I have arranged with a coffee-shop keeper to send in Paddy’s meals thrice a day. The door will always be answered by one of us—our own simple repasts will be cooked by my humble hands. Secondly, with regard to professional matters: some months ago, before the Exhibition was opened, I picked up a very intelligent foreman of the work, who, under the influence of my fascinating conversation and a bottle of sherry, gave me a vast deal of useful information regarding measurements, distances, &c. This I afterwards verified by going over the ground with a Chesterman’s metallic tape, in the character of the intelligent correspondent of one of our most influential weekly journals. All these data I have reduced on paper with mathematical accuracy. To reach the building at the nearest point to the object of our desires we shall have to steer nor’-west-by-north by the compass (I have allowed for the magnetic variation in the parallel of London). I propose to construct a tunnel of the usual semi-circular form, three feet high by three feet six inches at the base. One hundred and twenty-seven yards of this tunnel will take us to the building. Now, in open ground, an ordinary navvy can shift seven cubic yards of dirt in a day. Each linear yard in our tunnel will measure in round numbers about a cubic yard. Making allowance then for the greater difficulty of tunnelling, for the time expended in encountering gas and water pipes, and in timbering the passage as we proceed, I reckon that we ought to accomplish at least two yards a day; sixty-four week-days then, from to-morrow, which is the 26th of June, ought to accomplish the work. By the Saturday evening of September the 6th, our labours should be nearly completed. I propose doing the greater part of the tunnelling myself, you and Dolan will attend to the barrow-work. As I said before, we shall keep workmen’s hours, from six to six, allowing two hours for meals. It is now ten o’clock; let us go to bed.”
I shall not attempt to describe the progress of the work which, under Rimouski’s admirable management and unwearied activity, progressed with great regularity. We should have completed the tunnel within the specified time, but for three annoying hindrances, which I will mention separately. To use medical language, the first annoyance was chronic, the two others were acute and temporary. With regard to the chronic obstacle; in spite of our non-advertising system, our ostensible business in wine flourished with inconvenient vigour. Orders were perpetually coming in, customers were constantly calling. Rimouski lost much valuable time in attending to them, and frequently vowed that he would in future sell nothing but the most undrinkable trash. Two motives tended to restrain him. In the first place his esprit de corps as a wine merchant influenced him greatly; secondly, the cash which this business brought in was extremely acceptable. So Rimouski grumbled, but continued to please his customers. The next annoyance was more serious. About the end of the first month, Tim Dolan had begun to grow restive under his confinement. He had been permitted to go to mass every Sunday under the guardianship of Rimouski or myself, and had been allowed to take possession of small nuggets of real gold (supplied by Rimouski’s watchful care) which he found during the progress of the work. But this did not satisfy him. He insisted on a night’s liberty, and it was eventually agreed that, dressed in my labouring clothes, I should accompany him to a certain free-and-easy in the neighbourhood of Peter Street, Westminster.
For a time Timothy behaved with great decorum, but presently, heated by the liquor he had drunk, he began boasting to the assembled company of the enormous fortune that was in store for him. At first they laughed at him, but when a burly fellow gave him the lie direct, Timothy jumped up, and promptly knocked him down. A general scrimmage now ensued; the Englishmen took part with their countrymen, and were in turn assaulted by the whole of the Irish element. Bottles, glasses, and pewter-pots flew as thick as hail. The terrified landlord called in the police, and presently, to my horror, I saw Timothy Dolan marched off in custody. There was no time to be lost. When we had proceeded some distance from the scene of action, and the idle mob who followed us had diminished in numbers, I touched the policeman on the shoulder; I winked at him, displaying a sovereign; he returned the wink, and presently Timothy Dolan and I, safely ensconced in a Hansom cab, were bowling along towards Brompton. Next day, Rimouski administered a lecture; Timothy was penitent, and never asked leave to go out again.
The third contretemps was perhaps the worst of all. We had accomplished the hundredth yard, and had had a sort of jubilee on the occasion. Possibly the extra amount of grog made us all sleep sound. At any rate, Rimouski and I, who slept in the same room, were awakened at dead of night by a policeman. He threw the glare of his bull’s-eye lantern into our astonished eyes, and bade us get up at once, for the street door was open, and there were thieves in the house. We started up, and on examining the cellar found there a couple of ill-looking personages, who had drunk themselves into a state of tipsy security by the assistance of our stock-in-trade. They had knocked the heads off at least a dozen bottles, and had apparently enjoyed themselves extremely. Rimouski and I observed that the policeman cast a glance of astonishment round the cellar.
“I’m enlarging my cellarage, you see, policeman,” he began. “Hark! what was that? There’s another thief in the attics. Run, policeman, and nab him—we will hold these two rascals.”
The unsuspecting policeman hurried up-stairs, upon which Rimouski said to the astonished burglars:
“Confound you fellows for taking my wine at this time of night. Call in the daytime, and you shall have a gallon a-piece. Now then, be off with you.”
He opened the back door, and the thieves, who were by this time wide awake, vanished in a trice.
“Hey! help! murder!” shouted a voice from above. It was the policeman. We rushed up-stairs with a light, and found Timothy and the constable rolling on the floor in dire contention. Hearing the
