as a woman might love her bridegroom. But I cannot say this for myself; for I still believed that I was but a depressed man, who would come to himself, and find himself out by marriage. But, even on my marriage-night, I felt that I was only a woman in man’s form; sub femina locum meum esse mihi visum est. On the whole, we lived contented and happy, and for two years were childless. After a difficult pregnancy, during which I was in mortal fear of death, the first boy was born in a difficult labor,—a boy on whom a melancholy nature still hangs; who is still of melancholy disposition. Then came a second, who is very quiet; a third, full of peculiarities; a fourth, a fifth; and all have predisposition to neurasthenia. Since I always felt out of my own place, I went much in gay society; but I always worked as much as human strength would allow. I studied and operated; and I experimented with many drugs and methods of cure, always on myself. I left the regulation of the house to my wife, as she understood house-keeping very well. My marital duties I performed as well as I could, but without personal satisfaction. Since the first coitus, the masculine position in it has been repugnant, and, too, difficult for me. I should have much preferred to have the other rôle. When I had to deliver my wife, it almost broke my heart; for I knew how to appreciate her pain. Thus we lived long together, until severe gout drove me to various baths, and made me neurasthenic. At the same time, I became so anæmic that every few months I had to take iron for some time; otherwise I would be almost chlorotic or hysterical, or both. Stenocardia often troubled me; then came unilateral cramps of chin, nose, neck, and larynx; hemicrania and cramps of the diaphragm and chest-muscles. For about three years I had a feeling as if the prostate were enlarged,—a bearing-down feeling, as if giving birth to something; and, also, pain in the hips, constant pain in the back, and the like. Yet, with the strength of despair, I fought against these complaints, which impressed me as being female or effeminate, until three years ago, when a severe attack of arthritis completely broke me down.
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