Examining my actions, the most fair-seeming of
which were my lecturing and professorial occupa
tions, I found to my surprise that I was engrossed
in several studies of little value, and profitless as
regards my salvation. I probed the motives of my
teaching and found that, in place of being sincerely
consecrated to God, it was only actuated by a vain
desire of honour and reputation. I perceived that
I was on the edge of an abyss, and that without an
immediate conversion I should be doomed to eter
nal fire. In these reflections I spent a long time.
Still a prey to uncertainty, one day I decided to
leave Bagdad and to give up everything; the next
day I gave up my resolution. I advanced one step
and immediately relapsed. In the morning I was
sincerely resolved only to occupy myself with the
future life; in the evening a crowd of carnal
thoughts assailed and dispersed my resolutions.
On the one side the world kept me bound to my
post in the chains of covetousness, on the other side
the voice of religion cried to me: Up, Up, thy
life is nearing its end, and thou hast a long journey
to make. All thy pretended knowledge is nought
but falsehood and fantasy. If thou dost not think
now of thy salvation, when wilt thou think of it?
If thou dost not break thy chains to-day, when
wilt thou break them? Then my resolve was
strengthened, I wished to give up all and flee; but
the Tempter returning to the attack said: You
are suffering from a transitory feeling; don t give
