"That's why you goin' to leave me", she added after a long pause, with tears in her voice; "if it wasn't for that damned nigger blood in me, I'd never leave you: I'd just go on with you as servant or anything: ah God, how I love you and how lonely this Topsy'll be!" and the tears ran down her quivering face. "If I were only all white or all black," she sobbed: "I'm so unhappy!" My heart bled for her.
If it had not been for the memory of Smith's disdain, I would have given in and taken her with me. As it was, I could only do my best to console her by saying: "a couple of years, Sophy, and I'll return; they'll pass quickly: I'll write you often, dear!"
But Sophy knew better and when the last night came, she surpassed herself. It was warm and we went early to bed: "it's my night!" she said: "you just let me show you, you dear! I don't want you to go after any whitish girl in those Islands till you get to China and you won't go with those yellow, slit-eyed girls—that's why I love you so, because you keep yourself for those you like:—but you're naughty to like so many—ma man!" and she kissed me with passion: she let me have her almost without response, but after the first orgasm she gripped my sex and milked me, and afterwards mounting me made me thrill again and again till I was speechless and like children we fell asleep in each other's arms, weeping for the parting on the morrow.
I said "Good-bye!" at the hotel and went on board the steamer by myself: my eyes set on the Golden Gate into the great Pacific and the hopes and hazards of the new life. At length I was to see the world: what would I find in it? I had no idea then that I should find little or much in exact measure to what I brought and it is now the saddest part of these Confessions that on this first trip round the
