A Treatise concerning the Use and Abuse of the Marriage Bed/Chapter 1
CHAP.I.
Of Matrimony, the Nature of it, its sacred Original, and the true intent and meaning of its Institution; as also how our Notions of it are degenerated, the Obligations of it disregarded, and the Thing it self, as a State of Life, grosly abused.
EING to discourse in a particular and extraordinary Manner of the Breaches of the Matrimonial Relation, with the Disorders which are committed under the Protection of Matrimony; and being to exhibit a Charge of very high Crimes and Misdemeanors against some People who think themselves very Virtuous and Modest, and yet give themselves all those Matrimonial Liberties: It is highly needful to explain to such seemingly Ignorant, what the true intent and meaning of that ill-understood State of Life is; what it imports; and how Christians ought to rate and esteem the Obligation of it in the Conduct of a regular Life.
For as I find my Judgment of Things is like to differ from others, that what they think lawful I shall condemn as criminal, and censure what they think moderate and sober, the Preliminaries ought to be settled as we go; that we may begin upon right Principles, leaving no Room to cavil at Terms, and dispute upon Construction of Words, nicety of Expression, double Entendres and such Trifles. I resolve to speak plainly, and would be understood distinctly.
Matrimony is, according to the Words in the Office appointed in our Liturgy, GOD's Ordinance, that I shall prove to you presently; but 'tis moreover GOD's holy Ordinance. Now if it be a holy Ordinance, the married Life has a Sanction too, and ought to be preserved sacred, not be debauched with criminal Excesses of any kind; much less should it be made a cover and skreen for those matrimonial Intemperances which I now speak of, and which I shall prove to be not only scandalous to, but unworthy of Matrimony, as a sacred state of Life.
As it is GOD's Ordinance, and an holy Ordinance, so 'tis an honourable State; the Apostle says, Marriage is honourable, Heb. xiii. 4. But then you are to observe also, that it is immediately added, and the Bed undefiled. Now this nice Term of the Bed undefiled, requires some Explanation, and in that perhaps we may differ. They that think the Marriage-Bed cannot be defiled but by Adultery, will greatly differ from me; and 'tis my Business to prove they are mistaken, which, if I do not, I do nothing.
But, that I may do it with the more clearness, and leave no Room for Dispute, I therefore set apart this first Chapter to consider Matrimony in general, what it is, how we ought to understand it, and what the End and Design of GOD's Appointment in it was, and still is; and by this, I think, I may make Way for a more exact Observation of those Duties which the matrimonial Vow is said to bind us to, and expose the scandalous Mistakes of those who make it a Cloke to all Licentiousness.
As soon as our Mother EVE was first form'd, had just found her self in Being, and though she had seen nothing about her, yet had a Soul as capacious of Knowledge as the Man she was made for. The Text says, GOD brought her to the Man, Gen. ii. 22. that is, in short, GOD married them. Adam himself expresses it, cap. iii. 12. The Woman whom thou gavest me, N.B. GOD gave the Bride.
Hence I observe by the way, tho' with all possible Brevity, that they are certainly wrong who challenge the Clergy for engrossing the Office of Marrying, as if it did not belong to them, but was a meer Civil Contract, and therefore was no Perquisite of the Church, but the Business of the Magistrate.
I say, 'tis a Mistake; for as it was instituted immediately from the divine Authority, so it was solemnized by him who having alone Instituted it, had a Right to perform the Ceremony; for this Reason it is called GOD's holy Ordinance; and though I do not think it ought to be called a Sacrament, yet without doubt GOD himself put a sacred Character upon it as he honoured it with a particular Law, the second Law given in Paradise, namely, that the Man should leave his Father and his Mother and cleave unto his Wife, Gen. ii. 24. after which, as GOD, who was the Father of Eve, gave her in Marriage, so the Paternal Authority preserved the Right of Marriage ever after, as they did the Priesthood, (for the Patriarch was the Priest) and had it by the same Authority; Hence the Parent giving the Bride is to this Day a remainder of that Authority. The Ceremony then being truly Religious, and an Ordinance of GOD, it goes with GOD's other Ordinances, away to the Priest, whose Business it is to exercise all religious Offices; and this among the rest.
Also here, if you will allow me to Preach, it shall be against the Plurality of Wives: From this Pattern in Paradise Poligamy seems to be utterly condemned; and though in the Times of After-Ignorance many Things were practised, which, as the Text says, GOD winked at, yet in the Beginning it was not so; and we may as well Argue for marrying two Sisters, as Jacob. and perhaps several others did, till it was especially prohibited, as for marrying many Wives at once, which 'tis evident our Saviour forbids, and the Argument against them are alike, as I said above, (viz.) That in the Beginning it was not so.
I know 'tis alledged, that the encrease of Mankind, in those early Ages of Time, made it necessary; but might it not be much more a Reason in Adam's Case when he was alone? And why did not GOD, for the immediate Propagation of the kind, and encrease of the World, make his Rib into half a dozen Wives for Adam or as many as he had pleas'd.
But 'tis evident, one Wife to one Husband was thought best by his Maker, who knew what was best, and most calculated for his temporal Felicity; as to the encrease of People, 'twas evident the Race soon multiplied; and, after the Interruption of the first Growth, and the Disaster of Abel's Death, the long Life of the Antediluvians also considered, the Numbers of People soon encreased, and that in a prodigious manner; for, if you will believe the learned Author of the Theory of the Earth, 'tis probable there were much greater Numbers of People alive at the Deluge than ever were in the World at any one time since, or than are now; tho' the World is thought to be more populous now than ever it has been since the Deluge.
The Argument for the encrease of People could not be greater since, than it was in Paradise; and had God approved of it, or thought it reasonable, he would certainly have given Adam more Wives than one at first. Besides, one wife was given him as a Help meet; by which it is evident the Original understands it a Help sufficient to him, intimating, that they were in every Thing sufficient to one another; and not to enter into that Part of it which respect their Sexes, which my lewder Readers will perhaps look for; 'Tis evident, that a single handed Matrimony is many Ways adapted to the Felicity of human Life more than a state of Poligamy; the Effect of a Plurality of Wives having always been Family-Strife, Envying, and Quarrelling, between the Women especially, no Part of which could much add to the Felicity of the Husband, and often did embark the Husband in the Breach, as in the Examples of Sarah and Hagar, Leah and Rachel, Hannah and Penninah, and many others.
On the other hand, we see the most eminent of the Patriarchs had but one Wife, at least we read of no more; even Abraham, except in the Case of Hagar, who was but a Concubine at most, had but one Wife at a Time; Isaac had never any but Rebecca, Joseph, Moses, Aaron, and several others; the grosser Use of Women came in with David, as the setting up a Seraglio of Whores did with King Solomon; but, to repeat our Saviour's Words again, in the Beginning it was not so.
But I shall speak of that Part again in its Course. What I have now said is but a Digression made necessary as an Observation on the manner of the first Wedding; the Man and the Woman, as I have said, were single and separate, but God made them to associate together, so he brought the Woman to him, and gave her to be with him, that is, as above, GOD married them.
God having thus ordained Matrimony, and solemnized the first Nuptials in Paradise, it cannot be denied to be, as our Office of Matrimony declares it, GOD's holy Ordinance. How our Notions of it are degenerated, the Bonds of it disregarded, and the whole Institution abused, is the Subject of this whole Undertaking, but especially of this Chapter.
What the true intent and meaning of Matrimony, in its first Institution, was, and what the Nature of that Contract points at, I shall leave in better Hands; the learned Fathers of the Church have, in all Ages, taken Pains to explain those Things to you: Nor am I going about to Preach, as a Reverend Divine lately did to the surprize of his Auditory, on Gen. iv. ver. I. Adam knew his Wife Eve. But there are a great many Civil Views in the Institution of Matrimony, which the propagating of the kind has little or no Concern in, and the Ordinance of Matrimony suffers as much by our scandalous Notions of it, as a State of Life, as it does in any other Part.
Nor is the subordination any Part of the Case I am upon; I am so little a Friend to that which they call Government and Obedience between the Man and his Wife, especially as some People would have it be understood, and as the common Talk is managed when such Things come in our way; that the Ladies will take no Offence at me, I dare say. I don't take the State of Matrimony to be designed as that of Apprentices who are bound to the Family, and that the Wife is to be us'd only as the upper Servant in the House. The great Duty between the Man and his Wife, I take to consist in that of Love, in the Government of Affection, and the Obedience of a complaisant, kind, obliging Temper; the Obligation is reciprocal, 'tis drawing in an equal Yoke; Love knows no superior or inferior, no imperious Command on one hand, no reluctant Subjection on the other; the End of both should be the well-ordering their Family, the good-guiding their Houshold and Children, educating, instructing and managing them with a mutual Endeavour, and giving respectively good Examples to them, directing others in their Duty by doing their own well, guiding themselves in every Relation, in order to the well guiding all that are under them; filling up Life with an equal Regard to those above them, and those below them, so as to be Exemplar to all.
This is Matrimony in its just appointed meaning, whatever Notions our fashionable People may have of it. What Import else can those Words have in them, which we find so carefully placed, and so openly repeated in the Office at the Time of Marriage, Wilt thou love her, live with her, comfort her, honour, keep her, and again, to love and to cherish, and afterward 'tis added, that you will do all this according to GOD's holy Ordinance; which, if I may expound in very plain Words, is, according to the true intent and meaning of the first Institution, and that is in the Sense of God himself, to be a Help meet to one another.
Upon the whole, the Matrimonial Duty is all reciprocal; 'tis founded in Love, 'tis performed in the heighth of Affection; its most perfect Accomplishment consists not in the Union of the Sexes, but in the Union of the Souls; uniting their Desires, their Ends, and consequently their Endeavours, for compleating their mutual Felicity.
All the subjection and subordination in the World, without this mutual Affection, cannot give one Dram of Satisfaction or Enjoyment. How remote our Notions of Marriage in general are to these Things, and how little the present Age seems to understand them, or at least to regard them, I need not enquire; 'tis too visible in almost every Family: Nor indeed can it be otherwise, except by some rare Example of Virtue and good Humour meeting on both Sides, which, as Marriages are now made, is very unlikely to happen; 'tis a Lottery of a thousand Blanks to a Prize.
Not one in five hundred of those that now marry, really understand what they marry for; I cannot give the detail of their general Account, and of the Answers they would give to the Question without Blushes, not at them, but for them; I do not mean Blushing in the Sense that I generally take the Word in this Book, but I mean blushing for the Folly and Ignorance of the People.
Ask the Ladies why they marry, they tell you 'tis for a good Settlement; tho' they had their own Fortunes to settle on themselves before. Ask the Men why they marry, it is for the Money. How few Matches have any other Motive except such as I must mention hereafter, and indeed will hardly bear any mention at all, for many known Reasons. How little is regarded of that one essential and absolutely necessary Part of the Composition, called Love, without which the matrimonial State is, I think, hardly lawful, I am sure is not rational, and, I think, can never be happy.
Hence it follows, that we have such few happy and successful Matches. How much Matrimony, how little Love; how many Coupled, how few Join'd; in a word, how much Marriage, how little Friendship. O Friendship! thou exalted Felicity of Life, thou glorious Incorporation of Souls, thou heavenly Image, thou polisher and finisher of the brightest Part of Mankind, how much art thou talked of, how little understood, how much pretended to, how little endeavoured for! Where does the kind expecting Husband find a sincere Friend in his Bosom? How seldom does the tender affectionate Wife take a Friend into her Arms, even though she does take the Person, she takes the Man without the Husband, and the Husband without the Friend? Not Virtue, not Fidelity to the Marriage Bed, not Conscience of the Conjugal Duty, not Religion, will do it; no not RELIGION! How many Husbands and Wives will go to Heaven from the Arms of the Wives and Husbands they had no Friendship for?
How miserably do the Pious and the Devout, the Religious and the Consciencious live together! the Husbands here, the Wives there, by jarring Tempers, discording Affections, and, in short, meer want of Love and Friendship, grow scandals to the marry'd Life, and set themselves up for Beacons and Light-houses, to warn the wandering World, and to bid them beware how they marry without Love, how they join Hands and not Hearts, unite Interests, unite Sexes, unite Families and Relatives, and yet never unite Hearts?
How is Matrimony abused in all these Cases by almost all Sorts of People, who carrying a Face of Civility and Union in the married Life, and who, in view of the World, pass for sober, modest, grave, religious, and all that Virtue and Honesty call for among Christians; and yet trace them into their Houses and Families, their Conversation is gross, and, in a manner debauched with undecent Language, their Way of living all Luxury and Sloth, their Marriage Covenants broken by Strife and Contention; in a word, their Houses a Bedlam, and their Marriage Bed a Scene of Lewdness and Excesses not to be named.
Is this living together after God's holy Ordinance? Is this making the Marriage Bed a Bed undefiled? Will they pretend there is nothing defiles the Marriage Bed but Whoredom, and forsaking the Marriage Covenant. Let not that Mistake be their Protection in the Breach of the Laws of Nature, and despising all the limitations of Decency and Modesty; there are Laws and Limits plac'd by Nature, nay, let me say, by the God of Nature, even to the conjugal Embraces; and a due regard is to be had, in all Cafes, to those Laws and Limits. If I am speaking to Christians I need not explain my self; but as I am to speak to some People who, though the World calls them Christians, can hardly, without blushing, call themselves so, I must be forced to speak as plainly as the Laws of Decency will allow, in reproving their Conduct, I refer to the Particulars in the following Tract, where they who are guilty may find Room to blush.
It were to be wished, that all People that marry were to be ask'd before-hand if they really understood what Matrimony meant, and what the true intent of a married Life was, as well in its Institution, as in the grand Design of Family-Felicity; the married Couple are young, their Blood warm; the Youth, fir'd with the blooming Beauty of his Bride, thinks of little all the while the Apparatus of the Wedding is in hand, nay, perhaps all the while he is (feigning) I should say making, Love to her, as we weakly call his Courting her, I think we should rather call it, all the while he is talking in Jest to her; I say, all this while he is thinking of little but getting to Bed to her. What engages her Thoughts I say nothing to, for Reasons given already.
Thus, coming together without Thought, we are not to wonder they go on without Conduct, that they act a thousand weak and wild Things afterwards, such as they often live to be ashamed of, and to blush at. As they allowed themselves to think no farther than the wedding Week, so how awkwardly do they behave when they come to the graver Part of Life? Matrimony is not a Branch of Life only, but 'tis a State, 'tis a settled Establishment of Life, and an Establishment for a continuance at least of the Life of one of the two. How unhappy are those married People, who rashly coming together, as I said just now, and perhaps with mean and unthinking Views, I think I may say, Views unworthy of the Dignity and Honour of a married State, seem surprised and disappointed when they come to enter upon the subsequent more weighty and solid Part of the married Life? How often do we hear them say, If I had known what it had been to be a Wife, if I had known what it had been to be a Husband, and to have the Care of a Family upon me, and a House-full of Children to provide for, and take care of, I would never have married. Some indeed Repent upon a worse Foot. But I am speaking of it now, even where the Article of a bad Husband or a bad Wife are not concerned.
Marriage is an honourable State or Station of Life, but it is not a thoughtless, idle, unemployed State, even where the Concerns of the Family are easy, where Plenty flows, and the World smiles; yet a married Life has its Cares, its Anxieties, its Embarassments, which the young Lady knew nothing of in her Father's House, where she liv'd without Care, without Disturbance, slept without Fear, and wak'd without Sorrows. But married, she is a Mistress, she is a Mother, she is a Wife, every one of which Relations has its little addenda of Incumcumbrance, and perhaps of Uneasiness too, be her Circumstances as good otherwise as she can or would suppose them to be.
We have an English saying, they that marry in haste repent at leisure. Now though my Design is not to run down the married State, and raise frightful Ideas in the Minds of those that are to enter into it, so as to prevent their marrying; yet, I hope, I may hint to them, that they should look before they take this Leap in the Dark, that they should consider all the Circumstances that are before them, that they may have no Reason to repent when they shall be sure to have no Room for it.
Now, it is not the Matrimony, but the abuse of Matrimony, which is our present Subject, nor let the Ladies be offended, as if I was perswading Folks not to marry at all; it is not refusing Matrimony that I persuade to in order to prevent those Abuses, but a considering and weighing the Circumstances of Matrimony before it is consummated. I agree with the Maids Catechise, where the first Question is, What is the chief End of a Maid? and the Answer is, To be married. But I am Arguing to remove the Occasion of those Abuses which make the Matrimony ruinous, and a Disaster both to the Man and to the Maid.
This would secure the Affection of the Parties before they marry; they would be united before they were joined, they would be married even before they were wedded, the Love would be possess'd before the Persons, and they would have exchanged Hearts before they exchanged the Words of, I, N. take thee N; in short, Matrimony without Love is the Cart before the Horse, and Love without Matrimony is the Horse without any Cart at all.
Marrying is not such a frightful Thing that we should be terrified at the Thoughts of it, yet it is far from being such a trifling Thing either that we should run Headlong or Blindfold into it, without so much as looking before us. 'Twas a prudent Saying of a young Lady, who wanted neither Wit or Fortune to recommend her, that marrying on the Woman's Side was like a Horse rushing into the Battle, who depending upon the Hand that rules him, has no Weapon of his own, either offensive or defensive; whereas, on the Man's side, like the Soldier, he has both Armour to preserve himself, and Weapons to make him be fear'd by his Adversary.
I know not by what degeneracy in our Manners, or corruption of Principles, it is come to pass, but 'tis too general in practice, that Matrimony is now looked upon only as a politick Opportunity to gratify a vitious Appetite: The Form, how sacred soever graver Heads may pretend it is in its Institution, is now become our Jest, and not only ridiculed and bantered in our Discourse, for that might be born with, but 'tis become a Jest in practice; all the solemn Part is dropt out of our Thoughts, the Money and the Maidenhead is the Subject of our Meditations; not only the divine Institution is made a Stalking-horse to the brutal Appetite, but indeed the best of Women are betrayed by it into the hands of the vilest of Men, and in the grossest manner abus'd; nay, which is still worse, this is done with a Banter and a Jest , all the sacred Obligations, the indissolvable Bands of Religion and Virtue, are trampled under foot; the modest and most virtuous Lady is impudently defloured, and the Night's Enjoyment boasted of the next Day in the Arms of a Strumpet; the innocent Bride is poisoned with a Disease, and the detestable Wretch is a Bridegroom, and an Adulterer, in the first four and twenty Hours of his Engagement.
A——— B——— was a Gentleman of Figure and Fortune; in his Coach and four, and with a suitable Equipage: He made his Addresses to a wealthy Citizen, and Proposals of suitable Settlement, for his Consent to court his Daughter. Nothing appeared but what was fair and honourable; he is accepted; the young Lady, virtuous, modest, beautiful, finely bred, in the Bloom of her Youth, wheedled with his Tongue, and deceived with the appearance of a fine Gentleman, and a Lover, yields to the Proposals, and throws her self into the Arms of the worst of Monsters.
The very first Moments of his embraces fright her with something inexpressibly nauseous about him; yet Innocence and Virtue had no Power to make a Judgment of Things; but, like the chast Roman Lady, whose Husband had a stinking Breath, innocently answered, That she thought all Men were so.
In short, the Lady is ruined the first Night; the V. . . . . boasted among his viler Companions, that he had given her something that would soon dispose of her; and it was too true; in less than a Month she was in a Condition not fit to be described, in about two more the ablest Physicians shook their Heads, and voted her Incurable, in eight Months she was a deplorable Object, and, in less than a Year, lodg'd in her Grave; the Murtherer, for he can be no other, putting on Black for a shew; but when charged home by the Friends of the ruin'd Lady, answered with a kind of a laugh, that he thought he had been cured.
If this unhappy Story were a Romance, a Fiction, contrived to illustrate the Subject, I should give it you with all its abhorred Particulars, as far as decency of Language would permit; that the abuse of Matrimony, which is the Subject I am now to enter upon, may be exposed as it deserves.
But when Facts, however flagrant, are too near home, and the miserable Sufferers already too much oppressed with the Injury, we must not add to their Afflictions by too publick a use of the Calamity to embellish our Story; the murthered Lady rests in her Grave; we must leave the Offender to the supreme Justice, and to the Reproaches of his Conscience.
Sad Examples of conjugal Treachery might be given of this kind; and I might make the whole Work a Satyr upon those, who, abusing the Marriage Bed, have prostituted the sacred Institution to their Vice, and made it a covering to Crime, a snare to the Person drawn into it, and a cheat to devour their Fortunes, as well as Persons.
The Lady ———, pardon my concealing Names, is a Person of good Birth, of a Family in good Circumstances, and pass'd with all that knew her for a Woman of Virtue. Her modest behaviour gave such a Credit to her, and established her Character so well, that it would have looked like Malice, and been received in all Company with a general disgust, so much as to have drop'd a Word that look'd like Detraction, or in the least touch'd her Fame.
She is admired and courted by several, and, after some time, married by a Person of good Fortunes, and even superior Birth; a Man of Honour and of Quality, and yet, which is now very rare, a Man of Virtue: He is pleas'd with his Bride to the last degree; vain of her Beauty; boasts of her as a Prize carry'd by his good Fortune from so many Pretenders. But, alas! what Shagreen covers the usual Smile that sat upon his always pleasant Countenance! What Torment swell'd his Breast, when, within the compass of half a Year, he finds the virtuous Charmer, the Mistress of his chast Affections, not only with Child, but not able any longer to conceal, that by the unalterable Laws of Nature it could not be his.
He is surprized, he charges her with it, she confesses it with the utmost Testimonies of penitence and regret for the Injury done him, and, with the force of an inimitable Conduct, reingages him; he forgives her, but finds out the Man, fights him, wounds him, and is killed himself in the unequal Quarrel. Miserable Effect of abus'd Matrimony!
But even all this is not the great Point aim'd at in this Work: Our View is the criminal use of the lawful Liberties of Matrimony, and that I shall come to in its Place.
Among these however this is not the least, and therefore proper to this Place, viz. That we find wrong Notions of the matrimonial Vow, wrong Thoughts of the conjugal Obligation have possess'd the Minds of both Men and Women, and they marry now meerly to gratify the sensual Part, without the Views which the Nature of the Thing, called Matrimony, ought to give them. This is what I call making a jest of the Institution, that marry in sport, and, like the little Children, who not knowing what they are doing, say to one another, Come, Let us Play at Man and Wife.
They that make a jest of marrying, generally live to be the Jest both of the married and unmarried World; when they marry in jest they come to mourn in earnest, they tie themselves in Bonds, resolving not to be bound by the Obligation; and where is the Honesty and Justice of this? They that have no Sense of the matrimonial Obligation can have no Sense of the conjugal Duty; they marry to lie together; and they satisfy the Appetite in the Pleasures of the Marriage Bed. But when that's over, all the rest, which they had no View of before, is a Force, a Bondage; and they as heartily hate the state of Life as a Slave does his Lot in Algier or Tunis.
Let me go on a little then to furnish the growing World with better Notions of the Thing; I say, let me take up a little of this Work in the needful Enquiry of what Matrimony is, and how we ought to understand it.
The Ladies indeed run the greatest Risque in marrying, but the Men cannot be said to run no hazard, or to have nothing to lose; a little Consideration before-hand would lessen the hazard on both Sides, and not only remove the Dangers but prepare the Minds of the marrying Couple to act their Parts wifely and prudently, and to suit themselves to the particular Circumstances of the Condition which is before them.
This due preparation of the Mind for the married State, would prevent all the Abuses of it which I complain of in this Book.
When they come together affectionately, they will live together affectionately, at least they will not abandon all Affection to one another afterwards, or not so soon; nor will it be so likely that they should declare open War against one another so soon, as when they came together without any previous Kindness, except only from the Lips outward.
When they come together deliberately, they will keep together deliberately; they will not be so ready to curse the rashness and hurry of their Marriage, or be so easily disappointed in one another.
Again, and which is especially to the Purposes mentioned hereafter in this Work, when they come together Coolly and Modestly, they will not be so apt, by immoderate and furious Excesses, to dishonour the Marriage Bed, and abuse one another, as too many do.
Matrimony is a solemn Work, 'tis proposed as a sacred Institution, and the conjugal State is, upon all Occasions, look'd upon, by those that confider and understand it, as a kind of Civil Establishment in life; to engage in it Rashly, and without Consideration, is perfectly inconsistent with the Nature of the Thing, and with all that is proposed in it, or expected from it, at least by wife and sober People.
I cannot enter here upon a Description of all the several Incidents which render a married Life happy or miserable; they are innumerable, and too long to meddle with in a Work so short as this. But as I am moving all those (young People especially) who design to marry, to confider sedately and calmly, and weigh well the Circumstances, and all the Particulars of what they are going to engage in, as well of Persons as Things; so I must add, that let the Circumstances of the married Couple be what they will, I believe it will be universally true, that those Matches succeed best which are entered into with the most serious and thorough Deliberation; duly debating all the Particulars of the Persons; seriously engaging the Affections on both Sides, by mutual reciprocal Endearments, and unfeigned sincere Love, founded on real Merit, Suitability and Virtue. These confirm the Felicity, if they may not be said really to constitute it: Nor, in a word, is there one Match in fifty happy and successful without it.
Now, to come to the last Clause in the Title of this Chapter; it is for want of these calm deliberate Proceedings in the Apparatus of Matrimony, for want of weighing Circumstances, and suiting Persons to one another, that Matrimony is so often abused; suitability of Persons is one of the greatest and most important Difficulties that lie before the marrying Couple for their Consideration. The Temper of the Person is not easily discovered, nor does it require a little Judgment and Discretion to dive into the Disposition of the Person; looking too narrowly for Defeats (since all Tempers may have Failings) may be injurious on one hand; as covering the Infirmities which discover themselves too evidently, may be injurious on another.
I knew a certain Lady in the critical Time of Courtship, mighty inquisitive about the Qualifications, the Temper, and the Merit of the Gentleman; and it was thought she shewed abundance of Prudence and Caution in her Observation of his Conduct, and her Enquiries into his Character. It happened, one particular Person, who was very intimate in the Family of the Gentleman, and knew him more particularly than most did, had so much Integrity as to inform the Lady's Friend who she sent to enquire about him, that he was a hard Drinker, and that particularly he was very ill-humoured and quarrelsome when in drink; tho' 'twas allowed that he was very well tempered when sober, and, in general, had the Character of a good-humoured Man.
It seems no Body else was so kind, or so just to her, or so well acquainted with his Humour, as to acquaint her of this Part, but that one Person; and the Lady either liking the Man, or having particularly a mind to be married, or what else over-ruled her, I know not, but she took this Account, which was the only faithful and sincere one that she had given her, to be malicious and false; so she went on with her Affair, as before, giving no heed to what she had been so kindly inform'd of.
But a little while after, as if Providence had directed it for her more effectual Information, and particularly that she might have no excuse, and none to blame but her self; I say, a little after this, he happens to be very Drunk, and, in his drink, he not only takes care to give the Lady a Visit, but goes from her to the House of one of her nearest Relations, and shows himself there too.
The Lady surprised, not at his Visit, but at seeing him in that Condition, as soon as she could decently dismiss him, went big with her discovery, and greatly exasperated as well as disappointed, to make her Complaint, and give her Passions vent at her Relations, who I mentioned above. But if she was vexed and disappointed before, she was both angry and ashamed now, to find he had so little Discretion in his Wine, as to go and show and expose himself there, so that when she saw it, she could not forbear reproaching him with it, and that in the bitterest Terms imaginable.
The Gentleman stood pretty patiently a good while, and bore it all, better than they that knew him expected he should, considering he was very drunk, till the Lady giving her Passions a full vent, fell upon him in a down-right scold, and ended it with a forbidding him to wait upon her any more, that is to say, bad him give himself no farther trouble about her, for she had enough of him, and the like.
Thus far, I say, he held it very well, considering his Condition: But when she came to that Part, he looked steadily at her, and with a smiling pleasant Countenance, contrary to his usual Custom when he had been drinking, he turns to her, Ha Madam! says he, are you so hot and in such a rage! Pray, have you been drinking too? That put her quite mad; and she reviled him, told him she scorn'd him, and his Question too, that she would have him be informed she was no such Person, and a great deal more. No Madam! says he, are you not in drink, and yet can be in such a Rage? Are you so Passionate as this when you are sober? whereas, you see, I can be such a patient Dog when I am drunk; why then, Madam, says he, in good Faith, I'll take you at your word, for you are not fit to make a Wife for me. So he takes a Glass of Wine, and drinks to her better Fortune, bad her good buy, and immediately, paying his Respects to the Gentleman of the House, he walks out, and goes away.
If she was angry before, she was calm, perfectly calm, and surprized to the last degree, to see her self treated so soberly by a Man that was hardly himself; and that she was rejected in earnest, whereas she had rejected him but in a kind of a Passion, and did not intend to be taken at her word.
However, notwithstanding all this, and notwithstanding she saw him in drink several times after that, and sometimes when he did not preserve his Temper, as he did then, yet this Lady married him after it all; And what followed? As she had reason to expect, so it prov'd; she was as compleatly miserable in a Husband as a married Life could well make any Woman be; for he proved not only drunken, but a passionate outragious Wretch in his drink, and that to her in particular.
It is true, he was very obliging and good-tempered out of his Excesses; but then, as he grew older, the Vice encreased upon him; till at last, so little made him drunk, and he was so seldom sober, that she had the most Vexations, and the least Intervals of Quiet that ever Lady had; and all this for want of obeying not only the intelligence of her faithful Friend, but even the kind discovery which Providence made to her, as it were, on purpose, and past her being able to doubt the truth of it; so that indeed she had no Body to blame.
But to return to the Case, and not to insist upon the drunkenness of a particular Person, here or there, which may be said to be an Accident to the Temper; but without this, the discording Tempers of the Party is as great, and as effectual a Cause of the abuse of the matrimonial Peace, as any thing else can be.
I have mentioned the sad Consequences of discording Constitutions, in a Chapter by it self, and which often occasions a great abuse of the matrimonial Duty, and particularly of the Marriage Bed; but that is not the Point I am upon here; the difference of Tempers is yet a thousand times worse, for this makes a continued Breach in everything they do or say, ruins the whole Family-Peace, destroys the Comfort of Life, expels Religion and every good thing; for, as the Scripture says, where there is Strife and Contention, there is every evil Work.
'Tis the horror of Matrimony when two contrary Tempers come together, when Fire and Tinder meet, they certainly blaze together; when the Spark and the Gunpowder touch, the whole House is blown up; 'tis great pity to see in some Families a patient Wife and a furious Husband, or a patient sober Husband, and a termagant fiery Scold; because there is the utmost Oppression on one side, and the utmost Rage and Violence on the other.
But to have two Devils together in one House, what can be expected but Ruin and Confusion to the whole Family? and at last either separation or destruction.
It is meerly for want of a suitability of Temper, that the Peace of so many Families is loft and destroyed, and Matrimony abused, and that so many, once happy People, are made miserable. But I shall say more of this still.
Matrimony is a state of Union, 'tis the nearest union that the Sexes can be placed in. This Union is appointed in order to the mutual felicity of the Parties; 'tis then a state that both Parties should be particularly careful of, and of their Conduct in, that they may make it answer the End for which it was so appointed, namely to preserve, and indeed to procure, the mutual Happiness to the Parties, and make that Union effectual.
How impossible do we make this to our selves, when we invert the great End and Design even of God himself, who instituted and appointed it; and when we make the sacred Ordinance a retreat for Crime, a cover for our Excesses, and a protection to the most abominable Practices.
This is what I call abusing the state of Matrimony as well as dishonouring the Contract. Matrimony is not a single Act, but it is a Condition of Life, and therefore when People are new-married, they are said to have altered their Condition; it is a Series of Unity contracted by, and should be made up of agreeing Habits; where the Harmony is broken, the state of Life is abused; when the Parties cease to be united, and to be united too in that which is right, the Life is no more matrimonial; 'tis a Jargon of Speech, a Word without signification, to call it a matrimonial Life.
In the Contract the Parties bind themselves to live in this Harmony and state of Union; what else is understood by living according to GOD's holy Ordinance. How do they live according to a holy Ordinance, whose Conversation even towards one another, and with one another, pollutes and defiles the state of Life, and would the very Ordinance too, if that were possible?
How the Conversation between a Man and his Wife may and does pollute and defile the matrimonial State, (however strange such a thing may be) is the Subject of the following Chapters, where the Affirmative will, I doubt not, be clearly made out.