Lapsus Calami (Apr 1891)/"Facilis Descensus Averni"

by J.K.S.

"Facilis Descensus Averni."

 

When I was new and all unspoiled,
⁠O how I loved examinations!
With what unflagging zeal I toiled!
With what incessant labour soiled
My books! how high my spirit boiled!
⁠Till—notwithstanding regulations—
At times the surreptitious oil 'd
⁠Assist my midnight lucubrations:
And how my very soul recoiled
At any thought of being foiled
⁠By other people's machinations.

Thus, thus the unsuspecting youth
⁠Sets forth upon the task of life,
His zeal for seeking abstract truth
⁠Is sharpened by his love of strife;
High rise his hopes—his earliest half
Gleig's Wellington in yellow calf,
And Creasy's Battles, side by side,
Excite his own, his parents' pride.
⁠But hopes are vain, pride hollow:
The sequel of my tale abide,
⁠And mark what needs must follow.

So hard on one another's heels
⁠The blithe examinations troop,
That soon the young enthusiast feels
⁠Like flowers do that droop, and droop—
And then a tempest of despair
Sweeps over him: his only care
Is now to find some brilliant, rare,
⁠And quite unprecedented blunders,
To clear the dull scholastic air,
⁠And startle Academic thunders.

Then comes the melancholy, vain,
And hopeless struggle to regain
⁠His old unsullied reputation:
Abortive efforts to attain
⁠Impossible regeneration:
And, when the last collapse is plain,
No earthly solace doth remain,
⁠Except to launch an imprecation
That only is not quite profane
Against the author of his pain,
Who brings all evils in his train,
The friend of sloth, ambition's bane,
⁠The master fiend, Examination.

Eton Rambler, May 18th, 1880.