woman. My whole body is then filled with this sensation, as an immersed piece of sugar is filled with water, or as full as a soaked sponge. It is like this: first, a woman longing for love, and then, fora man; and, in fact, the desire, as it seems to me, is more a longing to be possessed than a wish for coitus. The intense natural instinct or the feminine concupiscence overcomes the feeling of modesty, so that indirectly coitus is desired. I have never felt coitus in a masculine way more than three times in my life; and even if it were so in general, I was always indifferent about it. But, during the last three years, I have experienced it passively, like a woman; in fact, oftentimes with the feeling of feminine ejaculation; and I always feel that Iam impregnated. Iam always fatigued as a woman is after it, and often feel ill, as a man never does. Sometimes it caused me so great pleasure that there is nothing with which I can compare it; it is the most blissful and powerful feeling in the world; at that moment the woman is simply a vulva that has devoured the whole person.
“During the last three years I have never lost for an instant the feeling of being a woman, and now, owing to habit, this is no longer annoying to me, though during this period I have felt debased; for a man could endure to feel like a woman without a desire for enjoyment; but when desires come! The happiness ceases; then come the burning, the heat, the feeling of turgor of the genitals (when the penis is not in a state of erection the genitals do not play any part). In case of intense desire, the feeling of sucking in the vagina and vulva is really terrible—a hellish pain of lust hardly to be endured. If I then have opportunity to perform coitus, it is better; but, owing to defective sense of being possessed by the other, it does not afford complete satisfaction; the feeling of sterility comes with its weight of shame, added to the feeling of passive copulation and injured modesty. I seem almost like a prostitute. Reason does not give any help; the imperative feeling of femininity dominates and rules everything. The difficulty in carrying on one’s occupation, under such circumstances, is easily appreciated; but it is possible to force one’s self to it. Of course, it is almost impossible to sit, walk, or lie down; at least, any one of these cannot be endured long; and with the constant touch of the trousers, etc., it is unendurable.
“Marriage then, except during coitus, where the man has to feel himself a woman, is like two women living together, one of whom regards herself as in the mask of a man. If the periodical molimen fail to occur, then come the feelings of pregnancy or of sexual satiety, which a man never experiences, but which take possession of the whole being, just as the feeling of femininity does, and are repugnant in themselves; and, therefore, I gladly welcome the regular molimen again. When erotic dreams or ideas occur, I see myself in the form I have as a woman, and see erected organs presenting. Since the anus feels feminine, it would not be hard to become a passive pederast; only positive religious command
