Book of Etiquette/Volume 1/Part 1/Chapter 7
CHAPTER VII
FUNERALS
FUNERAL CUSTOMS
There is no more eloquent commentary on the vanity of human wishes than the pomp and ceremony which, since the first syllable of recorded time have attended funeral services. Kings and emperors have erected splendid mausolems in which they and their families might be buried, Pharaohs have kept slaves at work for twenty years on a pyramid beneath whose stones their bones might rest, savages in lonely forests have builded great mounds under which their chiefs may wait for the time to go to the Happy Hunting grounds. Slave and emperor, prince and pauper—it is all the same. Last week in New York a woman died in the ward where they treat patients free of charge, yet for more than fifteen years she had been paying premiums on an insurance policy which would permit her to have a funeral "as good as anybody's funeral." Three weeks ago a boy in a small town in Iowa spent nearly all he had in defraying the expenses of the funeral of his mother. In this case, and indeed in many another, a simple ceremony would have been far more appropriate, for even in paying the last tributes of respect to the dead there must be the saving grace of common sense. It is like salt—everything is the better for a pinch of it.
Recently a candidate for the Doctor's degree at one of the largest universities in the country chose for the subject of his thesis "Funeral Customs throughout the Ages." It is too large a subject for us to enter into here, and it would profit us little, for the day of hired mourners and splendid pageantry together with obtrusive music and gorgeous flowers is past. Simplicity characterizes the entire service among well-bred people everywhere. The music is soft and the flowers in many cases are sent to the hospitals where they may gladden the sufferers there instead of being allowed to wilt neglected on the grave. More often than not, nowadays, there is added to the notice of the funeral which is inserted in the newspapers the sentence, "Please omit flowers."
Even in the most primitive times it was felt that the dead were going forth on a long, long journey from which they would never return, and their friends wanted to do whatever they could to speed them along the way. It was in this manner that the custom of offering gifts to the dead came about. These gifts range all the way from food and household utensils to clothing, weapons and money. The money was sometimes gold, sometimes silver and sometimes paper, but in most instances it was to serve as a tip to the ferryman who was to row them across the river that separates this life from the next.
THE FUNERAL OF TO-DAY
Not long ago a New York newspaper devoted a full page in its magazine section to an article called "A King's Mother Buried." The purpose of the article was to reveal forcibly the mockery of some of our elaborate funerals of to-day, and show how they are proportionately no more civilized than those barbarous rituals of the early days. The story is worthy of repetition here.
A certain savage queen was murdered by her son. To convince the people that she had died a natural death, the son made her burial especially elaborate and impressive. First a huge hole was dug in the ground, in which the dead queen was placed in an upright position. Beside her was placed a large jug of water. And into this great hole were placed also ten young girls, who were to be buried alive to accompany the dead queen upon her journey. The hole was then covered with earth, and above it thousands of men were set to fighting each other until the ground was soaked with blood. This was not only to honor the dead queen, but to keep ill-luck away from the king.
You are horrified when you read about this savage burial. You wonder at the superstitious ignorance that allows ten girls to be buried alive, and thousands of young men to be slaughtered, merely in honor of a murdered queen and her brutal son. But considering the knowledge of those savages and our knowledge to-day, their education and our education, we find that we are entitled to no excessive praise. The funerals to-day are often comparatively as ridiculous and uncivilized, though the tendency is certainly toward better things.
To give one specific instance, there is the widow who spends every dollar left her by a departed husband to pay for an elaborate funeral for him. In the eyes of the world, he must be buried "right"; and though it leave her in debt, she makes an impressive funeral service. Would it not have been more sensible to bury him simply and unostentatiously, preserving a little of the money left her for the necessities of life? It is one of the ironies of life that often more attention and honor are paid to the dead than they ever receive in life.
If we study present-day funerals carefully we will find that they have much in common with those savage burials of other days. It is because we do things merely because others did the same things before us. We have certain beliefs because tradition says they are true, and therefore, no matter how absurd they are, they are right, and we must hold to them with the same fervor of conviction that makes the savage cling to his.
WHEN DEATH ENTERS THE FAMILY
Aside from its psychological aspects—those entailing fear, superstition and the belief in religious and traditional customs—death brings with it heartache and sorrow. To lose a beloved one in death is to be conscious of the intangible something that binds the world together, and upon which all civilization is based. We call it love; and we know that it is the deepest tie of affection—indeed, the deepest emotion—of which human nature is capable.
And so, death brings with it sorrow and misery. Those of us who are most directly concerned can think of no rules of etiquette, no customs of good society, when we are suffering a deep bereavement. We think only of our great loss, and of our great sorrow. That is why it is necessary for us all to know the rules of correct conduct, so that when death does enter our household we will instinctively do what is correct. It is a test like this that shows innate good breeding.
One great rule to remember, for those who come in contact with people who have lost a beloved member of the family, is that sorrow is sacred, and that it is one of the most unforgivable breaches of good behavior to intrude upon it. A note of condolence, or a brief visit is a necessary social duty; but constant intrusion upon grief is as unkind and inconsiderate as it is ill-bred.
TAKING CHARGE
The world over, funeral customs have one factor in common: the belief that the dead man has not ceased to live. This belief finds expression in rites and ceremonies. It is for this reason that funeral and mourning practices are highly conventional. Another reason, perhaps, is because death is a shock, and a round of conventional ceremonies alleviates that strained feeling during the period of readjustment.
Thus, the members of the bereaved family should be left as nearly alone to their grief as possible. Nothing in the nature of business should be thrust upon them. A male member of the family should take complete charge; or the immediate duties may be left in the hands of the nearest outside relatives. But whoever does take charge should see that the family is not troubled with the minor details, and that the funeral ceremony is carried out according to the family's pre-confided wishes.
The duties of the person, or persons, who take charge are many and varied. The first duty is to see that all the blinds are drawn and that the door-bell is muffled. Proper announcements must be made in the newspapers, paU-bearers must be selected, and the arrangements must be made with the sexton for the funeral itself. The clergyman who is to officiate must be interviewed and all the details concerning services, music and decorations of the church must be determined. Upon the person in charge also rests the duty of seeing that the undertaker does not take advantage of his authority to the extent of making the funeral unduly lavish.
It is within the power of the person who takes charge at a funeral to mitigate considerably the grief of the family. And it is a service that the family will not soon forget.
ANNOUNCING THE DEATH
Modem funeral customs demand a few lines in the newspapers making public announcement of a death. Attendant ceremonies are also included for the benefit of friends and acquaintances of the family. Following is a typical announcement of a death, copied with only a change in names from the newspaper:
Radcliff—At her residence, 410 West Fiftieth Street, Rose Speyer Radcliff, daughter of James and Helen Wilson Speyer, and beloved wife of Robert L. Radcliff. Funeral services in the Chapel of St. Bartholomew's Church, Park Avenue and Fiftieth Street, New York City, on Saturday morning, 11 o'clock. Interment at Waterbury, Conn.
When an announcement of this kind appears in the newspapers all friends and relatives of the family are expected to appear at St. Bartholomew's Church on Saturday morning at 11 o'clock to attend the services. If the words "Funeral private" or "Interment private" are added to the announcement, it is the height of ill-breeding for any except very intimate friends and relatives to be present. Very often the request "Kindly omit flowers," or "Please omit flowers" is added to the announcement of a death. In this event it is still the privilege of a friend to send flowers to some member of the family or to the family as a whole after the funeral ceremony has taken place.
SOME NECESSARY PREPARATIONS
Where there are servants, one should be stationed at the door to receive cards and messages. Otherwise this duty devolves upon the person who is taking charge. The servant should wear a black gown, white collar and cuffs and a white apron and white cap with black ribbons. If a man-servant is stationed at the door he wears a complete black livery.
With the growing taste for privacy and simplicity, many of the foolish demonstrations of grief, expressed in outward display, have been eliminated. It is now a very rare occurrence for the room in which the dead body lies to be filled with wreaths and masses of flowers, for people are beginning to realize that this is a relic of ancient and savage burial customs, and that it is not so much a manifestation of grief as a display of vanity. Of course it is a pretty way of expressing sentiment to send a floral offering to some one who has died; but modern principles of good conduct acclaim it better taste, and certainly more dignified, to express these sentiments of regard in some other way. A short expression of sorrow appearing as a semi-public announcement In the newspaper after the announcement of the death may be offered by a group of friends or business associates but it Is not good form for a member of the family of the deceased to insert such an announcement in the papers. Family grief is private; and publicity cheapens it.
The somber crêpe announcing to the world that a death has occurred in the family is also fast becoming a thing of the past. One can easily see in this custom of crêpe-hanging a relic of that custom of ancient Patagonia that required all belongings of the deceased to be painted black. Even the body of the person who died was covered with black paint. The black crêpe of to-day is merely another form of that same custom. Now, instead of the broad black ribbon, a wreath or long sprays of white or lilac flowers are entwined around the flowing ends of white ribbon. This is especially appropriate when the deceased is a young person—man or woman. For a girl of tender years, or for a very young child, a sheaf of white roses or white carnations with white ribbons should be used; roses and violets with a white ribbon, or roses with a black ribbon denote the death of an older unmarried man or woman. The plain crêpe streamers are usually used for married people. Custom still demands this flower-and-ribbon tribute to the dead on the door of his or her residence, but gradually this custom, too, will be relegated to the forgotten things of the past.
THE LADIES OF THE FAMILY
A close friend or relative of the bereaved family should make the necessary purchases for the women members of that family. It is considered bad form for them to be seen abroad before the funeral. A dressmaker should be summoned to the house if orders are to be given for mourning dress.
The duty of writing necessary notes and seeing callers also devolves upon some intimate relative or friend. Notes or letters written in the name of the family are on either black-edged or plain white paper, and signed with the names of the people for whom they are written. Thus, if Mrs. Carr's husband has died, and her cousin is attending to the incident preparations and duties, the notes and letters written for Mrs. Carr would be signed with her name and not the name of the cousin, but with the initials of the cousin beneath the signature.
The ladies of a bereaved family should not see callers, even the most intimate friends, unless they are able to control their grief. It is a source of discomfort to the visitor, as well as to the mourner, to enact a scene of semi-hysteria in the drawing-room. Yet, at a time like this, one can hardly be expected to be in full control of one's emotions. Therefore it is always wise for the women to keep to their rooms until after the funeral.
THE PALL-BEARERS
If a guard of honor is to be appointed, the person in charge should consult the wishes of the immediate family. Those who are asked to serve receive an invitation by note or by messenger, sent either by the head of the family of the deceased or by the person in charge. Relatives are seldom appointed as pall-bearers. A request to serve as pall-bearer should be refused only for the most imperative reasons.
The number and age of the pall-bearers is a matter of taste and not of obligation. But it is considered good form to have six young girls, dressed in white, as the guard of honor for a young girl or woman. They should be selected from among intimate friends. Similarly, six young men are appropriate for a young man who has died; while for an elderly married man, eight gentlemen from among his closest friends and business associates form the usual guard of honor.
The pall-bearers, in the invitation, are told just when they are expected to assemble at the house of the deceased, and they should make it a particular point to be on time. There can be no greater breach of good manners, and in fact no greater unkindness, than to keep a funeral party waiting. If the pall-bearers are to be women, the carriages or cars may be sent for them individually; but as a general rule, pall-bearers are shown to their carriage or car before the door, when the funeral procession begins.
It is customary for all who attend a church funeral to assemble at the church, but this rule does not pertain to the pall-bearers. They are the only ones who accompany the immediate family and relatives from the house. Unless a special request to the contrary has been made, pall-bearers may send flowers if they wish.
DUTIES OF PALL-BEARERS
A prompt answer is necessary upon receipt of an invitation to serve as pall-bearer. Illness or absence from town at the time of the funeral are the only excuses for refusing to accept the invitation. The written answer must be followed by a personal call at the home of the deceased, and cards must be left.
Formerly, the duty of the pall-bearer was to carry the cloth or velvet pall that covered the coffin—hence the name. Later the custom developed into a more important duty—the pall-bearers actually carried the casket into and out of the church. This is still done, although now the accepted form is for the pall-bearers to appear solely as a guard of honor for the dead.
In this latter case, they walk before the casket which is carried by the undertaker's or sexton's assistants. They halt before the hearse and stand in silent reverence with heads uncovered, while the casket is being placed into it, and again when it is taken out to be conveyed into the church. They do not enter their cars until the hearse has passed on ahead.
Each pall-bearer should speak a few words of condolence to the members of the bereaved family. However, he must not make obvious efforts to observe this duty, nor must he intrude upon grief. He offers his words of comfort only when it is convenient and when he is brought, by his duties, into the presence of his sorrowing friends. He should be kind, and most of all, tactful. He should not say anything that will cause a fresh outburst of grief.
A few days after the funeral, it is expected that the pall-bearer call and leave his card for the mourners. It is necessary only for him to inquire at the door after the ladies and to leave his card. It is more considerate not to ask to see members of the family.
THE CHURCH FUNERAL
Because it is closely allied with religion, the funeral ceremony is nearly always conducted at church. Of course this is something entirely dependent upon conditions and personal preferences, but the church funeral is always more dignified and impressive.
The pall-bearers and nearest relatives of the deceased assemble at the house. Otherwise, all who are to attend the funeral assemble at the church. The casket is borne from the house by the undertaker's assistants, the pall-bearers preceding it two-by-two. As soon as the hearse drives off, the pall-bearers enter the carriages or cars immediately behind it, and the relatives follow in the next cars in the order of their relationship.
When the procession is ready to move, the music begins and the casket is borne down the aisle to the altar by the sexton's assistants. Sometimes the pall-bearers carry the casket to the altar.
ORDER OF PRECEDENCE
When attending the body of their child, parents walk arm in arm, their other children following immediately behind them in the order of seniority. Pall-bearers invariably precede the casket. A widow attends the body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son or daughter, with her other children just behind. After them come the deceased man's parents, followed by his brothers and sisters. Similarly, a widower follows the body of his wife attended by his eldest son or daughter. Children following the body of their only parent take precedence according to their ages, the elder always leading. A widow who has no children follows her husband on the arm of a brother or other near masculine relative.
During the services at the church, the relatives occupy the front pews on the right of the center aisle. The pall-bearers sit in the opposite pews on the left-hand side. After the services the procession leaves the church in the same order observed upon entering. If prayers are to be offered at the grave, the car of the clergyman follows immediately after the hearse.
Different religions have different burial services, but these are matters of faith rather than of etiquette.
THE HOUSE FUNERAL
A house funeral should always be very simple. Few flowers are used by people of good taste.
At a house funeral, a number of folding-chairs may be provided by the undertaker. The casket is placed on a draped stand at one end of the drawing-room, such flowers as are used being placed on and around it. The room may or may not be darkened according to the wishes of the family. Each guest should be greeted at the door by some representative of the family and shown to a seat in the drawing-room. A row of seats should be reserved near the casket for the immediate family, one being set aside for the clergyman who is to officiate. Though it is not obligatory it is very courteous to send a carriage or an automobile for him. A Protestant clergyman does not expect a fee but if he has come some distance or if the family wishes to express their thanks in that manner they may offer one which he is privileged to accept with perfect propriety.
It is not necessary to appoint pall-bearers for a home funeral. A quiet reserve and dignity should characterize the occasion, and it should be carried out with the greatest amount of expediency possible. If music is desired, the musicians or choristers should be in an adjacent room and the notes should be very low and soft.
Women do not remove their wraps during the ceremony, and men carry their hats in their hands. The women members of the bereaved family enter on the arms of masculine relatives, and if they intend going to the cemetery, they wear their hats and veils. The members of the family, however, do not enter the drawing-room until the clergyman arrives.
After the ceremony the guests quietly disperse, only those remaining who intend going to the cemetery. It is not expected that expressions of sympathy be offered on this occasion; cards are left for the family immediately after the announcement of the death, and a call of condolence is made, according to society's rules, within a week after the funeral. Thus it is superfluous to offer sympathy at the services, unless one is a very dear friend and wishes particularly to do so.
A POINT OF IMPORTANCE
Very often the women of the family, or perhaps just one woman, finds her grief uncontrollable. Even though the funeral is private, and only relatives and close friends are present it is the privilege of the bereaved to keep to her room and find solace in solitude. The world will not censure her for being absent; it is a time when petty conventions may safely be overlooked. When one is grieving, suffering, miserable; and prefers to find peace alone, without the sympathies of others, she has every right in the world to do so. And she is breaking no rules of good conduct, either, for people of good breeding will recognize the depth of her overpowering grief.
Surely it is better to remain away from the services than to go in a state of hysteria. When sorrow is so poignant, private home services are usually held, in which case the immediate members of the family may gather in a room adjoining that in which the guests are assembled. Even in the deepest grief it is possible to remember and observe the great law—"be calm, be silent and serene," and tears do not always mean sorrow, nor loud wailing, grief.
REMOVING SIGNS OF GRIEF
Upon their return from the funeral, the family should find the windows open with the warm sunlight streaming through them and all outward signs of sorrow removed. The ribbon and flowers on the door are generally taken down as soon as the procession leaves.
In the house, all signs of the bereavement should be effaced. The furniture should be placed in its usual order. Everything connected with the funeral must be out of sight. The members of the family should be greeted with nothing, upon their return, that would possibly give cause for fresh sorrow. A considerate friend or relative should stay behind to attend to these details. It is not enough to leave everything in the hands of the undertaker and his assistants.
But even relatives should remember that the bereaved ones will want to be by themselves, and that solitude is often the greatest solace for grief.
SECLUSION DURING MOURNING
For three weeks after a bereavement, women seclude themselves and receive no visitors except their most intimate friends. After this they are expected to be sufficiently resigned to receive the calls of condolence of their friends and acquaintances. They themselves make no visits until six months after the death.
While wearing crêpe veil and crêpe-trimmed gowns, a woman should refrain from taking part in all social gaieties. After the crêpe has been discarded, she may attend concerts, dinners and luncheons, and the theater; but she attends no large social functions or fashionable dinners until at least a year after the date of death. The usual round of social duties, including balls and the opera, are not resumed until colors are once again adopted.
A man does not observe the etiquette of mourning as rigidly as his wife or daughter; but it is necessary to mention here that it is exceedingly bad form for him to resume his active social duties, such as club dinners and entertainments, the theater, calls, small dinners with friends, until at least two months have elapsed. If business permits, he may observe ten days or two weeks of absolute seclusion.
DRESS AT FUNERALS
Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. Gentlemen should wear either complete suits of black, or those of material dark enough to be suited to the solemnity pf the occasion. Gray trousers with a black cutaway are permissible. A quiet hat, gloves and necktie are worn. Vivid colors, either on a man or woman, show a disregard for the feeling of the mourners, a lack of respect for oneself, and a distinct ignorance of the laws of good conduct. It is not a gala occasion and levity of any sort is atrociously bad form.
INTERMENT AND CREMATION
Etiquette has nothing to say with regard to the disposal of the body of the deceased. Whether it is to be interred or cremated, whether the casket shall rest in a grave or a vault or a mausoleum or whether the ashes shall be preserved in an urn or scattered upon a well-loved river or hill or upon some other chosen spot is entirely a matter of personal preference.
But etiquette unites with the laws of beauty and refined sentiment in protesting against the erecting of hideous monuments with absurd inscriptions. The purpose of the tombstone is to mark the resting place and to bear the name and the date of the birth and death of the person who lies beneath it. If the life itself has not left a record that will last a marble slab will not do much to perpetuate it. Sometimes there is a special achievement or a mark of distinction which may with propriety be cut into the stone or the family of the deceased may inscribe thereupon an expression of their grief or love; but flowery inscriptions belong to the past and since there are no words that can adequately express the grief of a sorrowing family for one who has died it is perhaps best not to attempt it.
The hour at which the interment is to take place is appointed to suit the convenience of the family. In cities where a multiplicity of duties makes attendance in the daytime difficult it is customary to have evening services, but under all other circumstances the funeral is scheduled to take place during the day.
MOURNING DRESS
Grief turns instinctively to the somber garments of mourning for the slight measure of comfort which they give, but modern ideas of enlightened civilization look with disfavor on long crêpe veils and any other form of mourning that is so pronounced as to be ostentatious. Black is very depressing, especially to young children, and a mother, however deep her sorrow because of the death of one of her children should keep this in mind and should, at any rate, not wear black every day. If she likes she may wear mourning when she leaves the house. It is a sort of protection, for strangers and thoughtless friends will not be so likely to make remarks that will wound, if they have the black dress to remind them of the bereavement which the mother has suffered. Under any other circumstances the wearing of colors at home and black abroad is a form of hypocrisy, and is, of course, to be deplored.
Black fabrics for mourning should not have a shiny finish nor should they be trimmed except in the simplest way possible. Serge, cloth, duvetyn, Canton crêpe, pongee, chiffon, and georgette are appropriate but one should avoid velvets and most fur trimmings. The most suitable furs are plain black seal, fox, lynx, etc., though others may be worn. Bright linings are not permissible.
A woman in mourning does not wear jewelry aside from the wedding and engagement rings. Dull bar pins may be used whenever needed and a brooch, plain or set with pearls, may be worn. Dress accessories should be of dull black, purse, gloves, etc. Handkerchiefs may have a black border or they may be pure white.
The length of the mourning period depends upon the tie which existed between the deceased and the bereaved. Except for an elderly woman whose husband has died and who never intends taking off black the longest period is usually two years, the first in deep mourning, the next in "second mourning" during which time gray, lavender, purple and black-and-white may be worn. This may be shortened at discretion to six months of deep mourning followed by six months of semi-mourning or three months of deep mourning and six of half mourning. The change from black to colors should never be so abrupt as to be startling.
A girl does not wear mourning for her fiancé except under extenuating circumstances. If he died on the eve of the wedding it is permissible but if the date for the wedding had not been set or if the engagement had not been announced it is questionable form for her to go into mourning for him. It is a very delicate matter and the final court of appeals is the young lady herself. But she should remember that the garments of mourning are after all only a symbol of grief and she should hesitate a long time before assuming them. Her mourning outfit is like that of a widow and she wears it for the same length of time.
Children should never wear black. Upon the death of a parent they may wear white perhaps relieved by lavender for six months or so. They do not use mourning stationery and they do not carry black bordered handkerchiefs. A girl fifteen or sixteen may wear delicate grays, lavenders, and mixed goods as well as white, but she should not wear black.
There is no iron-clad rule concerning mourning, and one may or may not wear it. Even a widow, a daughter, or a mother is under no compulsion to do so, though to appear in bright colors shortly after the death of a beloved one is certainly an evidence of bad taste.
MOURNING DRESS FOR MEN
The mourning outfit for men is not so pronounced as that for women. A black suit with dull black shoes, black gloves and white linen constitutes first mourning. Many men use only the black band around the coat sleeve. The custom grew out of the English practice of having the servants wear the black band in households that could not afford a complete mourning outfit, and for this reason has met with disfavor among the fastidious in this country. It has this much in its favor: it accomplishes the purpose of full mourning with the added virtue of economy, and when one's life has to be conducted on a frugal scale it is better to wear the simple black band than to spend one's substance foolishly for mourning.
A widower wears mourning for a year or a year and a half while a man grieving for some other relative than his wife may wear mourning a year or six months as he prefers. First mourning consists of a suit of black with white linen, and dull black accessories such as shoes, gloves, cuff links, etc. The hat may have a crêpe border but it should not be a very wide one. For second mourning his suit is of gray or black, with gray gloves, white linen, etc. Men should never carry black bordered handkerchiefs. A man wears mourning for a wife, a child, a parent, or a brother or sister the length of time depending upon the strength of the bond which held them together.
MOURNING STATIONERY
White stationery of a good quality is correct for all occasions and mourning is no exception. That which has a narrow black border is good but a border nearly an inch wide is in bad taste. After three months have passed gray stationery is permissible.
Since there are no formal invitations issued during the period of mourning there are no special forms for them. There are, however, in addition to the regular mourning stationery cards acknowledging expressions of sympathy. These may be had from any up-to-date stationer's. They may or may not have the black border. The following is an example of such a card:
Mr. and Mrs. N. C. Graham thank you for your kind expression of sympathy during their recent bereavement.
The visiting card may have an unobtrusive border of black. The border on this and on the stationery may be lessened from time to time during the period of mourning or it may remain the same until it is discarded altogether.