Soft Soap
When Doctor Yrekcauq had finished his lecture, the company prepared to depart, and Flin was allowed to descend from the table. He was by no means sorry for this, as he was cramped and stiff. When the company had all gone, a servant informed Flin that Ytidrusba wished to see him, and, following the man, he led him to the magician's apartment.
"Well what do you think of Doctor Yrekcauq?" asked Ytidrusba, as Flin entered.
"What do I think of him? Why, very little. I think he is an old --- "Flin was about to use a word that would have been decidedly wrong, but he checked himself in time. "Well, that is, I mean to say," he continued, "that the old gentleman is lacking in courtesy. In fact, he does not know the simplest law of etiquette."
The magician smiled, and wagged his tail. Flin had thus early discovered --- for it must be remembered that he was a close observer --- that this wagging of the tail indicated delight on the part of the owner.
"Pray be seated, pray be seated," said Ytidrusba, pointing to a seat. "Your expressions, perhaps, are a little strong for such a united and peaceful community, but it is just possible they are not altogether undeserved. You see Dr Yrekcauq has made enemies --- ahem, that is, I mean to say --- I pray you will not misunderstand me --- that he had not been quite as agreeable as he might have been."
"Ah, just so," answered Flin, not a little amused at Ytidrusba's confusion, for our traveller saw in a moment that the artful old fellow thoroughly hated the Doctor, but he was afraid to say so. "Ah, just so," Flin repeated; "but to be candid, Mr. --- , pardon me, your name is such a funny one that I have really forgotten it again."
"Ytidrusba."
"Ah, thank you. Well, now, Mr. Ytidrusba, I may as well speak my mind, as I hate beating about the bush, and not to put too fine a point on it I believe the Doctor to be a perfect humbug."
"Dear me, how very strange," answered the magician "that is rather strong language for our happy city, where everything is as clear as daylight. But I fear you will feel a draught" --- here Ytidrusba crossed the room and closed the door, and returning to his seat resumed the conversation. "Anything like jealousy, personal abuse, or ill-feeling are not tolerated here amongst the upper classes, but in the best of society there is sure to be some black member, and I will admit to you that I too consider the Doctor to be a humbug."
"Do you indeed?"
"Yes, a consummate humbug. I have a decided objection to backbiting, and though I am aware that jealousy exists to an alarming extent in the awful regions from whence you have come, I can assure you with pride that we are free from anything of the kind here. But though I hate and detest jealousy I love the truth. We are very truthful here, very truthful indeed. Now, in your regions, they are all false."
"I must really correct you there, sir. You labour under a very wrong impression."
"Pray do not interrupt me, Mr. Flip Flap --- "
"I beg your pardon, Flin Flon is my name."
"Ah, Flin Flon. Well, sir, I repeat that falsehood is one of the punishments of the infernal regions, but we know nothing of the kind here. Truth, truth is our guiding principle. But, as I before observed, black members will creep into the most carefully guarded communities, and I have reason to believe that the Doctor is such a person as you have mentioned."
"Pray speak out," Flin remarked, for he saw that the cunning old man had something on his mind that he was anxious to ease himself of. "Well, the fact is," answered the other, "I do not altogether like the Doctor."
"Oh, oh," thought Flin, "some rivalry, I suppose."
"I do not consider that he is a proper person to hold the position he now occupies."
"May I ask what position that is?"
"Yes. He is Physician-in-General and Professor of Philosophy to his Majesty. But in my opinion he is a sham. His knowledge is exceedingly shallow. But what he is deficient in in this respect he makes up for in cool assurance and consummate impudence. I have spent the best years of my life at the Court in trying to teach my theory of spiritualism, which is truth. But I have always been counteracted and opposed by the Doctor, who preaches his abominable doctrine of materialism. He has influenced the King greatly against me, and though Yrekcauq speaks of me as his dear and valued friend, I firmly believe nothing would give him so much pleasure as to see my remains committed to the cinerary urn."
"Bless me, how very odd!" observed Flin thoughtfully, as he remembered that he himself had had to counteract much jealousy and rivalry in his own country. He could not forget the time when, as a humble grocer, he had first turned his attention to science, he had been opposed on all sides by shallow-brained people. And though he did not altogether hold with Ytidrusba's principles, he certainly sympathised with him, as he had taken quite a dislike to the Doctor.
"You must understand," Ytidrusba continued, "that Dr Yrekcauq is a person who has no thought for anyone else. He is thoroughly selfish. And by unscrupulous dealing he has managed to gain considerable influence over the King. As a result I have suffered. I had at one time nearly succeeded in converting his Majesty, but Yrekcauq, by very much cunning diplomacy, undid the good I had done, and I am grieved to have to say that his Majesty still remains in a state of darkness."
"Ah, very shocking indeed, very shocking," said Flin, with the air of one who thoroughly felt what he was saying. "I am inclined to think you are a much injured man, Mr. Ytidrusba."
"I must give you credit for keenness of perception," answered the magician, "though you are, unfortunately, a dweller in the infernal regions. I should say you represent a very high order of intelligence."
Flin bowed.
"Entertaining this view, I shall be happy to do what I can for you."
Flin smiled inwardly, though at the same time he felt annoyed with the old fellow's patronising manner.
"You are exceedingly kind," he observed, as he bowed low, "and your extreme condescension merits my eternal gratitude. I may be permitted to say that I think that the dwellers in this favoured city of Esnesnon, where all is peace and love, and where backbiting and jealousy are unknown, ought to be very proud of you."
"Thank you, thank you for your good opinion," cried Ytidrusba, a little excitedly. "You are a most excellent person, and very discerning. I regret, however, to have to say that I am not appreciated here. The fact is I am before my time. The people are not yet ripe for the great truths I preach. They are matter of fact, exceedingly so, and the school I represent is not appreciated. I have often said that even a dweller in the infernal-regions coming amongst them would not be able to convince them, and the truth of this is proved now. They do not seem disposed to believe that you were once an inhabitant of this world, and that on your death you passed to the other region."
"Ahem, coughed Flin, "that may or may not be so. I must in the interest of truth say that I cannot altogether bring myself to believe the doctrine; but no matter, my poor abilities, such as they are, are at your service, and if I can aid you, pray command me."
"Thank you very much," answered the other. "I could not have conceived that the upper world could have produced a man of such wisdom as yourself. You would scarcely discredit a tailed race of beings. You can be of service to me, and I accept you offer. I should like you to become a follower of mine. I can assure you you have much to gain by doing so. The King is weak-minded, and you and I together may be able to convince him, and by our united efforts counteract the intrigues and false doctrines of Doctor Yrekcauq. You have nothing to gain from him, nothing whatever. He will in fact, make your existence here miserable. As you are aware, he is desirous of exhibiting you as a show, but we must oppose that."
"I thoroughly appreciate that idea," exclaimed Flin, who had already conceived a positive aversion for the Doctor from the fact of his having made such a proposition. On the other hand, he did not, by any means, think much of Ytidrusba. "What do you propose?" he asked after a pause.
"Be guided by me in all things."
"You will find me an obedient follower."
"That is good. I shall endeavour now to obtain you an interview with the King, and you must strongly protest against the proposed exhibition. You must use every endeavour to gain his Majesty's permission to move freely about the city, and you will have to convince the people that you descended from the infernal regions specially to warn them against their wickedness in opposing the truths I have so long preached. You will get many converts, and our party will be so strengthened that we shall be able to annihilate the Doctor and his clique."
"Ah, capital idea," observed Flin, but he did not at all approve of it in his own heart. To represent himself as inferior to these wretched beings was by no means pleasant, but there was no help for it. He had many interests to serve beside his own, and he felt it was a duty he owed to the honourable society of which he was a member, as well as to the glorious Stars and Stripes, to learn all that it was possible to learn about these strange beings. Moreover, he thought it was just possible that by able diplomacy he would be able to induce King Gubmuh to recognise the American flag, and in time Esnesnon might even become a dependency of the United States Government. That was a noble end to strive for, and he felt that to reach such a goal he was justified in resorting to any legitimate means, and "legitimate means" under the circumstances was capable of a very wide interpretation.
"By the way, it has struck me that, with a view to strengthening our hands, a little harmless artifice may be resorted to," said Ytidrusba. "You are young, and of prepossessing appearance (Flin blushed and bowed). The King has a daughter, a lovely creature, charming in manner, and with a heart brimming over with affection. But she has been kept very secluded, owing to a tendency to wildness, and her father will not permit her to move in society at present. She is very anxious to see you, and I have no doubt that by perseverance you will be able to make a very favourable impression upon her. She may even pay you considerable attention, and possibly indulge in a little flirtation."
"Really, Mr Ytidrusba," interrupted Flin, "I think I must decline to lend myself to any such scheme. I am too old to trifle with the feelings of any fair creature, and --- "
Ytidrusba burst into a loud laugh, and Flin felt considerably annoyed, for he did not like to be ridiculed. It made him absolutely angry.
"Pardon my seeming rudeness," said the magician. "You are such a comical little chap that one cannot help laughing. Why, you are only a baby yet compared with our people. And if you had a little more hair on your head you would not be at all a bad-looking young fellow. Why, the lovely Princess Yobmot, who is a little given to flirting, I am sorry to say, will be quite delighted with the novelty of making love to you for a time."
"Really, sir, I am very much shocked to hear you speak in such a manner. For you to say that a young lady and a Princess is 'given to flirting,' and that she will make love to me, sounds very strange, and is scarcely compatible with my notions of etiquette and propriety."
Ytidrusba laughed loudly again. When he had recovered himself he said, "I must really beg your pardon. I had quite forgotten that in your miserable country the gentlemen make love to the ladies. Here in our civilised region it is quite different. The order is reversed. The ladies make love to the males; and I assure you they are terribly wild flirts. No young male with any pretension to looks is safe from the designs of the girls. Our young males are very carefully guarded by their mammas, but I am sorry to say that they are led astray in spite of the watchfulness and care of their parents. We are governed here, sir, by women."
"Governed by women!" exclaimed Flin.
"Yes; we have a grand parliament composed entirely of ladies. The King can do nothing without the sanction of this parliament. The fact is, the women rule us with an iron hand. We groan under their despotic sway. We have no voice. At least, we may talk ourselves hoarse, but they will not hear us. Our girls have far too much liberty. I have long tried to get an Act passed making it an offence against the State for them to flirt."
"Dear me! how very strange to be sure!" mused Flin. "I cannot say that I should altogether like this mode of petticoat government. In my country there are loud complaints heard from individuals who are strongly ruled at home by their better halves. But that is a private matter, and the remedy for that or rather the prevention, is for men not to get married at all. But if it came to a question of having old women in our council chamber, I very much fear I should be false to my allegiance and forsake the dear old Stars and Stripes."
"No doubt, no doubt," Ytidrusba answered, "but here the wisdom of our women is considered infinitely greater than that of the males. Though, to make a confidant of you, our men would rise in rebellion tomorrow if they could only get a resolute leader. The artful ladies, however, exert such a bewitching influence over the male population that I fear it is hopeless to look for anything like a universal rising. But to the point. I will introduce you to the Princess, and you must endeavour to make yourself agreeable. She has influence with her father, who really dotes upon her; and she also has a voice in the parliament. If she takes a fancy to you she will be able to aid us very materially. You see she is young and childish yet, and youth must have its frolic. In other respects you will find her a very nice young lady, but an awful tease."
"I shall be delighted to make her acquaintance," answered Flin; "but I beg to assure you that I have long since passed that period when flirtation is enjoyable. Though if the beautiful Princess Yobmot can influence our cause, I shall use every endeavour to render myself agreeable."
"I am glad to hear you say so," said Ytidrusba. "A little finessing under the circumstances is allowable. But come now with me, and I will see if I can procure you an interview with the Princess."