The purchase was settled about a month before the quarter, and I was rather glad that the quarter came round so early, as I began to be in want of money. I waited for a fortnight, and then wrote a polite note to each of the tenants that I would call on a certain day for the rent. I did so, with the following result:
No. 1 was prepared with the money minus a deduction of 1l. 8s. 6d., nine months’ sewers rate; 2l. 4s. 3d., nine months’ property tax; and 18s. 6d. land tax. “And then there’s this little bill of 2l. 18s. 9d. for repairing the cistern, whitewashing the ceiling, and part papering the staircase, where the wall was damaged by the water,” said Mrs. Coffers, “making a total deduction, according to Mr. Coffers’ account, of just 7l. 10s.; and here is Mr. Coffers’ cheque for the remainder.”
“You must excuse me, madam,” I said; “but I have only had the houses a month, and you have brought me in bills of nine months’ taxes, and the repair of cistern.”
“Oh!” she said, “that is a matter that required immediate attention, and you could not expect us to send all the way to Little Turnwheel Street for a plumber.” The allusion to my address she accompanied with an evident sneer.
“I should like to consult Mr. Coffers,” I replied, “before I give you a receipt.”
“It’s no use your calling at the Bank,” she said. “He cannot attend to you there, and he does not like to be disturbed when he comes home to dinner. The taxes you are charged with have to be allowed to the tenant in the rent, and you must apply to Mr. Jollybold if he did not allow you the deduction when you purchased the houses. Mr. Coffers, thinking probably you might be ignorant of these matters (another sneer at Little Turnwheel Street), requested me to give you this information; and he has left a receipt, drawn in a proper manner, which you will be kind enough to sign.”
After a little demur I did so, and left with a cheque for 8l. 15s. instead of 16l. 5s.
Mr. Crantin, No. 2, was not at home, and Mrs. Crantin knew nothing about business matters. I must call at Mr. Crantin’s offices in Polyblank Court.
I had not much hope of Mr. Dunderly.
“Ah! Flintbudden,” he said, “how are you? Brought a builder to set out my laboratory? Upon my word you are a genuine fellow. I am glad to have such a man for a landlord. I don’t regret that Jollybold met with such a customer for his houses.”
“I don’t congratulate myself on having such a tenant as you are, Mr. Dunderly—so I tell you plainly. You know very well I don’t intend to build your laboratory, and it is only press of business that has prevented me from troubling you with law proceedings for wilful damage to my house.”
“Well, I can assure you, Pindudgeon—”
“I must beg of you to call me by my proper name,” I said, snappishly. “My name is Fingudgeon, and you have called me a dozen other names at least.”
“I beg your pardon, Fingudgeon, but that is such an outrageous combination that our chemical couplings are as nothing to it. Let me see, what were we talking about?”
“The object of my visit,” I said, “you know from my letter.”
“What letter? I have been so much engaged lately in carrying out a series of valuable experiments which are destined to confer such immense benefits to mankind at large, that I have overlooked matters relating to one’s self. And so you wrote to me, did you? And as you are here, perhaps you will be good enough to tell me what was the purport of the letter, to save me the trouble of looking for it.”
“Plainly, then, Mr. Dunderly, I have called for the quarter’s rent, which I apprised you, by letter, was due a fortnight ago.”
“No wonder then,” he replied, as coolly as possible—“no wonder I didn’t pay any attention to it. Do you know I never pay any attention to mere applications for money by a private individual. In fact to me they are a matter of rejoicing, and I pass them over to my wife with the remark, ‘Luck again, my dear. Jones, or Brown, or Smith, or Green—as the case may be—will wait another month before they take proceedings;’ and, I assure you, I let ’em wait,” said Mr. Dunderly, with a chuckle.
“But rent is an obligation that cannot be passed over so lightly,” I said.
“Quite right, Pillgudgeon,” he replied; “and the more cautious a man ought to be, when he pays his rent, to know that he is paying it to the right party.”
“You don’t doubt my authority to collect my own rents, do you, Mr. Dunderly?”
“I have no doubt,” he said, “that you are an honourable man, Mr. Flintgudgeon—there, I am right in your name for once—and that your address is Little Turnwheel Street, but in what direction that locality may be I know no more than Jupiter; but as for any legal proof that you have purchased this house of Mr. Jollybold, you have given me none. I have no doubt that Jollybold has sold his interest in it, but it does not of necessity follow that you are the purchaser, or that you have any more right to demand the rent than any lawyer’s clerk out of luck who might call in on speculation. I should not pay him of course, but as you are in reality as much a stranger to me as any lawyer’s clerk (and I assure you a much greater stranger than some), I must request you to give me some more definite evidence of being Mr. Jollybold’s successor than you have yet done, Mr. Filgudgeon.”
“I’ll go and fetch Mr. Jollybold, who will at once convince you. We will settle that in ten minutes, Mr. Dunderly.”
“Will you?” he returned. “Then I expect you’ll take an aerial flight, and a pretty quick one, Mr. Findudgeon.”
“What do you mean?” I said. “Mr. Jollybold wrote to me, only a week back, that he would call on me in a few days in answer to a letter I had written him.”
“You don’t know Jollybold has emigrated then?” he replied; “why he’s halfway to the
