course, because I feel myself attracted mostly or exclusively toward the type that is least suitable for me."[1]
Grillparzer's relations to Altmütter were not always smooth. One early storm came at the time of closest intimacy, with a quite concrete similisexuality in the emotions. Grillparzer found that Altmütter was maintaining a clandestine intimacy with another young man, whom Grillparzer considered quite unworthy of Altmütter's regard, and much inferior to himself. He discovered that Altmütter even used the sacramental "thou", of German Mendships of closest sort. The entry in the poet's diary is on June 16:
"I went to-day. to Altmütter; and while waiting I picked up some of his books and written things, as he was not at home. As I was glancing through the last-named matters, I came on a section of his diary, in which were some letters from him to Karl N—(I do not yet know his last name) and some observations on his relationship to this Karl. Certainty I have never felt the strength of my own friendship for Altmütter so deeply as in that instant; but at the same moment came, into play my strange vanity, which I so often have cursed. For—his letters referred to me. I read eagerly on, and kept hoping to come on some expression which made for my honour; but alas! I had made a mistake, I hit on nothing that was to my praise, and so came my pride into revolt: but more painful than that was the 'impression that Altmütter gave me of feeling himself disappointed constantly in the friendship between us. I hardly remember anything which has made so severe an impression on me. Wounded egotism, shame, and jealousy threw me into a state of mind which was only increased when Altmütter came into the room. I was undecided what I would do; but I could not hold back. I reproached him for his falsity, and then instead of giving him any explanation—which, by God, was simply impossible for me, as I was so angry!—I threw the diary down on the table before him. He did not excuse himself for having addressed his dear Karl with "Du"! How often has he told me that he himself, was jealous of my intimacy with Maillern, for which he has never had any reason—and now! The thought of my being supplanted by that young man is unendurable to me, from any point of view!"
- ↑ Transl. X. M.
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