absolutely senseless and unclean. Again, in the second place, there was also my repugnance for common women, and fear of infection.
In the meantime, in secret, my sexual life went on in the old fashion. Whenever my old fancies came to mind, violent erection occurred, and I provoked ejaculations almost daily. I began to suffer with all kinds of nervous troubles, and now regarded myself as impotent, in spite of powerful erections and intense desire when I was alone. Nevertheless, from time to time I continued my experiments with prostitutes. In time I overcame my timidity, and in part my aversion to contact with common women; but I remained absolutely cold.
After I had, with advancing years, overcome to some extent my shyness and my inclination to indulge in dreams, in my sexual thought there was an approach to the normal, as I began to direct my interest to real persons. I was even successful in directing sensual thoughts to women of my acquaintance, without carrying over any of my peculiar ideas from the other sphere. Thus I had some affairs with respectable girls. Embracing and kissing occurred; desire was excited, but not the power,—at least, it was too weak to allow me to think that under normal circumstances I should be virile. Of course, the attention I gave to the excitation of my sexual power was not calculated to favor this. Thus, always greatly ashamed, I broke off the relations.
With this, my old habit continued. I was still a great onanist, even though with lessened power. But my fancy no longer satisfied me entirely. I now began to follow both respectable women and others on the street; in winter, particularly those wearing velvet and furs. I often followed prostitutes to their homes, and had them perform manustupration. I always thought I should find more real pleasure in that than in my fancies; but it was always less. When the woman took off her garments, my interest followed them. The empty clothing has never attracted me very strongly, but more than the nude female. The real object of my interest was the attired woman. In this, velvet and furs play the most important part; but also all other articles of attire attracted me, and particularly the form as brought out by lacing and padding. I had scarcely any other interest in the nude female form than an æsthetic one. I have always had a very great interest in the shoes of women, particularly in slippers with high heels, which is always connected with the thought of being trod upon, or of submissively kissing the foot.
At last I overcame the last vestige of my shyness, and one day, to realize my dreams, had myself whipped, trod upon, etc., by a prostitute. The result was a great disappointment. What was done to me I felt to be rough, repugnant, and silly. The blows caused me nothing but pain; the situation, repugnance and shame. Nevertheless, I induced an ejaculation mechanically, with which, with the help of my imagination, I transformed the real situation into that for which I longed. This—the really
