Anna Karenina (Dole)/Part Five/Chapter 14
CHAPTER XIV
Levin had been married three months. He was happy, but in a different way from what he had anticipated. At every step he had found that his former expectations were illusory, and that his joy lay in what he had not anticipated. He was happy, but as he went on in his married existence he discovered at each step that it was utterly different from what he had imagined it would be. At each step he experienced what a man would experience who had been charmed with the graceful and joyful motion of a boat on the sea, and afterwards should find himself in the boat. He saw that it was not enough to sit still and not rock; it was necessary to be on the lookout, never for a moment forgetful of the course, to think of the water under his feet, to row,—and rowing for unaccustomed arms is hard; easy enough it is to look on, but it is hard, very hard, to work, even though it be very agreeable.
When still a bachelor, looking at the conjugal life of others, at their little miseries, quarrels, jealousies, he had often laughed scornfully in his heart of hearts. In his future married life never should any such thing happen; even all the external forms of his private life should be in every respect absolutely different from that of others. And lo, and behold, instead of that, his life with his wife not only refused to arrange itself peculiarly, but, on the contrary, was wholly made up of those very same insignificant trifles which he had formerly so despised, but which now, in spite of him, assumed an extraordinary and irrefutable importance. And Levin saw that the regulation of all these trifles was not nearly so easy as he had supposed it would be. Notwithstanding the fact that Levin supposed he had the most delicate comprehension of family life, he, like all men, had imagined that it was only meant as the gratification of his love, and that nothing should prevent it and that no petty details ought to interfere with it. According to his idea, he was to do his work, and rest from it in the delights of love. His wife was to be his love, and that was all.
But, like all men, he forgot that she, too, had to work. His surprise was great to find how this charming and poetic Kitty, in the first weeks, even in the first days, of their married life, could be thinking, planning, taking charge of the table-cloths, the furniture, the mattresses, the table service, the kitchen. Even during their engagement he was dumfounded at the decided way in which she refused to travel abroad and at her determination to go immediately to their country home, as if she knew what was needful, and could think of other things besides her love. It vexed him then, and now many times he still felt vexed, to find that she took upon herself these petty cares and labors.
But he saw that it was unavoidable; and, as he loved her, although he could not see why she did such things, and although he laughed at her for doing them, he could not help admiring. He laughed to see how she disposed the new furniture which came from Moscow, how she rearranged everything in her room and his, how she hung the curtains, provided for the guest-rooms and the rooms that Dolly would have, directed her new chambermaid, how she ordered the old cook to provide for dinner, how she discussed with Agafya Mikhaflovna, whom she removed from the charge of the provisions.
He saw how the old cook smiled gently as he received fantastic orders, impossible to execute; he saw how Agafya Mikhaïlovna shook her head pensively at the new measures introduced by her young mistress into the larder, he saw how wonderfully charming she was when she came to him, half laughing, half crying, to complain because her maid, Masha, insisted on treating her like a child, and no one would heed her orders. It all seemed to him charming, but strange, and he thought it would be better if it were otherwise.
He could not comprehend the sense of metamorphosis which she felt at finding herself the mistress, permitted to see to the preparation of cauliflower and kvas, or confections, to spend all the money she wanted, and to command whatever pastry she pleased, after having always had her parents to restrain her fancies.
She was now making joyful preparations for the arrival of Dolly and the children, and was thinking of the pies which she would have made for them, and how she would surprise Dolly with all her new arrangements. She herself could not have given any reasons for it, but it was a fact that the details of housekeeping had an irresistible attraction for her. She foresaw evil days to come, instinctively feeling the approach of spring; and knowing that unhappy days would also surely come, she prepared her little nest as well as she could, and made haste both to build it and to learn how to build it.
This zeal for trifles, so entirely opposed to Levin's lofty ideal of happiness, seemed to him one thing that disillusioned him; while this same activity, the meaning of which escaped him, but which he could not help loving, was one of the things that gave him new delight.
The quarrels were also a disenchantment and a charm! Never had it entered into Levin's head that between him and his wife there could be any relations other than those of gentleness, respect, tenderness; and here, even in their honeymoon, they were disputing, so that Kitty declared that he did not love her, that he was selfish, and burst into tears and wrung her hands.
The first of these little differences arose in consequence of a ride which Levin took to see a new farm; he stayed half an hour longer than he had said, having missed his way in trying to come home by a shorter road. He rode homeward, thinking only of her, of her love, of her happiness; and the nearer he came to the house the more his heart glowed with affection for his wife. He hurried to her room with the same feeling, only much intensified, as he had experienced on the day when he went to the Shcherbatskys' to offer himself. An angry expression, such as he had never seen in her face, received him. He was going to kiss her; she pushed him away,
"What is the matter?"
"You've been enjoying...." she began, wishing to show herself cold and bitter.
But hardly had she opened her mouth when the ridiculous jealousy, which had been tormenting her for half an hour while she had been waiting for him, sitting on the window-seat, broke out in a torrent of angry words.
He then began for the first time to understand clearly what before he had seen only confusedly, when after the crowning they went out of the church. He saw that she was not only near to him, but that he did not know at all where his own personality began or her personality ended. He felt this by the painful sensation of internal division which he experienced at that instant. At first he was offended, but at the same moment he realized that he had no right to be offended, because she and he were one and the same! At that first instant he experienced a feeling such as a man might have when, having suddenly received a sharp blow from behind, turns around with an angry desire to revenge himself on the culprit, and discovers that he has accidentally inflicted the blow on himself, that there is no one to be angry with, and that he must bear the pain and appease it.
Never again did he experience this feeling with such force, but this first time it was long before he could give an account of it. A natural impulse impelled him to exonerate himself, and show Kitty how wrong she was; but that would have irritated her still more and increased the rupture which was the cause of all their unhappiness. A natural impulse tempted him to disavow the blame and cast it at her; but a second and stronger impulse came to close the breach as quickly as possible and not let it grow wider. For him to remain under the shadow of an injustice was cruel; but, under the pretext of a justification, to cause her pain was still worse. Like a man half asleep, wearied with pain, he wished to free himself from it, to throw off the painful place; but, on fully waking, he found that the painful place was himself. Patience only was necessary to give relief to the pain, and he tried to apply this remedy.
Reconciliation followed. Kitty felt herself in the wrong, and, though she did not confess it, was more than ever tender to him, and they felt a new and doubled happiness of love. But this did not prevent these differences from coming up, and coming up very frequently, from the most unexpected and insignificant causes. These collisions often arose from the fact that they were still ignorant of what was indispensable for each, and from the fact that during all this first period they both were often in a bad frame of mind. When one was happy and the other depressed, then peace was disturbed, but when they both happened to be in low spirits, then such childish things were sufficient to provoke misunderstandings, that they could not even remember afterward what they were quarreling about. It is true, when they were both in good spirits, their joy of life was doubled. But nevertheless this first period was a trying time for them both. All those early days, they felt with especial vividness the strain, just as if both of them were pulling in contrary ways on the chain that bound them. Especially the honeymoon, from which Levin expected so much, was far from honey-sweet, but remained in the memories of them both the most trying and humiliating period of their lives. Both of them afterwards tried to blot from their memories all the ugly, shameful incidents of this unhealthy period, during which they so rarely found themselves in a normal state of mind, were so rarely themselves.
Life became better regulated only after their return from Moscow, where they made a short visit in the third month after the wedding.