Book of Etiquette/Volume 1/Part 1/Chapter 2
CHAPTER II
ETIQUETTE'S REWARD
THE ORIGIN OF MANNERS
Why do we observe certain set rules of convention? Why do we greet people in a certain ordained way—by nodding or by lifting the hat? Why do we make introductions and send invitations and cultivate our manners and speech? To find the answer we must trace civilization back to its very source.
One of the first necessities of the savage was to devise some means of showing savages of other tribes that he did not mean to fight—that he wanted to live with them peaceably. At first it was difficult to do this; primeval man was always suspicious, always watchful. He had to be, for his life depended upon it. But slowly certain peaceful observances and signs were established, and the savages began to understand them as greetings of peace and good-will. The salutation and greeting of to-day is a direct result of this early necessity.
This peace-greeting, as we shall call it, was the first semblance of order, the first token of good fellowship that appeared out of the primeval chaos of warfare and destruction. A certain greeting, and things were on a peaceful basis. But let that greeting be forgotten, and the savage's life was the forfeit.
Man developed, and with him developed civilization. From that first "peace greeting" there came certain set salutations, certain forms of homage that bound men together in mutual protection and friendliness. Then slowly, out of this first beam of manners, this first bit of restraint from the savagery of primeval man, there were created certain ceremonies. Some were weird dances to the spirit of the Sun; others were animal or human sacricies to some God of Fear; still others were strange ceremonies for the departed spirit of the dead. But they were ceremonies—and as such they presaged the ceremonies upon which all etiquette, all good manners, are based to-day.
We find that the history of manners keeps pace with the history and evolution of man. And we find that manners, or ceremonies, or respect for fellowmen—or whatever you want to call it—was the first tie that bound men together. It is the foundation upon which all civilization is built.
THE MANNERS OF TO-DAY
Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down to us from one generation to another. To-day only those that have stood the test of time are respected and observed. They have been silently adopted by the common consent of the best circles in America and Europe; and only those who follow them faithfully can hope to be successful in business and in social life.
There are some people who say that etiquette, that manners, are petty shams that polish the surface with the gilt edge of hypocrisy. We all know that a few people believe this. Who of us has not heard the uncultured boor boast that he is not restricted by any "sissy manners"? Who of us has not heard the successful business man decline an invitation to a reception because he "had no time for such nonsense"? To a great many people manners mean nothing but nonsense; but you will find that they are almost invariably people who never win social or business distinction.
The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are not, as some people suppose, the dictates of fashions. They are certain forms of address, certain conduct of speech and manner, that have been brought down to us through centuries of developing culture. And we observe them to-day because they make contact in social life easier and more agreeable; they make life more beautiful and impressive.
You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct if you do not wish to. Certainly not. You may do just as you please, say just what you please, and wear just what you please. But of course you must not complain when you find the doors of good society closed against you, when you find that people of good manners and correct social conduct avoid you and bar you from their activities. Good manners is the only key that will open the door to social success—and men and women often find that it fits the door to business success as well.
GOOD SOCIETY IN AMERICA
Everyone loves to mingle with cultured, well-bred people; with brilliant and celebrated individuals. Everyone loves to attend elaborate social functions where the gay gowns of beautiful women are only less charming and impressive than their faultless manners. But it is not everyone who can be admitted to these inner portals of good society.
It is a well-known truth that manners rather than wealth decide social rank. A man may be fabulously wealthy, but if he does not know how to act, how to dress and speak, he will not be respected. American society has rules of its own, and those who are not willing to learn these laws are shunned, banished. Etiquette is the wall which divides the cultured from the uncultured, which keeps the ill-bred out of the circles where they would be awkward and uncomfortable, and where they would undoubtedly cause mortification to others.
On the other hand, to know these rules of good conduct is to be admitted to the highest circles of society. To know that one is correct banishes at once all uncertainty, all embarrassment. And one mingles with perfectly-mannered people, calm in the assurance that one knows just what is correct, and that no matter what happens one can do or say nothing to reflect on one's breeding.
THE TRUE LADY AND GENTLEMAN
It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed. But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no matter where one chances to be.
There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may ridicule them, they may despise them—but deep down in their hearts they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners.
The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the overdressed "dandy" who disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly, courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone—to the tottering old man he helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry, to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows that he is embarrassed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coarse and brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not hesitate to use them.
The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and graceful—not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the calm, unassuming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and manner are characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence.
It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and by following them faithfully, that one can hope ever to become a true gentleman or a true lady.
THE SECRET OF SOCIAL SUCCESS
Every man who so wishes may become a gentleman, and every woman may become a lady in every sense of the word. It requires only the cultivation of those qualities outlined above. And it is here that the use of etiquette lies, that the importance of good manners is most strikingly portrayed.
Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient. It tells you how to be at ease among strangers. It tells you how to cultivate grace, poise, self-confidence. Not only does it tell you how, but it gives you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of mistakes—and hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish.
The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. It tears down the barriers between the wealthy and the poor, between the educated and the ignorant. By knowing what to do and say and write and wear on all occasions, under all conditions, any man or woman can enter any society and mingle with any people. The old proverb might well be changed to read, "Culture makes the whole world kin!"
Of course if a man suddenly became wealthy and he wished to enter the highest society, his wealth might serve as an opening. But he would soon find that money was not enough—that he needed manners. He might mingle with society for years, slowly acquiring the correct table manners, the correct mode of address, the correct manner of making introductions, the correct way to conduct himself at all times, in all places. But it would take many years before the rough edges of his previous uncultivated manners were rubbed away. Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after years of social intercourse. It is the easiest road to social success.
WHAT MANNERS WILL DO FOR YOU
Every day you come into contact with people, with strangers, who judge you by what you do and say. They go away carrying an impression of you—and it depends upon your manners whether it is a good impression or a bad impression.
It is a mistake to think that good manners are meant for the elaborate ball room or for the formal dinner. Society is not necessarily too formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellowmen you meet every day of the year—people you come into contact with in the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarrassment and humiliation because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to know what is right and what is wrong.
Good manners will enable you to be easy and graceful at all times. You will be able to mingle with the most cultured people and be perfectly at ease. You will lose all self-consciousness, all timidity. And instead you will become dignified, well-poised, calm. Instinctively people will respect you; in business and in society you will find yourself welcomed and admired.
ETIQUETTE'S REWARD
Etiquette is like the binding of a book—just as the binding reveals the name of the book, and protects the valuable pages that are inside, so does etiquette reveal the breeding and culture of an individual, and protect him from the disrespect, ridicule and snubs of the world.
Etiquette will make you dignified. It will make your actions and speech refined, polished, impressive. It will make you a leader instead of a follower, a participant instead of a looker-on. It will open the doors of the highest society to you, make you immune to all embarrassment, enable you to conduct yourself with ease and confidence at all times, under all circumstances.
The rewards of etiquette are too numerous to recount. If you follow the laws of good conduct, if you do only what is right and in good form, you will find yourself an acknowledged leader, an acknowledged success, no matter in what station of life you may be. The world is quick to perceive good manners, just as it is quick to perceive the blunders in etiquette. If you study the rules of good conduct, and follow good form in everything you do and say, you will become courteous and kind and well-mannered. Etiquette will attract people to you, make you and your home a center of social activity. But most of all, it will make you respect yourself. And that is more important than riches or fame—for self-respect is the only thing that brings true happiness.
Remember the words of the prophet, "He who respects himself will earn the respect of all the world."