MY SECRET LIFE
one night exhausted myself by masturbation, my godfather came to see me.
He stared hard at me. “You look ill.” “No, I’m not.” “Yes, you are, look me full in the face, you’ve been frigging yourself,” said he just in so many words. He had never used an improper word to me before. I denied it. He raved out, “No denial, sir, no lies, you have sir; don’t add lying to your bestiality, you’ve been at that filthy trick, I can see it in your face, you'll die in a mad-house, or of consumption, you shall never have a farthing more pocket-money from me, and I won’t buy your commission, nor leave you any money at my death.” I kept denying it, brazening it out. “Hold your tongue, you young beast, or I’ll write to your mother.” That reduced me to a sullen state, only at times perking out: “I haven’t!” He put on his hat angrily, and left me in a very uncomfortable state of mind.
I knew that my father was not so well off as he had been, my mother always impressed upon me not to offend my godfather, and now I had done it. I wrote Fred all about it, he said the old beggar was a doctor, and it was very unfortunate; he wondered if he really did see any signs in my face, or whether it was a bounce; that I was not to be a fool, and give in, and still say I hadn’t, but had better leave off frigging.
From that time my godfather was always at my heels, he waited for me at the schooldoor, spent my half-holidays with me, sat with me and my aunt of an evening till bed-time, made me ride and drive out with him, stopped giving me pocket-money altogether, and no one else did; so that I was not very happy.
The pleasure of frigging, now I had tasted it (and
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