— 59 —
there, and in spite of myself I fell into a deep reverie.
The words "love" and "lover" rang, ceaselessly in my ears, with their mysterious sound, that I did not understand.
At last I felt lonely. I forgot that I had my parents, my friends. I felt a shocking emptiness in my heart.
I got up, and looked sadly round me.
I remained pensive for a while, hanging my head in a most melancholic way, my arms hanging down, my hands locked together.
Then as I looked myself over, as I began to touch every little secret part, I wondered if this had not all its meaning, its destined use.
Instinctively I felt that something was lacking, something that I could not define, but that I wanted, and desired with all my soul.
I must have looked insane, for from time to time I gave a little laugh of madness, and my arms were stretched out in an empty embrace as if to hold the object of my desires to my heart. I went so far as to embrace my own body. I touched myself, I stroked myself, I kissed my arms, I felt I could not live without a reality, a living
