were at a Window, playing vpon thee, not with ſmall ſhot, but with a cruell Tongue; ſhee will ring thee ſuch a peale, that one would think the Deuil were come from Hell, ſaying, I might haue had thoſe which would haue maintained me like a Woman, whereas now I goe like no-body; but I wil be maintained, if thou wert hanged: with ſuch like words ſhe will vexe thee, blubbering forth abundance of diſſembling teares (for Women do teach their eyes to weepe:) for do but croſſe a Woman, although it be neuer ſo little, ſhee will ſtraightway put finger in the eye, and cry: then preſently many a fooliſh man will flatter her, and intreat her to be quiet; but that marres all, for the more ſhee is intreated, ſhee wil powre forth the more abundance of deceitfull teares, & therefore no more to be pittied, then to ſee a Gooſe go bare-foote; for they haue teares at command, ſo haue they words at will, and oathes at pleaſure; for they make as much account of an oath, as a Marchant doth, which will forſweare himſelfe for the getting of a penny. I neuer yet knew Woman that would deny to ſweare in defence of her own honeſty, & alwayes ſtand highly vpon it, although ſhee be aſhamed to weare it in Winter for catching of cold, nor in Summer for heat, fearing leaſt it may melt away.
Many will ſay, this which I write is true, and yet they cannot beware of the Deuil, vntil they are plagued with his Dam: The little Lambe skips and leapes, till the Foxe come, but then hee quiuers and ſhakes; the Beare dances at the ſtake, till the Dogges be vpon his backe; and ſome men neuer feare their Mony, vntill they come into the hands of Theeues: euen ſo, ſome will neuer be warned, and therefore are not to be pittied, if they be harmed. What are women, that make thee ſo greedily to gape after them? Indeede, ſome their faces are fairer and beautifuller then others; ſome againe ſtand highly vpon their fine foot and hand, or elſe all women are alike: Ione is as good as my Lady, according to the Countrey mans Prouerbe, who gaue a great ſumme of Money to lye with a Lady; and going homewards, he made grieuous moane for his Money: and one being on the other ſide the hedge, heard him ſay, That his Ione at home was as good as the Lady. But whether this be true, or no, my ſelfe I doe not know; but you haue it as I heard it.
If thou marryeſt a woman of euill report, her diſcredit will be a ſpot in thy brow: thou canſt not goe in the ſtreet with her without mocks, nor amongſt thy neighbours without frumps; and commonly the faireſt women are ſooneſt enticed to yeeld vnto vanitie. He that hath a faire Wife and a Whetſtone, euery one will be whetting thereon: and a Caſtle is hard to keepe, when it is aſſaulted by many; and faire women are commonly catched at. He that marryeth a faire woman, euery one will wiſh his death to enioy her; and if thou be neuer ſo rich, and yet but a Clowne in condition, then will thy faire Wife haue her credit, to pleaſe her fancie; for a Diamond hath not his grace but in gold, no more hath a faire woman her full commendations, but in the ornament of her brauery; by which meanes there are diuers women, whoſe beautie hath brought their husbands into great pouertie and diſcredit, by their pride and whoredome. A faire woman commonly will goe like a Peacocke, and her Husband muſt goe like a Wood-cocke.
That great Giant Pamphimapho, had Beares waiting vpon him like Dogges, and could make tame any wilde Beaſt; yet a wanton woman hee could neuer rule nor turne to his will.
Salomon was the wiſeſt Prince that euer was; yet hee luſted after ſo many women, that they made him quickly forſake his God, which did alwayes guide his ſteps, ſo long as he liued godly.
And was not Dauid the beſt beloued of God, and a mightie Prince? yet for the loue of women hee purchaſed the diſpleaſure of his God.
Sampſon was the ſtrongeſt man that euer was, for euery lock of his head was the ſtrength of another man; yet by a woman he was ouercome: he reuealed his ſtrength to her, and payed his life for that folly.
Did not Iezabel for her wicked luſt cauſe her Husbands bloud to be giuen to Dogges?
Iobs Wife gaue her Husband counſell to blaſpheme God, and to curſe him.
Agamemnons WiFe, for a ſmall iniurie that her Husband did her, ſhee firſt committed adulterie, and afterwards conſented to his death.
Alſo the Wife of Hercules, ſhe gaue her Husband a poyſoned Shirt, which was no ſooner on his back, but it did ſticke ſo faſt, that when he would haue plucked it off, it tore the fleſh with it.
If thou wouldeſt auoyd theſe euils, thou muſt with Vlyſſes binde thy ſelfe to the Maſt of the Ship, as he did, or elſe it would haue coſt him his life; for otherwiſe the Syrenian women would haue inticed him into the Sea, if he had not ſo done.
It is ſtrange to ſee the mad feates of women: for they will be now merry, then againe ſad; now laugh, then weepe; now ſick, then preſently whole: all things which like not them, are naught; and if it be neuer ſo bad, if it like them, it is excellent. Againe, it is death for women to be denyed the thing which they demaund, and yet they will deſpiſe things giuen vnasked.
When a woman wanteth any thing, ſhee will flatter and ſpeake faire; not much vnlike the flattering Butcher, who gently claweth the Oxe, when hee intendeth to knocke him on the head: but the thing being once obtayned, and their deſires gayned, then they will begin to looke bigge, and anſwere ſo ſtately, and ſpeake ſo ſcornefully, chat one would imagine they would neuer ſeeke helpe, nor craue comfort at thy hand any more. But a woman is fitly compared to a Shippe, which being neuer ſo well rigged, yet one thing or other is to be amended: euen ſo, giue a woman all that ſhee can demand to day, yet ſhee will be out of reparations to morrow, and want one thing or other.
Women are called night-Crowes, for that commonly in the night they will make requeſt for ſuch toyes as commeth in their heads in the day. Women know their time to worke their craft; for in the night they will worke a man like Waxe, and draw him like as the Adamant doth the Iron: and hauing once brought him to the bent of their Bow, then ſhee makes requeſt for a Gowne of the new-faſhion Stuffe, for a Petticote of the fineſt Stammell or for a Hat of the neweſt faſhion. Her husband being ouercome by her flattering ſpeech, partly hee yeeldeth to her requeſt, although it be a griefe to him, for that he can hardly ſpare it out of his ſtocke; yet for quietneſſe ſake, hee doth promiſe what ſhee demandeth, partly becauſe he would ſleepe quietly in his Bed. Againe, euery married man knoweth this, that a woman will neuer be quiet, if her minde be ſet vpon a thing, till ſhee haue it. Now, if thou driue her off with delayes, then her fore-head will be ſo full of frownes, as if ſhee threatned to make Clubs Trumpe, and thou neuer a black Card in thy hand: for except a woman haue what ſhe will, ſay what ſhe liſt, and go where the pleaſe, otherwiſe thy houſe will be ſo full of ſmoake, that thou canſt not ſtand in it.
It is ſaid, That an old Dogge and an hungry Flea bite ſore; but in my minde a froward woman biteth more ſorer: and if thou goe about to maſter a woman, hoping to bring her to humilitie; there is no way to make her good with ſtripes, except thou beat her to death: for do what thou wilt, yet a froward woman in her franticke mood will pull, hale, ſweare, ſcratch, and teare all that ſtands in her way.
What wilt thou that I ſay more, oh thou poore married man? If women doe not feele the raine, yet here is a ſhowre comming, which will wet them to the skinnes. A woman which is faire in ſhew, is foule in condition; ſhee is like vnto a Glow-worme, which is bright in the hedge, and blacke in the hand: in the greeneſt Graſſe lyeth hid the greateſt Serpents; painted Pots commonly hold deadly poyſon; and in the cleareſt water the vglieſt Toad; and the faireſt woman hath ſome filthineſſe in her. All is not Gold that gliſtereth: a ſmiling countenance is no certaine teſtimoniall of a merry heart, nor coſtly garments of a rich Purſe. Men doe not commend a Iudge for that he weareth a Scarlet Gowne, but for his iuſt dealing; no more are women to be eſteemed of by the ornament of their brauerie, but for their good behauiour: yet there is no Riuer ſo cleare, but there is ſome durt in the bottome. But many a man in this Land, we need not goe any further for examples, but here we may ſee many fooles in euery place ſnared in womens Nets, after a little familiaritie and acquaintance with them: I thinke if they were numbred, the number would paſſe infinit, if it were poſſible, which for the loue of wantons haue loſt their Voyages at Sea, to their great hinderances; and many other haue neuer regarded the farre diſtance which they haue beene from their Countrey and Friends, vntill they had conſumed their ſubſtance: and then being aſhamed to returne home againe in ſuch bad ſort, I meane by Weeping-Croſſe & Pennyleſſe Bench; many of them rather chuſe to deſerue New-gate, and ſo come to Tiburne; farre contrary to the expectation of their Friends and Parents, which had otherwiſe prouided for them, if they had had grace, or would haue been ruled. CHAP. II.
irſt that of Salomon, vnto whom God gaue ſingular wit and wiſedomes; yet hee loued ſo many women, that hee quite forgot his God, which alwayes did guide his ſteps, ſo long as hee liued godly, and ruled iuſtly: but after he had glutted himſelfe with women, then he could ſay, Vanitie of vanities, all is but vanitie. He alſo, in many places of his Booke of Prouerbs exclaimes moſt bitterly againſt lewd women, calling them all that naught is and alſo diſplayeth their properties. And yet I cannot let men goe blameleſſe, although women goe ſhameleſſe; but I will couch them both: for if there were not receiuers, then there would not be ſo many ſtealers; if there were not ſo many Knaues, there would not be ſo many Whores; for they both hold together, to boulſter each others villany: for alwayes birds of a feather will flocke together, hand in hand, to boulſter each others villany. Men I ſay may liue without women, but women cannot liue without men: For Venus, whoſe beauty was excellent faire, yet when ſhee needed a mans helpe, ſhee tooke Vulcan, a club-footed Smith. And therefore, if a womans face gliſter, & her geſture pierce the Marble wall; or if her Tongue be ſo ſmooth as Oyle, and ſo ſoft as Silke, and her words ſo ſweet as Honey; or if ſhe were a very Ape for wit, or a bagge of Gold for wealth; or if her Perſonage haue ſtolne away all that Nature can affoord, and ſhe be deckt vp in gorgeous apparrell: then a thouſand to one but ſhee will loue to walke where ſhee may get acquaintance; and acquaintance bringeth familiaritie, and familiaritie ſetteth all follies abroach; and twenty to one, that if a woman loue gadding, but that ſhe will pawne her honeſty to pleaſe her fantaſie.
Man muſt be at all the coſt, and yet liue by the loſſe; a man muſt take all the paines, and women will ſpend all the gaines: A man muſt watch and ward, fight and defend, till the Ground, labour in the Vineyard; and looke what he getteth in ſeuen yeeres, a woman will ſpread it abroad with a Forke in one yeere, and yet little enough to ſerue his turne, but a great deale too little to get her good will: Nay, if thou giue her neuer ſo much, and yet if thy perſonage pleaſe not her humour, then will I not giue a halfe-penny for her honeſtie at the yeeres end: For then her Breſt will be the harbourer of an enuious heart, and her heart the ſtore-houſe of poyſoned hatred: her head will deuiſe villany, and her hands are readie to practiſe that which her heart deuiſeth.
Then who can but ſay, that Women ſprung from the Deuill, whoſe heads, hands, hearts, minds and ſoules are euill? for women are called the hooke of all euill, becauſe men are taken by them, as Fiſh is taken by the hooke. For women haue a thouſand wayes to entice thee, and ten thouſand wayes to deceiue thee, and all ſuch fooles as are ſuitors vnto them: ſome they keepe in hand with promiſes, and ſome they feede with flattery, and ſome they delay with dalliance, and ſome they pleaſe with kiſſes: they lay out the foldes of their haire, to entangle men into their loue; betwixt their breaſts is the valley of deſtruction, and in their beds is hell, ſorrow, and repentance. Eagles eat not men till they are dead, but Women deuoure them aliue: for a Woman will pick thy pocket, and empty thy purſe, laugh in thy face, and cut thy throat: they are vngratefull; periured, full of fraud, flouting, and deceit, vnconſtant, waſpiſh, toyiſh, light, ſullen, proud, diſcourteous, and cruel, and yet they were by God created, and by Nature formed, and therefore by pollicy and wiſdome to be auoyded; for good things abuſed, are to be refuſed, or elſe for a Moneths pleaſure, ſhe may hap to make thee goe ſtarke naked: ſhe will giue thee roſt-meat, but ſhe will beat thee with the Spit: if thou haſt Crownes in thy purſe, ſhe will be thy hearts gold, vntill ſhe leaue thee not a whit of white money: they are like Summer birds, for they will abide no ſtorme, but flocke about thee in the pride of thy glory, and fly from thee in the ſtormes of affliction: for they ayme more at thy wealth then at thy perſon, and eſteeme more thy money, then any mans vertuous qualities: for they eſteeme of a man without money, as a Horſe doth of a faire Stable without meat: they are like Eagles, which will alwayes flye where the carrion is.
She will play the horſe-leach to ſuck away thy wealth, but in the winter of thy miſery ſhee will fly away from thee: Not vnlike the Swallow, which in the summer harboureth her ſelfe vnder the eues of an houſe, and againſt winter flyeth away, leauing nothing but durt behind her.
Salomon ſaith, he that will ſuffer himſelfe to be led away, or take delight in ſuch womens company, is like a foole which reioyceth when he is led to the ſtockes. Pro. 7.
Hoſea, by marriage with a lewd woman, of light behauiour, was brought into Idolatry. Hoſ. 1. S. Paul accounteth fornicators ſo odious, that we ought not to eat meate with them; he alſo ſheweth, that fornicators ſhall not inherit the kingdome of Heauen, 1. Corinth. the 9. and 11. verſe.
And in the ſame Chapter Saint Paul excommunicateth fornicators, but vpon amendment he receiueth them againe. Whoredome is puniſhed with death, Deutero. 22. 21. and Geneſ. 38. 24. Phineæs, a Prieſt, thruſt two Adulterers, both the man and the woman, through the belly with a ſpeare, Numbers 25.
God deteſteth the money or goods gotten by whoredome, Deuteronomy 23.17.18. Whores called by diuers names, and the properties of whores, Prou. 7.6. and 2. A Whore enuieth an honeſt woman. Eſdras 19. and 42. Whoremongers God will iudge, Heb. 13. and 42. They ſhall haue their portion with the wicked, in the lake that burneth with fire and brimſtone, Reuel.21.8.
Onely for the ſinne of whoredome God was ſorry at the heart, and repented that euer he made man, Geneſis 6.6.7.
Saint Paul ſaith, to auoyd fornication, euery man may take a wife, 1 Corinthians the 7.2.
Therefore hee which hath a wife of his owne, and yet goeth to another woman, is like a rich Theefe, which will ſteale when he hath no neede.
There are three wayes to know a Whore: by her wanton lookes, by her ſpeech, and by her gate, Eccleſiaſticus 26. and in the ſame chapter he ſaith, that we muſt not giue our ſtrength vnto Harlots: for Whores are the euil of all euils, and the vanitie of all vanities; they weaken the ſtrength of a man, and deprive the body of his beauty; it ſurroweth the browes, and maketh the eyes dimme: and a whoriſh woman cauſeth the Feauer and the Gout; and at a word, they are a great ſhortening to a mans life. For although they ſeeme to be ſo daintie as ſweet meat, yet in triall they are not ſo wholeſome as ſowre ſawce: They haue wit, but it is all in craft; if they loue, it is vehement; but if they hate, it is deadly.
Plato ſaith, That women are either Angels or Diuels, and that they either loue dearely, or hate bitterly; for a woman hath no meane in her loue, nor mercy in her hate; no pitty in reuenge, nor patience in her anger: therefore it is ſaid, that there is nothing in the world which both pleaſeth and diſpleaſeth a man more then a woman; for a woman moſt delighteth a man, and yet moſt deceiueth him: for as there is nothing more ſweet vnto a man, then a woman when ſhe ſmileth; euen ſo, there is nothing more odious, then the fierce and angry countenance of a woman.
Salomon in his 20. of Eccleſiaſtes ſaith, that an angry woman will fome at the mouth like a Bore: if all this be true, as moſt true it is, why ſhouldeſt thou ſpend one houre in the praiſe of a woman, as ſome fooles doe? for ſome will brag of the beauty of ſuch a maid; another will vaunt of the bravery of ſuch a woman, that ſhe goeth beyond all the women in the Pariſh: againe, ſome ſtudy their fine wits, how they may cunningly ſoothe women; and with Logicke how to reaſon with them, and with Eloquence to perſwade them: they are alwayes tempering their wits as Fidlers doe their ſtrings, who wreſt them ſo high, that many times they ſtretch them beyond time, tune, and reaſon.
Againe, there are many that weary themſelues with dallying, playing, and ſporting with women, and yet they are neuer ſatisfied with the vnſatiable deſire of them: if with a Song thou wouldeſt be brought aſleepe, or with a Dance be led to delight, then a faire woman is fit for thy dyet; if thy Head be in her Lappe, ſhe will make thee beleeue that chou art hard by Gods Seat, when indeede thou art iuſt at Hell Gate.
Theodora, a monſtrous Strumpet, on a time made her bragges to Socrates, of the great haunt of luſtie Gallants which came to her houſe: and furthermore, ſhee told him, that ſhee could get away more of his Schollers from him, then he could of hers from her. No maruell (quoth Socrates) for thy wayes ſeeme pleaſant and eaſie, and that is the way youth loues to walke in; but the way that leadeth to a vertuous life, ſeemeth full of brambles and bryars.
And to match with this, there is an Hiſtorie that makes mention of three notable Curtizans, whoſe names were Lauia, Flora, and Layes: Lauia and Layes were homo, common to all men; they would play at ſmall game, rather then ſit out: theſe 3. ſtrumpets, during their life time, were the beautifulleſt & richeſt of that trade in the world, & had 3. ſeueral gifts, whereby they allured their Louers to ſeek their fauors. The Engine wherewith Lauia entrapped her Louers, proceeded from her eyes; for by her ſmiling countenance, and wanton lookes, ſhe greatly inflamed all that beheld her. And Flora wan her louers by her excellent wit and eloquent tongue. And Layes enticed her Louers by her ſweet ſinging and pleaſant fingering of Inſtruments of muſicke.
But now againe to Lauia, King Demetrius gaue but a glaunce of his eyes ſuddenly vpon her, and was taken preſently with her net, and ſpent eleuen talents of ſiluer vpon her, which he had prouided and appointed to pay his ſouldiers: and furthermore he quite forſooke his owne wife, and neuer left the company of this Strumper, vntill death tooke her from him; and after ſhee was dead, hee made great moane for her death; he alſo kiſſed and embraced her, and cauſed her to be buried vnder his window that ſo often as he did ſee her graue, he might bewaile her death.
Layes likewiſe had a King, whoſe name was Pirrhus, which was her chiefe friend, but yet he ſerued but as it were for a cloak; for he continued not very long with her in Greece, but went himſelfe to the warres in Italy, but in his abſence ſhe was not onely ſought to, but obtained of many, and ſet downe her price, that before ſhe would doe her worke, ſhe would haue her money.
Now to Flora, ſhe was a Kings daughter, her Parents dyed when ſhe was of the age of fifteene yeeres, and ſhee was left as rich as beautifull, ſhe had the bridle of liberty throwne on her necke, ſo that ſhe might runne whither ſhe would; for ſhe was without controulement, ſo that ſodainly ſhe determined to trauell & ſee the wars of Africa, where ſhe made ſale both of her perſonage and honor.
King Menelaus was the firſt that made loue vnto her, as hee was marching to the warres of Carthage, and ſpent more money vpon her, then in conquering his enemies.
But as ſhe was of a noble race, ſo it is ſaid, that the neuer gaue her ſelfe ouer to meane and petty company, as the other two did; but ſhee had a ſcroule ſet ouer her gate, the tenor whereof was thus, King, Prince, Emperour or Biſhop, enter this pallace and welcome: neither was this Flora ſo greedy of gold, as the other two were; for on a time one of her familiar friends asked her the cauſe why ſhe did not make price of her loue? ſhee made this anſwere, I commit my body to none but to Princes and Noblemen, and I ſweare there was neuer man gaue me ſo little, but that I had more then I would haue asked, or that I looked for; and furthermore ſhe ſaid, that a noble woman ought not to make price of her loue: all things are at a certaine rate, except loue, and that a woman of great beauty ſhould be ſo much eſteemed of, as ſhe eſteemes of her ſelfe. Shee dyed at the age of fortie yeares, and the wealth ſhe left behinde her in Rome, was valued to be ſo much, as would haue builded new walles round about the City, if there had beene no wals at all.
Was not that noble City of Troy ſacked and ſpoyled for the faire Hellen? and when it had coſt many mens liues, & much blood was ſhed, and when they had got the conqueſt, they got but an harlot. By this and that which followeth, thou ſhalt ſee the power of women, how it hath beene ſo great, and more preuailed in bewitching mens wits, and in ouer-comming their ſenſes, then all other things whatſoeuer. It hath not onely vanquiſhed Kings and Keiſars, but it hath alſo ſurpriſed caſtles & countries; nay, what is it that a woman cannot doe, which knowes her power?
Therefore ſtay not alone in the company of a woman, truſting to thy owne chaſtitie, except thou be more ſtronger then Sampſon, more wiſe then Salomon, or more holy then Dauid; for theſe and many more haue been ouercome by the ſweet enticements of women, as thou ſhalt reade hereafter.
It is ſaid, That the Gods themſelues did change their ſhapes, for the loue of ſuch women as they luſted after. Iupiter he transformed himſelfe into a Bull, Neptune into a Horſe, and Mercary into a Goat.
Ariſtippus deſired ſweet meat for his belly, and a faire woman for his bed.
But in my minde, he that layes his net to catch a faire woman, hee may chaunce to fall into the ſprindge which was laid for a Woodcocke: therefore I doe admoniſh young men, and I aduiſe old men, and I counſell ſimple men, and I warne all men, that they flye from a wicked woman, as from the peſtilence, or elſe ſhe will make thee flye in the end.
Ariſtotle, for keeping company with a quean in Athens, was faine to runne away, to ſaue himſelfe from puniſhment, and yet he had dwelt there, and wrote many bookes for the ſpace of thirtie yeares.
Againe, Sampſon and Hercules for all their great ſtrength and conqueſt of Giants and Monſters, yet the one yeelded his club at Diaueras foote, and the other reuealed his ſtrength to Dalilah, and paid his life for his folly.
The ſugred and renowned Orators Demoſthenes and Hortenſius, the one came from Athens vnto Corinth, to compound and agree with Layes a common ſtrumpet, as you heard before of her, and yet hee had but one nights lodging with her. And the other was ſo farre in loue with another bird of the ſame cage, the which hee could not obtaine, nor yet could he conquer her affection, vntill hee had quite pined himſelfe away, ſo that in ſhort time he had waſted himſelfe to nothing.
Plato, for all his great Philoſophy and knowledge, yet he kept company with Archenaſſe when ſhe was old, and forſaken of all her Louers: for ſhe had giuen her ſelfe to a number in her youth, yet neuertheleſſe Plato ſo loued her, that he wrote many verſes incommendation of her.
Alſo Socrates for his grauity and wiſedome is renowned throughout all the world, yet hee moſt dearely loued Alphaſy, an old and ouer-worne Strumpet.
Loue ſtayed King Antiochus in Calcidea a whole winter, for one maide that hee fancied there, to his great hinderance.
Loue ſtayed King Hanniball in Capua a long ſeaſon, laying all other his neceſſary affaires aſide, the which was no ſmall hinderance to him; for in the meane while his enemies inuaded a great part of his Countrey.
Likewiſe Iulius Cæſar, he continued in Alexandria, a long ſeaſon, not for the loue of one, but he luſted after many, to his great infamy any diſgrace.
That great Captaine Holofernes, whoſe fight made many thouſands to quake, yet he loſt his life and was ſlaine by a woman.
Was not Herods loue ſo great to a woman, that he cauſed, Iohn Baptiſt to looſe his head for hex ſake?
Wherefore to auoide the ſight, many times is the beſt raſor, to cut off the occaſion of the euill which commeth by women: for had not Holofernes ſeene the beauty of Iudith, and marked the fineneſſe of her foote, he had not loſt his head by her. If Herod had not ſeene Herodias daughter daunce, he had not ſo raſhly granted her Saint Iohn Baptiſts head. Had not Eue ſeene the Apple, and alſo ſhe was tempted with the beauty of the Serpent, who as our Schoole-men doe write, that he ſhewed himſelfe like a faire yong man; but had not the ſeene it, I ſay, ſhee had not eaten thereof, to her owne griefe and many more. By ſight, the wife of Potiphar was moued to luſt after her ſeruant Ioſeph. It is ſaid of Semiramis of Babylon, that after her husbands death, ſhe waxed ſo vnſatiable in carnall luſt, that two men at one time could not ſatiffie her deſire, and ſo by her vnſatiableneſſe, at length all Perſia grew full of whores.
And likewiſe of one Veniſe a ſtrumpet in Cipris, it is ſuppoſed, that by her fame and ill life, ſhe cauſed all Cipris at length to be full of queanes.
And of one faire Rodape in Egypt, who was the firſt noted woman in that Countrey, but at length all the whole Countrey became full of Strumpets.
Is it not ſtrange, that the ſeed of one man ſhould breed ſuch woe vnto all men?
One ſaid vnto his friend, Come let vs goe ſee a pretty wench. The other made this anſwere; I haue, ſaid hee, ſhaken ſuch fetters from my heeles, and I will neuer goe where I know I ſhall repent afterwards. But yet happily ſome may ſay vnto me; It thou ſhouldeſt refuſe the company or the curteſie of a woman, then ſhe would account thee a ſoft-ſpirited foole, a milke-fop, and a meacocke.
But alas, fond foole, wilt thou more regard their babble then thine owne bliſſe? or eſteeme more their frumpes, then thine owne welfare? Doeſt thou not know, that Women alwayes ſtriue againſt wiſedome, although many times it be to their vtter ouerthrow? Like the Bee, which is often hurt with her owne Honey; euen ſo women are often plagued with their owne conceit, weighing downe loue with diſcourteſie, giuing him a weed, which preſents them with flowers; as their catching in ieaſt, and their keeping in earneſt: and yet ſhe thinkes that ſhe keepes her ſelfe blameleſſe, and in at ill vices ſhee would goe nameleſſe: but if ſhee carry it neuer ſo cleane, yet in the end ſhee will be accounted but for a cunny- catching queane: and yet ſhe will ſweare that the will thriue, as long as ſhe can finde one man aliue; for ſhe thinkes to doe all her knauery inuiſible: ſhe will haue a figge-leafe to couer her ſhame; but when the figge-leafe is dry and withered, it doth ſhew their nakedneſſe to the world. For take away their painted cloathes, and then they looke like ragged walls; take away their ruffes, and they looke ruggedly; their coyfes and ſtomachers, and they are ſimple to behold; their hayre vntruſt, and they looke wildely; and yet there are many, which lay their nets to catch a pretty woman: but hee which getteth ſuch a prize, gaynes nothing by his aduenture, but ſhame to the Body, and danger to the Soule; for the heate of the young bloud of theſe wantons, leades many vnto deſtruction for this worlds pleaſure: It inchants your Mindes, and enfeebleth your Bodies with diſeaſes; it alſo ſcandalizeth your good names: but moft of all, it endangereth your Soules. How can it otherwiſe chooſe, when luſt and vncleaneneſſe continually keepe them company, gluttony and ſloath ſerueth them at the table, pride and vaine-glory apparelleth them, but theſe ſeruants will waxe weary of their ſeruice, and in the end they ſhall haue no other ſeruants to attend them, but only ſhame; griefe and repentance: but then, oh then (you will ſay) when it is too late; Oh would to God that wee had beene more carefull of true glorious modeſtie, and leſſe cunning to keepe wantons company! Oh therefore remember, and thinke before-hand, that euery ſweet hath his ſowre: then buy not with a drop of honey a gallon of gall. Doe not thinke that this worlds pleavure will paſſe away with a trifle, and that no ſooner done, but preſently forgotten: No, no, anſwere your ſelues, that the puniſhment remaineth eternally, and therefore better it were to be an addle egge, then an ill bird. For we are not borne to our ſelues, to liue at pleaſure, but to take paines, and to labour for the good of our Countrey; yet ſo delightfull is the preſent ſweetneſſe, that wee neuer remember the following ſowre: for youth is too too eaſily wonne and ouercome with the worlds vanities: Oh, too ſoone (I ſay) is youth in the bloſſomes deuoured with the Caterpillers of foule luſt and laſciuious deſires. The blacke Fiend of Hell, by his inticing ſweete ſinne of luſt, drawes many young wits to confuſion: for in time it drawes out the heart bloud of your good names, and that being once loſt, is neuer gotten againe.
Againe, luſt cauſeth you to doe ſuch foule deedes, which makes your ſore heads for euer afterwards ſeeme ſpotted with blacke ſhame and euerlaſting infamy, by which meanes, your graues after death are cloſed vp with times ſcandall. And yet women are eaſily wooed, and ſoone won, got with an Apple, and loſt with the paring. Young wits are ſoone corrupted, womens bright beauties breede curious thoughts; and golden gifts eaſily ouercome wanton deſires, with changing modeſtie into paſtimes of vanitie and being once delighted therein, continue in the ſame without repentance: you are onely the peoples wonder, and misfortunes banding ball, toſt vp & downe the world with woe vpon woe; yea, ten thouſand woes will bee galloping hard at your heeles, and purſue you whereſoeuer you goe: for thoſe of ill report cannot long ſtay in one place, but rome and wander about the world, and yet euer vnfortunate, proſpering in nothing, forſaken and caſt out of all ciuill companies, ſtill in feare leſt Authoritie with the ſword of Iuſtice barre them of liberty. Loe thus your liues are deſpiſed walking like night-Owles in miſery, and no comfort ſhall be your friend, but onely Repentance comming too late, and ouer-deare bought. A penance and puniſhment due to all ſuch hated creatures as theſe are.
Therefore beleeue all you vnmarried wantons, and in beleeuing grieue, that you haue thus vnluckily made your ſelues neither Maides, Widdowes, nor Wiues, but more vile then filthy channell-durt, fit to be ſwept out of the heart and ſuburbs of your Countrey. O then ſuffer not this worlds pleaſure to take from you the good thoughts of an honeſt life: But downe, downe vpon your knees you earthly Serpents, and waſh away your blacke ſinne with the chriſtall teares of true ſorrow and repentance, ſo that when you wander from this inticing world, you may be waſhed and cleanſed from this foule leproſie of nature.
Loe thus in remorſe of minde, my tongue hath vttered to the Wantons of the World the aboundance of my hearts griefe, which I haue perceiued by the vnſeemely behauiour of vnconſtant, both men and women: yet men for the moſt part are touched but with one fault, which is drinking too much; but it is ſaid of Women, that the haue two faults, that is, they can neyther ſay well, nor yet doe well.
For commonly Women are the moſt part of the fore-noone painting themſelues, and frizling their hayres, and prying in their Glaſſe like Apes, to pranke vp themſelues in their Gaudies, like Puppets; or like the Spider, which weaues a fine webbe to hang the Fly. Amongſt women ſhe is accounted a Slut, which goeth not in her Silkes: Therefore if thou wilt pleaſe thy Lady, thou muſt like and loue, ſue and ſerue; and in ſpending, thou muſt lay on load: for they muſt haue maintenance, howſoeuer thou get it, by hooke or crooke, out of Iudas Bagge, or the Diuels Budget; thou muſt ſpare neyther Lands nor Liuing, Money nor Gold.
For Women will account thee a Pinch-penny, if thou be not prodigall; and a Daſtard, if thou be not ventrous; for they account none valiant, except they bee deſperate: if ſilent, a Sot; if full of words, a Foole; iudging all to be Clownes, which be not Courtiers. If thou bee cleanly in thine Apparrell, they will tearme thee proud; if meane in Apparrell, a Slouen: if tall, a Lunges; if ſhort, a Dwarfe: for they haue ripe wits, and ready Tongues; and if they get an ynch, they will claime an ell: ſhe will coll thee about the necke with one hand, but the other ſhall bee diuing into thy pocket: and if thou take her with the manner, then it was but in ieſt; but many times they take it in ieſt, and (if they be not ſpyed) keepe it in earneſt: But if thy pockets grow emptie, and thy reuenues will not hold out longer, to maintaine her pompe and brauerie; then ſhe preſently leaues to make much of thy perſon, and will not ſticke to ſay vnto thee, that ſhe could have beſtowed her loue on ſuch a one, as would haue maintained her like a Woman: ſo by this means they weaue the webbe of their owne woe, and ſpinne the thred of their owne thraldome; if they lack, they wil lack at the laſt, for they wil cut it out of the whole Cloth, ſo long as the Piece will hold out.
Is not the Bee hiued for his Honey, the Sheepe ſheared for his Fleece, the Oxe necke wrought for his Maſters profit, the Fowle plucked for her Feathers, the Tree grafted to bring forth Fruit, and the Earth laboured to bring forth Corne? But what labour or coſt thou beſtoweſt on a Woman, is all caſt away, for ſhe will yeeld thee no profit at all: for when thou haſt done all, and giuen them all that they can demaund, yet thou ſhalt bee as well rewarded as thoſe men were, whom Eſop hyred for three-halfe-pence a day to heare him recite his Fables.
Theſe things being wiſely conſidered, then what a foole art thou to blinde thy ſelfe in their bold behaviour, and bow at their beckes, and come at their calls, and ſell thy Lands, to make them ſwimme in their Silkes, and iet in their Iewels, making Gill a Gentlewoman, inſomuch, that ſhe careth not a penny for the fineſt, nor a fig for the proudeſt? ſhe is as good as the beſt, although ſhe haue no more honeſty then hardly to ſerue her owne turne, ſuffering euery mans fingers as deepe in the Diſh as thine are in the Platter, and euery man to angle where thou caſteſt thy hooke, holding vp to all that come; not much vnlike a Barbers chaire, that ſo ſoone as one knaue is out, another is in, a common hackney for euery one that will ride, a boate for euery one to row in: now if thy wealth do begin to faile, then ſhe biddeth thee farewell, and giues thee the adieu in the Diuels name: not much vnlike the knauiſh Porters in Briſtow, who will cry, A new maſter, a new, and hang vp the old. If the matter be ſo plaine, then conſider this, that the houſe where ſuch a one keepeth her reſidence, is more odious with ſlander, then carrion doth infect the aire with ſtinke; let them flatter how they will, there is no loue in them but from the teeth outward. I blaze their properties the plainer, and giue thee the ſtronger reaſons, becauſe I would haue thee lothe the alluring traines of ſuch deceitfull and laſciuious women: although ſhe make great proteſtations of loue, and thereto bindeth her ſelfe with moſt damnable oathes, then beleeue her leaſt of all, for there is no more hold in her oathes, nor in her loue, then is certainty of a faire day in April, although it looke neuer ſo cleare, yet it may turne to a foule. I haue ſeene a Curtizan thus pictured out:
Firſt, a faire young man blinde, and in his armes a beautifull woman, with one hand in his pocket, ſhewing her theft, and a knife in the other hand to cut his throat.
Now peraduenture thou maiſt ſay vnto that, thou doeſt not know one woman from another without ſome triall, becauſe all women are in ſhape alike: for the ſowre crab is like the ſweet Pippin. True it is, the Rauen is a bird, and the Swan is but a bird: euen ſo, many women are in ſhape Angels, but in qualities Diuels, Painted Coffins, with rotten bones. The Eſtridge carryeth faire feathers, but rancke fleſh. The hearbe Molio carrieth a flowre as white as ſnow, but a roote as blacke as inke.
Although women are beautifull, ſhewing pitty, yet their hearts are blacke, ſwelling with miſchiefe, not much vnlike vnto old trees, whoſe outward leaues are faire and greene, and yet the body rotten: if thou haunt their houſes, thou wilt be enamoured; and if thou doe but hearken to theſe Syrens, thou wilt be inchanted, for they will allure thee with amorous glances of luſt, and yet kill thee with bitter lookes of hate: they haue dimples in their cheekes to deceiue thee, and wrinckles in their browes to betray thee: they haue eyes to intice, ſmiles to flatter, imbracements to prouoke, beckes to recall, lips to enchant, kiſſes to enflame, and teares to excuſe themſelues.
If God had not made them onely to be a plague to man, he would never haue called them neceſſary euils, and what are they better? for what doe they either get or gaine, ſaue or keepe? nay, they doe rather ſpend and confirme all that which a man painfully getteth: a man muſt be at all the coſt, and yet liue by the loſſe.
It is very eaſie for him which neuer experienced himſelfe in that vaine pleaſure, or repenting pleaſure, chooſe you whether, I meane the accompanying of lewd women: but ſuch as are exerciſed and experimented in that kinde of drudgery, they I ſay haue a continuall deſire, and temptation is ready at hand; therefore take heede at the firſt, ſuffer not thy ſelfe to be led away into luſtfull folly: for it is more eaſie for a young man or maid to forbeare carnall act, then it is for a widdow, and yet more eaſie for a widdow, then for her that is married, and hath her huſband wanting; then take heede at the firſt, for there is nothing gotten by women, but repentance.
For women are like the Bay-tree, which is euer greene, but without Fruit; or like the vnprofitable Thorne, which beareth as trim a Bloſſome as the Apple: This is nothing, but to tell thee, that thou muſt not iudge of Gold by the colour, nor of womens qualities by their faces, nor by their ſpeeches: for they haue delicate tongues, which will rauiſh and tickle the itching eares of giddy-headed yong men; ſo fooliſh, that they thinke themſelues happy if they can but kiſſe the Dazie whereon their loue did tread: who if ſhe frowne, then hee deſcends preſently into Hell; bur if ſhe ſmile, then is he carryed with wings vp into Heauen: There is an old ſaying, That when a Dog wagges his taile, he loues his Maſter.
Some thinke, that if a woman ſmile on them, ſhe is preſently ouer head and eares in loue: One muſt weare her Gloue, another her Garter, another her colours of delight, and another ſhall ſpend and liue on the ſpoyle which ſhe getteth from all the reſt: Then, if thou wile giue thy Body to the Chyrurgion, and thy Soule to the Diuel, ſuch women are fit for thy dyet. Many creatures of euery kind reſemble women in condition: for ſome Horſe, an vnskilfull Rider can hardly diſorder; and ſome againe, in deſpight of the beſt Rider that is, will haue a Iadiſh Tricke: ſome Hawke, although ſhe be ill ſerued, yet will ſit quiet; and ſome, if neuer ſo well ſerued, yet will continually flye at checke: againe, ſome Hounds by no meanes will forſake their vndertaken Game; and ſome againe, in deſpight of the Huntſman, will continually runne at randon: and ſome men will ſteale, if their hands were bound behinde them; and ſome againe, will rather ſtarue then ſteale: euen ſo ſome women will not bee wonne with ſeuen yeares louing, and ſome againe will offend with an houres libertie.
Therefore if thou ſtudy a thouſand yeares, thou ſhalt finde a woman nothing elſe but a contrary vnto man: nay, if thou continue with her an hundred yeares, thou ſhalt finde in her new fancies, and contrary ſorts of behauiour; therefore if all the world were paper, and all the ſea inke, and all the trees and plants were pens, and euery man in the world were a writer, yet were they not able with all their labour and cunning, to ſet downe all the crafty deceits of women.
Now mee thinkes I heare ſome of you ſay, that young wits are ſoone corrupted, and that womens bright beauty breedeth various thoughts in men, alſo golden gifts eaſily ouercommeth wanton womens deſires: and thereby maketh them become Venus darlings, quite changing cuſtomes of modeſtie into paſſions of vanitie, wherein once delighted, they continue in the ſame without repentance or ſorrow. But out alas you laſciuious Dames, theſe lewd conditions of yours will ſpeedily bring all your ioyes to ſorrow.
CHAP. III.
e not too haſty to marry, for doubtleſſe if thou marry in haſt, thou wilt repent by leaſure. For there are many troubles, which come galloping at the heeles of a woman, which many young men beforehand do not thinke of. The world is not all made of Oate meale; nor all is not Gold that gliſters; nor a ſmiling countenance is no certaine teſtimoniall of a merry heart; nor the way to heauen is not ſtrewed with ruſhes; no more is the cradle of eaſe in a womans lap. If thou wert a ſeruant or in bondage before, yet when thou marryeſt, thy toyle is neuer the nearer ended; but euen then & not before thou changeſt thy golden life which thou didſt leade before, in reſpect of the marryed, for a drop of hony, which quickly turneth to bee as bitter as Worme-wood. And therefore farre better it were to haue two ploughs going, then one cradle, & better a barne filled, then a bed; therefore cut off the occaſion which may any way bring thee into fooles Paradiſe. Then firſt and aboue all ſhun idleneſſe; for idleneſſe is the beginner and maintainer of loue, therefore apply thy ſelfe about ſome affaires, or be occupyed about ſome buſineſſe: for ſo long as thy minde or thy body is in labour, the loue of a woman is not remembred, nor luſt euer thought vpon: but if thou ſpend thy time idly amongſt women, thou art like vnto him which playeth with the Bee, who may ſooner feele of her ſting then taſte of her honey: he that toucheth pitch may be defiled therewith, Roſes vnaduiſedly gathered pricke our fingers, Bees vngently handled, ſting our faces: and yet the one is pleaſant, and the other is profitable. And if thou be in company of women, the Diuell himſelfe hath not more illuſions to get men into his Net, then women haue deuices and inuentions to allure men into their loue; and if thou ſuffer thy ſelfe once to be led into fooles Paradice, (that is to ſay) the Bed or Cloſet wherein a woman is, (then I ſay) thou art like a Bird ſnared in a Lime-buſh, which the more the ſtriueth, the faſter ſhe is. It is vnpoſſible to fall amongſt ſtones, and not be hurt; or amongſt thornes, and not be prickt; or amongſt Nettles, and not be ſtung: A man cannot carry fire in his boſome, and not burne his cloathing; no more can a man liue in loue, but it is a life as weariſome as Hell: and hee that marryeth a Wife, marcheth himſelfe vnto many troubles. If thou marryeſt a ſtill and quiet woman, it will ſeeme to thee, that thou rideſt but an ambling Horſe to Hell; but if with one that is froward and vnquiet, then thou wert as good ride a trotting Horſe to the Diuell. Heerein I will not be my owne caruer, but I referre you to the iudgement of thoſe which haue ſeene the troubles, and felt the torments: for none are better able to iudge of womens qualities, then thoſe which haue them; none feeles the hardneſſe of the Flint, but he that ſtrikes it; none knowes where the ſhooe pincheth, but he that weares it. It is ſaid, that a man ſhould eate a Buſhell of Salt with one which hee meanes to make his Friend, before hee put any great confidence or truſt in him: And if thou be ſo long in chooſing a Friend, in my minde thou hadſt neede to eate two Buſhels of Salt with a Woman, before thou make her thy Wife; otherwiſe, before thou haſt eaten one Buſhell with her, thou ſhalt taſte of ten quarters of ſorrow, and for euery dram of Pleaſure an Ounce of Paine, and for euery Pint of Honey a Gallon of Gall, and for euery Inch of Mirth an Ell of moane. In the beginning a womans loue ſeemeth delightfull, but endeth with deſtruction; therefore hee that truſteth to the loue of a woman, ſhall be as ſure as hee that hangeth by the leaſe of a tree in the latter end of Summer: and yet there is a great difference betwixt the ſtanding poole, and the running ſtreame, although they are both waters.
Therefore of two euils, chuſe the leaſt, and auoyd the greateſt. But my meaning is not here to aduiſe thee to chuſe the leaſt woman: tor the little women are as vnhappy as the greateſt; for though their ſtatures be little, yet their hearts are big: then ſpeake faire to all, but truſt none, and ſay with Diogenes, It is too ſoone for a young man to marry, and too late for old men. One asked a Phyloſopher, what the life of a married man was? hee anſwered, Miſery: And what is his felicitie? Miſerie: for he ſtill lingers in hope of further ioy: And what is his end? and he ſtill anſwered, Miſery.
There are ſixe kindes of women that thou ſhouldeſt take heede that thou match not thy ſelfe to any one of them: that is to ſay, good nor bad, faire nor foule, rich nor poore; for if thou marrieft one that is good, thou mayſt quickly ſpill her with too much making of her: for when prouender prickes a woman, then ſhee will grow knauiſh: and if bad, then thou muſt ſupport her in all her bad actions, and that will be ſo weariſome vnto thee, that thou hadſt as good draw water continually to fill a bottomleſſe tub: if ſhe be faire, then thou muſt doe nothing elſe but watch her: and if ſhee bee foule and loathſome, who can abide her? if ſhe bee rich, then thou muſt forbeare her becauſe of her wealth: and if ſhe be poore, then thou muſt needes maintaine her.
For if a woman be neuer ſo rich in dowrie, happy by her good name, beautifull of body, ſober of countenance, eloquent in ſpeech, and adorned with vertue, yet they haue one ill qualitie or other, which ouerthroweth all the other: like vnto that Cow which giueth great ſtore of milke, and preſently ſtriketh it downe with her foot: ſuch a Cow is as much to be blamed for the loſſe, as to be commended for the gift: or like as when men talke of ſuch a man, or ſuch a man, hee is an excellent good workman, or he is a good Chirurgion, or a good Phyſitian, or he is a pretty fellow of his hands, but if they conclude with this word, But it is pitty, hee hath one fault, which commonly in ſome men is drunkenneſſe: then I ſay, if he were endued with all the former qualities, yet they cannot gain him ſo much credit to counterpoyſe the diſcredit that commeth thereby.
It is ſaid of men, that they haue that one fault, but of women it is ſayd that they haue two faults, that is to ſay, they can neither ſay well, nor doe well: there is a ſaying that goeth thus; That things farre fetcht and deare bought are of vs moſt dearely beloued: the like may bee ſayd of women, although many of them are not farre fetched, yet they are deare bought; yea, and ſo deare, that many a man curſeth his hard penniworth, and bannes his owne heart. For the pleaſure of the faireſt woman in the world laſteth but a hony-moone, that is, while a man hath glutted his affections, and reaped the firſt fruit: his pleaſure being paſt, ſorrow and repentance remaineth ſtill with him.
Therefore to make thee the ſtronger to ſtriue againſt theſe tame Serpents, thou ſhalt haue more ſtrings to thy bow then one: it is ſafe riding at two ankers, alwaies looke before thou leape, leaſt thy ſhins thou chance to breake. Now the fire is kindled, let vs burne the other faggot, and ſo to our matter againe.
If a woman be neuer ſo comely, thinke her a counterfait: if neuer ſo ſtraight, thinke her crooked; if ſhe bee well ſet, call her a boſſe; if ſlender, a hazell twigge; if browne, thinke her as blacke a as Crow; if well-coloured, a painted wall; if ſad, or ſhame-fac’d, then thinke her a clowne; if merry and pleaſant, then ſhe is the liker to be a wanton. But if thou bee ſuch a foole, that thou wilt ſpend thy time and treaſure, the one in the loue of women, and the other to delight them; in my minde thou reſembleſt the ſimple Indians, who apparel themſelues moſt richly when they goe to be burned.
But what ſhould I ſay? ſome would not giue their bable for the Tower of London. He that hath ſailed at Sea, hath ſeene the dangers, and he that is married, can tell of his owne woe, but he chat was neuer burnt, will neuer dread the fire. Some will goe to Dice, although they ſee others looſe their money at Play, and ſome will marry though they beg together. Is it not ſtrange that men ſhould be ſo fooliſh to dote on women, who differ ſo farre in nature from men? for a man delights in armes, and in hearing the ratling drums, but a woman loues to heare ſweet Muſicke on the Lute, Cittern, or Bandora: a man reioyceth to march among the murthered carkaſſes, but a woman to dance on a ſilken carpet; a man loues to heare the threatnings of his Princes enemies, but a woman weepes when ſhe heares of warres: a man loues to lye on the cold graſſe, but a woman muſt be wrapped in warme mantles: a man triumphes at warres, but a woman reioyceth more at peace.
If a man talke of any kinde of beaſt or fowle, preſently the nature is knowne: as for example, the Lyons are all ſtrong and hardy, the Hares are all fearefull and cowardly, the Doues are all ſimple, and ſo of all beaſts and fowles the like I meane, few or none ſwaruing from his kinde; but women haue more contrary ſorts of behauiour then there be women: and therefore impoſſible for a man to know all, no nor one part of womens qualities, all the dayes of his life.
Some with ſweet words vndermine their husbands, as Dalila did Sampſon, and ſome with chiding and brawling are made weary of the world, as Socrates and others: Socrates when his wife did chide and brawle, would goe out of the houſe till all were quiet againe: but becauſe hee would not ſcould with her againe, it grieued her the more; for on a time ſhee watched his going out, and threw a chamber-pot out of a window on his head; Ha, ha, quoth hee, I thought after all this thunder there would come raine.
There is an hiſtory maketh mention of one named Annynius, who inuited a friend of his to go home with him to ſupper; but when he came home, he found his wife chiding and brawling with her Maidens, whereat his gueſt was very much diſcontented. Annynius turning to him, ſaid: Good Lord how impatient art thou? I haue ſuffered her theſe twenty yeeres, and canſt not thou abide her two howres? by which meanes he cauſed his wife to leaue chiding, and laughed out the matter.
There is no woman but either ſhe hath a long tongue, or a longing tooth, and they ar etwo ill neighbours, if they dwell together: for the one will lighten the purſe, if it be ſtill pleaſed, and the other will waken thee from thy ſleepe, if it be not charmed. Is it not ſtrange of what kinde of mettall a womans tongue is made, that neither correction can chaſten, nor faire meanes quiet? for there is a kinde of venome in it, that neither by faire meanes nor foule they are to bee ruled. All beaſts by men are made tame, but a womans tongue will neuer bee tame; it is but a ſmall thing and ſeldome ſeene, but it is often heard, to the terrour and vtter confuſion of many a man.
Therefore as a ſharpe bit curbes a froward horſe, euen ſo a curſt woman muſt be roughly vſed: but if women could hold their tongues, then many times men would hold their hands. As the beſt metled blade is mixt with iron, euen ſo the beſt woman that is, is not free from faults: the goodlieſt gardens are not free from weedes, ne more is the beſt, nor faireſt woman from ill deedes.
Hee that vſeth troth to tell,
May blamed be, though he ſay well.
If thou be young marry not yet;
If thon be old thou wilt haue more wit:
For young mens wiues will not be taught,
And old mens wiues are good for nought.
And be that for a womans ſtriues by law,
Shall ſtriue like a cox-combe, and prone but a Daw:
Then buy thou not with ouer-much coſt,
The thing which yeelds but labour loſt.
Diuers beaſts and fowles by nature have more ſtrength in one part of the body then in another; as the Eagle is the beake, the Vnicorne in the horne, the Bull in the head, the Beare in the armes, the Horſe in his Breſt, the Dogge in his teeth, the Serpent in his taile: but a womans chiefe ſtrength is in her tongue. The Serpent hath not ſo much venome in his taile, as ſhe hath in her tongue; and as the Serpent neuer leaueth hiſſing and ſtinging, and ſeeking to doe miſchiefe: euen ſo, ſome women are neuer well, except they bee caſting out venome with their tongues, to the hure of their husbands, or of their neighbours. Therefore he that will diſcloſe his ſecrets to a woman, is worthy to haue his haire cut with Sampſon: for, if thou vnfoldeſt any thing of ſecret to a woman, the more thou chargeſt her to keepe it cloſe, the more the will ſeeme as it were to be with childe till ſhee haue reuealed it amongſt her goſſips; yet if one ſhould make doubt of her ſecrecie, ſhe would ſeeme angry, and ſay, I am no ſuch light Huſwife of my tongue, as they whoſe ſecrets lye at their tongues ends, which flies abroad ſo ſoone as they open their mouthes; therefore feare not to diſcloſe your ſecrets to mee, for I was neuer touched with any ſtraine of my tongue in my life; nay, ſhe will not ſticke to ſweare that ſhe will treade it vnder foote, or bury it vnder a ſtone: yet for all this beleeue her not, for euery woman hath one eſpeciall goſſip at the leaſt, which ſhe doth loue and affect aboue all the reſt, and vnto her ſhee runneth with all the ſecrets ſhe knoweth.
There is a hiſtory maketh mention of one Lyas, whom King Amaſis commanded to goe into the Market, and to buy the beſt and profitableſt meat he could get; and hee bought nothing but tongues: the King asked him the reaſon why be bought no other meat, who made this anſwer: I was commanded to buy the beſt meate; and from the tongue come many good and profitable ſpeeches. Then the King ſent him againe, and bad him buy the worſt and vnprofitableſt meates and he likewiſe bought nothing but tongues. The King againe asked him the reaſon: from nothing (ſayd hee) commeth worſe venome then from the tongue, and ſuch tongues moſt women haue.
Romane hiſtories make mention of one of the chiefe Gouernours of Rome, that had a ſonne, whoſe name was Pairias, whoſe father tooke him with him to the Counſel-houſe, that thereby he might learne wiſedome; wiſhing him withall to keepe their ſecrets. His mother was diuers times asking of the Boy what they did at the Counſel-houſe, and what the cauſe was of their often meeting. On a time young Papirus fearing to diſpleaſe his Father, and hoping to ſatisfie his mother, told her this: Mother (ſayd he) there is hard hold amongſt them about making of a Law, that euery man ſhall haue two Wiues, or euery woman two husbands; and ſo farre as I can perceiue, it is likely to be concluded vpon, that every man ſhall have two wiues.
The next day when he and his father were gone to the Counſell-houſe, ſhe beſtirred her ſelfe, and got moſt of the chiefe women of the Cittie together, and told then what a law was like to be made, if it were not preuented: and ſo to the Counſell-houſe they went a great flocke of them. But when they came in, the Gouernours were all amazed, and asked the cauſe of their comming. And one of the women hauing leaue to ſpeake, ſayd thus: Whereas you are about to make a law, that euery man shall haue two wiues, conſider with your ſelues what vnquietneſſe and ſtrife thereby will ariſe but (ſaid ſhe) it were better that one woman might haue two husbands, that if the one were on buſineſſe abroad, the other might be at home. Now when the Gouernours heard this ſpeech, they maruelled whereupon it ſhould ariſe: then young Papirius requeſted that he might ſpeake, who preſently reſolued them the cauſe of the womens comming; ſo they greatly commended the Boy, and laughed the women to ſcorne.
Here thou maiſt perceiue by a taſte, what Wine is in the But: if the Dragons head be full of poyſon, what venome then (thinkeſt thou) lurketh in the taile? All this is but to tell thee of the doubts and dangers that come by marriage; yet I would not haue all to feare to lye in the graſſe, becauſe a Snake lyeth there; nor all men feare to goe to Sea, becauſe ſome men are drowned at Sea; neither doe I warne all men to feare to goe to their beds, becauſe many die in their beds: then marry a Gods name, but againe, and againe take heed to the choyce of thy wife.
Marry not for beauty without vertue, nor chuſe for riches without good conditions. Salomon amongſt many other notable ſentences fit for this purpoſe, ſaith, that a faire woman without diſcreet manners, is like a gold ring in a Swines ſnowt. And if thou marrieſt for wealth, then thy wife many times will caſt it in thy diſh, ſaying, that of a begger ſhee made thee a man. Againe, if thou marryeſt for beauty, and aboue chy calling, thou muſt not onely beare with thy wiues folly, but with many vnhappy words; for ſhe will ſay, ſhe was blinded in fancying thee: for ſhee might haue had Captaine ſuch a one, or this Gentleman, or that, ſo that thou ſhalt neuer neede to craue a foule word at her hand in ſeauen yeares, for thou ſhalt haue enough without asking; beſides I feare me thou wilt bee better headed then wedded, for ſhee will make thee weare an Oxe feather in thy Cap; yet hee which hath a faire wife, will aduenture on a thouſand infamies, onely in hope to keepe her in the ſtate of an honeſt woman: but if ſhe be ill-giuen, doe what thou canſt, breake thy heart, and bend thy ſtudy neuer ſo much, yet all will not ſerue; thou mayeſt let her goe all houres of the night, ſhe will neuer meet with a worſe then her ſelfe, except ſhe meet with the diuell himſelfe.
Therefore yet once more I aduiſe thee in the choyſe of thy wife, to haue a ſpeciall regard to her qualities and conditions, before thou ſhake hands, or iumpe a match with her: Alſo enquire and marke the life and conuerſation of her Parents, let the old Prouerbe put thee in minde hereof; that an euill Bird layeth an ill Eege, the Cat will after her kinde, an ill Tree cannot bring foorth good fruite, the young Cub groweth craftie like the Damme, the young Cocke croweth as the olde, and it is a verie rare matter to ſee Children tread out of the paths of their Parents. He that commeth into a Faire to buy an Horſe, will pry into euery part, to ſee whether he be found of winde and limbe, and without cracke or flaw, and whether his breeding were in a hard ſoyle, or whether he bee well paced, and likewiſe he will haue a care that his horſe ſhall haue all outward markes which betoken a good horſe, yet with all the cunning he hath he may bee deceiued; but if he proue a Iade, he may put him away at the next Faire.
But if in choyſe of thy wife thou be deceiued, as many men are, thou muſt ſtand to thy word, which thou madeſt before the whole Pariſh, which was, to take her for better for worſe, for there is no refuſing: ſhee will ſticke to thee as cloſe as a ſaddle to a horſe backe, and if ſhe be frowardly giuen, then ſhee will vexe thee night and day.
Among the quieteſt couples that are, yet houſhold iars will ariſe, but yet ſuch quarrels which happen in the day, are often qualified with kiſſes in the night; but if it be not ſo ended, their thrift will goe forward like the carriage which is drawne between two horſes, taile to taile, & if ſhe cannot reuenge her ſelfe with her tongue, nor with her hands, nor with conueying thy goods, yet ſhe will pay thee home priuately; for if thou ſtrike with thy ſword, ſhe will ſtrike with the ſcabbard. Chuſe not the rapier by his ringing, nor thy wife by her ſinging; for if thou doeſt, thou mayſt be very well deceiued in both, for thy rapier may proue a Iade, and thy wife bur little better.
Now, if thou ask mee how thou ſhouldeſt chuſe thy wife? I anſwere, that thou haſt the whole world to make choyſe, and yet thou mayeſt be deceiued. An ancient Father being asked by a yong man how he ſhould chuſe a wife, he anſwered him thus: When thou ſeeſt a flocke of Maidens together, hood-winke thy ſelfe faſt, and runne amongſt them, and looke which thou catcheſt, let her be thy wife. The yong man told him, that if hee went blind-folded he might be deceiued: and ſo thou mayeſt (quoth the old man) if thy eyes were open; for in the choyſe of thy wife, thou muſt not truſt thine owne eyes, for they will deceiue thee, and be the cauſe of thy woe: for ſhe may ſeeme good whoſe waſte is likea wand, or ſhe which hath a ſpider-fingered hand, or ſhe which on her tip-toes ſtill doth ſtand, and neuer reades but in a golden booke, nor will not be caught but with a golden hooke; or ſuch a one as can ſtroke a beard, or looke a head, and of euery Flea make her ſelfe afraide; if one had a ſpring, ſuch a wench would make him a begger, if he were halfe a king: then this is no bargaine for thee. But harke a little further: the beſt time for a yong man to marry, is at the age of twenty and fiue, and then to take a wife of the age of ſeuenteene yeeres, or thereabout, rather a Maide then a widdow; for a widdow is framed to the conditions of another man, and can hardly be altered, ſo that thy paines will be double: for thou muſt vnlearne a widdow, and make her forget and forgoe her former corrupt and diſordered behauiour, the which is hardly to be done: but a young woman of tender yeeres is flexible and bending, obedient and ſubiect to doe any thing, according to the will and pleaſure of her husband.
And if thy ſtate be good, marry neere home, and at leiſure; but if thy ſyate be weake and poore, then to better thy ſelfe, after inquiry made of her wealth and conditions, goe farre off, and diſpatch it quickely, for doubt of tailing ſpeeches, which commonly in theſe cafes runne betwixt party and party, and breake it off, euen then when it is come to the vp ſhot: but as I haue already ſayd, before thou put thy foote out of doores, make diligent inquiry of her behauiour; for by the Market-folke thou ſhalt heare how the marker goeth: for by inquiry thou ſhalt heare whether ſhe he wiſe, vertuous and kinde, wearing but her owne proper haire, and ſuch garments as her friends eſtate will affoord; or whether ſhe loue to keepe within the houſe, and to the ſeruants have a watchfull eye; or if ſhe haue a care when to ſpend, and when to ſpare, and to be content with what God doth ſend, or if ſhe can ſhed no kinde of vnfained teares; but when iuſt cauſe of heartie ſorrow is, and that in wealth and woe, in ſickeneſſe and in health, ſhe will be all alike: ſuch a wife will make thee a happy man in thy choyſe.
Although ſome happen on a diuelliſh and vnhappy woman, yet all men doe not ſo; and ſuch as happen ill, it is a warning to make them wiſe, if they make a ſecond choyſe, not that all other ſhall haue the like fortune: the Sunne ſhineth vpon the good and bad, and many a man happeneth ſooner on a ſhrew then a ſheepe. Some thriue by dicing, but not one in a hundred; therefore dicing is ill husbandry: ſome thriue by marriage, and yet many are vndone by marriage; for marriage is either the making or marring of many a man: and yet I will not ſay, but amongſt Duſt there are Pearles found, and in hard Rockes Diamonds of great value, and ſo amongſt many women there are ſome good, as that gracious and glorious Qaeene of all women kinde, the Virgin Mary, the mother of all bliſſe: what won her honour, but an humble minde, and her paines and lone vnto our Sauiour Chriſt?
Sara is commended for the earneſt loue that ſhee bare to her husband, not onely for calling him Lord, bur for many other qualities. Alſo Suſanna for her chaſtitie, and for creeping on her knees to pleaſe her husband: but there are meaner hiſtories which make mention of many others; as that of Demetryes, how that ſhe was content to runne Lackey by her husbands ſide.
Likewiſe Lucretia, for the loue and loyalty that ſhee bare to her husband, being vnkindely abuſed by an vnchaſte lecher againſt her will, ſhe preſently ſlew her ſelfe in the preſence of many, rather then ſhe would offer her body againe to her husband, being but once defiled.
It is recorded of an Earle called Gunzales, that vpon the Kings diſpleaſure was committed to priſon, and his wife hauing libertie to viſite him in priſon, on a time ſhe cauſed him to put off his apparell, and to put on hers, and ſo by that meanes got out by the Porter, and ſhe remained in priſon, and ſo by this meanes hee eſcaped the angry rage of his Prince, and afterwards his wife was deliuered alſo.
Likewiſe it was no ſmall loue that Artymenos bare to her husband; for after his death ſhee built ſuch a famous Sepulchre (and beſtowed the greateſt part or her wealth theron) in ſo much as at this day it is called one of the ſeauen great wonders of the world.
Alſo Pliny makes mention of a Fiſher-man which dwelt neere vnto the Sea-ſide, and he fell ſicke of an vncurable diſeaſe, by which meanes hee endured ſuch torment and paine, that it would haue grieued any creature to behold him; his carefull and louing wife laboured and trauelled farre and neere to procure his health againe, but at laſt ſeeing all meanes in vaine, ſhee brake out with him in theſe words: Death at one time or another will come, and therefore rather then you ſhould any longer endure this miſerable life, I am content that both of vs preuent death before he come: ſo this poore grieued man did yeeld to her counſell, and they went forth to the top of an exceeding high rocke, and there this woman bound her ſelfe faſt to her husband, and from thence caſting themſelues downe, ended their liues together.
Now I doe not commend this death to be godly, although it ſhewed great loue in the Woman. No doubt but the king of Ayra had a very kind and. louing Wife, as ſhall appeare, for when Alexander the Great had depriued him of the greateſt part of his Kingdome, yet he bore it out very patiently, with a valiant and manly courage, and without any ſhew of ontward griefe at all: but when newes was brought him that his Wife was dead, he then moſt grieuouſly brake into teares, and wept bitterly, and withall he ſaid, That the loſſe of his whole kingdome ſhould not haue grieued him ſo much, as the death of his Wife.
It is alſo recorded of Alexander, that at the death of his Wife, he made ſuch a ſorrowfull kind of ſpeech for her, ſaying, Death were kind if he tooke nothing but that which offendeth, but he hath taken her away which neuer offended. Oh Death, thou haſt bereaued me of the bester part of my life.
It is ſaid of Valerius Maximus, that he on a time finding two Serpents in his Bed-Chamber, being ſtrangely amazed thereat, he demanded of the South-ſayers, what it meaned, and they anſwered him, That of neceſitie he muſt kill one of them; and if he killed the Male, then he himſelfe muſt firſt dye: and if the Female, then his Wife ſhould dye before him: And becauſe he loued his Wife better then himſelfe, he moſt willingly made choyſe of the Male, and killed him firſt, and ſhortly after he dyed, leauing his Wife a Widow.
Such a kind Foole to his Wife was Adam, for he was forbidden on paine of death, not to eate of the tree of good and euill, yet for all that, Adam notwithſtanding to gratifie his wines kindneſſe, and for loue he bare her, refuſed not to hazard his life by breach of that commandement.
But becauſe in all things there is a contrary, which ſheweth the difference betwixt the good and the bad, euen ſo both of men and women there are contrary ſorts of behauiour: if in thy choyſe thou happen on a good wife, deſire not to change, for there is a prouerbe ſaith, Seldome commeth a better. And there is none poorer then thoſe that haue had many wiues. Thou maiſt beare a good affection towards thy wife, and yet not let her know it: thou mayeſt loue her well, and yet nor carry her on thy backe: a man may loue his houſe well, and yet not ride on the ridge. Loue thy wife, and ſpeake her faire; although thou doe but flatter her; for women loue to be accounted beautifull, and to be miſtreſſes of many maides, and to liue without controlement, and kinde words as much pleaſe a woman as any other thing whatſoeuer: and a mans chiefeſt deſire ſhould be firſt the grace of God, a quiet life, and an honeſt wife, a good report, and a friend in ſtore; and then what need a man to aske any more?
Saint Paul ſaith, thoſe that marry doe well, but hee alſo ſaith, thoſe which marry not doe better; but yet alſo he ſaith, that it is better to marry then to burne in luſt. A merry companion being asked by his friend, why hee did not marry, he made this anſwere, and ſayd; That hee had beene in Bedlam two or three times, and yet hee was neuer ſo mad to marry: and yet there is no ioy nor pleaſure in the world which may bee compared to marriage, ſo the parties are of neere equal yeeres, and of good qualities, then good fortune and bad is welcome to then, both their cares are equall, and their ioyes alike, come what will, all is welcome, and all is common betwixt them, the husband doth honour and reuerence her, and if he be rich, hee committeth all his goods to her keeping, and if he be poore, and in aduerſitie, then he beareth but the one halfe of the griefe; and furthermore, ſhe will comfort him with all the comfortable meanes ſhee can deuiſe, and if he will ſtay ſolitary in his houſe, ſhe will keepe him company, if he will walke into the fields, why ſhee will goe with him, and if he be abſent from home, ſhee ſigheth often, and wiſheth his preſence: being come home, hee findeth content, ſitting ſmiling in euery corner of his houſe, to giue him a kinde and a heartie welcome home, and ſhe receiueth him with the beſt and heartieſt ioy that ſhe can. Many are the ioyes and ſweet pleaſures in marriage, as in our children, being young, they play, prattle, laugh, and ſhew vs many pretty toyes to mooue vs to mirth and laughter, and when they are bigger growne, and that age and pouerty hath afflicted the Parents, then they ſhew the duty of children in relieuing their olde Parents with what they can ſhift for, and when their Parents are dead, they bring them to the earth, from whence they came.
Yet now conſider on the other ſide, when a wrinckled and toothleſſe woman ſhall take a beardleſſe boy (a ſhort tale to make of it) there can bee no liking nor louing betweene ſuch contraries, but continuall ſtrife and debate: ſo likewiſe, when matches are made by the Parents, and the dowry told and payd before the young couple haue any knowledge of it, and ſo many times are forced againſt their minds, fearing the rigour and diſpleaſure of their Parents, they often promiſe with their mouthes, that which they refuſe with their hearts.
Alſo, if a Man marry a Wife for faire lookes without dowry, then their loue will ſoone waxe cold, inſomuch that they vſe them not like Wiues, bur rather like kitchinſtuffe, whereas thoſe which marry rich Wiues, they haue alwaies ſomthing to be in loue with all. It is a common thing now a dayes, that faire Women without riches, find more Louers then Husbands.
Chuſe not a Wife too faire, nor too foule, nor too rich: for if ſhe be faire, euerie one will be catching at her, and if ſhee bee too foule, a Man will haue no minde to loue her, which no Man likes, and if too rich thou thinkeſt to marry with one which thou meaneſt to make thy companion, thou ſhalt find her a commanding Miſtreſſe, ſo that riches cauſeth a Woman to be proud, beauty makes her to be ſuſpected, and hard-fauour maketh her to be hated. Therefore chuſe a Wife young, well borne, and well brought vp, reaſonebly rich, and indifferent beautifull, and of a good wit and capacity: Alſo, in choyſe of a Wife, a Man ſhould note the honeſty of the Parents, for it is a likelyhood, that thoſe Children, which are vertuouſly brought vp, will follow the ſteps of their Parents; bur yet many a Tree is ſpoyled in the hewing: There are ſome which haue but one onely Daughter, and they are ſo blinded with the extreame loue they beare her, that they will not haue her hindred of her will, whatſoeuer ſhe deſireth, but ſuffer her to liue in all wanton pleaſure and delicacie, which afterwards turneth to bee the cauſe of many inconueniences.
Now, the father before he marry his daughter, is to ſift throughly the qualities, behauiour, and life of his Son-in-law, for he which meeteth with a ciuill & an honeſt Son-in-law, getteth a good Son, & he that meeteth with an ill one, caſteth away his Daughter.
The husband muſt prouide to ſatisfie the honeſt deſires of his wife, ſo that nether neceſsitie, nor ſuperfluitie be the occaſion to worke her diſhonour: for both want and plenty, both eaſe and diſeaſe, makes ſome Women oftentimes vnchaſte: And againe, many times, the Wife ſeeing the Husband take no care for her, maketh (belike) this reckoning, that no body elſe will care for her, or deſire her: But to conclude this poynt ſhe onely is to be accounted honeſt, who hauing libertie to doe amiſſe, yet doth it not.
Againe, a Man ſhould thus account of his Wife, as the onely treaſure he enioyeth vpon earth, and he muſt alſo account that there is nothing more due to the Wife, then the faithfull, honeſt, and louing companie of the Husband: He ought alſo in ſigne of loue, to impart his ſecrets, and counſell vnto his Wife; for many haue found much comfort and profit, by taking their Wiues counſell, and if thou impart any ill happe to thy Wife, ſhe lightneth thy griefe, either by comforting thee louingly, or elſe in bearing a part thereof patiently. Alſo if thou eſpy a fault in thy Wife, thou muſt not rebuke her angerly or reproachfully, but onely ſecretly betwixt you two, alwayes remembring, that thou muſt neither chide nor play with thy wife before company; thoſe that play and dally with them before company, they doe thereby ſet other Mens teeth on edge, and make their Wiues the leſſe ſhamefaſt.
It behooueth the married man alwayes to ſhew himſelfe in ſpeech and countenance both gentle and amiable; for if a woman of modeſt behauiour ſeeth any groſſe inciuillitie in her husband, ſhe doth not onely abhorre it, but alſo thinketh with her ſelfe, that other men are more diſcreet, and better brought vp: therefore it ſtandeth him vpon to bee ciuill and modeſt in his doings, leſt he offend the chaſte thoughts of his wife, to whoſe liking hee ought to confirme himſelfe in all honeſt and reaſonable things, and to take heede of euery thing which may diſlike her.
Why ſome women loue their Louers better then their Husbands; the reaſon is, the Louer in the preſence of his Lady is very curious of his behauiour, that hee vſeth no vnſeemely geſtures, whereby there may be no ſuſpition of iealouſie, or any exception bee taken by any thing hee doth: it behooueth euery woman to haue a great regard to her behauiour, and to keepe her ſelfe out of the fire, knowing, that a woman of ſuſpected chaſtitie liueth but in a miſerable caſe, for there is but ſmall difference by being naught, and being thought naught, and when ſhee heareth another woman ſpoken ill of, let her thinke in her minde what may bee ſpoken of her; for when a woman hath gotten an ill name, whether it bee deſeruedly or without cauſe, yet ſhe will haue much adoe to recouer againe the honour and credite thereof: let a woman auoyde ſo much as may bee the company of a woman which hath an ill name, for many of them endeauour by their euill faſhions and diſhoneſt ſpeech, to bring others to doe as they doe, and many of them wiſh in their hearts that all women were like vnto themſelues. It may be ſaid of many women, that the feathers are more woorth then the bird; therefore it behooueth euery woman to behaue her ſelfe ſo ſoberly and chaſtly in countenance and ſpeech, that no man may bee ſo bold as to aſſaile her: for commonly Caſtles, if they come once to parley, are at point to yeeld; therefore if woman by chance bee ſet vpon, let her make this anſwere, When I was a Maide, I was at the diſpoſition of my Parents, but now I am married, I am at the pleaſure of my husband, therefore you were beſt ſpeake to him, and to know his minde, what I ſhall doe; and if her husband bee out of the way, let her alwayes behaue her ſelfe as he were preſent.
Alſo a woman may conſider, if her husband bee cholericke and haſtie; ſhee muſt ouercome him with milde ſpceches, and if he chide ſhe muſt hold her peace: for the anſwere of a wiſe women is ſilence, and ſhee muſt ſtay to vtter her minde till hee bee appeaſed of his furie, and at quiet: for if women many times would holde their tongues, they might be at quiet. There was a very angry couple married together, and a friend being with them at ſupper, asked them how they could agree together, being both ſo froward and teſtie: the good man made him this anſwere, When I am angry, my wife beareth with me and when ſhe is angry, I beare with her: for with what heart can a man ſo much as touch a haire of his wiues head? (I meane rigorouſly) for the husband ought to rebuke her with kinde words ſecretly, and ſeeke to reforme her by good counſell: hee ought to lay before her the ſhame of ill doing, and the praiſe of well doing, if this will not ſerue, yet he ought rather patiently to forbeare her, then rigorouſly to beate her, for ſhee is fleſh of his ſlesh, and there is no Man ſo fooliſh to hurt his owne fleſh. A Man ought to be a comforter of his Wife, then ſurely he ought not to be a tormenter of her; for with what face can a Man imbrace that body which his hands haue battered and bruiſed? Or with what heart can a Woman loue that Man which can find in his heart to beat her?
Alſo, when a Man findeth a painfull & carefull woman, which knoweth when to ſpend, and when to ſpare, and to keepe the houſe in good order, then the Husband will not deny ſuch a Wife any neceſſarie thing belonging to the Houſe: but if ſhe be a light Huſwife, who liueth without doing any thing, without caring for Husband, children, or ſeruants, or any other belonging to the Houſe, thereby ſhewing, although her body be in the Houſe, yet her mind is abroad, which redowneth to her ſhame, and to her Huſbands great hinderance: for when the Miſtreſſe is occupied in vanitie, the Seruants are careleſſe for her profit, but looke to their owne: for while the Miſtreſſe playeth, the Mayden ſtrayeth.
But thoſe men are to be laughed at, who hauing a Wife, and a ſufficient Wife to doe all the worke within dores, which belongs to a Woman to doe, yet the Husband will ſet Hens abrood, ſeaſon the Pot, & dreſſe the Meat, or any the like worke, which belongeth not to the Man: ſuch huſbands many times offend their Wiues greatly, and they wrong themſelues, for if they were imployed abroad in matters belonging to Men, they would be the more deſirous being come home to take their eaſe, and not trouble their Wiues and Seruants in medling with their matters: For the rule and gouernement of the Houſe belongeth to the Wife.
And he that hath a wife of his owne, and goeth to another woman, is like a rich theefe, which will ſteale when he hath no neede.
Amongſt all the creatures that God hath created, there is none more ſubiect to miſery then a woman, eſpeciaily thoſe that are fruitfull to beare children: for they haue ſcarce a moneths reſt in a whole yeere, but are continually overcome with paine, ſorrow, and feare, as indeed the danger of childe-bearing muſt needes bee a great terrour to women, which are counted but weake veſſels in reſpect of men, and yet it is ſuppoſed that there is no diſeaſe that a man endureth, that is one halfe ſo grieuous or painefull as childe-bearing to a woman: Let it be tooth-ach, gowt, or chollicke; nay, if a man had all theſe at once, yet they were nothing comparable to a womans paine in her trauell with childe.
Now if thou like not my reaſons to expell loue, then thou mayeſt try Ouids art, who preſcribes a ſalue for ſuch a ſore; for hee counſels thoſe which feele this horrible heate, to coole their flames with hearbes which are cold of Nature, as Rew, Lettice, and other hearbes, too long to recite: alſo hee ſaith, thou ſhouldſt abſtaine from exceſſe of meate and drinke, for that prouokes the minde greatly to luſt; alſo to hunt, to hawke, to ſhoote, to bowle, to run, to wraſtle, and ſome other play, for this will keepe thy minde from thinking of luſt: alſo ſhun ſlouthfulneſſe and idleneſſe, for theſe are the onely nurſes of loue; eſchew melancholly or ſadneſſe, and keepe merry company, turne thy eyes from the place where bewitching ſpirits are, leſt the remembrance doe encreaſe and rubbe thy galled minde: alſo to eſchew the place where thou didſt firſt feele the fire that burneth thy minde with ſuch vnquiet thoughts. Likewiſe, ſaith he, beware thou doe not twiſe peruſe the ſecret flattering letters of thy ſuppoſed friendly ioy: for if thou doe not refuſe the often view thereof, it will much encreaſe thy griefe, dolour and annoy: vſe no talke of her whom thou loueſt, nor once name her: for that will encreaſe thy care; by thinking in thy minde, that thou beholdeſt her face: but ſome are perſwaded that no rules of reaſon can aſſwage this griefe; for loue is lawleſſe, and obeyes no law, no nor yet no counſell can perſwade, nor take effect, or ſubdue the affection of his bewitched ſpirits. Furthermore, Ouid perſwades other reaſons to expell the heate of loue, for where loue is ſetled, the louers are many times hindred of their purpoſe: ſometimes for want of friends conſent, or diſtance of place; then and in ſuch a caſe, his counſell is to loue two or three, for loue being ſo diuided, makes the loue of one the leſſe thought vpon: or elſe, ſaith he, ſatisfie thy luſt vpon ſome other dame, for it will alſo helpe to weare the former loue out of thy minde. Loe, thus Ouid ſhot, but yet he miſt the marke, not for want of learning, but for want of grace, for grace ſubdues and treads all vices vnder foot, although mortall meanes doth preſcribe diuers other dyets to waſte the heate of loues deſire, as long abſence from the place where thy liking liues, for the coals of comfort doth kindle and heate the heart, that with abſence would be voyde of harme; for abſence doth qualifie that fire, and coole the mindes of thoſe which many times the company of wantons doth warme: for he which doth not ſhun the place where Venus in her glory ſits, hath no care of himſelfe, but ſuffers her to ſurprize his wits.
The Bear-baiting, or the vanitie of Widdowes:
chooſe you whether.
Woe bee vnto that vnfortunate man that matcheth himſelfe vnto a Widdow; for a Widdow will bee the cauſe of a thouſand woes: yet there are many that doe wiſh themſelues no worſe matched then to a rich widdow; but thou doeſt not know what griefes thou ioyneſt with the gaines; for if ſhe be rich, ſhe will looke to gouerne; and if ſhe be poore, then art thou plagued both with beggery and bondage: againe, thy paines will be double, in regard of him which marryeth with a Maide; for thou muſt vnlearne thy widdow, and make her forget her former corrupt and diſordered behauiour, the which if thou take vpon thee to doe, thou hadſt euen as good vndertake to waſh a Blackamore white; for commonly widdowes are ſo froward, ſo waſpiſh, and ſo ſtubborne, that thou canſt not wreſt them from the wils, and if thou thinke to make her good by ſtripes, thou muſt beate her to death. One hauing marryed with a froward widdow, ſhee called him theefe, and many other vnhappy names; ſo he tooke her, and cut the tongue out of her head; but ſhee euer afterwards would make the ſigne of the Gallowes with her fingers to him.
It is ſeldome or neuer ſeene, that a man marryeth with a widdow for her beauty, nor for her perſonage, but onely for her wealth and riches; and if ſhe be rich and beautifull withal, then thou matcheſt thy ſelfe to a ſhe Diuell: for ſhe will goe like a Peacocke, and thou like a Woodcocke; for ſhee will hide her money to maintaine her pride: and if thou at any time art deſirous to bee merry in her company, ſhe will ſay thou art merry, becauſe thou haſt gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee, where before thou waſt a begger; and hadſt nothing: and if thou ſhew thy ſelfe ſad, ſhe will ſay, thou art ſad becauſe thou canſt not bury her, thereby to enioy that which ſhee hath: if thou make prouiſion to fare well in thy houſe, ſhee will bid thee ſpend that which thou broughteſt thy ſelfe.
If thou ſhew thy ſelfe ſparing, ſhee will ſay thou ſhalt not pinch her of that which is her owne; and if thou doe any thing contrary to her minde, ſhee will ſay, her other husband was more kinde: if thou chance to dine from home, ſhee will bid thee goe ſup with thy harlots abroad: if thou goe abroad and ſpend any thing before thou commeſt home, ſhe will ſay, a begger I found thee, and a begger thou meaneſt to leaue mee: if thou ſtay alwayes at home, ſhe will ſay thou art happy that haſt gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee idle: if thou carue her the beſt morſell on the table, though ſhee take it, yet ſhe will take it ſcornefully, and ſay, ſhe had a husband that would let her cut where ſhe liked her ſelfe.
And if thou come in well-diſpoſed, thinking to be merry, and intreating her with faire words, ſhee will call thee diſſembling hypocrite, ſaying, thou ſpeakeſt me faire with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy minions abroad. Loe theſe are the franticke trickes of froward widdowes, they are neither well full nor faſting, they will neither goe to Church nor ſtay at home, I meane in regard of their impatient mindes: for a man ſhall neuer bee quiet in her ſight, nor out of her ſight: for if thou be in her ſight, ſhee will vexe thee as before ſaid; and out of her ſight thy owne conſcience will torment and trouble thy minde to thinke on the Purgatory which perforce thou muſt endure, when thou commeſt home.
Shee will make Clubs trumpe when thou haſt neuer a blacke Card in thy hand, for with her cruell tongue ſhee will ring thee ſuch a peale, that one would thinke the Diuell were come from Hell: beſides this, thou ſhalt haue a brended ſlut, like a Hell-hagge, with a paire of paps like a paire of dung-pots, ſhall bring in thy dinner, for thy widdow will not truſt thee with a wench that is handſome in thy houſe: now if that vpon iuſt occaſion thou throweſt the platters at thy Maides head, ſeeing thy meat brought in by ſuch a ſlut, and ſo ſluttiſhly dreſt; then will thy widdow take Pepper in the Noſe, and ſtampe and ſtare, and looke ſo ſowre, as if ſhee had come but euen then from eating of Crabs, ſaying; If thou hadſt not married with mee, thou wouldeſt haue beene glad of the worſt morſell that is here: then thou againe replying, ſayeſt; If I had not beene ſo mad, the Diuell himſelfe would not haue had thee; and then without cauſe thou blameſt her of old age, and of iealouſie, and for hiding her money, and for conueying away her goods which thou haſt bought with the diſpleaſure of thy friends, and diſcredit to thy ſelfe, in regard of her yeares; then againe, ſhee on the other ſide runneth out to her neighbours, and there ſhee thundreth out a thouſand iniuries that thou doeſt her; ſaying, my Corne he ſendeth to the Market, and my Cattell to the Fayre; and looke what he openly findeth, hee taketh by force, and what I hide ſecretly, he priuily ſtealeth it away, and playeth away all my money at Dice. Loe thus he conſumeth my ſubſtance, and yet hateth my perſon: no longer then I feede him with money, can I enioy his company, now he heath that he ſought for, hee giueth me nothing elſe but froward anſwers, and foule vſage, and yet, God knowes, of pure loue I marryed him with nothing, but now his ill husbandry is like to bring to ruine both me and my children: but now all this while ſhee doth not forget to tell of her owne good huſwifry, ſaying, I ſit working all day at my needle, or at my diſtaffe, and he like an vnthrift, and a whore monger, runneth at random: thus they are alwayes ſtretching their debate vpon the racke of vengeance.
Loe here is a life, but it is as weariſome as hell: for if they kiſſe in the morning, being friends, yet ere noone ready to throw the houſe out at a window. The Papiſts affirme, that Heauen is wonne by Purgatory, but in my minde a man ſhall neuer come into a worſe Purgatorie, then to bee matched with a froward Widdow. Hee that matcheth himſelfe to a Widdow and three children, matcheth himſelfe to foure theeues. One hauing married with a Widdow, it was his lucke to bury her, but not before he was ſore vexed with her, for afterwards hee lying on his death-bed, his friends exhorted him to pray vnto God that his ſoule might reſt in heauen: and hee asked them this queſtion, whither (ſayd hee) doe you thinke my wife is gone? and they ſayd vnto him, no doubt but that your wife is gone to heauen before you: he replyed, I care not whither I goe, ſo I goe not where my wife is, for feare I meete with her, and bee vexed with her as I haue beene heretofore.
Another hauing married with a Widdow, being one day at a Sermon, heard the Preacher ſay, whoſoeuer will bee ſaued, let him take vp his croſſe and follow mee; this mad fellow after Sermon was ended, tooke his wife vpon his backe, and came to the Preacher, and ſaid, here is my croſſe, I am ready to follow thee whither thou wilt.
Another hauing marryed with a widdow, which ſhewed her ſelfe like a Saint abroade, but a Diuell at home; a friend of her husbands told him, that hee had gotten him a good, ſtill, and quiet wife: yea marry quoth the married man, you ſee my ſhooe is faire and new, but yet you know not where it pincheth me.
Another merry companion hauing marryed with a widdow, and carrying her ouer the Sea into France, there ſodainely aroſe a great ſtorme, in ſo much that they were all in danger of drowning; the Maſter of the ſhip called vnto the Marriners, and bad them take and throw ouerboard all the heauieſt goods in the ſhip; this married man hearing him ſay ſo, he tooke his Widdow, and threw her ouer-board: and being asked the reaſon why he did ſo, hee ſayd, that he neuer felt any thing in all his life that was ſo heauy to him as ſhe had beene.
Another hauing married with a widdow, and within a while after they were marryed, ſhee went out into the garden, and there finding her husbands ſhirt hang cloſe on the hedge by her maides ſmocke, ſhee went preſently and hanged her ſelfe vpon a iealous conceit that ſhe tooke, and a merry fellow asking the cauſe why ſhe hanged her ſelfe, and being told that it was for iealouſie: I would ſayd he, that all trees did heare ſuch fruit.
Thou maiſt thinke that I haue ſpoken enough concerning widdowes; but the further I runne after them, the further I am from them; for they are the ſumme of the ſeauen deadly ſinnes, the Fiends of Sathan, and the gates of Hell. Now me thinketh I heare ſome ſay vnto me, that I ſhould haue told them this leſſon ſooner, for too late commeth medicine when the patient is dead; euen ſo too late commeth counſell, when it is paſt remedy, but it is better late then neuer, for it may be a warning to make others wiſe.
But why doe I make ſo long harueſt of ſo little Corne? ſeeing the Corne is bad, my harueſt ſhall ceaſe, for ſo long as women doe ill, they muſt not thinke to be well ſpoken of, if you would be well reported of, or kept like the Roſe when it hath loſt the colour, then you ſhould ſmell ſweet in the bud, as the Roſe doth, or if you would be taſted for olde wine, you ſhould be ſweet at the firſt, like a pleaſant Grape, then ſhould you be cheriſhed for your courteſie, and comforted for your honeſty, ſo ſhould you be preſerued like the ſweet Roſe, and eſteemed of as pleaſant Wine. But to what purpoſe do I go about to inſtruct you, knowing that ſuch as counſell the Diuell, can neuer amend him of his euill.
And ſo praying thoſe which haue already made their choyſe, and ſeene the trouble, & felt the torments that are with Women, to take it merrily, and to eſteeme of this Booke only, as the toyes of an idle head.
Nor I would not haue Women mumure againſt me for that I haue not written more bitterly againſt Men, for it is a very hard Winter when one Wolfe eateth another, and it is alſo an ill Bird that defileth her own neſt, and a moſt vnkind part of one Man to ſpeake ill of another.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
Public domainPublic domainfalsefalse