Little Mr Bouncer and His Friend Verdant Green/Chapter 1
LITTLE Mr. BOUNCER
AND
HIS FRIEND VERDANT GREEN.
CHAPTER I.
LITTLE MR. BOUNCER MAKES A CALL ON HIS FRIEND VERDANT GREEN.
ULLO, Giglamps!" It was the unmistakable cheery voice of little Mr. Bouncer. He had crossed from his own rooms in the grand old College of Brazenface, Oxford, and had stopped on a certain landing, before a door over which was painted the monosyllable "Green." His battered College cap was on his head, but, as no undergraduate's gown was upon his shoulders, it was to be presumed that the little gentleman had not come from lectures, or returned from a stroll through the streets of Oxford, or from any other place where the wearing of full academical costume would have been demanded by the authorities of the University. Though, if the full costume required by the statutes had been rigorously enforced, Mr. Bouncer would have cheerfully bowed to destiny, and would probably have imitated the gentleman who suspended his pair of bands under his coat tails, because the law had not expressly stated on what part of the body they were to be worn.
But Mr. Bouncer's sole academical attire on this occasion was his battered "mortar-board;" and, in place of carrying a Livy, or Euripides, or Euclid, or any other book that would have betokened a recent attendance at the rooms of Mr. Slowcoach or the Rev. Richard Harmony, and the other tutors whose delightful task it was to teach the young ideas of the Brazenfacians how to shoot—instead of any tome of learning, little Mr. Bouncer bore in his hand his long tin post-horn, from which he invoked unearthly sounds, that re-echoed from the staircase to the outer quad. He particularised this performance as "sounding his octaves," and summarised it as "going the complete unicorn." In addition to this, Mr. Bouncer was smoking a cigar—that "Nicotian herb" the consumption of which is so strictly forbidden by another of those Oxford statutes, which every student, at his matriculation, is solemnly required by the Vice-Chancellor most strictly to observe. He was, moreover, accompanied by two living creatures, who would not, by any possibility, have been admitted to a college lecture. These were his two famous bull-terriers, Huz and Buz; most villainous-looking pets, with ponderous heads and savage teeth and corkscrew tails, who, at every blast of the horn, barked and howled, either in sympathy with the noise, or in direct antagonism to its defiant summons; for, it would be difficult to interpret the feelings of Huz and Buz when they heard their master's caricature imitations of Kœnig's performance in Jullien's Post-horn Galop, which, just at that time, was in the height of its popularity, and was hummed or whistled in every quad in Brazenface and the University.
The inmate of the rooms over the outer door of which was painted the monosyllable "Green," had "sported," or securely closed that outer door or "oak;" and this not only prevented little Mr. Bouncer from gaining immediate admission, but also caused him to prolong the fanfares on his tin horn and furnished Huz and Buz with a pardonable excuse for indulging in a canine chorus; all of which was most detrimental to the peace of mind of Mr. Sloe, the peripatetic reading man in the garret above, whose study of Aristophanes had already been disturbed by the doleful performance of "Away with Melancholy," given on the cornet-à-piston at an open window on the ground-floor, by a gentleman whose love for music surpassed his power of expression and execution.
"Hullo, Giglamps!" shouted little Mr. Bouncer, after his Post-horn overture; "open sesame, old fellow; and let the forty thieves come in. Blow, warder, blow thy sounding horn; and never say blow it; but, thy banners wave on high. Why don't you wave your banners, Giglamps? here's the warder calling till he is hoarse. He 's in, is n't he, Robert?"
Mr. Robert Filcher—the scout, who, as servant, waited on Mr. Verdant Green and the gentlemen who were on that staircase—was coming along the passage with a supply of eatables from the Buttery, and replied, "I know he 's in, sir; for he 's took out a Æger, and I 'm just taking him his Commons. He 's not had no sober-water this morning, and I 'm not aweer as he were pleasant last night; but, he 's sported his oak, not wishing to see nobody."
As Mr. Filcher spoke these words, the outer door was opened by a tall, benevolent-looking, smooth-faced gentleman, in spectacles; and Mr. Verdant Green gave admittance to his new friend, little Mr. Bouncer, and also to his scout, who laid the supply from the Buttery on the table, and, on hearing "there 's nothing more that I want, thank you, Robert," made his exit from the room.
It was halfway through the first term of Mr. Verdant Green's University existence, and he was still, in every sense of the word, an Oxford Freshman. It was not so very many weeks since that memorable day on which he and his father had travelled up from the Manor Green,
Warwickshire, and, on the outside of the Oxford coach, had formed their first acquaintance with little Mr. Bouncer and other Oxford men, some of whom were destined to be better known to him in his University career. In the interval since that day, the casual acquaintanceship of the coach-journey had ripened into an intimacy that was fast settling into firm friendship. Mr. Verdant Green had gone through his intuition as an Oxford Freshman so meekly and with such good humour, that Mr. Charles Larkyns, and many others besides Mr. Bouncer, had taken very kindly to him, and were disposed to spare him when the temptation offered itself to make fresh attempts upon his credulity. But, although he had gained a certain amount of experience that would prove of great value to him in his future life, he had abundance yet to learn in that most difficult yet useful study; and it was fated that little Mr. Bouncer should be one of his preceptors.
"Hullo, Giglamps!" he cried, as Mr. Filcher left the room, "here we are again! how were you to-morrow, as the Clown says in the Pantermine? You look peakyish. What's the row?"
"I did not feel quite the thing; so, I thought I would not go to Chapel or Lectures; and Robert sent in an Æger for me," replied Mr. Verdant Green.
"What! cut Chapel and posted an Æger, for the second time in one week; and you only in your first term!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, with something like admiration in his tone. "'Pon my word, young 'un, you 're coming it strong. Perhaps it 's a deep-laid scheme of yours to post a heap of Ægers while you 're a Freshman, and then to get better and better every term, and make the Dons think that you are improving the shining hours by doing Chapels and Lectures more regularly. Artful Giglamps!" Here Mr. Bouncer's attention was distracted by his dogs. "Huz! you troublesome beggar, lie down, and don't worry the gentleman's calves and make yourself generally disagreeable. Buz! drop that, you little wretch; or I 'll know the reason why."
"Never mind," said Mr. Verdant Green; "it 's only a slipper that my sister Mary worked for me. He won't hurt it."
"Won't he?" cried little Mr. Bouncer, who evidently knew his dog's propensities. "It 's Berlin wool, ain't it? If so, he'll soon make it like Uncle Ned's head, and it'll have no wool on the top, just the place where the wool ought to grow. But, it 's his education that does it. Once bring up a dog to worry rats out of a Wellington boot, and it demoralises him for his place in society as a companion and friend of man. He thinks that every slipper contains nothing less than a mouse. Now, Buz! drop it." Little Mr. Bouncer reduced his dogs into a state of comparative subordination; and then, turning to Mr. Verdant Green, who was looking somewhat disconsolate, said, "I say, old fellow, how peaky you seem! You look as if you had been at a tea-fight or a muffin-worry, and had taken more hot toast than was good for your digestion, What's the matter?"
"Oh, nothing very particular," replied Mr. Verdant Green, although in a tone that implied the contrary to be the case.
"What! not tell it to its faithful Bouncer! Oh, what base ingratitude is here! Make a clean breast of it, old fellow, and then I 'll see if I can minister to a mind diseased, as some cove says in Shikspur."
And little Mr. Bouncer puffed at his cigar, hit the obtrusive Buz with his post-horn, and awaited Mr. Verdant Green's explanation.