West -End. But, well, — a lady, I said. She inquired for Mr. Filey. That gentleman made his bow.
“‘Mr. Filey/ she said, “I have come to you on a sad case.’ She sighed. Of course Mr. Filey was full of sympathy — in his aspect, at all events.
“Yes! she said, it is very sad. You are great in teeth, Mr. Filey. Do you remember me years ago?’
“Mr. Filey begged to be excused his forgetfulness, attributing it to his extended practice.
“Ah! I was then younger, Mr. Filey. I am now, as my card will have shown you, Lady Spriggs.’
“Mr. Filey bowed to the title.
“I have a nephew, Mr. Filey; the heir to a vast property. He has but one defect — his teeth! Oh! the trouble those teeth have given us! His timidity is such that he will never now approach a dentist’s shop— I mean house, and we are at our wit’s ends what to do with him. Do you think that if I contrived to lure him here, Mr. Filey, that you could so manage as to remove one or two of his — I think you call them grinders — without his being aware of it?’
The proposition was rather startling, but Mr. Filey was an old hand, and an able.
“He said, he had no doubt that, if he had the young gentleman there, he would extract the teeth, and he should hardly know anything of it — so delicate and sudden would be the manipulation — till it was over.
“That will do/ said the lady. 'You will eternally oblige his family, Mr. Filey, and deeply shall I feel indebted to you, believe me. I will take the liberty of paying you in advance, if you please. May I know what it will be? ’
“She drew forth her purse, and paid the sum Mr. Filey thought fit to demand.
“Arrangements were then made that the young gentleman should call on the morrow, at two o’clock f.m., precisely. Every device not to alarm his sensitiveness in the matter of his teeth was promised by Mr. Filey, who was forewarned that the young gentleman was eccentric, and dressed not quite in the fashion — in fact, commonly; so that, unless you knew it, you would not presume him to be heir to a vast estate.
“The scene closes on Mr. Filey bowing the lady into her carriage.
“Act the Second, displays a jeweller’s shop. West End. Messrs. Spitchcock and Co. A lady alights from her carriage, and enters. She desires to see some jewellery. A diadem set with diamonds fixes her eye. Her taste is pleased by a beautiful bracelet, and a pair of ruby ear-rings which suit her complexion, she thinks. She is assured that they suit her admirably. She hands her card: — Lady Spriggs; at present residing at Mr. Filey’s.
“You know Mr. Filey, the dentist? ’
“Very well, indeed/ she is told, 'and Sir Sampson also, by name/
“She then desires them to make out their bill, and tell her the amount of her purchases. Four hundred odd pounds the bill amounted to. And the shopman wasn’t astonished! But what a country this is, where women can lavish money on gimcracks — as I tell my wife. However! the lady said she would be infinitely obliged to them, if, within half an hour — that was, by two o’clock, precisely, and not a moment later — they would pack up the things, and despatch them and the bill, by one of their young men, to Mr. Filey’s, where Sir Sampson, her husband, would write out a cheque, and liquidate the debt. Some woman’s rigmarole, I suppose. However! the request was readily assented to. She departed, and the scene closes with her being bowed into her carriage a second time. May the Lord have mercy on simpletons!
“Well, gentlemen, Act the Third. I contend that they are perfect acts, though they have but a scene a-piece.
“A young man with parcel calls at two o’clock, precisely, that afternoon, at Mr. Filey’s, and asks to see Sir Sampson Spriggs.
“Her ladyship is within' says the page.
“The young man says, she will do. He is ushered into a room where he sees the lady.
“Do you smell a rat, gentlemen?”
“Well, the lady affably took the parcel from the young man, and said:
“'I will take it to show my husband up-stairs. He will be with you in five minutes, and hand you the cheque. You will excuse me? I must first satisfy him of the necessity I have for the articles.
“Of course, the poor fellow thought that all was fair and straightforward. Ha! ha! He said, he would be happy to wait. Ha! ha! He took a chair. Ha! ha! ha!
Mr. Spence lost himself in a fit of laughter. Just divining the catastrophe, we also laughed a laugh of eager expectation.
“Don’t you see it?” cried Mr. Spence. “But it’s really too bad to laugh. Well. He waited. The minute hands of the clock went round. He waited on. Before he had time to feel uncomfortable in his mind, the door opened, and a gentleman walked in who bowed to him, and made his mind quite easy.
“I brought the things,' said the young man; 'and am waiting — ’
“To see me,” said Mr. Filey, admiring the stratagem of the lady immensely. 'To see me. Yes. I’m aware. A beautiful day to-day, sir? Rather sultry. May I offer you a glass of wine?’
“Of course the young man didn’t object. Ha! ha! You know how they used to prepare victims for the sacrifice! Ha! ha!
“Well. They talked. Mr. Filey said:
“Pray take a chair, may I ask you?’ and the young fellow, warmed by his wine, was quite agreeable to anything.
“Will you open your mouth, may I ask?’ said Mr. Filey.
“'What for?’ says the young fellow, amazed.
“Oh, nothing!’ says Mr. Filey. 'I merely wished to inspect. The conformation of your tongue struck me as peculiar. Not that it affects your speech, sir. Not at all. But pray allow me.’
“The poor young fellow opened his mouth. Ha, ha! He opened his mouth, and gaped.
“'Now draw back your tongue,' said Mr. Filey.
“No doubt the young fellow thought him a
very eccentric baronet, but he complied.