Leg of mutton

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ΤΗE

LEG OF MUTTON.

Quid dignum tanto tibi ventre galaque precabor? Mart

So wide a swallow, and so vast a paunch,
Say what shall cram?—a turbot or a haunch?

MODERN IDOLATRY.

Inpicere, tanquam in speculum, in vitas omnium Jubeo,
atque ex aliis sumere exempluin sibi.—Ter.

My advice to him is, to consult the lives of other men as
he would a looking-glass, and from thence fetch examples
for his own imitation.

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And take the (illegible text)
Nor let it fall to any sinner
To grease their graceless jaws.

THE PEDAGOGUE,

AND

Leg of Mutton.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A TALE.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thro' G——— streets our Elder hied,
When at a flesher's door he spied
A glorious Leg of Mutton;
Transfixed before the joint he stood,
The sight of which might have done good
To any hungry glutton.

For such a Leg at any door,
The Elder never saw before,
A better or a fatter;
The Mutton had been rightly fed,
It caused with streaks of white and red,
His very mouth to water.

This man of spiritual elevation,
Found in his heart a strong temptation,
To put it in his paws;
And take the Leg home to his dinner,
Nor let it fall to any sinner
To grease their graceless jaws.

For he'd listen’d to the weekly prayings,
And much admired his pastor's sayings,
Wherein it was set forth;
That pease-meal brose were very good
To feed the swinish multitude,
Those souls of little worth.

For worthy things unto the dogs,
And Legs of Mutton unto hogs,
Should not be gi'en at all;
So to secure and end the matter,
And get the joint for his own platter,
To the owner he did call:-

“ Your Mutton's price, come tell me brief,"
“ Three Shillings,” cried the man of beef,
" The best I'll swear in town?"
With some few prigging words at last,
The Elder struck a bargain fast,
To pay but half-a-crown.

The price being settled, honest———
Did rumble thro' his pouch for siliar,
Then to the Flesher said;
My pocket-book I have forgot,
« Wherein was safely laid a note,
"From which you should be paid."

The merchant cried, "there's little danger,
“ You are a decent looking stranger,
“ We'll trust you for the same;

"But lest the Mutton, when you've eat,
"To pay the same you should forget,
"I'd thank you for your name."

To save his purse, a poor half-crown,
— ———'s name he did write down
And gave it for his own.
With Leg of Mutton on his back,
He justified this worthy act,
As he limped westward home.

"Since by the laws of ordination
"I have been thrown into temptation,
“The fault could not be mine;
“For what was doom'd before creation
Will little touch my own salvation,
“Or yet be deem'd a crime.

But what are moral actions worth,
Compared with faith in myst'rous truth,
"Which fully I inherit?
"Thro' strength of faith in the elected,
"Our little faults are all neglected,
"On faith we ground our merit."

On this matter then no more he thought,
But the Mutton Leg to ——— brought
And quickly did devour.
Such a most glorious recreation
Strengthend his strokes of degradation
On those within his power.

For he was of that worthy race
Who darkness from our country chase,
And ways to knowledge teach:
He pow'rfully did enforce his laws,
With hearty thwacks of leather taws,
On each poor culprit's breech

By dint of practice and reflection,
He had found out a strong connection
Which nat'rally existed;
For honour's seat he did reflect
The door was to the intellect,
To gain cach point insisted.

And each poor dog who could not bring
At Candlemas some dainty thing,
He'd set upon a stool,
This practice good he never miss'd,
But kept them there till they were hiss'd
By all the rest in school.

And constant did the Dominie,
With clenchy foot and bowly knee,
Still follow up this plan—
And taught, moreover, by the rod,
The duties that were due to God,
And how to walk with man.

Meantime, the man in ——— town
Began to think that his half-crown
Was totally forgot;

Being deeply struck with this reflection,
To the person nam'd in the direction
A letter straight he wrote.

The answer he got to his letter
Threw some small light upon the matter,
And strengthen'd all his fears.
The flesher's case the man much did pity,
But declared he'd not been in the city
For more than nine full years.

The Butcher after chanced to be
In ——— and resolved was he,
To find the Pedagogue;
He straightway to the man repaired,
But whose appearance soon declared
That he was not the rogue.

Tho' the just man of worthy piety,
The ornament of good society,
Who gave the false direction;
Thought still that ——— by that line,
Would pay the Leg of Mutton fine,
A noble good reflection.

Howe'er, from what the Flesher said,
A thought came into ———'s head,
Of whom the man might be;
They both to ———'s school did go,
For in their hearts they longed to know
The upshot of the spree.

The teacher's rage was somewhat dunted,
To find himself thus so confronted,
By those he would have cheated;
Tho' he was bowly legg’d and fat,
He looked on this side, then on that,
And fain would have escaped.

Convinced from what he heard and saw,
That 'twould be vain for to withdraw
Without paying down the sillar?
For the Butcher with a voice of thunder,
Cried, “in your line there is a blunder,
"——— instead of ———!!!"

He from his pocket in a thrice,
Pull'd out the Leg of Mutton's price,
“I have no time to stay;
"There, take your money and begone,
“You greasy son of flesh and bone,"
He cried, and limpt away.

Let ——— Fleshers then take care,
Lest they be brought unto the fair
By this worthy man of merit;
Who for the sake of one half crown,
The rights of Honour would lay down
With such becoming spirit.

MODERN IDOLATRY.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They provoked him to jealonsy with strange gods, with abominations
provoked they him to anger.

The vicar of Bray will be vicar of Bray stil.— Proverb

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I Fain would rehearse in a few lines of verse,
The deeds of a good pious man;
'Mongst our Pastor's transactions there's some worthy actions,
Part of which we at present will scan,

He is pious and holy, a foe to all folly,
To talk things immodest or rude:
And by night and by day he would servantly pray.
That Satan be fairly subdued.

This Preacher so good at the back window stood,
When a being tript by like a Genie;
He thought 'twas Miss ———, with her heathenish tricks,
Hieing forth to the Fane of Cloacina❊.

❊ Cloncina, the name of the Deity who presides over Mortals
when incontinently affected.

For daily this fair to her shrine did repair,
To pay her unfeigned Devotion's;
But the Minister sage, waxed hot in a rage,
As he look'd on her Paganish motions.

Glow'd his heart with the fire of a holy desire,
So he after her straight did repair,
To drag from the shrine of this ancient divine
A maid so accomplished and fair.

He sware by the ——— that such things were hostile
To nature, to custom, and order;
To see a maiden so fine attend at the shrine,
His feelings threw into disorder.

He with worthy intent, to the temple door went,
There knock'd till the fabric did nod;
Tho' the lady resisted, he on entrance insisted
Like a praise-worthy servant of ———

But the man of the pulpit did mistake his culprit,
Altho' bent to root out superstition:
When the door open few, it exposed to his view
A Matron in bended position!

For the girl and her mother it seems both together,
The same superstition did follow;
And they went every day their devotions to pay,
Midst fumes of sweet-smelling savour.

This act of our Patron enraged the matron,
For the deed he had often repeated:
He would look through and pry, with inquisitive eye,
While they at their worship were seated.

She exclaim'd, “ Mr.——— more respect to the ladies,
Is due from a man in your station;
Such an action, I'm sure, would e'en by a w—e,
Be look'd on with great indignation.

More immodest, I'm sure, at this present hour
Are not under the hands of a jailor;
I swear you inherit not half of the spirit
Of your old buckrum father the Tailor.

I ne'er would have thought that a man of your coat,
With so much appearance of goodness;

Would have descended so low, as to trouble us so,
An unmannerly instance of rudeness.

That such meanness should lurch, at the head of the church.
As a Temple to try to force open;
When seated at prayer any female was there,
Persecution doth surely betoken.

Such closehooded saints, religion but taints,
Pretenders to penance and woe;
If you lift the cloak, the deception is broke,
There's a Hypocrite lurking below.

So my friends I advise you, if e’er he surprise you
With his meanness, and want of discretion,
Turn your face from the door, and bespatter him o'er,
With part of the Golden Oblation.

THE

LEARNED DOMINIE.

Gratis anhelans, multa agendo nihil agens. — Phaedr.
Out of breath to no purpose, and very busy about nothing.

(COPY)

Messrs — — —

Dear Sir!

The following remarks youll please arrange agreeably to your own mind after reading the whole Process I am much hurt at the foul aspersions against my Character as a Teacher after having taught upwards of Twenty years in this place it is the first of the kind I ever met with I appeal to three of the present Honble Magistrates namely Baillie R M'Lean whose Family I taught and I hope to his satisfaction Baillie Carswells Rider namely Mr Thomas Wylde who recd his (whole) Education at my School Baillie Buchanan who has the experience of me Teaching his Sisters Children I appeal not only to the East and West Tolls in Paisley but to all the different Sessions here who have employed me and from said bodies I am still employed and to all the men of Character who ever employed me and who are still employing me namely Merchts Manrs and honest Mechanics I appeal to the Town of Renfrew and Inchinnan namely Provest Hutcheson Messrs Kerr Davidson and others who sent their Familys at such a distance several years to my School one of that number is still employing me and to the Parishes of Beith Dunlop and Stewarton who employ me less or more every sumner I appeal to the Rector of the Grammar School here who is in the practice of receiving some of my Scholars into his Grammar School who is a fit judge to ascerain my Character as a Teacher the boys who have gone to his School nearly these twenty years he will know how they pronounce know the parts of speech and sounds of the vowels which is my habitual practice in Teaching my English Scholars John Donald and his friends well know the rapid progress his Daughter Isobella made from the Letters to read tolerable easy in the bible in less than nine months I recd lately a Certificate fron one of the present Magistrates Baillie R. M'Lean stating my Character to be unexceptionable and that I had one of the most flourishing Schools in Paisley and given himself great satisfaction in Teaching his Family and great satisfaction to the Community of Paisley and had by my assiduity and industry acquired considerable property I have a Certificate from Mr Barr Senr was a Member of Town Council at that particular time nearly a copy of Baillie R. M'Leans and to his particular knowledge he never knew'any Teacher (without emoluments) meet with the success in Teaching and acquire such property I appeal to every man of Character and who will act from principal that ever employed me and are still employing I have devoted my whole life to this day in Teaching Youth and instilling the principles of Early Piety into their tender minds I beg leave to add I was among the first who proposed to John Dalzell Elder foreman to Baillie M'Lean in August 1797 the teaching of Sabbath Schools!! and shall a man such as J. Dld and probably some of his accomplices who may live contiguous to him be allowed to join together by endeavouring to hurt the Character and usefulness of me? report says that one of the supposed Accomplices has been in the habit of selling dunghills' to Country People as if the dunghills were his own I will not say that the other supposed accomplice and Jno himself wants to divide the kingdom dom by putting Superiors and inferiors upon an equal footing but I will say they know themselves I have been kind and tender to J. D. he was nearly two years in my debt before I noticed it to him and when I did notice it I offered to take payment in the Smallest partial way that snited him if he had not used me ill by taking out his Children and sending them to another School during the same quarter and shaking his head in a passionate manner at me when he called at my School with the note he wrote at the bottom of my Letter dated 30th September 1817 I would have paid no attention to the few weeks his Children attended but would have drawn the pen through it as I have done to many I have taught Session Scholars these many years and neither have nor will make any charge I never intended nor intends to put one farthing of the 10s J. D. owes me but has given instructions to Mr——— when it may come to his hand to deliver it for the use of the House of Recovery is this niggardliness as J. D. is pleased to call me!! so I now beg leave to speak for myself I have taught as I stated before upwards of twenty years in this place I have solely devoted myself to that practice it will be incredible to those who know me not that I have a great part of that time been in my school from 5 in the morning till 11 o'clock at night if I was not teaching from 5 to 6 moaning and the hour from 10 till 11 at night I was ruling copies and preparing for my different classes I still continue to teach from 7 morning till 10 o'Clock Evening except meal hours which hours are often taken up with Session business is this negligence in teaching J. D. says he made an agreement with me that he was to pay no more than for the time his Children actually attended my School which I deny he proceeds or rather confutes himself by saying he kept his Children so many weeks in the same quarter he removed them for the purpose of making up for the time of my vacation and at this present day I have as numerous a Class as any Teacher in Town except Messrs Peddies and Macome and at same time my fees are'higher than the schools who are contiguous to my school will SLEEP keep together such a decent school!! I hope the Honourable Magistrates of Paisley will be satisfied with the defence I now have presented to their Honours and will be pleased to reprove J. D. for such foul aspersions and at same time confirm their former decision!!!

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Queries for the Dominie's Scholars.

How much egotism is in this admirable epistle?
Answer. 38 I's, 19 my's, and 14 me's.
How much sense, if any?
How much nonsense?
How many grammatical errors?
How many appeals to toll-bars, towns, and parishes?
How much self-praise, and boasting of having acquired
considerable property?"
&c. &. &c. &c. &c. &c.

IN THE PRESS,

And speedily will be Published,

A LETTER TO THE MODERATOR OF THE,

PRESBYTERY OF ———

Exhibiting the gross irregularity and illegality of some recent proceedings of that Rev. Body—the dignity and decorum which ought to be there observed the intemperate behaviour of some of the Members with remarks on Bible, Youth, Tract, and other such S cieties:— the undue influence exercised by their Members, along with the Clergy, over public opinion, and the right assumed by them to point and sneer at all who do not think as they think, and do as they do—the impropriety of making mere Boys Elders of the church-local prejudices — Session proceedings turned into chit-chat, and scandal at tea table parties luterspersed with numerous anecdotes, and remarks on “Burns' on the Poor." &e. The whole forming an interesting publication, and filling up a blank in the literature of P———.