Page:Early Reminiscences.djvu/307

1854-1857 I stammer and colour whenever I speak, My voice alternates 'twixt a growl and a squeak, I work in full vigour, but no one will pay An adult's wage to one who a boy is, they say. No longer a boy, not attained to be man, Bewilder'd, uneasy, sans purpose, sans plan, I gratify no one, I solely annoy: Hobble-dy-hoy ! poor hobble-dy-hoy ! In days that are passed I was free as the air, The days now prospective are burdened with care ; Oh would I might turn and be back at the child, When all things were sunny, and everyone smiled. No longer a boy, not attained to be man, Bewilder'd, uneasy, sans purpose, sans plan. Oh nevsr again to quaff life as a boy: HoblAe~dy-hoy ! poor hobble-dy-hoy ! " In Haydn's Creation, after the chaotic tumultuous crash of " Despairing, cursing rage " ensues the exquisite triumphant chorus, " A new-created world springs up at God's command." At that period of transition that I am describing, it is quite true that a new-created world springs up before one's senses, and the old world falls away ; but that old world was one of serenity and sweetness ; and the new world that springs up is one of doubt, difficulty, aspirations, some that will ripen into accomplishment, many that will fail and end in disappointment. At this period, a firm grasp by a guide is of incalculable avail, but such I did not obtain. My tutors were amiable men, but intellectually very ordinary, and with manifest weaknesses that provoked ridicule. There was no one in whom I could confide, and to whom I could submit the questions that rose in the mind, like bubbles in a water-bottle exposed to the sun. During the time we were at Pau, I made friends with youths of my own age, but the friendships were superficial, as we differed in pursuits and in principles. At Pau there was a small English library annexed to the chapel, of which I made great use. At Bayonne I found no male friends of my own age, and there were no English books available. On our return to Lew, though I had no friends on intimate terms, I had the run of a very good library, for my grandfather had collected the best French and German literature, and there