The Prince Who Learned Everything Out of Books/Act 2, Scene 1
Ogre. Hello! What is this? Is there nobody here? Do we never eat in this house? Gods!… You gadding women!
Beauty. Don't call out; here I am.
The Beauty and Tony enter.
Ogre. Who is this fellow?
Tony. Your humble servant. [Aside] I don't like him. That enormous paunch doesn't make me feel comfortable; it's a bad sign. He's an ogre.
Beauty. He is a traveller who has lost his way at the entrance to the Dark Wood. There were two others with him, but surely they were mad, as they stayed behind by the roadside. This fellow told me that he was dying with hunger and fatigue, and I invited him to our house.
Ogre. Hum! I don't like these gentry who go about losing themselves on the roads. By your looks, you must be one of those jabbering jugglers who sing and dance at the country crossways so as to wheedle blockheads out of their pennies.
Tony. I am something better than that; I am the attendant of the Blue Prince.
Ogre. His fool, you mean. A miserable position!
Beauty. And was that the Prince who was with you—that unfortunate young man who ran off into the wood? Poor boy! What can have become of him?
Tony. By this time he has met the good fairy.
Beauty. Yes—among those cutthroats. Poor fellow!
Ogre. Well, well! Enough of this! Bring on the dinner, and send this brazen-faced rascal out into the stable, and you can feed him the leavings there, if there are any.
Beauty. Don't be so mean. Let him eat and drink here at his leisure. He will amuse us with his jokes and his songs.
Ogre. Such things never amuse me. But sit down where you like and wait till we have finished dinner. Bring it in.
Tony. [Aside] Oh! What torture! To watch them eat and yet not taste one mouthful! I'd rather the Ogre had begun by eating me first. I can't have struck him as very appetizing. [Aloud] Sir… sir… Haven't you thought of me? My flesh is of the very best quality. My breast is tender, and my arms are like pigeon-wings…
Ogre. What do I care? In the name of thunder! Are you mad or drunk?
Tony. [Aside] It's no use, he doesn't care for me. He only likes tender little children. To tell the truth, with a table like this every day… [The dinner is carried in.] [Aloud] Ah! How good it smells! That roast pig will be the death of me…
Ogre. It smells good, doesn't it? I will leave you a bone. [They eat.
Beauty. [Aside] Poor fellow! I must slip him something on the sly.
Tony. [Aside] Thanks, lovely lady. You save my life. Ah! Delicious!
Ogre. Well! Where are your spirits? Is this all you can do? Tell me some joke.
Tony. Ah!… [Choking.
Ogre. What's the matter?
Tony. Nothing, nothing.
Ogre. Are you swallowing?
Tony. No, no. A mistake. [Aside to the Beauty] A glass of water, for heaven's sake! I am choking.
Beauty. Don't be so cruel. Let him at least have a drink.
Ogre. Yes. Let him have a drink.
Beauty. Here.
Tony. To the health of such a noble gentleman. Ah!… The wine is good. Good wine!
Ogre. Of my own vintage.
Tony. Now I understand that you are a happy man.
Ogre. Go up to those windows there. Cast your eye upon that distant mountain; well, as far as that all this country belongs to me. Behind the mountain, there lie other lands, until you come to a river; well, as far as that, all this country belongs to me. Beyond the river there are as many other lands, which stretch down as far as the sea; well, as far as the sea, all this country belongs to me.
Tony. But not the sea? What a pity!
Ogre. The sea wouldn't be of any use to me. The sea is for fishes and sailors, adventurous folk. I am a practical man.
Tony. So I see.
Ogre. I live here happier than a king.
Tony. It may be… I never saw a king eat with such an appetite.
Ogre. Well, then, this is nothing more than lunch. At noon to-day I dined on a roast calf. And for supper… Ah! For supper I have reserved the choicest morsel.
Tony. [Aside] Uy! Now he is looking at me. He has made up his mind to reserve me for supper. [Aloud] But you don't know how tired I am—after my journey—walking so far. I am not fit, not presentable…
Beauty. We will fix you up.
Tony. [Aside] Uy! She is going to put me in a stew. I knew she must be the cook. [Aloud] Have you finished?
The Beauty rises and goes out.
Ogre. Yes, man, yes. Do you feel hungry?
Tony. A little. I didn't dine on a roast calf.
Ogre. Sit down then and eat. I am not a niggard. You can fill yourself at your pleasure. Cram, man, cram!… But don't give yourself a pain.
Tony. [Aside] Uy! What good care he takes of me!
Ogre. Drink, man, drink. Laugh! Laugh! I am not a surly fellow, I am not one of the sort to eat people up, as before you seemed to think.
Tony. No, no…
Ogre. When I am hungry, I am in bad humor; but when I have had my dinner, I am the jolliest chap in the world. Drink, man, drink.
Tony. [Aside] Yes. He wants to get me drunk, so as to throw me in the pot without my knowing it. [Aloud] No, no, thank you. [Aside] Uy! This wine! It goes straight to the head. They are going to cook me without my knowing it! [Aloud] Though perhaps I am not the one to ask, what do you intend to do with me? Stuff me with potatoes?
Ogre. Ha? Potatoes? The feed of the poor! We are going to stuff you with truffles.
Tony. [Aside] Like a turkey. [Aloud] Aren't you afraid you will have indigestion?
Ogre. I have never had indigestion.
Tony. [Aside] If I can give it to him, then…
Ogre. [Singing]
Life is but joy…"
Tony. What a sweet voice!
Ogre. Do you think so? Really?
Tony. [Aside] I had better flatter him.
Ogre.
Tony. [Aside] I think it has gone to his head. If he should get drunk, and I could escape… [Aloud] I should say you were in a jolly humor. At first I didn't think so…
Ogre. Before eating I am always ill-natured.
Tony. Drink! Drink!
Ogre. And you, too.
Tony. [Aside] Ah! I think I'll be under the table first…
Ogre.
Life is but joy!
Hear the glasses clinking;
Bring the pie, boy!
Cut! Cut!
Munch! Munch!
Bring the pie, boy!"
Tony. Jolly song, isn't it?
Ogre. It seems to me that you are the one who is jolly. That's the way I like you.
Tony. [Aside] He likes me with wine.
Ogre. Come! Come! Tell me something funny, fool.
Tony. Is this any time to be funny? I had much rather cry. Ah! What can have happened to my master? No doubt the same as to me. Poor Prince! Poor Prince!
Ogre. Don't cry. No!
Tony. [Aside] Poor me! Ah! An idea!… [Aloud] Ay! Ay!
Ogre. What's the matter with you?
Tony. I am poisoned! Ah!… I am poisoned! This wine is poisoned! Something is biting me inside like a dog… Ah! Mad dog! Mad dog!… Bark! He bites… I am poisoned!
Ogre. You are drunk.
Tony. You can't eat me now; I would kill you. Poison… Oh! Oh!
Ogre. Indigestion… Poor fellow! I have never had indigestion.
Ah!… [Falls asleep.
Tony. He has fallen asleep… I am saved! The Ogress seems to be a good woman, and she will help me escape. How he snores!… Which way can I get out?… I had better take some provisions first… Aha! Aha! This ought to be enough to last me for the journey…
The Beauty re-enters.
Beauty. Where are you going?
Tony. Oh!… She has surprised me. He has gone to sleep, and so as not to disturb him, I thought perhaps I'd better eat outside…
Beauty. Gone to sleep? Yes. There you are! One day this way and another day that… Pretty soon he will wake in a humor to eat us all up.
Tony. He will, will he? But before he wakes…
Beauty. I will see if I can get him to bed. Hello! Come on up-stairs…
Ogre. Eh?
Beauty. Come. Help me hold him up.
Tony. No, no, thank you. He might come to and give me the first bite.
Beauty. Mercy! What a husband! What a husband!
Prince. [Outside] Hello there! In the house! Is nobody there, I say?
Tony. What do I hear? My master! The Prince! Then nothing has happened to him!
Prince. Let me in! Open! Hello in the house!
Beauty. Coming… I am coming. Hold him up while I am gone. Do me the favor… [The Beauty goes out.
Tony. I ought to prevent the Prince from coming in. When the Ogre sees how young he is—and how tender! Uy! Who would have thought that he weighed so much? No wonder, with a calf and a pig inside together, not counting the vegetables… [Seeing the Prince enter, he runs to meet him, letting the Ogre fall] Master! Master!… Cataplum! The tower falls down!
The Beauty, the Prince, the Old Woman, and the Tutor enter.
Beauty. What have you done? You have dropped my husband!
Prince. Oh, my good Tony!
The Beauty leads the Ogre out.
Tony. Master! Master! Tell me what has happened to you. How did you come out of your adventure? Did that thorny path lead to some enchanted palace? Is this the good fairy who has taken you under her wing?
Prince. I don't know, Tony. I only know that we escaped by a miracle from some highwaymen who wanted to kill me. I know that I owe my life to this good woman. While we were running through the wood, the robbers saw us afar off and ran after us. This poor old woman could go no faster and I had to take her up in my arms. I ran in among the brambles and the steep rocks, with those ruffians always behind at our heels. When we came to a stubble-field, what should they take it into their heads to do, but to set fire to it, and since the wind was blowing toward us, we soon saw ourselves borne down upon by a rolling sea of flame, which advanced with a roar in a terrible wave…
Old Woman. I shall never get over the fright!
Tony. But how did you escape?
Prince. I don't know. But I tell you we had to fly!
Old Woman. Fly? No! But you ran fast in spite of your load. You are strong and brave.
Tony. So there were no palaces, no princesses nor fairies after all? I told you so. That road could lead nowhere that was good. And you. Master Tutor, what happened to you?
Tutor. I have been busy all this time with my books. It was not possible that the map could have been wrong. In fact, the error was mine. In examining it, I jumped from one line to another, and, as you see, what was an inch on the map, was seven leagues by the road!
Tony. The truth in books, as in life, always lies between the lines.
Tutor. While the Prince was returning from his perilous excursion, I was asleep. So they waked me as they passed, and this old woman brought us to this house, where, as she says, there is plenty to eat.
Tony. Yes, there is; they eat frequently. But, alas! What is the use of heaping up riches? Don't you know? This is the Castle of the Ogre. I am promised him for supper to-night; you will have to wait and be dished for breakfast in the morning.
Old Woman. What on earth are you talking about?
Prince. Ah! Then this is the decisive trial. This is the Ogre who has the Princess in his power! Must I vanquish him, too, in order to disenchant him and arrive victorious at her side? Then let him come quickly, and I, alone with my sword
Tutor. My lord, is it quite honorable to draw your sword against a gentleman who has opened the doors of his house so hospitably? I tell you that all this about ogres is pure nonsense, fable. There are, of course there are anthropophagi—that is to say, men who eat other men—from anthropos, man, and phagein, to eat; but that is only in savage regions, not in civilized countries like ours.
Prince. What do you know about it anyhow? My books tell me the truth. Isn't it true, my good fairy? Are we not in the Castle of the Ogre?
Old Woman. I don't know anything about ogres.
Tony. You can tell by his looks that he must have eaten a great deal. If you could only see his paunch! It is the men and women and children he has swallowed whole.
Old Woman. He hasn't done that, no, but he has swallowed houses and whole villages—yes, he has! You saw when you came in how all the neighborhood around is poor, and how only the lands and house of this man are rich? He has ruined all—buying here, lending there, crushing this one, deceiving that one, grinding down all beneath his treachery and greed. I myself was one of his victims. It is through him that you see me as I am.
Prince. What? Is he guilty of your enchantment? Then his destruction shall not be delayed. Sally forth, Mr. Ogre! Sally forth and roar, for the Blue Prince awaits you!
Tutor. Be careful!
Tony. He will eat us all up.
Tutor. I tell you that these modern ogres are not like those in the stories.
Prince. You need not tell me. I will not hear you. I will not listen! This is where my adventure shall end. Here is my goal! Stand back!… Protect me, my good fairy! [The Prince runs out, his sword drawn.
Old Woman. Hold him back! The Wretch will kill him!
Tutor. What do you mean by not protecting your master?
Tony. What do you mean?
Tutor. This impresses me all very much like a dream.
Old Woman. Listen! Run quickly! They are killing him!
The Prince re-enters, running, but without his sword, followed by the Ogre with a club and the Beauty with a broom.
Prince. Ah! They have vanquished me!
Ogre. Rogue! Traitor! You have attacked me in my own house!
Beauty. He tried to kill my husband. Out!… Villains!
Old Woman. Stop!
Tutor. He is my master.
Tony. Remember he is the Prince…
Ogre. I shall kill him!
Old Woman. Can't you see that the poor boy is mad? Have pity!
Prince. My good fairy, my sword broke. It was witchcraft. They have beaten me with clubs.
Tony. And with brooms!
Beauty. Well, the snip has been taught a lesson.
Ogre. Go! Leave my house immediately. And thank God that you leave it alive!
Tony. Ah! Not so bad, after all.
Prince. My kind fairy, where now is your power? Why don't you save me now, as you did before?
Old Woman. You are saving your life. What more do you ask? Don't delay another moment in making your escape from this accursed house!
Ogre. What is it the old woman says?
Old Woman. Yes! Accursed! Accursed!
Ogre. By my soul!
Beauty. Let them go. Go! Go quickly!
Prince. Yes, we shall go! But we shall return, if it is necessary, with all the armies of the King, my father! I shall come again to chastise and humiliate you, and to avenge all your victims.
Old Woman. That would not be so bad either.
Ogre. Poor infant! Take him to his parents, or he will come to some bad end, falling out of his cradle.
Tony. Don't infuriate him any further. Let us go!
Prince. Alas! I cannot do any more, and my back pains me.
Tutor. Where are we going next?
Old Woman. Come with me. I will lead you to a place where we shall be more hospitably received, and be more fortunate.
Prince. I knew that the road would be long and hard; but never mind… I was so sure that it was the road to happiness!… Lead us where you will.