Chapter XV.
Character of the Men who are received as Visitors.
A young lady always has it in her power to limit her visiting acquaintances to those whose characters she fully approves. And this she owes it to herself to do.
In forming an estimate of character, a young lady will always find some difficulty, because she must be ignorant of a young man’s habits, if bad, except so far as a knowledge of them happens to come to her through common report. To a very considerable extent, however, the instinctive perceptions of a virtuous young woman will materially aid her in forming an estimate of the young men into whose society she is thrown. If, from the first, the presence of any one is repugnant to her, she will do well to avoid the society of that person, no matter how perseveringly he may seek to gain her good opinion. Around the mind of every one is a sphere of its quality, as certainly as odor surrounds a flower; and this quality is perceived in attractions or repulsions, by all who are similar or dissimilar. The good are instinctively drawn towards each other, and so are the evil, without the real cause coming into the mind’s consciousness. The quality of the affections, likewise, whether good or evil, are expressed in the eye and on the face; and although we have no key to their interpretation, and cannot say, except in certain cases, what the mind’s true quality is, from what it stamps upon the face, yet we have an instinctive perception of it as good or evil, and are repelled or attracted involuntarily. To her first impressions of character, it will, therefore, always be well for a young lady to pay great respect, and always admit with caution any one who was at first repugnant to a friendly relation. She who will keep her mind pure, and carefully observe and be guided by her first impressions of character, will not be in much danger of making the acquaintance of young men of bad moral principles.
But this test is not always practicable, and, from many causes not necessary to be explained here, not always to be relied upon. Nor will the dislikes and prejudices of a young lady, as they will be called, always be considered by her friends sufficient reasons for her declining the visits of certain young men who to them seem very unexceptionable.
If she have brothers, their unfavorable opinion of a young man, even if no allegations are made against him, should generally be considered by a young lady a sufficient reason for keeping him at a distance. Her brothers have opportunities of knowing more about young men than she possibly has; for amongst young men, the habits and principles of each other are pretty well known. If she be in doubt, let her ask her mother’s opinion; and sufficient evidence to warrant a young man’s encouragement or repulsion as a visitor, will, in most cases, be soon furnished.
When the character of a young man is known to be bad,—if he have betrayed innocence, or been guilty of any dishonorable act,—let him not, on any consideration, be admitted to a visiting acquaintance, nor, even in public assemblies, noticed, except with coldness and formality. His family connections, his education, manners, polish, intelligence, or ability to entertain, should be considered as nothing when put in the scale against his evil principles, and the irreparable wrong he has done in society.
It has always been a matter of surprise and regret to the writer to see so different a custom from this prevailing in society; and he has often been led to question the purity of mind of those young girls who seemed so eager to gain the notice and return the attentions of certain young men, notorious for their want of virtue. Until women themselves mark with appropriate condemnation the known vicious conduct of young men, and rigidly exclude all such from intimate intercourse with them, they suffer the moral atmosphere around them to remain in an unhealthy state; and its respiration, as a natural consequence, is detrimental to all who breathe it.
One reason, and a most important one, why a young lady should not admit to a friendly acquaintance any young man whom she has not the very best reasons for believing to be virtuous and honorable, is this: The highest and best, and therefore the happiest, social relation is that of marriage. A young lady cannot visit young men for the purpose of making a selection of a husband: she has to remain at home and wait until some one chooses her out from all the rest, and asks her to become his partner through life. This is a matter in which, although she must remain passive, she is deeply and vitally interested; and she cannot but desire that her hand may be sought by one who has every virtue written upon his heart. To accept or reject an offer of marriage is always in her power, and this right she should exercise with deliberation, wisdom, and firmness. It will almost always follow, that he who seeks her hand will be of those who have been for a time her visiting friends, and with whom she has been on terms of more unrestrained intercourse than with any others. Viewed in this light, the importance of not admitting any but men of known excellence of character as visiting friends will be clearly seen; for it may happen, that, if this rule be not followed, the most unsuitable, because the most unprincipled of all, may be the one who makes the offer of marriage; and the young woman thus addressed may be led, from being flattered by the preference and dazzled by a specious exterior, to forget or disbelieve the common estimation in which he is every where held, and accept an offer that may entail upon her a lifetime of regrets, perhaps of misery.
It will, likewise, almost always happen that a young lady will be judged of by the company she keeps. A man of strict integrity and virtue will be very apt to think lightly of any one at whose house he meets a person that he knows to be bad, especially if he seem to be on good terms there; and he will also be very apt to visit less frequently than would otherwise be the case. Thus, for want of sufficient firmness, it may be, to repel the advances of a bad man, a young lady may have to give up the benefits of the society of a good man—a consequence that she should be most careful to avoid.
In selecting from her casual acquaintances those that she feels willing and desirous of admitting to the privilege of visiting her on terms of social intimacy, a young lady should be careful that brilliant qualities of mind, a cultivated taste, and superior conversational powers, do not overcome her virtuous repugnance to base principles and a depraved life; or cause her to forget that these may exist under the most polished exterior. Those who possess sterling qualities of mind are not always as highly gifted as some other, and often, at first, seem very dull and very uninteresting persons. Their silent and close observation of all that is passing around them is not unfrequently mistaken for dulness, when, at the very time this false estimation of them has been formed, they have read thoroughly, and without mistaking a letter, the whole characters of those who had misjudged them. No matter how well educated a young man may be, nor how varied may be his powers of entertainment, no young lady should permit him to visit her familiarly, if she have undoubted evidence of his moral depravity. There is pollution in the very atmosphere that surrounds him. The more attractive his exterior, the more dangerous he is as a companion for a young and inexperienced girl, and the more likely to dazzle and bewilder her mind, and give her false estimates of things where true estimates are of the very first importance.
A young lady who admits to her acquaintance a well-educated, polished, accomplished, but cold-hearted, unprincipled man of the world, has placed herself in a dangerous position. She is no equal for such a one. He can, with a subtlety almost beyond the power of her detection, change her ordinary views of things, confuse her judgment, and destroy her rational confidence in the discriminating powers of her own mind; at the same time that, by the most judicious and delicately-offered flattery, he keeps her always in a good opinion of herself. All this may be done without his having any particular design in view. He is fond of the company of ladies, and, while with them, from the abundance of his heart will utterance come forth.
In choosing her acquaintances, then, let a young lady look to good sense, good taste, and good principles, rather than to brilliancy of exterior without these. In doing so, she will find more upon which to base a true, improving, elevating, and refining companionship, than if she select from a different but more imposing class.