"Probably I shall not; but it would have been better...."
And he smiled gloomily.
In spite of these words and this smile which so alarmed Varia, when the inflammation had subsided and he began to recover, he felt that he was free from a part of his misfortunes. By his action he had washed away, as it were, his shame and humiliation, which had weighed on him before. Henceforth he could think calmly of Alekseï Aleksandrovitch. He recognized all his magnanimity without being crushed by it. Besides, he was able to be himself again, to look people in the face, and could live, governing himself by his customary habits. What he could not tear from his heart, in spite of all his efforts, was the regret, bordering on despair, at having lost Anna forever; since he was firmly resolved, now that he had redeemed his fault toward Karenin, not to place himself between the repentant wife and her husband. But he could not put out of his heart the regret at the loss of her love; he could not blot out the memory of happy moments which he had spent with her, and not half appreciated till now, and which pursued him continually in all their fascination.
Serpukhovskoï thought of sending him to Tashkend, and Vronsky accepted the proposition without the least hesitation. But the nearer the time for his leaving came, the more cruel seemed the sacrifice to what he considered his duty.
His wound was healed, and he had already gone out and was engaged in making his preparations for his journey to Tashkend.
"To see her once more, and then bury myself and die," he thought; and while paying his farewell visit to Betsy, he expressed his wish to her.
The latter set out at once as an ambassador to Anna, but brought back her refusal.
"So much the better," thought Vronsky, on receiving her reply; "this is a weakness which would have cost me my last strength."
