LEO. It's not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep on
repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon
amuses me. He's so clever.
THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of that?
LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I'm quite fond of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy.
THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have.
LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me.
THE GENERAL. Tut, tut!
LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both?
THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo!
LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men. I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it's such a pity to waste it merely because it's too silly to confess to a real grown-up man.
REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well, there it is!
THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide. He's a Bishop: it's his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought to do something.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment, Alfred. We're in a difficulty.
THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I'm busy.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It's something very serious. Do come just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes a chair at the nearest end of the table].
The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man, spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a successful man who is always interested in himself and generally rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in the doorway listening to the conversation.
THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youve brought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have you reconciled them, Boxer?
THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss.
REGINALD. A fellow with a face like—
LEO. You shant, Rejjy. He has a very fine face.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. And now she says she wants to marry both of them, and a lot of other people as well.
LEO. I didnt say I wanted to marry them: I only said I should like to marry them.
THE BISHOP. Quite a nice distinction, Leo.
LEO. Just occasionally, you know.
THE BISHOP [sitting down cosily beside her] Quite so. Sometimes a poet, sometimes a Bishop, sometimes a fairy prince, sometimes somebody quite indescribable, and sometimes nobody at all.
LEO. Yes: thats just it. How did you know?
THE BISHOP. Oh, I should say most imaginative and cultivated young women feel like that. I wouldnt give a rap for one who didnt. Shakespear pointed out long ago that a woman wanted a Sunday husband as well as a weekday one. But, as usual, he didnt follow up the idea.
THE GENERAL [aghast] Am I to understand—
THE BISHOP [cutting him short] Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or are you?
THE GENERAL [sulkily] You.
THE BISHOP. Then dont ask me are you to understand. "Yours not to reason why: yours but to do and die"—
THE GENERAL. Oh, very well: go on. I'm not clever. Only a silly soldier man. Ha! Go on. [He throws himself into the railed chair, as one prepared for the worst].
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: dont tease Boxer.
THE BISHOP. If we are going to discuss ethical questions we must begin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. England never does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and we wont allow him to prove his innocence, because it would be against public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the same with prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence is that we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of us after all. Perhaps thats what most of us intend him to do.
THE GENERAL. Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You are preaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said or done anything that calls for that unsolicited attention.
THE BISHOP. But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth; whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes.
THE GENERAL. I suppose thats an epigram. I dont understand epigrams. I'm only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plain question. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist?
THE BISHOP. Remember the British Empire, Boxer. Youre a British General, you know.
THE GENERAL. What has that to do with polygamy?
THE BISHOP. Well, the great majority of our fellow-subjects are polygamists. I cant as a British Bishop insult them by speaking disrespectfully of polygamy. It's a very interesting question. Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon, Mahomet, and our friend the Duke of—of—hm! I never can remember his name.
THE GENERAL. It would become you better, Alfred, to send that silly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk clever and mock at your religion. "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder." Remember that.
THE BISHOP. Dont be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined together no man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. [To Leo] By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, my dear?
LEO. It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, and travelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then tried to go on the stage. But they wouldnt have him. He called himself Egerton Fotheringay.
THE BISHOP. Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let Sir Gorell Barnes put asunder by all means.
THE GENERAL. I may be a silly soldier man; but I call this blasphemy.
THE BISHOP [gravely] Better for me to take the name of Mr Egerton Fotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name in vain.
LESBIA. Cant you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling?
THE BISHOP [mildly] This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it's only English family life. Good morning.
LEO. You know, Bishop, it's very dear of you to take my part; but I'm not sure that I'm not a little shocked.
THE BISHOP. Then I think Ive been a little more successful than Boxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind.
THE GENERAL [snorting] Ha!
LEO. Not a bit; for now I'm going to shock you worse than ever. I think Solomon was an old beast.
THE BISHOP. Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear. Dont apologize.
THE GENERAL [more shocked] Well, but hang it! Solomon was in the Bible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon.
LEO. And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interesting men to know quite intimately—to say everything I think of to them, and have them say everything they think of to me.
THE BISHOP. So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you know you neednt marry them all. Think of all the buttons you would have to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husband who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to know what you think.
LEO [struck by this] Well, thats very true of Rejjy: In fact, thats why I had to divorce him.
THE BISHOP [condoling] Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesnt he?
REGINALD. Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her find them out for herself without your help.
THE BISHOP. She has found them all out already, Reginald.
LEO [a little huffily] After all, there are worse men than Reginald. I daresay he's not so clever as you; but still he's not such a fool as you seem to think him!
THE BISHOP. Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hope you will always stand up for all your husbands. [He rises and goes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back to the fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children].
LEO. Please dont talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment. For me there can never be more than two. I shall never love anybody but Rejjy and Sinjon.
REGINALD. A man with a face like a—
LEO. I wont have it, Rejjy. It's disgusting.
THE BISHOP. You see, my dear, youll exhaust Sinjon's conversation too in a week or so. A man is like a phonograph with half-a-dozen records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. In the end you have to be content with his common humanity; and when you come down to that, you find out about men what a great English poet of my acquaintance used to say about women: that they all taste alike. Marry whom you please: at the end of a month he'll be Reginald over again. It wasnt worth changing: indeed it wasnt.
LEO. Then it's a mistake to get married.
THE BISHOP. It is, my dear; but it's a much bigger mistake not to get married.
THE GENERAL [rising] Ha! You hear that, Lesbia? [He joins her at the garden door].
LESBIA. Thats only an epigram, Boxer.
THE GENERAL. Sound sense, Lesbia. When a man talks rot, thats epigram: when he talks sense, then I agree with him.
REGINALD [coming off the oak chest and looking at his watch] It's getting late. Wheres Edith? Hasnt she got into her veil and orange blossoms yet?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do go and hurry her, Lesbia.
LESBIA [going out through the tower] Come with me, Leo.
LEO [following Lesbia out] Yes, certainly.
The Bishop goes over to his wife and sits down, taking her hand and kissing it by way of beginning a conversation with her.
THE BISHOP. Alice: Ive had another letter from the mysterious lady who cant spell. I like that woman's letters. Theres an intensity of passion in them that fascinates me.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you mean Incognita Appassionata?
THE BISHOP. Yes.
THE GENERAL [turning abruptly; he has been looking out into the garden] Do you mean to say that women write love-letters to you?
THE BISHOP. Of course.
THE GENERAL. They never do to me.
THE BISHOP. The army doesnt attract women: the Church does.
REGINALD. Do you consider it right to let them? They may be married women, you know.
THE BISHOP. They always are. This one is. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Dont you think her letters are quite the best love-letters I get? [To the two men] Poor Alice has to read my love-letters aloud to me at breakfast, when theyre worth it.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. There really is something fascinating about Incognita. She never gives her address. Thats a good sign.
THE GENERAL. Mf! No assignations, you mean?
THE Bishop. Oh yes: she began the correspondence by making a very curious but very natural assignation. She wants me to meet her in heaven. I hope I shall.
THE GENERAL. Well, I must say I hope not, Alfred. I hope not.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. She says she is happily married, and that love is a necessary of life to her, but that she must have, high above all her lovers—
THE BISHOP. She has several apparently—
MRS BRIDGENORTH. —some great man who will never know her, never touch her, as she is on earth, but whom she can meet in Heaven when she has risen above all the everyday vulgarities of earthly love.
THE BISHOP [rising] Excellent. Very good for her; and no trouble to me. Everybody ought to have one of these idealizations, like Dante's Beatrice. [He clasps his hands behind him, and strolls to the hearth and back, singing].
Lesbia appears in the tower, rather perturbed.
LESBIA. Alice: will you come upstairs? Edith is not dressed.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [rising] Not dressed! Does she know what hour it is?
LESBIA. She has locked herself into her room, reading.
The Bishop's song ceases; he stops dead in his stroll.
THE GENERAL. Reading!
THE BISHOP. What is she reading?
LESBIA. Some pamphlet that came by the eleven o'clock post. She wont come out. She wont open the door. And she says she doesnt know whether she's going to be married or not till she's finished the pamphlet. Did you ever hear such a thing? Do come and speak to her.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: you had better go.
THE BISHOP. Try Collins.
LESBIA. Weve tried Collins already. He got all that Ive told you out of her through the keyhole. Come, Alice. [She vanishes. Mrs Bridgenorth hurries after her].
THE BISHOP. This means a delay. I shall go back to my work [he makes for the study door].
REGINALD. What are you working at now?
THE BISHOP [stopping] A chapter in my history of marriage. I'm just at the Roman business, you know.
THE GENERAL [coming from the garden door to the chair Mrs Bridgenorth has just left, and sitting down] Not more Ritualism, I hope, Alfred?
THE BISHOP. Oh no. I mean ancient Rome. [He seats himself on the edge of the table]. Ive just come to the period when the propertied classes refused to get married and went in for marriage settlements instead. A few of the oldest families stuck to the marriage tradition so as to keep up the supply of vestal virgins, who had to be legitimate; but nobody else dreamt of getting married. It's all very interesting, because we're coming to that here in England; except that as we dont require any vestal virgins, nobody will get married at all, except the poor, perhaps.
THE GENERAL. You take it devilishly coolly. Reginald: do you think the Barmecide's quite sane?
REGINALD. No worse than ever he was.
THE GENERAL [to the Bishop] Do you mean to say you believe such a thing will ever happen in England as that respectable people will give up being married?
THE BISHOP. In England especially they will. In other countries the introduction of reasonable divorce laws will save the situation; but in England we always let an institution strain itself until it breaks. Ive told our last four Prime Ministers that if they didnt make our marriage laws reasonable there would be a strike against marriage, and that it would begin among the propertied classes, where no Government would dare to interfere with it.
REGINALD. What did they say to that?
THE BISHOP. The usual thing. Quite agreed with me, but were sure that they were the only sensible men in the world, and that the least hint of marriage reform would lose them the next election. And then lost it all the same: on cordite, on drink, on Chinese labor in South Africa, on all sorts of trumpery.
REGINALD [lurching across the kitchen towards the hearth with his hands in his pockets] It's no use: they wont listen to our sort. [Turning on them] Of course they have to make you a Bishop and Boxer a General, because, after all, their blessed rabble of snobs and cads and half-starved shopkeepers cant do government work; and the bounders and week-enders are too lazy and vulgar. Theyd simply rot without us; but what do they ever do for us? what attention do they ever pay to what we say and what we want? I take it that we Bridgenorths are a pretty typical English family of the sort that has always set things straight and stuck up for the right to think and believe according to our conscience. But nowadays we are expected to dress and eat as the week-end bounders do, and to think and believe as the converted cannibals of Central Africa do, and to lie down and let every snob and every cad and every halfpenny journalist walk over us. Why, theres not a newspaper in England today that represents what I call solid Bridgenorth opinion and tradition. Half of them read as if they were published at the nearest mother's meeting, and the other half at the nearest motor garage. Do you call these chaps gentlemen? Do you call them Englishmen? I dont.[He throws himself disgustedly into the nearest chair].
THE GENERAL [excited by Reginald's eloquence] Do you see my uniform? What did Collins say? It strikes the eye. It was meant to. I put it on expressly to give the modern army bounder a smack in the eye. Somebody has to set a right example by beginning. Well, let it be a Bridgenorth. I believe in family blood and tradition, by George.
THE BISHOP [musing] I wonder who will begin the stand against marriage. It must come some day. I was married myself before I'd thought about it; and even if I had thought about it I was too much in love with Alice to let anything stand in the way. But, you know, Ive seen one of our daughters after another—Ethel, Jane, Fanny, and Christina and Florence—go out at that door in their veils and orange blossoms; and Ive always wondered whether theyd have gone quietly if theyd known what they were doing. Ive a horrible misgiving about that pamphlet. All progress means war with Society. Heaven forbid that Edith should be one of the combatants!
St John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He is a very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts, correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too much preoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as to his appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. He talks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindly consideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom he does not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers with him or try in vain to snub him.
COLLINS [announcing] Mr Hotchkiss. [He withdraws].
HOTCHKISS [clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passes him] Tootle loo, Rejjy.
REGINALD [curtly, without rising or turning his head] Morning.
HOTCHKISS. Good morning, Bishop.
THE BISHOP [coming off the table]. What on earth are you doing here, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom's party: youve no business here until after the ceremony.
HOTCHKISS. Yes, I know: thats just it. May I have a word with you in private? Rejjy or any of the family wont matter; but—[he glances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as he strongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss in Reginald's domestic affairs].
THE BISHOP. All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, General Bridgenorth. [He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, with his hands clasped behind him].
HOTCHKISS. Oh, good! [He turns to the General, and takes out a card-case]. As you are in the service, allow me to introduce myself. Read my card, please. [He presents his card to the astonished General].
THE GENERAL [reading] "Mr St John Hotchkiss, the Celebrated Coward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers."
REGINALD [with a chuckle] He was sent back from South Africa because he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commanding officer's plan.
THE GENERAL [very gravely] I remember the case now. I had forgotten the name. I'll not refuse your acquaintance, Mr Hotchkiss; partly because youre my brother's guest, and partly because Ive seen too much active service not to know that every man's nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that some very honorable men should never go into action at all, because theyre not built that way. But if I were you I should not use that visiting card. No doubt it's an honorable trait in your character that you dont wish any man to give you his hand in ignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us to forget. We wish to forget. It isnt your disgrace alone: it's a disgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking.
HOTCHKISS [sunnily] My dear General, I dont know what fear means in the military sense of the word. Ive fought seven duels with the sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France, without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I could vindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack at Smutsfontein. I dont pretend to be a brave man. I'm afraid of wasps. I'm afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I'm afraid of ghosts; and twice Ive fled across Europe from false alarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. [He turns gaily to Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder]. Eh, Rejjy? [Reginald grunts].
THE GENERAL. Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein?
HOTCHKISS. I did my duty—my higher duty. If I had made that attack, my commanding officer's plan would have been successful, and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that the British Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemen alone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my military career—I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than give that man his chance.
THE GENERAL [generously indignant] Your commanding officer, sir, was my friend Major Billiter.
HOTCHKISS. Precisely. What a name!
THE GENERAL. And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allege that Major Billiter is not a gentleman?
HOTCHKISS. By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stamp a man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon.
THE GENERAL [very angry] Confound you, _I_ eat rice pudding with a spoon. Now!
HOTCHKISS. Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doing these things. Billiter's way was unmistakable.
THE GENERAL. Well, I'll tell you something now. When I thought you were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what I could to help you back to your place in Society—
HOTCHKISS [interrupting him] Thank you: I havnt lost it. My motives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorary member of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth came out.
THE GENERAL. Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you are a jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself.
THE BISHOP [amused, but hospitably remonstrant] My dear Boxer!
HOTCHKISS [delighted] How kind of you to say so, General! Youre quite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of England lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people are snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They love nobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a man risen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. I agree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduate days I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel toward a common man as I do towards a duke. I couldnt. Neither can you. Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what is above us? Why dont I say that an honest man's the noblest work of God? Because I dont think so. If he's not a gentleman, I dont care whether he's honest or not: I shouldnt let his son marry my daughter. And thats the test, mind. Thats the test. You feel as I do. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but on principle. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, but as the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its first martyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in Captains Kirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under Admiral Benbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them their glory.
THE GENERAL. As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you that if any officer under my command violated the sacred equality of our profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk on the shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I'd shoot him with my own hand.
HOTCHKISS. That sentiment is not your equality, General, but your superiority. Ask the Bishop. [He seats himself on the edge of the table].
THE BISHOP. I cant support you, Sinjon. My profession also compels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to do such a terribly democratic thing to every child that is brought to me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rank so high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seem like the medals they give children in Infant Schools in comparison. I'm not allowed to make any class distinction. They are all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters.
HOTCHKISS. Ah, youre quoting the Baptism service. Thats not a bit real, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much more at peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confess your real convictions. You know you dont really think a Bishop the equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment the equal of a general.
THE BISHOP. Of course I do. I was a curate myself.
THE GENERAL. And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment.
REGINALD. And I was nothing. But we're all our own and one another's equals, arnt we? So perhaps when youve quite done talking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever business Sinjon came about.
HOTCHKISS [coming off the table hastily] my dear fellow. I beg a thousand pardons. Oh! true, It's about the wedding?
THE GENERAL. What about the wedding?
HOTCHKISS. Well, we cant get our man up to the scratch. Cecil has locked himself in his room and wont see or speak to any one. I went up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I should look through the keyhole if he didnt answer. I looked through the keyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. [Reginald rises in consternation. The General recoils]. I told him not to be an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge until he had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time it was, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a rather important appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner I stopped interrupting him, the sooner he'd be ready. Then he stuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; and buried himself in his beastly book. I couldnt get another word out of him; so I thought I'd better come here and warn you.
REGINALD. This looks to me like theyve arranged it between them.
THE BISHOP. No. Edith has no sense of humor. And Ive never seen a man in a jocular mood on his wedding morning.
Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a young gentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat careworn by an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insoluble problems of conduct.
COLLINS [announcing] Mr Cecil Sykes. [He retires].
HOTCHKISS. Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. Youve no business here until after the wedding. Hang it, man! youre the bridegroom.
SYKES. [coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with dogged desperation] Ive come here to say this. When I proposed to Edith I was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in for legally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me at your mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that I protest. [He sits down distractedly in the railed chair].
- [The general and Reginald together, both highly incensed:]
THE GENERAL. What the devil do you mean by this? What the— REGINALD. Confound your impertinence, what do you—
HOTCHKISS. Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady.
- [Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss sits on his right, appeasing him.]
THE BISHOP. No, please, Rej. Control yourself. Boxer, I beg you.
THE GENERAL. I tell you I cant control myself. Ive been controlling myself for the last half-hour until I feel like bursting. [He sits down furiously at the end of the table next the study.]
SYKES [pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boiling General] Thats just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle's niece. She cant control herself any more than they can. And she's a Bishop's daughter. That means that she's engaged in social work of all sorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and all that. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once a week) she doesnt care what she says.
REGINALD. Well: you knew that when you proposed to her.
SYKES. Yes; but I didnt know that when we were married I should be legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all her property is protected against me as if I were the lowest thief and cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax's essays on Men's Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me. Bishop: I'm not thinking of myself: I would face anything for Edith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on my property. I'd rather have to cut off an inch from my right arm than a hundred a year from my mother's income. I owe everything to her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comes in through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand, principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet as much a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt child of a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as the typical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all her childish affectations of conscientious scruple and religious impulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has become an ethical snob of the first water. Her father's sense of humor and her mother's placid balance have done something to save her humanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will, unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carry everything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes command of the party at once.
EDITH [standing behind Cecil's chair] Cecil: I heard your voice. I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go away everybody.
THE BISHOP [crossing to the study door] I think there can be no doubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. [He stands in the doorway, waiting for them to follow].
SYKES. Thats it, you see. It's just this outspokenness that makes my position hard, much as I admire her for it.
EDITH. Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful?
SYKES. No, not exactly that.
EDITH. Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful?
HOTCHKISS. Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it's the very first qualification for tolerable social intercourse.
THE GENERAL [markedly] I hope you will always tell ME the truth, my darling, at all events.
EDITH [complacently coming to the fireplace] You can depend on me for that, Uncle Boxer.
HOTCHKISS. Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what the truth about a military man really is?
REGINALD [aggressively] Whats the truth about you, I wonder?
HOTCHKISS. Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. If Miss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave the room.
REGINALD. I'm not at all surprised to hear it. [Rising] But whats it got to do with our business here to-day? Is it you thats going to be married or is it Edith?
HOTCHKISS. I'm so sorry, I get so interested in myself that I thrust myself into the front of every discussion in the most insufferable way. [Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust, crosses the kitchen towards the study door]. But, my dear Rejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to be married? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth?
Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo and Lesbia.
LEO. Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dash downstairs. [She comes to the end of the table next the fireplace].
MRS BRIDGENORTH [transfixed in the middle of the kitchen] And Cecil!!
LESBIA. And Sinjon!
THE BISHOP. Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. [Mrs Bridgenorth comes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before]. Let us go into my study.
LEO. But she must come and dress. Look at the hour!
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Come, Leo dear. [Leo follows her reluctantly. They are about to go into the study with the Bishop].
HOTCHKISS. Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfully like to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil.
REGINALD [scandalized] Well!
EDITH. Who is poor Cecil, pray?
HOTCHKISS. One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: I dont know why. I'm his best man, you know. Dont you think it gives me a certain right to be present in Cecil's interest?
THE GENERAL [gravely] There is such a thing as delicacy, Mr Hotchkiss.
HOTCHKISS. There is such a thing as curiosity, General.
THE GENERAL [furious] Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred. Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study.
The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himself into the last chair on the long side of the table, near the garden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs Bridgenorth next Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; and the Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her.
HOTCHKISS [to Edith] Of course I'll go if you wish me to. But Cecil's objection to go through with it was so entirely on public grounds—
EDITH [with quick suspicion] His objection?
SYKES. Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly said that I'm ready to go through with it.
EDITH. Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raising difficulties about our marriage?
SYKES. I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful what you say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when we are married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Only last week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnery were scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damages apiece from me for that if we'd been married at the time.
EDITH [austerely] I never said anything of the sort. I never stoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if I did? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants, liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse.
HOTCHKISS. I'm afraid that would be at least five thousand pounds.
SYKES. If it were only myself, I shouldnt care. But my mother and sisters! Ive no right to sacrifice them.
EDITH. You neednt be alarmed. I'm not going to be married.
ALL THE REST. Not!
SYKES [in consternation] Edith! Are you throwing me over?
EDITH. How can I? you have been beforehand with me.
SYKES. On my honor, no. All I said was that I didnt know the law when I asked you to be my wife.
EDITH. And you wouldnt have asked me if you had. Is that it?
SYKES. No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little more careful—not to ruin me uselessly.
EDITH. You think the truth useless?
HOTCHKISS. Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently most mischievous.
EDITH. Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool!
MRS BRIDGENORTH } [shocked] { Edith! THE BISHOP } { My love!
HOTCHKISS [mildly] I shall not take an action, Cecil.
EDITH [to Hotchkiss] Sorry; but you are old enough to know better. [To the others] And now since there is to be no wedding, we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collins to cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the club girls? My not being married is no reason why they should be disappointed. [She turns to go].
HOTCHKISS [gallantly] If youll allow me to take Cecil's place, Miss Bridgenorth—
LEO. Sinjon!
HOTCHKISS. Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. [To Edith, apologetically] A prior engagement.
EDITH. What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadnt you two better get married at once? I dont approve of long engagements. The breakfast's ready: the cake's ready: everything's ready. I'll lend Leo my veil and things.
THE BISHOP. I'm afraid they must wait until the decree is made absolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable.
EDITH. Oh well, it cant be helped. Is there anything else before I go off to the Club?
SYKES. You dont seem much disappointed, Edith. I cant help saying that much.
EDITH. And you cant help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. We shant be any worse friends, shall we?
SYKES [distractedly] Of course not. Still—I'm perfectly ready— at least—if it were not for my mother—Oh, I dont know what to do. Ive been so fond of you; and when the worry of the wedding was over I should have been so fond of you again—
EDITH [petting him] Come, come! dont make a scene, dear. Youre quite right. I dont think a woman doing public work ought to get married unless her husband feels about it as she does. I dont blame you at all for throwing me over.
REGINALD [bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the General to the other end of the table] No: dash it! I'm not going to stand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Be honest, Edith. Why werent you dressed? Were you going to throw him over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; and dont put it all on him.
HOTCHKISS [sweetly] Would it not be better—
REGINALD [violently] Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you to cut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle?
HOTCHKISS. I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle, Reginald.
REGINALD. Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are you not?
SYKES. Ive already said that I'm quite ready. A promise is a promise.
REGINALD. We dont want to know whether a promise is a promise or not. Cant you answer yes or no without spoiling it and setting Hotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on her veil and goes to Church, will you marry her?
SYKES. Certainly. Yes.
REGINALD. Thats all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and off with you to the church. The bridegroom's waiting. [He sits down at the table].
EDITH. Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars and thieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my hands conclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse?
SYKES. I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you; and now I cant go back. I hope Providence will spare my poor mother. I say again I'm ready to marry you.
EDITH. Then I think you shew great weakness of character; and instead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a better example. I want to know is this true. [She produces a pamphlet and takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss and her mother].
THE BISHOP [reading the title] Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO? BY A WOMAN WHO HAS DONE IT. May I ask, my dear, what she did?
EDITH. She got married. When she had three children—the eldest only four years old—her husband committed a murder, and then attempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguring himself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitude for life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infant children. And she could not get a divorce from that horrible murderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. For twenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children by her own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up and beginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out to disgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decently married, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is that really the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a mur- der, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I cant get divorced from him?
THE BISHOP. Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him for better for worse.
EDITH. Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wicked contract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sort of Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better for worse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them in every sort of wickedness. Surely my husband's conduct is of more importance to me than Mr Balfour's or Mr Asquith's. If I had known the law I would never have consented. I dont believe any woman would if she realized what she was doing.
SYKES. But I'm not going to commit murder.
EDITH. How do you know? Ive sometimes wanted to murder Slattox. Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy?
REGINALD [at Hotchkiss, with intense expression] Yes.
LEO. Rejjy!
REGINALD. I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night, Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished up with myself; and thats the truth.
LEO [suddenly whimpering] Oh Rejjy [she runs to him and kisses him].
REGINALD [wrathfully] Be off. [She returns weeping to her seat].
MRS BRIDGENORTH [petting Leo, but speaking to the company at large] But isnt all this great nonsense? What likelihood is there of any of us committing a crime?
HOTCHKISS. Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once very carefully; and I found things I have actually done—things that everybody does, I imagine—would expose me, if I were found out and prosecuted, to ten years' penal servitude, two years hard labor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I'm a private trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulent one. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starve occasionally, and the children get no education. And I'm probably as honest a man as any here.
THE GENERAL [outraged] Do you imply that I have been guilty of conduct that would expose me to penal servitude?
HOTCHKISS. I should think it quite likely, but of course I dont know.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But bless me! marriage is not a question of law, is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surely thats enough?
HOTCHKISS. If it's enough, why get married?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must get married. [Uneasily] Alfred: why dont you say something? Surely youre not going to let this go on.
THE GENERAL. Ive been waiting for the last twenty minutes, Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop to all this. We look to you: it's your place, your office, your duty. Exert your authority at once.
THE BISHOP. You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him. I'm sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself have waited twenty years for this to happen. Ive often wrestled with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were first made human, it could never become divine.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get married. What would you have said if Cecil's parents had not been married?
THE BISHOP. They were not, my dear.
HOTCHKISS } { Hallo! REGINALD } { What d'ye mean? THE GENERAL } { Eh? LEO } { Not married! MRS. BRIDGENORTH } { What?
SYKES [rising in amazement] What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My parents were married.
HOTCHKISS. You cant remember, Cecil.
SYKES. Well, I never asked my mother to shew me her marriage lines, if thats what you mean. What man ever has? I never suspected—I never knew—Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad?
THE BISHOP. Dont be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself, until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic, was that a marriage?
SYKES [overwhelmed] Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I never thought of that. I'm a child of sin. [He collapses into the railed chair].
THE BISHOP. Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the Church's sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable, its power over men and women was taken away from it; and marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable, those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years—or perhaps months. Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows.
THE GENERAL. Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships?
THE BISHOP. Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the Deceased Wife's Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming law.
THE GENERAL. But when the Government sounded you as to whether youd marry a man to his deceased wife's sister you very naturally and properly told them youd see them damned first.
THE BISHOP [horrified] No, no, really, Boxer! You must not—
THE GENERAL [impatiently] Oh, of course I dont mean that you used those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it.
THE BISHOP. Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to approve of them?
THE GENERAL. I dont defend Reginald. He should have kicked you out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss.
REGINALD [rising] How could I kick him out of the house? He's stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that. He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my wife's affections from me and establish himself in my place? [He comes to the hearth].
HOTCHKISS. I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to prevent the smash.
REGINALD. Oh, I know you did: I dont blame you: people dont do these things to one another: they happen and they cant be helped. What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice —told us what to do when we didnt know. She found out that I wasnt any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me the chuck.
LEO. If you dont stop talking in that disgraceful way about our married life, I'll leave the room and never speak to you again.
REGINALD. Youre not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you? Do you suppose I'm going to visit you when you marry him?
HOTCHKISS. I hope so. Surely youre not going to be vindictive, Rejjy. Besides, youll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed. Youll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news, the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband.
REGINALD [savagely] Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is about Edith? [He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to his chair].
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on if nobody is to get married?
SYKES. Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him and wont marry him?
LEO. Will somebody tell me how I'm to arrange to take care of Rejjy when I'm married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that told all those wicked lies about him in Court.
HOTCHKISS. Let us draw up the first English partnership deed.
LEO. For shame, Sinjon!
THE BISHOP. Somebody must begin, my dear. Ive a very strong suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to morality by just trying how the new system would work.
LESBIA [suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway] Ive been thinking.
THE BISHOP [to Hotchkiss] Nothing like making people think: is there, Sinjon?
LESBIA [coming to the table, on the General's left] A woman has no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the statistics given in The Times by Mr Sidney Webb.
THE GENERAL. Mr Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice of Nature.
LESBIA. But if she is an English lady it is her right and her duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with Boxer.
The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and speechless.
EDITH [rising] And I with Cecil.
LEO [rising] And I with Rejjy and St John.
THE GENERAL [aghast] An alliance! Do you mean a—a—a—
REGINALD. She only means bigamy, as I understand her.
THE GENERAL. Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to real life—
Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman's robes. The ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned as possible.
COLLINS. Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding music in Lohengrin three times over.
THE GENERAL. The very man we want. Alfred: I'm not equal to this crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and appeal to the Municipality.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this difficulty.
Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss's left.
HOTCHKISS [rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown] Ive not had the pleasure. Will you introduce me?
COLLINS [confidentially] All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr Alderman Collins, sir, when I'm in my gown.
HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again].
THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him—
EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he will agree with me.
COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask what the difficulty is?
EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the existing state of the law?
SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to you as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me?
REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins and Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Let this be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backing out: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth].
LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly ready to make a reasonable arrangement.
LEO. With both men.
THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put it to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy nonsense?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins?
COLLINS [snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he has heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid of that. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people think.
EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you.
HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talking about, Mr Alderman?
COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first: youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me.
HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing already.
THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full—well, I dont wish to exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable offers, but as I understand it—and I'm sure I beg your pardon most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am—they actually call on us to enter into—I'm sorry to use the expression; but what can I say?—into ALLIANCES with them under contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors.
COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties belong to the same class.
THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it.
COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at present, my lord.
THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you think of the contract system, Collins?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and white; and then we shall know what we're about.
HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop?
THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon.
Hotchkiss goes into the library.
COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord—
THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his seat].
COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not fair.
REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean.
LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in him?
Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the Bishop.
COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain lady that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and instinct in affairs of the heart.
HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a snob; and I warn you that theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise us frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us. What is the social position of this lady?
COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in- law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, my lord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs George is a real person?
COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment.
THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to be true. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce her if you are to convince me.
COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that—Well I never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to see the wedding.
THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come, Collins! confess. Theres no such person.
COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask George. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord.
THE BISHOP. I!
COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my lord—the official ring—send it by some very stylish gentleman— perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it—and she'll come.
THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss] Oblige me by undertaking the mission.
HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady?
COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back.
HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline the mission.
THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that ring, Mr Hotchkiss.
HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him].
THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall be proud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly, Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity].
REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way.
HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will take all the attention off the Beadle.
COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the contract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better finish the writing part of the business before she arrives.
HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right. [Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as follows.'
LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft over his shoulder].
HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft].
LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There ought to be two gentlemen.
COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of ladies or gentlemen can be put in.
LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that creature wasnt a lady.
REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of contract for everybody: it's not your tract.
LEO. Then what use is it to me?
HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract.
EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain straightforward truth and nothing but the truth.
COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing underhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were.
EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so.
HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You know, Mr Alderman.
COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows.
THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice, where is Soames?
HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study].
THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to the devil—
EDITH [shocked] Papa!
THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner. Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his- tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman. Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to, because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life. So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died— by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart—I ordained Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits]. Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by blessing them with two fingers.
HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself].
THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony.
SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames. My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may come to hold in abhorrence.
THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document we are drafting?
SOAMES. She has indeed.
LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved. ++++++++++++++++++Part I
SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior.
THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your best advice.
SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony?
SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: keeping the world going is in higher hands.
LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible.
SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt expect you would. Well, I await your instructions.
REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin with?
SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract.
EDITH. What does that mean?
SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good.
LEO. But this is a marriage contract.
SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day?
REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A day!
SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what does it matter?
LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing to do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced.
REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like. Thats what I say.
COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fast with one and loose with the other.
LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself.
THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of a good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift.
REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home?
LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man wont want her all the time.
LESBIA. There may not be another man.
LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him?
LESBIA. Because she wants to.
LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to, then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to the oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss].
REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you?
LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms, Rejjy.
THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr Alderman?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as if marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as many different sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people. Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing what theyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort and companionship. Theres the people that marry for children. Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arnt fit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre so much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to it somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience, and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are you to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen different sorts of contract.
THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it.
REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it or not? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy.
COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together when thats all over—when the girls are married and the boys out in the world and in business for themselves? When thats done with, the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part, as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of one another. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tied together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the youngest child.
SOAMES. How if there be no children?
COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins!
LEO. You wicked old man—
THE BISHOP [remonstrating] My dear, my dear!
LESBIA. And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no longer liked, as you call it?
SOAMES [with sardonic formality] It is proposed that the term of the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest child when there are children. Any amendment?
LEO. I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage at all if it were not for life.
SOAMES. Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder?
LEO. Dont be soulless, Anthony.
LESBIA. I have a very important amendment. If there are any children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous, importunate, and ridiculous.
COLLINS. But where is he to go, miss?
LESBIA. He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother the mother.
REGINALD. And is she to be left lonely—
LESBIA. Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too glad to have a moment to herself. Dont be absurd, Rejjy.
REGINALD. That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast, living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends' wives!
LESBIA [ironically] Poor fellow!
HOTCHKISS. The friends' wives are perhaps the solution of the problem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and the poor ladies will occasionally pine for male society.
LESBIA. There is no reason why a mother should not have male society. What she clearly should not have is a husband.
SOAMES. Anything else, Miss Grantham?
LESBIA. Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my own separate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I cant endure tobacco. Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold and exposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We can be friends; but we cant live together; and that must be put in the agreement.
EDITH. Ive no objection to smoking; and as to opening the windows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for his health.
THE BISHOP. Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he?
EDITH. Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders.
REGINALD. Doctor be—!