Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/259

The next morning I would be crazy about myself. Fortunately, I found no one. In the second semester, I went. to M. This was my happiest time. I had pleasant friends, and, for a wonder, took pleasure in women, and was very happy about it. I had a love-affair with a young girl of spoiled character, with whom I spent wild nights. I was extraordinarily virile. I, who had formerly been chaste, also associated with other women, as never before. I felt fresh and well after coitus. I was not charmed so much by the female figure, which was never beautiful to me, as by—I know not what. In short, I knew women whose touch immediately induced erection. This joy and state of delight did not last long. I was so foolish as to take rooms with a friend. We had one sleeping-room. My friend was very talented and amiable, and a favorite with women; and it was by these characteristics that he at first so strongly attracted me. In fact, I love only highly-educated men; uneducated, powerful persons are able to excite me intensely only for the moment, and cannot retain my affections. I soon fell in love with my friend. Then came the terrible time that destroyed my health. I slept in the same room with my friend, and had to see him undress daily; so that it required all my strength to keep from betraying myself. I became nervous, cried easily, and was jealous of those who associated with my friend. I still associated with women; but it was only with difficulty that I could perform coitus, which, like woman, was repugnant to me. The same women who had excited me intensely, no longer had any effect on me. I followed my friend to W., where he met an earlier friend, with whom he associated. I became jealous and sick with love and longing. At the same time, I associated with women again, but seldom, and only with difficulty, indulged in coitus. I became terribly depressed and almost insane. Work was out of the question. I led a foolish, wild life, and spent a great amount of money, almost throwing it away. Then, after six weeks of it, I broke down, and had to visit a water-cure, where I spent many months. There I came to myself again, and soon became much liked; for I can be very gay, and I take great pleasure in the society of educated ladies. In conversation, I prefer married women to younger girls; I am also very gay in the society of gentlemen at the beer-table and bowling-alley.

“At this sanitarium I met a man of twenty-nine, who was apparently constituted like myself. The fellow forced himself upon me, and wanted to embrace and kiss me; but he was very repugnant to me, though he excited me, and his touch caused erection, and even ejaculation. One evening he got me to perform mutual onanism. After it I spent a most frightful, sleepless night; I was terribly disgusted with the whole affair, and thought I should never do such a thing with a man again. All day long I could get no rest. It was terrible to me that, in spite of this, and against my will, this man so excited me sexually; yet, on the other hand, it gave me satisfaction that he was in love with me, and apparently had