Indira and Other Stories/Indira/Chapter 5
V.
In the depth of night, when everybody had supped and retired to rest, I stole silently into my master's guest-chamber, of which my husband was the sole occupant.
Remember, this was my first interview with my husband since I had come to woman's estate. How shall I tell you of the queer mixture of pride and shame I felt? I am a sad chatter-box, but when I first addressed him, the words would not come, somehow. I felt as if I dared not speak. I began to tremble in every limb. I could hear my heart beating. My tongue was parched in my mouth. Failing speech, what must I do but fall to crying!
The stupid man, he misunderstood my silly tears! Guess what he said. He said:
"Why are you crying? I did not send for you. You have come of your own accord, and now you cry!"
The cruel speech caused me horrible pain. He considered me a shameless wretch, a suppliant for his favours! My tears flowed afresh at the thought. For a moment I resolved to tell him at once. I could not bear the pain of his scorn. But again it occurred to me that if I told him, he might not believe me. I had told him that my home was at Kaladighi. He would guess that I had heard of his wife's adventure, and was impersonating her for mercenary motives. If some such suspicion were to cross his mind, how was I to convince him? So I resolved to keep my counsel for the present. I sighed, I wiped my eyes, I tried to engage him in conversation. After idle talk on different matters, he said:
"I was much surprised to hear you say that your home is at Kaladighi. I should never have dreamed that such a delightful little person could be born in such a place. I find it difficult to believe, even now, that such a charming girl comes from our rough countryside."
This gave my woman's wits the opportunity for which I was waiting. "You are pleased to flatter a poor servant," I said, "but every one in our country knows that it was your wife who was our reigning beauty. Tell me, sir, have you any news of her?"
"No," he replied coldly, "how long is it since you left home?"
I replied, "it was soon after your wife was carried off that I came here. I suppose, sir, you have married again?"
The answer, to my relief, was "No."
Yes, I was very glad to hear that he had not taken another wife to himself. What I said was, "Of course with such big people as you, a second marriage is a serious matter. If you were to recover your first wife, there might be trouble between the two ladies."
The wretch laughed carelessly and said, "No fear of that, my dear! Supposing she were to turn up, I should not take her back. Think of the scandal! What has become of her caste all this while?"
It was like a thunderbolt! All my hopes were shattered in an instant. What, even if I had revealed myself to him, he would not have accepted me as his wife! Was my growing regard for the creature to be squandered by his cruel words?
I had the courage to ask nevertheless, "If you should meet her now, what would you do?"
He said, with a resolute air, "I should refuse to have anything to do with her."
The heartless wretch! I stood transfixed to stone! I was sick and giddy with disappointment and disgust!
And as I sat there, at the bedside of my dear, dear husband, I said to myself, "Either you shall take me to your arms, my own, my own, or else I shall die as Hindu widows die!"