A Treatise concerning the Use and Abuse of the Marriage Bed/Chapter 3
CHAP. III.
HE Ends and Reason of Matrimony are assigned by our Church in the Office, or Introduction to the Office for marrying such Persons as may be lawfully join'd together; if I repeat them, I hope no Reproof can lie against me there; the most modest Virgin submits to be told, that the Reason of joining her self to a Man, is principally for the Procreation of Children; 'tis the Law of Generation given both to the Man and to the Woman at first; 'tis twisted with their very Natures, and placed among the first Principles of Life; and 'tis also the Law of God, given to Man imperatively at the same time that he joined to it his Blessing, Gen. i. 28. And GOD blessed them, and GOD said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth.
In this great Law of Matrimony is founded the utmost Intercourse and familiarity of the Sexes, by which all that Shyness, that modest Reserve and Restraint, all that which is called shamefacedness and blushing, even in the most modest and chast Virgin, is taken away; that is to say, so far only, and no farther, as respects her immediate Intimacy and Conversation with her own Husband; she freely strips off her cloths in the Room with him; and whereas she would not have shew'd him her Foot before, without her Shoe and Stocking on, she now, without the least Breach of Modesty, goes into what we call the naked Bed to him, and with him; lies in his Arms, and in his Bosom, and sleeps safely, and with security to her Virtue with him, all the Night: And this is her Place, her Property, her Privilege, exclusive of all others, for he is her own, and she is his; he is the covering of the Eyes to her, and she is called, in the sacred Text, the Wife of his Bosom; she has the only right to lodge there; it is her Retreat, the Repository of her Cares, as well as of her Delight, and of her Affection.
And if it is not thus with both or either of them, nay, if it was not thus before they married, let them flatter themselves as they please with the formal Marriage, or the formality of Matrimony, I insist they have violated the Laws of God and Man, in their coming together; violated their solemn Oath and Covenant to one another after coming together; and whatever they are in the Sense of the Law, they are really no Man and Wife at all in the Sense which I am giving of Things: Whether I am in the right or no, I refer to the Judgment of the impartial Part of sober Mankind.
Having said thus much by way of advance, I think 'tis necessary to take notice here how just it is, and indispensibly, nay, absolutely necessary to the Happiness of a married Life, that the Persons marrying should have not only an Acquainiance with one another before Marriage, but that they should be engaged to each other by a solid and durable Affection, professing to love, and not only professing but sincerely loving one another, above all other Persons; choosing and being the real choice of each other: This is not a small and trifling thing, it is the chief Article of Matrimony, tho' not included and asserted in the Contract, 'tis a thing of the utmost Consequence to the future Happiness of the Parties. However, as I purpose to speak to it again fully and at large, in a Part by it self, I only leave it here as a Memorandum proper to the Place, and reserve the rest to what shall come after. I return now to the Case of Matrimonial Liberty.
Having advanced thus much in favour of the utmost Freedoms between Man and Wife, and which I might enlarge upon, but that I believe there is really no Occasion; I think I grant as much in it as I need to do, in Condescension to the Proportion mentioned in the Introduction, namely, that there can be no Offence between a Man and his Wife, that Modesty is at an End, that 'tis cancelled by the very nature of the Thing, that all Things are Decent, all Things modest, all Things lawful between a Man and his Wife; all which, in a few Words, I deny, and insist, that there are several Things yet remaining, which stand as Boundaries and Limits to the Freedoms and Intimacies that are otherwise to be allowed between a Man and his Wife.
And first, I insist that these limitations of the conjugal Liberties are placed in the open View of both the Man and his Wife, by the Laws of Nature; so that both of them are furnished with Principles of Reluctance and Aversion, sufficient, if duly listen'd to, and if the Laws of Nature are obeyed, to arm them against any Breaches of those Laws. It is evident in many Cases, too many, had it not pleased God to suffer it to be so, that the Laws of Nature have a much stronger Influence upon us than the Laws of our Maker; and this is especially remarkable in those Cases, where the Laws of Nature seem to give some Latitudes which the Laws of God, and Institutions of his Providence, have thought fit to limit and restrain. For example;
The Laws of Nature dictate the propagation of Kind by the intercourse of Sexes; the Laws of God subsequent to those of Nature, limit and restrain the Particulars of this Propagation, namely, that the Man (by Man there is to be understood Man or Woman) should be allowed but one Woman at a time, that they be bound together by the sacred Bonds of Matrimony indissolvable, after once engaged in, and therefore sacred, and to be inviolably adhered to, and preserved by both Parties.
It is true, that there is a corrupt Principle inbred and indwelling, taking a kind of Possession, too much in Man's Nature, degenerated as it is by the Fall; this corrupt Principle dictates the Propagation of the Kind, that is, as a Law of Nature, but does it without regard to the limitations imposed by Heaven upon the Branches; that is to say, without entring into the Engagements of Matrimony, and this makes those Actions criminal, which otherwise would have been lawful; makes the Man commit a Crime in that very Action, which done under due Regulations and Limitations, that is to say, in Wedlock, would not only be lawful, but his commanded Duty.
It is the same afterwards; for example, when those Limitations are obeyed and submitted to, I mean, the Limitations of Matrimony, there are (as I have observed) yet farther Limitations, which the Laws of Nature concur with the Laws of God in, and which the Man is obliged to observe, tho' this corrupt Principle would fain evade and avoid them; these are such as I hinted to be contained in the Words Decency and Modesty: Now tho' much of the Obligation is taken off by the allowed Intimacies between a Man and his Wife, and a full and free Intercourse of Sexes is granted; yet I must be pardoned the liberty of saying, there are Bounds and Limitations of Decency, Modesty and Moderation, which stand as a Pale about even their matrimonial Liberties, and say to them both, in the midst of their greatest Endearments, Hitherto shall you go, and no farther.
As I am speaking to the married Persons only, in this Part, I need explain my self no farther than to say, there are Bounds and Measures, Times and Seasons, which Nature and Decency always will dictate to them, and will regulate too, and teach them to regulate between themselves their most intimate conjugal Delights and Embraces: These nothing but an Appetite criminally immoderate, and under no Government, no not of Reason, Religion, Philosophy, or common Sense, will trespass or break through.
I hope I have hitherto kept the Bounds of Decency, and given no Offence, though I am reproving one of the most notorious Breaches of conjugal Modesty; a thing even Nature her self abhors, tho' Nature vitiated may be said to be the Occasion of it; I say, Nature, under any just Regulation of Sense, Nature, abstracted from criminal Habits, abhors it; and, which is more, Nature speaks plainer in her Reproofs of that Crime than I dare do, while the Product of those impure and unlawful, however matrimonial Liberties, carry the indelible Marks of their Parents unhappy Excesses and Intemperances in their Faces, and on the blotch'd and bladdred Skin of their Posterity for many Years, nay, to their dying Days. As if Nature had declared to them, that she was able to shew her Resentment for the Breach of her tacit and secret Inhibitions; and that though they broke in upon her in secret by the power of an inflamed and vitiated Appetite, and thought themselves out of the reach of Punishment, yet that she was able to do her self Justice upon them, in a manner that they could not escape, and which should fix a lasting Infamy upon both the Offence and the Offender, by a Punishment which they should neither be able to avoid or to conceal.
I need explain my self no farther. Nature does it for me; and I have, by her Indulgence, a full liberty to touch this tender Part with the strictest Observation of my own Rules, since she has spoken it aloud, and has made the Crime of the Parent flagrant in the very Pictures of their Posterity.
How do such Children call upon their Parents to blush, every time they see the scrophulous Humours break out, in Scabs and Blisters upon the poor innocent Lamb's Faces? making them bear the unhappy Reproach of their Fathers and Mothers Conjugal Lewdness?
I need say no more to this, but to remind those that are guilty, that the more modest Brutes of the Forest, who obey the Laws of Sense, and follow the Dictates of meer Nature, do not ad thus: The Wild Ass, which the Scripture represents as the most vitiated ungoverned of all the Forest, yet the Text says, in her Months you shall find her; she has her Seasons, and so have all the rest of the beastly Creatures, and they all observe them strictly and suitably to the Reasons of Nature, Man and Woman only excepted.
This I call, and I think justly too, as it respects one Part only, a Branch of Matrimonial Whoredom, and thus I keep close to my Title.
I could load this Part with a throng of Examples, a cloud of self-condemned Witnesses, and some whose Stories I can the less bear to relate without blushing, because they are arrived to such a Pitch of wickedness as to make it publick themselves without shame. But, as I said above, Nature has printed upon the tainted poisoned Faces of their Posterities, such indelible Spots, has branded them with such Marks of Infamy, that I may say of them as was said in another Case, What need any farther Witnesses? Let L——— D——— of St. A———'s, the beautiful Lady ——— of ———, the modest and better taught Abr———, and more I could name, go home and see what havock this conjugal Lewdness has made among their otherwise pretty Families; I spare Names, because I desire the Reproof may be Matter of Reflection to themselves, rather than Scandal.
As to some others, who I could mention too both Christian and Sirname, and who richly deserve it; who are so far from Shame, that they make it every Day the boasts of their Coffee-house-chat, their Table-talk, and ordinary Conversation; I leave them to the dismal Time of Reproach, when those unhappy Children which they now are not ashamed to show one another as the Examples of their Wickedness, shall again remind them of it, and curse them to their Faces.
The Case indeed will not bear entering farther into Particulars; nor will it so much as allow the necessary Expostulations which I should otherwise make here with those married Christians, (for such I am talking to) who I would persuade to reflect upon it; 'tis hard, that neither the Case itself will bear an enquiring into, nor the Persons guilty bear to be talked to. How can any Persons who are really guilty of this conjugal Uncleanness, reproach an Author for the Sin of naming what they are not ashamed of doing? I look upon the Crime with Abhorrence, and I could refer you to the Scripture, where it is branded with a Title that deserves it; as I say, I look on the Crime with Abhorrence, so I add, that I look on the Persons with something beyond it, and can only add this of them, that as they were not to be touch'd under the Law, so they are not to be named under the Gospel. God would not take them for Jews till they were wash'd, and I sall never take them for Christians till they reform; let them read their Reproof at large in Levit. XV, to which I refer.
I cannot quit this Part without making some Reflections upon parallel Cases. I have heard some serious and learned Divines say, that it is a worse Crime, and deserves a severer Censure from Man, (observe they did not speak of what either of them merited above) for a Man and Woman under Promises of Marriage to lie together before the Marriage is compleated, than a simple or single Fornication between two who have no design of Matrimony, that is in short, between what we ordinarily call a Whore and a Rogue; and I confess, though at first I hesitated a little at it, I am fully satisfied it is so; and the Reasons the said serious Divines gave me confirm me in that Opinion.
For a Man to commit a single Fornication, say they, he Sins, against God, and his own Soul, there is no Room to deny that; the Scripture is clear, and the Laws of God and Man concur in the Censure, as they do in the Prohibition: But for a Man to make a Whore of the very Woman who he intends and really designs to make his Wife, or, in plain English, to make a Whore of his Wife; he defiles his own Bed, pollutes his own Seed, spreads Bastardy in his own Race, and shews a most wicked vitiated Appetite, that could not with-hold himself from her meerly as a Woman, till the Performance of a lawful Marriage might make it seasonable, as well as lawful; such a Man satisfies the brutal Part at the expence of his Wife's Fame, his Child's Legitimacy, and to the scandal and offence of all good People that shall hear it, and who cannot name it without pity, or abhorrence, on account of the Circumstances.
This is the Case indeed, where a Man acts such a wicked and scandalous Part; he apparently exposes and dishonours his Wife, as well as himself; nor is it sufficient to say, that the Woman dishonours her self too, or that there is much more of the Blame lies on him than on her; for as she sufficiently bears her Share of the Reproach, so she bears more of the Scandal, than the Man; nay, she exposes her self, not to the World only, but to her Husband afterward; and much might be said to that: Nor is it out of the question, for it is indeed a Matrimonial Whoredom in the literal Sense.
But as such I shall speak of it again. I am now naming it as it is a parallel Case to that 1 had been just now speaking of, wherein there is a just equality, and a proportion of Particulars very apposite to one another; for here is a horrid Complication of the like Crimes, the Man defiles his own Bed, exposes his own Wife, contaminates and corrupts his own Blood, spreads Distempers and Poison upon his own Race, and all this from one of the grossest Pieces of Immodesty, and worst of Brutality, that can be express'd in Words; an infamous kind of eagerness or appetite, ungovernable by his Reason, being unable (or pretending to be so at least) to with-hold himself from her till other Particulars might take off the little Restraints, and leave him at liberty.
Let such Men go not to the Forest and the Beasts only, for they act from a much better Motion, but to the more rational, more moderate and better governed Savages of the Indies, East or West, to the Negroes of Africa, the Potiguara's of Brasile, nay, to the very Hottentots of Monomotapa, and the Cape of Good Hope; they will find Reason and Nature too prevails among them to act quite otherwise, and that while Reason and Nature concur in arming them against it, so they more punctually obey the command of both, and have this horrid Practice in the greatest detestation. But here, let us blush, and say no more, for no modest Language can fully express it.
I return to the Principle, which is the Proposition in this Chapter, That there is a needful Modesty and Decency requisite even between a Man and his Wife after Marriage, and not destroyed by their Matrimony. Certainly People do not by Matrimony cease to be Men and Women, nor do the Man and Woman cease to be rational Creatures, much less do they cease to be Christians: let every marry'd Couple remember those three Things, and I am fully assured they will take care not to deserve the Reproof of this Chapter.
This is then that Circumstance in the married State, where, I say, a Reserve is placed between the Sexes, even between the Man and his Wife; where that which we call Modesty remains as an indelible Bond upon them both, even after Marriage: They that say there is no Modesty to be named after Matrimony, but that there is a perfect unlimited and unbounded Liberty on both Sides, either do not know, or do not rightly consider the Laws of Nature, the Constitution Bonds, which, as Matrimony does not remove from the Sexes, so neither does it remove the Obligation from either Sex to regard them. One would think indeed the Power of Nature should be such, and the Sense of these things be so plainly stampt in the Minds of reasonable Creatures, that there should be no need, or indeed room for the Caution. But as the Breach of this Law, however scandalous, is so visible among us, it merits to stand foremost among the conjugal Crimes I am now to reprove.
I foresee what some of my merry Readers will think they are to hear of next, viz. that I shall preach Lectures of matrimonial Moderation or Satyrize some of their boasted Excesses, but they will be unhappily disappointed, my Care of avoiding to reprove in Words at length, what some of them are not ashamed to boast of in Words at length, will perhaps leave some People to go more unreproved than they deserve.
Yet let J——— A——— take a modest Hint upon the grossest Indecency of that kind, which this Part of the Town has ever shown, and which he acted in light and hearing of more of his Friends than approved the scandalous Practice; when, with the grossest Immodesty, he gave the detail of his Marriage Night's Performances, to a grave and eminent Magistrate of the City upon the open Exchange, and was handsomely reproved and exposed for it, as he deserved. When Men glory in their Shame, they make Indecencies of that which might otherwise not be such, and they break the Rules of Modesty without Doors, when perhaps they did not within. But this Part of the Satyr goes no farther than the Fact, I return to the Subject it self.
Every wise Man would act the Part of a wise Man, were there no Law to restrain him. Prudence dictates to Men of Prudence, and Modesty to Men of Modesty; the great Law of Matrimony is a strict Union of the Persons; this Union extends to many other Things, as well as to the Union of Sexes, and, among the rest, there is, or should be, a Union of Kindness moving to a gentle and tender using one another in Matters of Civility and Courtesy, as well as in Matters of Modesty. Certainly the Rules of Civility are not abolished by Matrimony; Should not the Man and his Wife be civil and just to one another, because they may be free? That's a strange Freedom that obliges us to be rude and disobliging.
Now these Rules of Decency which, I say, are not destroyed by Matrimony, extend to many things even between a Man and his Wife, which I have not yet mentioned, and which I have with regret observed to be broken into by some who had been better taught, and who ought to have known by the Laws of good Manners how to have acted after another sort; the Branches I point at now may be touched more closely, and will admit of speaking plainer English than those I have just now mentioned; and though the Immodesty may in many Things be as great, and that it comes from, the same corrupt, vicious Original, either in the Man or the Woman, yet they are not express'd in so open and so scandalous and offensive Terms.
The first Case is, when either the Man or Woman make injurious Reproaches upon one another for natural or accidental Infirmities, incapacitating them to answer and satisfy mutual Expectation; that is to say, to answer conjugal Duties; and this more especially when those Infirmities have not been Ante-matrimonial, not before Marriage, but occasioned by Distemper or Disaster afterward, and those Distempers or Disasters such as are truly casual, and to be honestly accounted for. There must certainly be a great defect of Modesty in the Man or the Woman, who can reproach the Wife or the Husband in such a Case as this.
A Lady, whose Name I reflect on with disdain, but conceal it in Charity, after having had five fine Children by her Husband, having, tho' with Civility too, been deny'd something which she desired, and which he thought a little too expensive for his Circumstances, after some warm Words, but less criminal, turned from him with scorn, and told him, he might let it alone since he was grown so saving she would not accept of it now, he might keep it for his next Child.
The Gentleman had about two Years before had a Fit of Sickness, which had brought him very low, and by which he was grown a little Paralitick, how it affected his natural Powers, could not perhaps be understood so well by any Body as by his Wife: But supposing the worst, it was not without the utmost Breach of Decency and Modesty, supposing none to have been present but themselves, that she could reproach him with that Part of it in such a manner; but it was infinitely more so, and she was inexcusably guilty, that she did it in the hearing of others, and with some kind of Additions of Banter and Raillery too, which sat very ill upon her Tongue at that time.
It is true, the Folly of it retorted exceedingly upon her Fame, and soon got into the Mouths of some of her satyrical Neighbours, who failed, not to make her very angry, I had rather I could have said ashamed, upon hearing of it again: But it had no Effect upon her as to her Conduct to him, nor could the refrain doubling her Reproaches between themselves, which her Husband, being a Man of Spirit, resented to the highest Degree: This put an end to all conjugal Kindness between them, and ruined their Family-Peace, till she at length made him her Jest, and that in Company too; yet she got nothing by him this Way neither; for he taking the Jest with a smile of Contempt, as indeed it deserved, frequently answered, that he would hire her a Journeyman, since she took such Care to let every Body know she had Occasion for one, that if one was not enough for her, as he thought it would not, he would provide her two or three, that, if it were possible, she might be satisfied, though he very much doubted it. This was very bitter upon her, 'tis true, but she extorted it from him; indeed till he took this Course with her, he could by no Persuasions, by no Arguments, nor by any Ways that he could use, prevail with her to hold her Tongue, nor indeed did those Reproaches, however severe, put an End to it, but they went on continually bantering and making a Jest of one another, and such like undecent and unkind Things as these pass'd so openly, and so often between them, that at length it occasioned a Separation for a time, and the Husband being too hard for her, it ruined her Character and Reputation, and though it did not her Virtue, as those believed who had Charity for the Lady, and I, among the rest, yet she retained the Blot of it almost as much as if she had had the guilt, and that as long as she lived.
These are some of the Things which Modesty and Decency forbids between a Man and his Wife; the contrary is a Debt to conjugal Affection on one hand, and to Laws of Decency and good Manners on the other, both which no matrimonial Familiarities or Intimacies can destroy.
And here give me leave to observe, though not with the same Reflection, and without any Satyr upon the Thing as Criminal and Immodest; that, however the matrimonial Intimacies between a Man and his Wife, may discharge them of much of the Bondage of Ceremony in their Conversation, yet I can by no means agree, that because a Woman has given her self up to him without any reserve, all tenderness and regard to her as a Woman, and all distinction in Company should be taken away; that she should have no respect shown to her in whatever Circumstances she is considered, but, on the contrary, that therefore her Husband should treat her with Rudeness and Indecency, want of Manners, and even of Respects ever after. There are some remains certainly of the first Civilities due to the Wife after Marriage, which were paid to her in her distant Circumstances, as a Maid, before, and in the time of Courtship; and unless the Wife her self forfeit them by any brutish disobliging Things on her Side, they are not entirely obliterated by Matrimony, no not to the last.
On this Account, though I cannot say that a Life of Ceremony between Man and Wife should be recommended, yet certainly a Life of Civility should; they say that Ceremony destroys Affection, and, in some respects, I don't know but it may, and when we see a Man and his Wife, however great, always bowing and scraping and sinking to one another, we are apt to say there's more Manners than Affection between them.
But on the other hand, when the Husband and Wife are so far from treating one another with Ceremony, that they cannot keep up common Civility, but that they treat one another with Disdain and Contempt, there's a certain loss both of Affection and good Manners too.
For this Reason I would advise all the good Husbands and Wives that will accept that Advice, never to mingle their Discourses, especially before Company, with Raillery and Jest upon one another; when a Woman once comes to make a Jest of her Husband, she is lost, she is gone; and when the Man makes a Jest of his Wife he is a going, at least in my Opinion: I shall explain the Words gone and going presently; when a Man makes a Jest of his Wife every Body believes he hates her; when the Woman makes a Jest of her Husband, they believe she cuckolds him.
At least 'tis a fatal Sign that all conjugal Affection is dead and buried from between them. I frequently visited my Friend M———, when his Wife and he had been married about two Years, but I was most irksomely entertained every time with his Banters and Turns of Wit, his Sarcasms, Jests, and indeed Buffoonry, all upon his Wife; I observed at first she took it well enough, and now and then gave him a smart return, which was not to his Advantage; for she had a World of Wit, but her Modesty and Sense convinced her, without any Bodies reproof, that it was no Part for a Wife to act; that her Husband was wrong in it, and sometimes that would fetch some Tears from her: But she would not imitate that in Practice which she thought so ill became her Husband, so she bore it all as an Affliction.
I had in Friendship several times gently hinted to Mr. M———, that I thought he was too hard upon his Lady, that he knew she was a Woman of good Breeding, and had an uncommon share both of Wit and good Humour; but he might easily see she was not pleased with it, and that he seemed really to oppress her with it.
However, he went on, and putting one time very hard upon something in her Behaviour, which he pretended not to like, though really without Cause; she coloured at his Words, which shiew'd she resented them, and was mov'd; but she immediately recovered her self, and keeping back all her Resentment, she, with an inexpressible Goodness in her Face, and a Smile, said to him, My Dear, you would like it in any Body but your Wife.
I was indeed surprized at it, but her Husband much more; and after the Conversation was over, he came to me eager to speak: Well, says he, you heard what a Blow my Wife gave me; I acknowledge she has conquered me; I should have really liked it if it had been any one else, and I was entirely wrong; but I'll take your Advice, a Man should never make a common Jest of his Wife, and I'll do it no more I assure you.
I was mightily pleased to see the Effect it had upon him; for this Humour of jesting with his Wife, or rather making her the constant Subject of Ridicule and Jest, came up to this at last, that she could do nothing that would please him; but, in short, every thing that his Wife did was to be laught at, because his Wife was to be laught at.
This is the familiarity which the Proverb says breed Contempt, and it does so; for Men presently jest away their Respect for their Wives, and after that their Affection; though Ceremony between Man and Wife lessens Affection, or rather shews it was wanting before, yet Affection does by no means lessen Civility, Ceremony may lessen Affection, but Disrespect murthers it, strangles it. A Man can never pretend to love his Wife and have no Respect for her at the same time; that would be to love her, and not to love her altogether, which is incongruous in its Nature.
Mirth between a Husband and Wife is the heighth of Affection, but that's no Mirth that is always running down, bantering and playing the Buffoon with his Wife; a chearful Affection is the Beauty of a conjugal State; but what Chearfulness is there in making a Banter and Jest of one another, what Mirth when they make game, not with one another only, but at one another.
It is really an odd kind of Conversation between a Man and his Wife, when they come into publick Company, to have them turn their Drollery one upon another, and run out in Banters against themselves; the World will not fail to make a Jest of those who first make a Jest of themselves, and to take all the Jokes, Turns and Returns which they pass upon one another, to be founded upon Fact, and that every Jest so rais'd is a true Jest; in short, 'tis a most preposterous Piece of Folly, and deserves more Satyr than I have Room to bestow upon it here; I may speak of it again in its Place.
I knew a Couple of married Wits who frequently jelled thus with one another till they quarrelled, and indeed, it generally ended in a Quarrel; when it was come up to its highth, they went to their separate Apartments, and perhaps did not see one another for several Weeks, one living at one End of the House, and the other at t'other End; half a dozen times a Day, or more, they would send Letters to one another, filled with bantering bitter Sarcasms and Satyrs, sometimes in Verse, in Song and in Distichs, other times in Prose, with scandalous Reproaches, filled with immodest Expressions of the vilest Sort, and not fit to be repeated, unless I should break the Rules I have prescribed both to my self and others.
In this manner they would sometimes live for a Month or two together, never sparing to give the utmost Provocation, and to receive it with the extreamest Indignation, till they run one another out of Breath with their ill Usage; and then, as Storms, when they have spent their Strength, and their Fury is abated, it would gradually wear off, the Fire and Brimstone being exhausted, they would begin to cool again, and so come with as little Ceremony to an Accommodation, as they had with little Decency fallen out.
What need is there of abundance of Discretion as well as Affection between a Man and Wife, to preserve the Rules of Decency, and to keep up the Bounds of Modesty in their Family-Conversation? This is a Reason why it is so essential to Matrimony, that the Persons should be Lovers as well as Relatives, that there should be an engaged assured Affection before there be a Political Union between them: Without this 'tis very difficult to render the married State a Scene of happy Circumstances, and a Condition truly calculated for humane Society; but of that also in its Order, for I must give you a whole Chapter upon that Head.
Justice is another of the Particulars which Decency still requires between a Man and his Wife; he is far from acting decently with a Wife that will not on all Occasions do her Justice: To be injurious to a Wife destroys all Family-Peace between them; and whether this Injustice be occasioned by and relating to Matters of Property, or Matters of Duty, 'tis all the same; there is no Decency can be preserved where Justice is not done; if the Wife be oppressed, if her Right and Allowances expresly capitulated for are unjustly detained from her, or if she be any way stript, either of her Ornaments, or of her Settlements, these are injurious things which destroy Affection, and the destroying of Affection ruins the Peace of the Family.
But I am a little gone beyond my Subject, which relates only to personal Virtue, and the Reserves which Modesty still makes necessary between a Man and his Wife; and there are some Things even of that kind which still remain. It is true, some of them are such as cannot bear the mentioning without Breach of the Modesty which I am speaking to protect, and breaking into those Bounds which I resοlve not to offend against: Other Things may be so explained as to be understood by those, especially to whom they belong, for the guilty will see the Arrow shot at them which others cannot perceive.
The Indecencies and Immodesties of the Tongue deserve a Place here, and I insist that, even between a Man and his Wife, there are due Bounds to be observed in both these, especially when they speak not only to, but of one another in the hearing of others.
There is a Modesty of the Tongue which never forsakes a Woman of Virtue, no not in her most intimate conversing with her own Husband, but much more at other times; all Breaches of this kind touch even her Virtue it self, and are Branches of that which I call conjugal Lewdness, which is to be carefully avoided among Christians.
Nor is the Man exempted from this Modesty of the Tongue, not only with his Wife, but especially when of or to his Wife before Company: Nothing is more unworthy a modest and Christian Man than to talk lewdly of, or to his Wife before Company; a Man ought never to force Blushes from his Wife on account of their own Privacies and Intimacies; this is to make those Things criminal which in themselves are lawful. I know not any one Thing that fits worse upon a Man's Tongue than to laugh at, jeer, and flout his Wife with what had pass'd between them in their retired Conversations, and this before other People; 'tis the most odious, hateful, and, to a modest Ear, nauseous, of all Discourse, and yet nothing is more frequent, and even among People of Figure too, which, I must confess, I have often wondered at, considering the Pretences we now make to polite Conversation.
Besides, 'tis a Breach of Decency as it respects his Wife of the vilest and most scandalous kind, and if she is a modest and virtuous Woman, as well as a good Wife, is sufficient to make her abhor his Society, and to refuse to appear in Company with him, even in his own House, nay, and if continued, will not fail in time to make her hate him, which is the worst Condition an honest Man can ever wish to be in with a Wife.
It must be confessed 'tis a wife Man's Business after Matrimony, by all means possible to preserve the Affection of his Wife entire, to engross her to him, and to make and keep himself the single and entire Object of her best Thoughts. If she is once brought to hate him, to have an aversion to him, to loath and abhor him, she must have an uncommon Stock of Virtue, and be more a Christian than he ought to expect of her, if she does not single out some other Object of her Affection; and can a Man think his Wife, who is thus every Day disobliged, in the grossest manner ill used, and, in spite of her Resentments, exposed to be laught at by him, will long preserve an inviolable Affection to him; but I may touch this again.
I return to the Subject. There are yet greater Offences against Modesty than these; As I said above, that giving unjust Retorts, and making unkind and indecent Reproaches in case of casual or accidental Weakness and Impotence, are scandalous Breaches of Modesty between a Man and his Wife. So besides this, there are yet a numberless Variety of Violences, as I may call them, committed, likes Rapes upon Nature, in which nothing is more frequent than for a Husband to press a Wife to such and such Things as Morality and Modesty forbids.
This is highly injurious to the conjugal Affection, and exposes the Person guilty to a just Censure, nay, even to the Censure mentioned of Matrimonial Whoredom. Whether these Excesses or Violences consist in Negatives, or in Affirmatives, they are in their kind equally criminal.
It must be confessed that Language is wanting here, and Words cannot fully express the meaning, so as to preserve the Decency I profess; and I may be asked what I mean when I cannot explain it, not for want of knowing my own meaning, but for want of Words to express it; and therefore, as above, I choose to be silent, 1'11 come as near the Case as I can without giving offence, and what cannot be said with Decency must be omitted; I had said, that personal Weaknesses and Infirmities on either Side ought not to be retorted between a Man and his Wife, much less exposed, so I now say, they much less ought to be oppress'd on that Account.
N. B. I am speaking now, not of natural and original Impotencies, which, being before Marriage, ought to have been discovered, and which our Law makes sufficient to dissolve the Contract, and separate the Persons.
There has been foul Work enough made with these Things in print by particular, lewd, and obscene Publications, which modest Ears are sick of, and the Nation mourns for the Offence of it; but my Discourse looks quite another Way.
Besides, our Office of Matrimony solemnly charges and adjures the Persons who come to be joined together, that if they know any such Impediments they should declare them at that time; and, in a manner, protests against the Validity of the Marriage in Case of a failure, and therefore and from that very Protest, such Marriages are afterwards frequently made void by Parliament.
But as the Subject of my Observation is more nice, so it is also more modest, and may with more decency be considered of. The Infirmities on either Side which human Body is subject to are many; I distinguish them not here, only that I profess to mean such Infirmities as regard the Sexes only, Physicians, Acouchers or Surgeons, and Anatomists understand, and can describe them; 'tis none of my Business, much less my Design.
It frequently does, or at least may happen, that when a young Couple come together their Constitutions may, as too often their Tempers may and do, differ from one another, with respect to these Things, to the greatest Extreme; one is weak, faint, the Spirits low, Nature unable to answer what is expected; another perhaps is reduced by Child-bearing, too thick and and too long together, by Accidents in often hard and difficult Travels, Injuries received by unskilful Hands, or many other Incidents and Circumstances not to be named; by these, I say, the Person is reduced, debillitated, and render'd unfit to give the Satisfaction which has formerly been found: On the other hand, the Man is reduced by a tedious, lingring decay, which Physicians call a Consumption; or by other acute Distempers, which he can, as is said before, account for without Scandal; and to which Men are as frequently subject, and as much disabled by them, as Women are in the Cases mentioned just now; such as Stone, Gout, Palsies, Epilepsies, Rheumaticks, Dropsies, and such like.
If either or any of these Circumstances in Man or Woman happens, where they are joined respectively to another that is strong, robust, in perfect vigour, the Spirits high, the Blood hot, and perhaps boiling; Nature forward, and craving Desire unsatisfied; I need go no farther to explain it; What wretched Work does this cause between the ill-match'd Couple? I can openly say I know a beautiful young Lady after bringing her Husband several Children, yet actually destroyed, I might have said murthered, by these conjugal Violences, to say no worse of them; and I make no difference 'tis the same on the other Side; many a Man sinks under the Weight of his own Deficiencies; he is ashamed to decline the Duty of the Marriage-bed, disdains to be thought unable to satisfy, &c.
I can go no farther, and the Reader will excuse the Interruption. I refer you to a stated and acknowledged Declaration in the Case, and which is direct to my purpose; and tho' it is among the Turks, yet the reason of the Practice is not the less or the more. The Turks think this very Case, whether of the Man's Side or the Woman's, to be so weighty, as that it deserves the interposition of Authority; The Grand Visier in Person, where he can be applied to, and in more extraordinary Cases hears the Causes himself; in other Cases the graver Kadeleschers, and Judges determine it, where both the Man and Wife are fully examined, and Judgment given as the Circumstances require. I am assured also, that Judgment is given in those Cases, not in a ludicrous manner with game and sport, and a Court, or rather Croud, standing round, to laugh and make a jest either of one Side or other; but with a solemn Gravity, suitable at least to the Dignity of the Judge who passes the Sentence, and to the Reverence which both Sides pay to the Laws themselves.
Nor is the Method wholly Turkish, and to be objected against as a Piece of Mahometan Original; but 'tis founded upon the antient usage of all the Eastern Countries, in whose Customs it is to be found, though with some Variation, even as far back as the Phencian and Carthaginian Empires, and as the Egyptian and Persian Government and Monarchies. Hence the Phrase made use of in the Scripture by the Apostle Paul, called Due Benevolence, on one hand is commanded; while on the other hand Chambering and Wantonness, which is suppos'd to relate to the pretended lawful Intimacies between a Man and his Wife are forbidden.
It may be expected I should explain my self upon those Scripture Expressions, and there is sufficient room for it, and that with decency too; but I resolve not to come to the brink of the Offence, nor shall the Reader be able to say, I go all the length I might go.
The Scripture Expressions are expounded by the Reverend and Learned Annotators, and to them I refer; and as to the Courts of Justice under the Grand Seignior, deciding such Cases as these, where Complaints are made by either Sex, I could give large Accounts of them, but they would break in upon me in the grand Difficulty, and offend the Reader; except a Sort who I am not at this time about to please. Here therefore you must allow me to omit a large and, in its kind, useful Part of the Design it self, namely, the Reproof of scandalous Violences on both Sides even in the Marriage Intimacies, which cannot be spoken of with Decency, and therefore must go unreproved. One would hope it is a sufficient Reproof to those who understand what I mean.
We are but too forward to say, that no one ought to prohibit what God has not prohibited; that what is lawful may lawfully be done, where Nature dictates, say they, and Heaven has not forbid, what can be pretended, that the Rule of Modesty is express'd by Mr. Dryden thus:
"By Nature prompted, by no Law deny'd,
That all things within that Compass are to be allowed, and to restrain farther, is to bind heavy Burthens, which we will not bear our selves.
But my answer is short, where-ever an unrestrained Liberty seems to be given, yet we ought to remember that God gave his Laws to us as to reasonable Creatures, not as to Brutes; that we are to act in no Cases out of the Bounds of Reason and Justice, no nor of Modesty and Decency; if the Circumstances of it seem to be left to our Discretion, that Discretion should be limited by our reasoning Powers; if the Man or Woman, for I speak of, and to both, will tell me, that in the Extasies of their Passion, or Affection, or Appetite, or call it what you will, they are at liberty to lay aside the use of Reason, and act unlike a Man, or a Christian, or even a Brute; that he is to be a Fury, outrageous, unsatisfied, and entirely out even of his own Government; That he or she is to lay aside all Considerations for the she or he they are concerned withal; all compassion for Circumstances, Infirmities, Weakness, &c of whatsoever kind, or proceeding from whatsoever Cause; that they are at liberty thus to be furious, and to act meerly in gratification of their own Pleasures, without any other or better Consideration, and to do whatever they think fit in the pursuit of their present gust of Appetite, even to the ruin and destruction of the Husband or Wife; I say, if this can be made appear to be just, then I am answered.
But if not, then Reason, and Modesty, and Virtue ought to be listened to; and the cravings of Nature, if they are extravagant, should be governed by the Rules which Nature is subjected to. The thing is a Disease and a Distemper in it self; and though it may be called Constitution and Nature, 'tis a mistake; 'tis not Constitution, but a Plague in the Constitution; 'tis a kind of Fever or Calenture in the Blood; 'tis, in a word, to carry it no farther, a Frenzy in the Creature; whether in the Head or elsewhere, is not to the purpose, but such it is, and they ought to apply to Art, I mean Physick, to abate the Acrimony of their Blood, restrain the Excesses of high feeding, hard drinking, and luxurious living; reducing themselves at least so, as to bring under the Flesh; bring Nature under the Government of Reafon, and, in short, bring the Body under the command of the Soul, for that is the whole Case.
I might give some Examples of this Moderation as it has been happily practised among Christians in our Age, and that even among Men of the highest Rank, and above the Restraint of Laws. Take one particular Relation which I had from an unquestionable Author, that is to say, from a grave Minister who had been conversant in the very Houshold, and the Truth of whose Relation I cannot doubt. "There was a certain reigning Prince not long ago alive in the World; I do not say there are many such left, who after having had five Sons, and most of them Men of Fame as well as high Birth, and still living, had this particular Circumstance attending his Marriage-bed; his Princess was reduced to such Weakness, by frequent Child-bearing, that she was not able to receive the Embraces of her Lord without the utmost Extremity of Pain and Disorder; and it went so far, that she was at last obliged to discover it to him, but did it with so much Modesty and Goodness, that she offered him to consent to his taking any other Lady, which he might approve of to supply her Place.
"She insisted upon the reasonableness of it, and that she believed her consenting to it, and from such evident necessity, might make it lawful; nay, she press'd the Prince to it very earnestly, offering her self to find out an agreeable Person for him, and to bring her to him.
"The generous Prince received her first Declaration, intimating her own Weakness and Infirmity, with a concern of Pity and Affection as became a tender Husband, which he always had been to her, and assured her he would not oppress her, or offer any thing to injure or disorder her. He smiled at her Proposal, but told her, No; since Providence had thought fit to deny him the satisfaction he used to have in the Embraces cf his own Wife, he hoped he was so much of a Christian as not to break God's Laws to gratify natural Desires; and that he had so much the Government of himself also as not to let his Appetite get the Mastery of his Reason; and with this noble Resolution declined the Offer his Wife made him of another Lady, and kept himself single, as it may be called, to the last.
I give this, among many Examples, wherein conjugal Modesty has been preserved, and the Example is moving. The Prince I mention was in the highth of his Strength, the prime of his Age, between the Age of thirty and forty; strong, vigorous, full of Fire in the Field, and, in proportion, elsewhere; the Thing was an Accident, and to Nature was doubtless a Disappointment; but the Christian prevailed above the Youth; Reason conquered Nature, and that Reason had the Government of all his Inclinations.
Certainly we are to act according to our Reason and our Understanding in all Cases, where the Laws either of God or Man leave us at liberty; nay, those Laws seeming to leave us at full liberty, give the stronger Force to the Government of our Reason; They seem not to say you are in this left to what your own Will directs, but the Language of the Law of Nature it self, and of the subsequent Laws of God in the same Case is. Here you are left to act as Reason and Religion shall direct, and as the Circumstances that may happen shall make reasonable.
The Excesses and Extremes of our Passions are in almost all Cases the scandal of the rational Life, the principal Cause of which is, because Reason is given to Man as a guard to him against all the Exorbitances of Nature. Reason is the Rule of Life to a Man, as Religion is to Christians; he that is not guided by the last is an Infidel, as he that is not governed by the first is a Brute. 'Tis a shame to a Man that wears about him a Soul, to say, that he is not guided by his Reason; as 'tis a shame to a Christian to say, he is not guided by the Principles and Dictates of Religion.
As Reason therefore is our guide in Matters subjected to its Laws, so in this more particularly, namely, in governing and directing our Affections, our Appetites, our Passions, and our Desires: Take it in more indifferent and ordinary Cases, we are allowed to Eat and Drink, God gave the Blessings and Encrease of the Field to Man; He is, under his Maker, the Lord of the World, and he is left at full liberty not only to supply his Necessity, his Hunger and Thirst, but he is at liberty to solace himself with his Food, and eat or drink what is most agreeable to his Palate: But as Reason is the guide of his Appetite, so far as to direct him hew much to eat or drink upon all Occasions, so he that gorges himself beyond what is reasonable, exposes himself to the just Censure of a brutal Appetite; thus, in all other Cases, a Man out of the government of his Reason is, in a word, a Monster rather than a Man.
Methinks the modest Reader may take this as it is intended, viz. to extend to the Exercise of a brutal ungoverned Appetite, in any other Case, to which this of eating and drinking is apposite, and may apply it suitably, though Decency forbids me to do it.
We should all blush to be told, in other Cases, that we had no Government of our selves; that we were insatiably Covetous, or unboundedly Ambitious, or Vain, and much more should we have reason to blush, as being insatiable in any other Appetite.
Decency also puts another Difficulty upon me here, viz. it obliges me to speak of this Article, as if the Man was the only guilty Person, and that the Modesty of the Woman was a sufficient restraint to her upon all Occasions: Nor will I make so much as an attempt in Prejudice of that Charity; if it happen otherwise on any Occasion 'tis so much the worse, because, I think, of the two, the Extream on that Side is the most fatal, as well as shameful.
There is a Part of this Circumstance, which, as it is necessary to be mentioned, so it may be mentioned without Offence, tho' it regards even the nicest Branch of the Argument; and that is, How fatal this Exorbitance is, when it meets, not as it were in a kind of Conjunction, as where neither the Man or the Woman have the Government of themselves; but where the Extream is on one Side only, with a coldness and indifferency equally extream on the other; I say, this may be mentioned without offence, because it must not be deny'd but there is an Error both ways, of which Reason as well as Duty and Affection, are to be the Directors and Guides: It is, no doubt, a Duty on both Sides to yield, to please, and oblige one another, where no just Objections are to be made; and those Husbands or Wives who decline one another criminally, ought to consider the matrimonial Vow and Duty in all its Particulars; but especially upon the ill Consequences which such a Coldness may produce; which, though not justifiable at all in the Person that may so fly out, yet 'tis what we ought to avoid, as we are not to lead one another into Temptations; and this is one of the Things which, as I said, those Courts of particular Justice take cognisance of among the Turks, But of this more at large in its Order. I am now chiefly talking of the Extreams of the first kind, and of an unrestrained Brutality.
I bury all the hateful Particulars which these Reproofs are pointed at, in the respect I preserve for decency of Expression; and conclude with saying, that those Branches of conjugal Disorder are the scandal of the Marriage Bed; every Christian, as well as every prudent and wise Man, will be ashamed, to think he should want a hint to restrain himself. As to the brutal World; Men and Women who give a loose to their Desires, of whatever kind, and hate all Mortifications; who despise Restraint and Rules; that scorn to think they want Advice, and are above Reproof; I have one Hint more for such, and that is this, let them go on and act with a full Gust; let them strain Nature to the utmost; and let them see whether if the Laws of God or Man do not restrain them or punish them, Nature her self will not complain, openly expose them, and make them confess the Crime when it is to be read in their Punishment.
Whence come Palsies and Epilepsies, Falling-Sickness, trembling of the Joints, pale dejected Aspects, Leanness, and at last Rottenness, and other filthy and loathsome Distempers, but from the criminal Excesses of their younger times? 'Tis not enough to say that it was lawful, and they made use of none but their own Wives; the natural Course of things go on their own way; Nature's Streams flow all in the same Channels; if the Fountain is drawn dry, if the Vitals are exhausted, the Engines of Nature worked with unreasonable Violence, the Parts feel the same unreasonable Force, and the Consequences will be the same, whether the Facts were justifiable, and lawful in themselves or not.
Thus, as above, 'tis lawful to eat and drink; and the Kinds and Quantities of Food which we are to eat are perfectly left to our own Discretion; nay, we are left, as I have said, even to regale and divert our selves both with Eating and Drinking. But the Epicure, who gives himself all manner of Liberties, that gives a loose to the gust of his Appetite, that gorges his Stomach with rich Sauces and surfeiting Dainties, that rather devours than feeds upon what is before him, and knows no Bounds to his eating but the meer mathematical Dimensions of his Bowels: What comes of him? He swells up with Fat, is over-run with Rheums, Catarrhs, and all scorbutick Distempers, and at last sinks under the Weight of his own Bulk, is choaked with the very Food he eats, and dies in the middle of his dainty Meats: and the Drunkard, gorged with Wine, does the same.
Thus they destroy themselves in the use of lawful Things, or, if you please, in the abuse of them; and while they please themselves with having been doing nothing but what it was lawful to do, they perish in the Excesses of it, and murther themselves by the unlawful doing of lawful Actions.
In the same manner, those Men who pretend there are no limitations of Modesty between a Man and his Wife, that their Reason is not needful to be called in to the Government of their Appetite, but that they are at liberty to act in all Things as meer ungoverned Nature, however vitiated, shall direct. What Effects do they ordinarily find of it, and where does it end? How do we find them loaded with Diseases, contract early Infirmities? How does exhausted Nature feel the secret Defects, and how hard do they find it to recover the Vigour and Strength which they have push'd to the utmost, in a thoughtless Excess?
Nay, How often does the boiling Blood ferment into Fevers, Ulcers, and the most incurable Diseases? How do the vital Parts feel the Wound, till the Dart strike through the Liver, as Solomon most excellently describes it; and the dismal Consequences seldom End but in the Grave? Nor is that all, but the tottering Head, the Rheums, Catarrhs, the Fluxes, Inflammations, and all the fatal Consequences of an ungoverned vitiated Youth, how often and generally do they appear so openly, that 'tis easy, especially to Men of Judgment, to read the Cause in the Consequences, the Sin in the Punishments? nay, some will tell you, that even the foul Disease it self, has been the Effect of immoderate Heats and Surfeitings of the Blood, without what we call Contamination or Infection from others, and where none other has been concerned but the Man and his Wife singly and alone.
If I were at liberty to explain myself upon this nauseous Subject, I could, from clear and rational Consequences, convince the ungoverned Criminal, how he lays the Foundation of the ruin of his Constitution, how he poisons his Blood, and spreads the corrupt Seeds of Disease into the very Veins of his Posterity; but the Occasion is too foul for my Pen: Let it suffice to admonish Christians, and Men of Sense, that they should remember they are so; that they have reasoning Powers to assist them in subduing their inordinate Heats; that they should summon Virtue and Modesty, Reason and Christianity to their aid, and act in all Things agreeable to reasonable Beings, not like enraged Lunaticks, though they are not under the restraint of Laws.
They are greatly mistaken likewise who expect I should give Rules here, and prescribe to them what I mean by Modesty and Moderation in each Things as these; in short, such would please themselves if they could bring me to enter into Particulars of any kind, on one Side or other, for they love to dwell upon the Story. But Verb. Sap. Sat. 'Tis enough; I have pointed out the Crime as far as Decency will permit, the Bounds are easily prescribed, so as a common Understanding may reach them; Reason will tell you where the Limits are to be placed between lawful and unlawful; as follows, namely.
No Violences upon Nature on one Side or another; no pushing the Constitution to Extremities, no earnest Importunities, no immodest Promptings; let all that Nature dictates be free, spontaneous, voluntary and temperate, so Vigour is preserved, Affection encreased, and Abilities too, for it was a significant Expression of the Duke of Buckingham's, in a Poem of his call'd The Enjoyment,
Love makes Men able as their Hearts are kind.
'Tis certain, all Intemperance, all outrageous Excesses, debilitate and exhaust the Spirits; weaken Nature, and render the Person unfit for many of the Offices of Life, besides the same Article; whereas a moderate use of Nature's Liberties have quite contrary Effects.
