Mrs. ---- Has a Little Grievance
I will not be so ungallant as to say that the fair members of the Society for the Protection of Men indulged in anything like a row, but I will say that for a time a wordy war waged, and if it is possible, by any stretch of imagination, for my peacefully-inclined readers to realise what would be the result of seventy feminine tongues suddenly let loose to talk against time, they will not be surprised to learn that Mr. Flonatin, old and experienced traveller though he was, turned pale and faint, and as he saw the seventy pairs of flashing eyes that were darting fire, and the seventy pairs of arms that were sawing the air, and the seventy pairs of lips moving with lightning-like rapidity, and seventy noses turned up in withering scorn, and seventy breasts heaving with the volcanic wrath which agitated their fair owners, I say as he saw these things he trembled, and wished himself safely back again with his old housekeeper in his snug dwelling at New York. The Princess Yobmot, noticing how agitated and alarmed he was, moved from her seat, and taking his hand led him to a couch and whispered, ---
"Don't be alarmed, dear. Although they make a terrible noise they are quite harmless." Then going back to her chair again she hammered the table in such a manner that the tongues began to move less vigorously, and when partial silence had been restored she exclaimed, in a stentorian voice, and in a manner that left no room for doubt that she was in earnest, "Ladies, ladies, ladies," repeating the word three times, and raising her voice each time, "this is absolutely disgraceful, and if you do not preserve order I will dissolve the meeting. I command you to be silent. Remember I am your King's daughter."
And there was silence, save for an intermittent outburst, that gradually grew fainter and fainter, like the mutterings of a dying thunderstorm. And at last the dear creatures commenced to smile, and the smiling was contagious, until the whole seventy faces were as bright as the radiant beams of the rising sun of the upper world. It was a glorious sight to behold.
Then the Princess, all smiles too, once more addressed the meeting.
"I am very much obliged to you, ladies, and now we will proceed to business."
Two of the young members here caused some slight interruption by having a dispute about some fashions which had appeared in the Esnesnon Fashion Guide, but the disturbance was quickly quelled, and harmony and good feeling prevailed --- that is, apparently, for what the true feelings of those seventy dear hearts were there are no means of knowing. A woman's heart is a profound and awful mystery. Even Mr. Flonatin is silent on the subject.
"The first business I have on the paper, ladies," said the Princess, "is the case of an unfortunate male who has been deserted by his wife. He is a mere youth, being but fifty years of age. He has two infants, aged seventeen and twenty respectively. They are both girls, and he applies to us to protect him and these babes from his wife, who may probably return and squander the property, and turn the father and children out. This seems to me to be a very deserving case, and I think we may safely pass a resolution to apply to the Court for the necessary protection order. It is very evident that this wife is a very worthless and bad woman, and the poor husband should be protected from her violence."
Some slight discussion here arose, but it was very short, and the resolution was put to the meeting and carried unanimously.
"The next case, ladies, is that of a youth aged forty, who was inveigled away from the legal guardianship of his parents by a young woman. She kept him a prisoner in a house in a low part of the town for some time, but he was subsequently turned out and sent home."
"What evidence is there, your Highness," asked a lady, "that this boy was taken away against his will?"
"According to the paper here there is the evidence of his parents, as well as his own statement. He says that he was not party. "
"Then I think it is a matter for our consideration," observed another lady. "I am sorry to say that cases of abduction of young men and boys is sadly on the increase, and should be dealt with a firm hand. It is really a disgrace to a civilised country like this that such things should be possible."
"I quite agree with your remarks," said the Princess; "I have been shocked of late to see the number of cases in the papers of young men who have been led away. It is terrible, indeed, and the severest punishment should be meted to any woman who is guilty of such a crime. It is high time that there was reform."
"Why doesn't she set an example?" simpered a blushing damsel to another blushing damsel on her left. "She is worse than anybody else in Esnesnon."
Fortunately this remark did not reach the Princess's ears, or it might have fared badly with the fair libeller.
"The next case," pursued the chairwoman, "is a very sad one indeed. It is that of a young male with several children, and for years he has laboured to support his family, while the wife has remained at home in idleness. The other day he came home, and his wife asked him for some currency, which he refused to give her, where-upon she commenced to beat him, knocking him down, breaking one of his arms, injuring an eye, and his tail, and otherwise maltreating him, and rendering him incapable of pursuing his occupation. He applies to us to enable him to get a separation from the woman, so that he may live in peace and follow his calling for the benefit of his children without interruption. It does occur to me, ladies, that this is a most pitiable case. This poor young male has been struggling for years to support his dissolute wife and his children respectably. But his efforts have been useless, and he has repeatedly been most severely beaten and maltreated. I hope you will be able to pass a resolution to meet the young man's wishes."
"What is his occupation, your Highness?" asked a member.
"He is a public chariot-driver; very hardworking and steady. But his earnings are barely sufficient even to supply necessaries."
Here Mrs ---- rose up suddenly. Her face wore an unusual look of sternness.
"I must oppose this application," she said.
A roar of laughter greeted the announcement, but, unmindful of the interruption, the lady proceeded , ---
"I repeat that I oppose the application, on the grounds that a male who drives a public conveyance cannot be a respectable person." ("Oh, oh!" and cries of "Shame!")
"Somebody cries 'Oh!' and 'Shame!' but I may be permitted to say that I have made a study of the whole race of chariot-drivers, and have had as much experience of them as anyone in Esnesnon." (Loud laughter.)
"You may laugh as much as you like, ladies, but I assert fearlessly that my experience has been bitter. You are aware that scarcely a week passes but what I have to summon one or other of these wretched people, male of female, for overcharging me."
"Why don't you keep a chariot of your own?" from a voice at the end of the table.
Mrs ----looked in the direction from whence it came, and had she recognised the owner of the voice at that moment it might have gone hard with the owner.
"I will not notice that insulting question further than by saying that the reason I don't keep my own chariot is entirely my own business. I choose to patronise the public vehicles in the public interest; and the single handed war which I have so long waged against these chariot-driving sharks ought to have earned for me the public esteem and support, instead of ridicule and contempt. My disinterested exertions --- "
"Humbug," from a lady.
"Who says that I am a humbug?" roared Mrs ---- but no answer was forthcoming, and so she continued: "I repeat that my disinterested exertions --- "
"Twaddle," from a little woman at the extreme end of the room, opposite the speaker.
The veins in Mrs ----'s forehead were dangerously distended, and her countenance was a pea green. So great was her wrath that she could not find words, or rather the words rushed to her lips in such numbers that her tongue could not move fast enough; but presently she managed to stammer, ---
"Who dares to accuse me of talking twaddle? Let the wretch stand up and repeat it, and I promise her such a boxing of the ears as she has never before experienced. Who is the culprit? I call upon her to stand out, and if not I brand her as a coward and a --- "
"Order!" cried the chairwoman, just in time to stop Mrs ---- from saying something very naughty.
"You may well cry order," remarked Mrs ---- sarcastically, "but why don't you keep the other members in order? I am always being insulted. I am one of the most amiable and peacefully-disposed members at the board --- (loud and derisive laughter) --- but I have to put up with more insults than anyone else. It is too bad, that it is. Who is the wretch who said I talked twaddle? Why does she not speak?"
But the culprit showed no signs of declaring herself, and so Mrs sneered, ---
"She may well keep silent, the miserable minx. It would be better if she were to stay at home and keep the dwelling clean, instead of coming here to interrupt a lady."
"Mrs ----, I call you to order," cried the Princess, rising suddenly and banging the table with her rod. "You shall not indulge in such personalities in my presence. It is really disgraceful, and this board is getting quite a reputation for squabbling. You will please to confine your remarks to the business before the meeting; and any personal quarrel you may have with any member you must settle elsewhere."
"This is too bad, that it is, I declare," exclaimed Mrs ---- bursting into tears. At least she drew forth a large handkerchief which was made from asbestos and buried her face in it, and between hysterical sobs she managed to stammer, "I am a most ill-used and persecuted woman, that I am. Everybody is against me, and yet I never quarrel with anyone, and always carefully avoid saying anything that is calculated to give offence. It is shameful, so it is, and it is seriously affecting my health. I can't stand it. I will resign, that's what I'll do."
("Hear, hear," from all parts.)
In an instant Mrs had dried her tears, and was looking round defiantly at her tormentors.
"No doubt," she said, "many of you would be delighted if I were to do that, but I won't. You shall not have the satisfaction of saying you drove me from the board."
"Mrs ---- ," roared the Princess, "I will dissolve the meeting if you do not confine yourself to business."
"Very well," answered the lady, "but permit me to say, your Highness, that you might show me a little more consideration, even though the young members of the board know no better. But to return to the subject, though I may mention that if anyone else is vulgar enough to interrupt I shall treat them with profound contempt. With reference to the case of this chariot-driver ---- though I may first parenthetically remark that if I am insulted again I shall consult my woman-of- law ---- I say that this male is not deserving of our support. I would just pause for a moment to remark that I shall write to the editor of the Gazette and complain of the treatment I met with here. A male who drives a public vehicle cannot be other than a worthless vagabond. Just one caution to those ladies who treat me with such marked disrespect. I shall in future provide myself with a whip, and shall not hesitate to use it. But to return to this chariot-driver. I cannot support his application. He is unworthy of any consideration. I confess that I don't like chariot-drivers, they are as objectionable to me as vermin. I like to prosecute them, torment them. I should like indeed to improve them off the face of our beautiful world, which they only serve to befoul. I therefore oppose this application."
"Upon what grounds?" asked the Princess.
"On the grounds of his being a chariot- driver."
"Have you no other reason?"
"None whatever."
"You don't know the male personally?"
"No."
"Nor anything against his personal character?"
"No. But he is a chariot-driver, and that is sufficient."
"There I differ from you. It is not sufficient for us to merely consider what his occupation is. The fact of his being a male, and subject to ill treatment at the hands of his wife, ought to arouse our tenderest sympathies, and I hope, ladies, those sympathies will not be withheld. It is ever woman's duty to protect her weaker brother, and personal animosity ought not to be allowed to stand in the way of our doing our duty."
"I beg to correct your Highness," growled Mrs ---- . "I have no personal animosity --- "
"We will proceed to vote, ladies," said the Princess, with supreme contempt for the speaker. "I regret that I have no person ---; "
"Vote, vote."
"You shall hear me. I have no --- "
"Vote, vote"
"Sit down."
"I sha'n't sit down. I have --- "
"Silence, order!"
"I won't be silent, I won't keep order," shrieked the irascible lady. "I --- "
But the rest of her sentence was drowned by the roar of voices which hailed the declaration that the vote had been carried with only one dissentient. The chairwoman now announced that the business was concluded, and so the meeting broke up, and then once more the seventy tongues were set in violent motion. And as the ladies put on their shawls and wished each other good- bye there was as much kissing and shaking of hands as if all these dear creatures were angels inhabiting a peaceful Eden. And Mrs ---- was profuse in her compliments to this lady for the elegant cut of her robe, and to that one for the simple yet refined manner in which she dressed her hair. And the good- natured soul kissed and shook hands just as though she was in earnest, and then she invited several of her dear friends to a quiet little Scantonguedal drinking party. Scantonguedal is a favourite beverage with the fair sex in the inner world. It is made from a peculiar grain that grows there, and its effect is to exhilarate and induce a freedom of expression which enables the dear creatures to speak about their friends without any sense of responsibility or restraint. On that account the ladies are much given to indulgence in it.