Indira and Other Stories/Doctor Macrurus/Chapter 2
II
The lecturer resumed his discourse as follows:—
"Mr. President, Tigresses and Tigers,
I promised on a previous occasion that I would tell you something about the extraordinary marriage and other customs of men. My first and obvious duty is to fulfil that promise. I enter upon my subject at once without any preliminary apologies.
You all know what is meant by marriage. You have all from time to time contracted marriages, as occasion served. But marriage as understood by men is somewhat different. Marriage, with tigers and other civilised animals, is merely, if I may be permitted the expression, a temporary arrangement ad hoc between male and female on equal terms. Among men marriage is not infrequently a life-long union!
The marriage of men is of two kinds, 'regular and irregular.' Of these two kinds, the 'regular' or 'sacerdotal' form is held in the highest honour. The variety in which a priest intervenes is called a 'sacerdotal' marriage.
Mr. Odontokeros:—"May I ask the learned lecturer what a 'priest' is?"
"The dictionary definition is, 'a species of mankind that lives on rice and bananas and practises cheating.' But this description is plainly defective. For it is not true that all priests are vegetarians. Many eat flesh and drink intoxicating liquor: some are even omnivorous. Nor, on the other hand, can it be asserted that a diet of rice and bananas constitutes priesthood. In the town called Benares are many bulls who eat nothing else. But these are not priests, inasmuch as they do not cheat. I admit, however, that if cheats eat bananas and rice they are usually regarded as priests.
The essential quality of sacerdotal marriages is that a priest should sit solemnly and be the intermediary between bride and bridegroom. As he sits, he talks rapidly in a sing-song voice. This talk is called 'the marriage ceremony.' I regret to say that I have not been able to procure an actual specimen of the formula used on such occasions, but I gather that the allocution is somewhat as follows:—
"Oh, man and maid, be ye joined in the bonds of matrimony. If ye be thus yoked, I shall never lack sufficiency of rice and bananas. Be ye, then, joined together. On various ritual occasions in the life of this bride I shall then be in a position to intervene, and shall earn more rice and bananas. On even more frequent occasions in the life of your future offspring I shall obtain much rice and bananas. Be ye therefore joined together. In your joint existence as heads of a family you will have to perform many and meticulous ceremonies in which you will need my kindly and suitably compensated services. Be ye then indissolubly joined together. Be one flesh; never depart from one another, lest there be any deficiency in my just gains. If ye separate, ye shall meet with condign and degrading punishment. So has the wisdom of our ancestors ordained."
It is, no doubt, from fear of this punishment that sacerdotal marriage is regarded as indissoluble. On the other hand, the form of marriage which is in force among us is called 'irregular' marriage. I cannot say that it is unknown in men's society. There are indeed men and women who make use of both forms of marriage. There is, however, this difference, that 'sacerdotal' marriage is never, I think, secretly contracted, whereas the other kind is always very carefully concealed. I understand that if one man happens to become aware that another man has contracted an irregular marriage, he immediately assaults or otherwise persecutes him. There can be little doubt that this is due to priestly instigation, since it is by means of 'sacerdotal' marriage that this variety of men procures rice and bananas. The most remarkable feature of these marriage customs is that men who have themselves entered into irregular unions will unhesitatingly attack those who follow their example. My own personal inference is that the majority of men are secretly in favour of marriage as practised among us, but dare not say so for fear of their 'priests.' I ascertained, during my stay among men, that it is chiefly among the higher orders of men that such unions are in vogue. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, it is the most advanced and refined of mankind who follow the customs of our ancient race in this matter. We may be permitted to hope that social progress among this interesting species may lead to the universal adoption of the more rational and civilised form of union. Indeed many of the wisest and noblest of men, have written books in favour of what has beautifully been called 'Free Love.' May I respectfully suggest that such men of light and leading might be elected honorary members of our Congress? If this could be effected I trust that our younger friends will carefully refrain from regarding our honorary members as articles of food. After all, they resemble us in possessing a genuine, a philosophic instinct for social advancement.
There is one interesting variety of irregular marriage which may be defined as 'pecuniary marriage.' In such cases an interchange of coins occurs between the parties."
Mr. Odontokeros:—"What is coin, pray?"
"Coin is a kind of god worshipped by men. With your kind permission, I should like to say a few words on the subject of this interesting cult. Of all the many deities adored by men, coin is undoubtedly held in the highest reverence. It is represented by very curious images, constructed in gold, silver and copper. For some reason unknown to me, these images are never made of iron, tin, or wood. They are carefully bestowed in receptacles of silk, wool, cotton and leather. Men pay their devotions to them night and day, and are ever occupied in the endeavour to procure access to these miraculous images. Any house in which much coin is known to exist is thronged with eager worshippers. So much so that I have known them to refuse to depart even when assaulted and forcibly ejected. The priest of this deity, if I may so describe those in whose abodes it takes up its habitation, are held in high public regard. If such a dignitary should deign to cast a look on an ordinary man, such a person is filled with modest pride.
It must be admitted that the deity in question is all-powerful and omnipresent in the transactions of men. There is no commodity in use among them that cannot be obtained by its intervention. There is no crime which cannot be committed under its auspices. No fault is there but can be overlooked by invoking its beneficent aid. What virtue is there that is recognised in human society unless it have the indispensable support of coin? He in whose home this most excellent of divinities has taken up its abode may be regarded as infallible. It is the sacred possession of money that constitutes wisdom among men. The scholar, however great his learning, is regarded as a fool if he does not possess the tribal deity. If we speak of a Great Tiger, the term implies the possession of strength, beauty, and valour. But if a man is called Great Man, we are not to suppose that he is eight or ten feet long. No, the expression merely signifies that he has the sacred image in his possession, by whatever means it may be acquired. If a man lacks this advantage, he is called 'a low fellow', no matter what his actual stature may be.
When I first became acquainted with the marvellous qualities of this deity, it occurred to me that I might advocate the extension of its cult to our community. I was deterred, however, by my subsequent investigations. I discovered, alas, that this insidious power is the very root and origin of the calamities of men. Tigers and other leading species of animals do not dislike and envy one another. Far otherwise is it with the miserable race of men. They detest and envy one another to an incredible degree, and the sole cause of this extraordinary state of things is their principal deity. In their greed for its possession, they are always planning the downfall of their fellows. In my previous discourse I told you how thousands of them will meet together to 'wage war', as they call it. It is coin which is the sole cause of this disastrous custom. In the service of this really maleficent deity men inflict death, wounds, disease, slander, envy, malice, and all uncharitableness upon one another. You will not be surprised, then, that on further consideration I gave up all thought of introducing this dangerous and unsocial cult into our happy and innocent community.
But men do not understand this. I have already explained to you that they are naturally addicted to mutual destruction. In the search for the curious round images of gold and silver which they worship, they will shrink from no action, however foolish and unsocial.
There are many other customs of men as irrational and ludicrous as their marriage customs. But I fear to interfere with your 'business' arrangements if I continue my discourse. Perhaps I may have some other opportunity of discussing these matters at greater length."
With these words the learned professor resumed his seat amid a great slapping of tails. An erudite young tiger, Macronyx,[1] by name, rose to open the discussion of the professor's discourse. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasing duty to propose a unanimous vote of thanks to the distinguished lecturer. A due regard for scientific accuracy, however, compels me to assert that his lecture was a very poor one and full of ridiculous mistakes. With all due deference, I may be allowed to say that our learned friend is little better than a fool."
Cries of "Order! Order!"
The President: "My young friend will allow me to call his attention to the fact that in polite circles it is not permissible to make use of such uncompromisingly plain speech. In parliamentarly language, of course, even more offensive imputations may properly be made."
Cries of "Hear! Hear!"
Mr. Macronyx: "I bow to the president's ruling. I will gladly say that the lecturer is an eminently truthful person, since though the bulk of his discourse is a tissue of baseless fabrications, one or two of his assertions may be accepted as true. We all admit that he is a distinguished savant. Many of us may be of opinion that his discourse contains nothing that was worth saying. But let us be grateful for the instruction we have received from his lips to-day, even if I am reluctantly unable to give my support to all his statements. More particularly, if I may be allowed to say so, he is hopelessly mistaken in the account he has given us of the institution of marriage among men. Among us, if any tiger, with a view to the continuance of the species, consorts with a fair tigress, that constitutes matrimony. (I would beg my learned hearers, in passing, to note the etymology of the word 'consort'. It is made up of con, implying union, and sors, fate or accident.) The marriage of men is not of this sort. Man is by nature a weak and dependent animal. Hence every man has a need of a superior, and is compelled to appoint a female of his own species to be his guide and ruler. This, gentlemen, is what they call 'matrimony'. When the ceremony is performed in the presence of witnesses, it is called a 'sacerdotal' marriage. The witnesses are known as 'priests'. The rendering of the formulae used on such occasions given by our lecturer is wholly inaccurate.
The true formula may be roughly translated as follows:—
The priest: "Tell me, do you wish me to be witness to this transaction?"
The bridegroom: "Sir, I desire you to be witness to the fact that I take this woman to be my lawful ruler and guide till death do us part."
The priest: "What else?"
The bridegroom: "I hereby promise and vow that I shall be her faithful slave and attendant. I cheerfully assume the task of providing food for our joint sustenance. Her sole duty shall be to eat what I procure."
The priest (to the bride): "What do you say?"
The bride: "I willingly take this man to be my affianced bondslave. So long as he shall be to my liking, I shall permit him to remain in my service. When I no longer desire his aid and companionship, I shall dismiss him without scruple or remorse."
The priest: "Amen, so be it."
But there are many such mistakes in the excellent discourse to which we have attentively listened. For instance, we have been told that coin is an object of worship among men. This is quite inaccurate. Coin is on the contrary a deadly poison. Men are inordinately addicted to the consumption of poisonous and harmfull substances. That is why they collect such great store of coin. Observing their regard for this commodity, I naturally assumed, in my younger days, that it was good to eat. I resolved to make an experiment of its qualities as food. One day, having slain a man on the lovely banks of the Vidyadhari river, I found some coins amongst his clothing. I immediately swallowed them. The next day I suffered severely from indigestion. What doubt, then, can there be that coin is a kind of poison?"
After several other speeches had been delivered, the president closed the proceedings by addressing the following brief but eloquent words to the Congress:—
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
The evening is now far advanced and the usual time for 'business' is at hand. To put the matter in a concrete form, who knows when a herd of deer may present itself? I will not therefore try your patience with a long address. I am sure you will agree with me that the speeches we have heard this evening have been excellent, and we are much obliged to our learned lecturer for supplying us with so interesting and suggestive a subject for discussion. One conclusion we must all have drawn from what we have heard, and that is that men are a very uncivilised species. We, on the other hand, are a highly civilised race. It is our obvious duty to do all that lies in our power to educate and improve the race of men. I humbly believe that it has pleased Providence to send us to this beautiful land of the Sunderbans for no other purpose. Moreover it is not unlikely that the higher men mount in the scale of civilisation, the more tender and delicious will be their flesh, and the more easily we shall be able to capture them. For, the better their education, the more clearly will they understand that the principal object of their existence is to furnish food for tigers. This is the kind of civilisation which it befits us to impart to them. I commit this view of the matter to your attentive consideration. It is the high destiny of the race of tigers, firstly, to educate men, and, secondly, to devour them."
This genial summary of the discussion was received with loud applause, and with a cordial vote of thanks to the president, the meeting dispersed, each departing as his experience or whim led him in search of his own 'business.'
It happened that the place of meeting was surrounded by lofty trees, screened by whose leaves a party of monkeys had silently listened to the discussion. When the tigers had departed, one of these monkeys poked his face through the leaves, and asked,
"Tell me, brother, are you there?"
The other replied, "Sir, at your service!"
The first monkey: "Come along then, and let us talk over what these tiger people have been saying."
The second monkey: "Goodness, why?"
The first monkey: "These tigers are our hereditary enemies. Let us gratify our ancient enmity by saying frankly what we think of them."
The second monkey: "By all means. Frankness of the kind you mean is natural to us monkey folk."
The first monkey: "Very well. But are you sure none of the creatures is still hanging about?"
The second monkey: "No, they are all gone. All the same, we may as well conduct our discussion in the safe shelter of these branches."
The first monkey: "A very proper precaution. Otherwise, if we were recognised, we might some day meet one of these gentlemen, and furnish an untimely meal for his inextinguishable hunger."
The second monkey: "Now what evil have you to say of these brutal tyrants?"
The first monkey: "In the first place, they talk most ungrammatically. We monkeys are admittedly experts in grammar. Their grammar differs lamentably from our monkey grammar."
The second monkey: "True. What else?"
The first monkey: "Their language is very disagreeable to the ear."
The second monkey: "Exactly. They do not use monkey speech."
The first monkey: "For instance, their president used this cumbrous expression, 'it is the high destiny of the race of tigers, firstly, to educate men, and, secondly, to devour them.' Why could he not have said, 'Eat them first and educate them afterwards?' That would have been a much more reasonable remark."
The second monkey: "No doubt, no doubt. Else why are we called monkeys?"
The first monkey: "These people have no idea how to conduct a discussion, or what language to use. During the making of a speech, it is befitting to gibber, to leap from place to place, to screw up the face in an expressive manner, to nibble a banana from time to time. What they ought to do is to take some lessons in oratory from us."
The second monkey: "They might then have some hope of being monkeys and not mere tigers."
In the meanwhile some other monkeys took courage to emerge from their hiding-places. One of them remarked:
"In my opinion, the chief fault of the oratory consisted in this that the president, relying on his own unaided wits, made use of various expressions for which there is no precedent in literature. All phrases that have not been carefully chewed and digested by classical authors are extremely faulty. We are monkey folk, and during long ages have spent our time in chewing. That the tiger people have not followed our example must be attributed as sin to them."
At this point a lovely young lady monkey observed, "I could make a list of a thousand faults in the discussion. Hundreds of times I could not understand what they were talking about. What greater fault can there be than to fail to make yourself intelligible to the ladies in the audience?"
Another monkey said, "I am not sure that I can point out any specific errors in all this speechifying. But I can do what no tiger ever did. I can grimace hideously and display my breeding and wit by the use of the foulest and most disgusting abuse."
In such fashion the monkey folk poured scorn on their hereditary foes. A stout elderly monkey closed the discussion by remarking, "What a pity Professor Macrurus cannot hear these scathing criticisms of his lecture! He would no doubt retire to his den, and perish from sheer mortification. Come, my friends; let us go and eat bananas."
- ↑ Dirghanakha or "Long-nails" in the original.