you could not honestly and conscientiously perform your work without giving mortal offence to individuals, and subjecting yourself and your publishers to countless criminal libel prosecutions and civil actions. T h e few of your published papers which I have read confirm m e in that opinion. Your C H R O N I C L E S , excuse m e for being plain spoken, appear to m e to be made up of a lot of wishy-washy inane trash, which, while on the one hand it gives no offence, on the other is not worth perusal. In steering clear of libel prosecutions and civil actions you omit all the metaphorical wheat of Melbourne history, and retain only the metaphorical chaff. For example, so far as I have heard, you have said nothing in your C H R O N I C L E S of that swindler
- of the Catholics of Melbourne having petitioned Pope Pius the Ninth
for his removal from the diocese ; of his having swindled the creditors of St. Patrick's College out of their just claims; of his having swindled Father 's estate, and Father 's estate, and m y father's estate; of his having swindled Father out of two and half years' salary ; of his having committed felony by obtaining from M r . through m e , three hundred pounds under false pretences ; of his especially his cast off , w h o afterwards lived with that fellow for about four years, & c , & c , and so of a hundred other matters. Your C H R O N I C L E S , before they are worthy of perusal, must contain some of the pith and point, the ideas, the facts, of Melbourne history. T h e deficiency (from the supplying of which you unmanfully, cowardly, shrink), and which renders your work worthless, I intend to supply at an early date in a book on this colony.—Yours obediently,
T h e name of the writer of this uncalled-for effusion is, for his o w n sake, suppressed, and I have also taken the liberty of subjecting it to a process of emasculation by the insertion of certain blanks for the names of individuals. It will give some idea of the reason w h y I have incurred his wrath, when I declare that the only reference m a d e to his father in m y C H R O N I C L E S was, when I introduced him as an old and trusted public officer, describing him as a " good, worthy man, much and widely respected in his day." Threat N o . 2, though m u c h more minatory and to the point, was as amusing as unpremeditated. O n e evening in October, 1885, thousands -of Herald readers were entertained by the perusal of a romantically tragic narrative of a summer house, a lady, the shooting of an apple-stealer, and the retreat of a disappointed, though unwounded, lover. T h e next day in Bourke Street, meeting an old friend, w h o had been a " wild oats" sower in his youth, clapping m e on the shoulder he declared that for years past he had not read anything half so good as m y sketch headed "Crossing the Garden Wall." " From what I heard of it when it occurred," he continued, " it is a most accurate account of what happened. But why the deuce didn't you put in So-and-so's (the runaway's) n a m e ?" "Surely," responded I, " Y o u wouldn't have m e do such a m e a n thing, considering the supremely edifying and sanctified life he is n o w leading. Suppose it was your o w n case, h o w would you like to be pilloried, in the present improved condition of social /^morality." H e reddened in the face, puffed out his cheeks and vehemently exclaimed, " M e ! do you mean ? H o w dare you even imagine that I could be in any way mixed up with such a disgraceful imbroglio. M y name has been always, ' like Cesar's wife, above suspicion,' and if you have anything to tell of me, out with it by all means, for I give you m y full permission to proclaim it to the world." I quietly smiled, and thus said:—" Exactly this time, forty years, when George Coppin was performing in Smith's Queen Street Theatre, a ludicrous metee happened one night at a small cottagetemple of Aspasia, perched near the play-house. T h e dramatis fersonce in the domestic farce consisted of the 'lady of the mansion,' a Government official some way advanced in years, and a much younger man, bearing precisely the three names you o w n to-day. N o w , have a little patience with me. A verbal altercation was got up between the men, which rapidly advanced to a scuffle, in which the old m a n was half strangled by the gallantry of his more active opponent, when, just in time to avert a Coroner's inquest, the damsel, decidedly the most manly of the trio, armed herself with a sweepingbrush, and with genuine Amazonian pluck, tackled the young fellow from behind, and so ' polled' him with the brush, that he dropped as if shot to the ground. Medical treatment was promptly improvised, and the prostrate hero slowly succeeded in recovering his senses through the combined influence of brandy, vinegar, hot water and salt, internally and externally applied, and with a flannelled head-piece he left the field of battle a wiser, and as was hoped, a better man." " A n d do you mean to print that stuff in the C H R O N I C L E S ?" hoarsely whispered he, and an answer in the affirmative was given. "Let m e put one question to you," said he. " D o you know, sir, that I a m a grandfather?"
