now starting to insult each other which would be a healthy sign except she keeps breaking down and crying on my shoulder more or less again insisting I’m her last chance (which isnt true)—“Let’s go to a monastery together,” she adds madly—“Evelyn, I mean Billie you might go to a nunnery at that, by God get thee to a nunnery, you look like you’d make a nun, maybe that’s what you need all that talk about Cody about religion maybe all this worldly horror is just holding you back from what you call your true realizing, you could become a big reverend mother someday with not a worry on your mind tho I met a reverend mother once who cried . . . ah it’s all so sad”—“What did she cry about?”—“I don’t know, after talking to me, I remember I said some silly thing like ‘the universe is a woman because it’s round’ but I think she cried because she was remembering her early days when she had a romance with some soldier who died, at least that’s what they say, she was the greatest woman I ever saw, big blue eyes, big smart woman . . . you could do that, get out of this awful mess and leave it all behind”—“But I love love too much for that”—“And not because you’re sensual either you poor kid”—In fact we quiet down a little and do actually make love in spite of Elliott pulling at her “Billie dont do it dont do it Billie dont do it” till right in the middle I’m yelling “Dont do what? what’s he mean?—can it be he’s right and Billie you shouldnt do it? can it be were sinning after all’s said and done? O this is insane!—but he’s the most insane of them all,” in fact the child is up on bed with us tugging at her shoulder just like a grownup jealous lover tryin to pull a woman off another man (she being on top indication of exactly how helpless and busted down I’ve become and here it is only 4 in the afternoon)—A little drama going on in the cabin maybe a little different than what cabins are intended for or the local neighbors are imagining.
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