CHAPTER VI
DIAMOND DREAMS
HIPPOLYTE took off his shabby felt hat, combed his moustache, and after resolutely clearing h his throat told Ostap Bender, the first man he had happened to meet, all that he had learnt from his dying mother-in-law about the diamonds.
During the story Ostap jumped up several times, went across to the stove, and shouted: 'Gentlemen of the jury, the ice is broken! The ice is broken!'
An hour later the two men were sitting at a rickety table. Their heads together, they were reading a long list of jewellery which had at one time decorated the mother-in-law's fingers, neck, ears, breast, and hair. Hippolyte was constantly adjusting his pince-nez and repeating: 'Three strands of pearls. How well I remember them! Two with forty pearls and the large one with a hundred and ten pearls. A diamond necklace. My mother-in-law used to say it was an antique and had cost four thousand....'
Then there were rings, not thick or clumsy engagement rings, but thin, elegant rings set with beautiful diamonds; there were dazzling ear-rings, bracelets shaped like serpents with emerald scales, a necklace that had cost a harvest from five hundred dessiatines of land, a pearl ring, and, to crown all, a tiara worth forty thousand roubles.
Hippolyte looked round. He thought he could see emeralds glowing in the corners of the porter's dingy room, diamonds sparkling up near the ceiling, and pearls rolling over the table and jumping about the floor. His dream was broken by Bender's voice.
'It's not such a bad selection. The stones seem to have been chosen with taste. What's it all worth?' 34
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
‘ Seventy, perhaps seventy-five, thousand.’ ‘ H’m, that means it’s worth a hundred and fifty thousand to-day.’ ‘ What ? As much as that ? ’ Hippolyte asked. ‘ Certainly not less. But you, my friend, you should leave this matter alone. Nothing will come of it.’ ‘ What do you mean ? ’ ' Just what I say. How many chairs were there ? ’ ‘ A dozen. It was a drawing-room suite.’ ' The suite has probably gone up in smoke long ago.’ Hippolyte was so alarmed at this that he jumped up from his seat.
- Gently, gently,’ said Bender. ‘ I’m taking this
matter in hand. The conference is not yet at an end ; you and I must draw up a little agreement together.’ Breathing heavily, Hippolyte expressed his consent with a nod, and Bender began to work out the con ditions. ‘ In the event of our realizing the treasure, I, as a participator and technical adviser in this affair, shall receive sixty per cent. You don’t need to worry about paying insurance for me—that doesn’t matter to me.’ ‘ Why, it’s daylight robbery ! ’ said Hippolyte, turn ing pale. ‘ But how much did you think of offering me ? ’ ‘ Well, perhaps five per cent or ten per cent at the most. After all, that is fifteen thousand roubles.’ ‘ Are you quite sure you don’t want anything else out of me ? ’ ‘ N-no.’ ‘ Oh ! I thought you might want me to work for nothing and give you the key of my room where I keep my money and tell you how to escape the police.’ ‘ Excuse me,’ said Hippolyte. ‘ I have every reason to believe I can manage this business by myself.’ ‘ Oh ! ’ said Bender, ‘ in that case you must excuse me, for I too have every reason to believe I can manage this business alone.’ DIAMOND DREAMS
35
‘ You bounder ! ’ shouted Hippolyte, trembling with rage. But Bender remained perfectly cahn. ‘ Listen, my friend. Don’t you know the diamonds are almost in my pocket, and that you only interest me because I want to provide for your old age ? It was only then that Hippolyte realized what an iron grip held him by the throat. ‘ Twenty per cent,’ he said gloomily. ' And my board ? ’ asked Bender sarcastically. ‘ Twenty-five.’ ‘ And the key of my room ? ’ ' But that means thirty-seven and a half thousand ! ‘ Why such accuracy ? Well, then, let s say fifty per cent. Half to you and half to me. The bargaining continued until in the end, out of respect for Hippolyte, Bender agreed to work for forty per cent. ‘ Sixty thousand ! ’ cried Hippolyte. ‘ You’re rather a mean fellow. You love money more than you should.’ ‘ Don’t you love money ? ’ said Hippolyte. ‘ Certainly not ! ’ , ‘ Then what do you want sixty thousand for i ' On principle.’ Hippolyte sighed. . ‘ Well,’ asked Bender, ' is the ice broken i Hippolyte groaned and then said meekly . Yes, it’s broken.’ ,
- Let’s shake hands on it, old marshal of the district
scouts. The ice is broken ! ” Hippolyte was offended at being called the marshal of the district scouts. He insisted on an apology, and after Bender had called him a field-marshal in his apology they began to work out the plan.
At midnight the porter came home ; after hanging 36
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
on to all the railings he managed to drag himself down to his room. ‘ Welcome, O brother proletarian of intellectual work! Brother of the broom, welcome! ’ cried Bender as he caught sight of the drunken porter. The porter muttered something unintelligible. ‘ Your porter,’ said Bender, turning to Hippolyte, ‘ isn’t up to much. How can a fellow get so drunk on a rouble ? ’ ‘ He can,’ said the pbrter suddenly. ' Listen, my man,’ began Hippolyte. ‘ Have you any idea what happened to my furniture ? ’ Bender was carefully holding the porter up, so that they could hear what he would say. Hippolyte was eagerly waiting for his reply, but all that he said in a deafening roar was : ‘ Those were joUy-olly-oUy days.’ Then there was an uproar in the room. The porter began to bellow a song as he threw himself round the room—now diving under the table, now banging him self against the furniture, and finally falling down on his knees. He was very merry. ' We shall have to suspend the cross-examination of witnesses until the morning,’ said Bender. ' Let us go to bed.’ They carried the porter, who by now was sleeping like a log, on to the bench, and they decided to share the porter’s single bed. Bender was wearing a red and black check shirt under his coat, but he was naked under the shirt, whereas Hippolyte was wearing two waistcoats, a shirt, and an undervest. ‘ You should sell me one of those waistcoats,’ said Bender as he looked at the bright blue one enviously. It would suit me beautifully. Sell it to me. ’ Hippolyte did not like to refuse his new companion, and, although he frowned, he agreed to sell the waist coat for eight roubles. Payment,’ said Bender as he took hold of the waist coat, ‘ shall be made on reahzation of the treasure.’ DIAMOND DREAMS
37
‘ No no ! ’ said Hippolyte, going red in the face, ' I can’t agree to that. Give me that waistcoat back. Bender’s sensitive nature was disgusted. ‘ That’s being petty ! ’ he shouted. ‘ Fancy be ginning a business of one hundred and fifty thousand roubles and then quarrelling about eight roubles. You should be more generous.’ . Hippolyte grew redder in the face, pulled out a. small memorandum block, and entered , into it . ‘ 25.4.27. Given to Bender : eight roubles. Bender looked over his shoulder. ‘ Oho ! ’ said he, ‘ so you’re opening my personal account, are you ? Then you should keep it Prop erly. You should draw up a debit as well as a credit. Don’t forget to enter sixty thousand roubles on the debit side and the waistcoat can go to your credit. Total in my favour equals fifty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-two roubles. That s something to be going on with.’ After this Bender went to bed and slept the sleep of the just. Hippolyte took off his boots and trousers, kept his darned Jaeger underwear on, and then cr^t under the blanket. He was very uncomfortable. He was cold, there was not enough blanket, and Bender took up too much room. All three had dreams. Hippolyte had black dreams. He saw microbes, the police, and Bezenchuk the undertaker. Bender dreamt of the volcano, Fujiyama, and of Taras Bulba selling picture post cards of the new elec tric power station on the Dnieper. And the porter dreamt that a horse had run out 01 its stable. He searched for it all night but without finding it, and next morning he woke up worn out and depressed. For a long time he looked with amaze ment at the two men sleeping in his bed, and, unable to make anything of it, he went out with his broom to clean up the road, pick up the rubbish and shout at the old women from the workhouse.