utmost of her power was kind to me, though small, indeed, was that power. But she was, I fancy, so depressed and subdued; so snubbed and neglected; so tabooed, in short, whilst at the same time she was conscious of being surrounded by spies, and rigidly overlooked, that she had not the means of awakening my affection or gratitude by the bestowal of any substantial indulgences; whilst I, accustomed to see her treated with this kind of indignity and disrespect, insensibly grew up to look upon her, as she glided silently about the house, with indifference, perhaps tinctured a little with contempt.
.png)
(See p. 452.)
The reader will here probably express his disgust at my want of feeling, and call me a very unamiable child. I dare say I was; and certainly that was the opinion of my father and my grandmother; but be pleased, gentle reader, to recollect that there are considerable excuses to be made for a miserable little urchin brought up by two such austere people as those I have described; and on a system from which love, either to nun or God, was wholly excluded. The truth is, that I feared and, therefore, disliked almost everybody about me, except my mother, to whom, as I have hinted, I was, at the best, indifferent. The servants, some of them, might possibly have shown me favour; but they were forbidden to speak to me except for necessary purposes; besides, I was so completely cowed that they could never have relied on my fidelity. I should have betrayed them the moment my grandmother clutched me.
I felt, in short, as if all mankind was in a conspiracy, and I was the wretched victim of their tyranny; whilst behind them loomed the terrible figure of God, whom fancy pictured as a frightful, gigantic man, with hands like my grandmother's, wherewith he was waiting to seize and cast me into the fires of hell.
My mother had been long gone, and I had nearly forgotten her existence; when one day that I had been saying a lesson to my grandmother, which, as usual, I did not know, she sent me with my book to learn it in the corner of the room. Whilst I was sobbing and snivelling over the dog's-eared leaves, I suddenly heard a noise behind me, which causing me to turn my head, I with amazement beheld her stretched her length upon the floor. She had either fallen out of her chair, or tript in attempting to rise—I imagined the latter; and expecting to see her get upon her legs again, I did not venture to leave my corner for some minutes, till observing that she continued to lie there, I cautiously stole towards the spot in order to survey her a little closer. She lay on her breast, with her arms stretched out, her hands trying to clutch the carpet, and her head raised, so that three parts of her face were visible; her eyes were open, and I believe she saw me; whilst her lips moved with an ineffectual effort to speak. There was a gurgling sound from her throat; but no words. I stood transfixed, staring at her; half-frightened and half-pleased; for it occurred to me that