Christmas Cards
Being the songs of an old Scrooge
I. TO A JANITOR
Native of Sweden or Norway,
Tyrant of terrible type,
Standing around in the doorway,
Smoking a miserable pipe—
Tyrant of terrible type,
Standing around in the doorway,
Smoking a miserable pipe—
Thou who refusest to steam up,
Thou who denyest me heat,
Thou who wilt not send my cream up,
Thou who purloinest my meat—
Thou who denyest me heat,
Thou who wilt not send my cream up,
Thou who purloinest my meat—
Father of infants whose weeping
All through the perilous night
Loudly inhibits my sleeping—
Read, if thou canst, what I write:
All through the perilous night
Loudly inhibits my sleeping—
Read, if thou canst, what I write:
Why, at this holiday season,
Should I drop into the slot
Money? There isn’t a reason;
Therefore, old chap, I shall not.
Should I drop into the slot
Money? There isn’t a reason;
Therefore, old chap, I shall not.
II. TO A STENOGRAPHER
Person feminine of gender,
Pounding at the lettered keys,
Think you that I should surrender
Tribute, be it ne’er so slender?
Lithe and listen, please:
Pounding at the lettered keys,
Think you that I should surrender
Tribute, be it ne’er so slender?
Lithe and listen, please:
You who, chafing at your fetters,
Say you “Do not have to work,”
Queen of pompadoured coquetters
How you hate to take my letters!
How you love to shirk!
Say you “Do not have to work,”
Queen of pompadoured coquetters
How you hate to take my letters!
How you love to shirk!
You who take two hours for luncheon—
Cake and soda, as it seems,
Being all that make your nuncheon,
While all afternoon you munch on
Callow chocolate creams.
Cake and soda, as it seems,
Being all that make your nuncheon,
While all afternoon you munch on
Callow chocolate creams.
Typist, it is truth I’m telling—
Pardon mine insurgency—
But, O maid at work rebelling,
Scorner of the rules of spelling,
Not a cent from me!
Pardon mine insurgency—
But, O maid at work rebelling,
Scorner of the rules of spelling,
Not a cent from me!
III. TO AN ELEVATOR BOY
You leave me waiting on my floor,
Although I press the button hard.
Day after day do you ignore
This bard.
Although I press the button hard.
Day after day do you ignore
This bard.
I walk downstairs; a tiresome task
For one aweary, worn and old.
And now at Christmas-time you ask
For gold!
For one aweary, worn and old.
And now at Christmas-time you ask
For gold!
Shall I a good cigar deny
Myself? A quarter? Make your lot
A bit more bearable? Well, I
Guess not!
Myself? A quarter? Make your lot
A bit more bearable? Well, I
Guess not!
IV. TO A COOK
Foreign genius culinary,
Proud but inefficient cook,
Gretchen, Olga, Hulda, Mary,
Look:
Proud but inefficient cook,
Gretchen, Olga, Hulda, Mary,
Look:
Haply thou expect’st a present
As the smallest of thy dues,
Hearken! Thou shalt hear unpleasant
News.
As the smallest of thy dues,
Hearken! Thou shalt hear unpleasant
News.
Hast thou ever tried to study
What my palate might allure?
Dost thou make the coffee muddy?
Sure.
What my palate might allure?
Dost thou make the coffee muddy?
Sure.
Though I like a peeled tomato,
Do I get it thataway?
Do I get a baked potato?
Nay.
Do I get it thataway?
Do I get a baked potato?
Nay.
Though I like my steak the rarest,
Red as the Milwaukee bricks,
Thy results but prove thou carest
Nix.
Red as the Milwaukee bricks,
Thy results but prove thou carest
Nix.
Therefore let this be the burden
Of this bit of deathless dope:
Dost thou get a Christmas guerdon?
Nope!
Of this bit of deathless dope:
Dost thou get a Christmas guerdon?
Nope!