The Family Album/Why Do People Sing in Rowboats? Maybe Aunt Ella Knows but Won't Tell

by Arthur Baer

Layout 2

WHY DO PEOPLE SING IN ROWBOATS?
MAYBE AUNT ELLA KNOWS BUT
WON'T TELL

THAT'S Aunt Ella when she went to Lake Hopatcong on her vacation with Uncle Ed. Uncle said that if America ever went dry he would be a man without a country.

Uncle was very historical and loved to read how the United States got started. It seems that Christopher Columbus discovered America by getting some jewelry from women, and uncle used to say that it must be so, because us men have been giving it back to them ever since.

Then everybody got tired of being independent and signed the Declaration because there was a tax on tea. They went on a boat and threw tea overboard, and uncle said if he had been on a boat he would have thrown the tea overboard and also the rest of the meal.

Tea was the only thing that was taxed then, but now they tax everything. Uncle said that if you wanted to drink something else, you had to step off the wharf onto a U.S. Shipping Board boat. He said that it didn't make any difference whether he stepped off the wharf to get a drink or whether he drank first and stepped off the wharf afterward.

Uncle claims the school children aren't getting their history right in nowadays schools. It doesn't make 'em patriotic. They take their history like ice cream sodas when it used to be all sulphur and molasses. He said look at John D. Rockefeller. He's a great philanthropist, ain't he? He gives away money to little babies. What does that D. stand for? It stands for Dime. Yessir, Uncle would say, John Dime Rockefeller. He gives so many of them away I think he must be trying to make 'em popular.

History is changing. Uncle said it was a great war when the North fought the South, but wait until the East fights the West. Never thought about that, did you? With California boasting about its climate and Florida claiming the biggest grapefruit, there is bound to be hostility break out into totally unexpected places.

Ohio is a great State for hog raising, although they have stopped that and are going for Presidents, because the people feed the Presidents and corn costs a lot of money.

So you can see that was is coming between the East and West because St. Looey is sore at the New York Giants and Long Island is trying to outshoot Hollywood and competition is what makes trouble.

Auntie would say were're on a vacation now at Lake Hopatcong and let's hire a bout of Will Morrisey and go over to see the Latzes. Uncle would brighten up and ask Morrisey what he wanted for a canoe. Morrisey would tell him about two dollars for about an hour.

Uncle would holler what in the name of something insulting is about stuff. About this? And about what? Do you figure that ten cents is about two dollars?

Morrisey would say all right, ten cents is about two dollars and ten seconds is about an hour.

Uncle would get mad and say that he hated these about guys and he didn't like 'em about. Morrisey would tell him that if he didn't like it he could lump it. So Uncle would ask a lump of what and Morrisey would say a lump of cheese. Then Uncle would tell him something sudden and quick and ask him what he charged for drowning by the hour. Morrisey would say about two dollars, and Uncle would tell him to take three hour's worth and charge it to him.

One word would lead to another, because I never saw people who went on a vacation that enjoyed themselves, because most folks travel so they can criticize other folks' cooking and table manner. They get all starched up for dinner, and the women folks change their dresses fifty times a day, even if they have only got two dresses.

Lake Hopatcong is a fine place to send postal cards from, but everybody steals the hotel letter paper and envelopes. Eddie Miller would come along in his boat that has engine trouble instead of oars and invite Uncle and Aunt Ella for an excursion wreck up the lake.

Around twilight, when Uncle's nose was throwing long shadows across the lake, they would all start to sing. I don't know what makes people sing in rowboats, but they all do, even if they can't. Uncle had a nice parlor voice for hollering out into the kitchen for some hot water for his bunion. He wasn't much on rowboat opera, though, and Aunt Ella's ears would get very much annoyed. Still they had some pretty good time on the lakes, and if folks would sing in canoes I guess it would be a pretty good plan to give everybody a rowboat for a wedding present.

Good-by. Don't forget to write.