For, in the first place, though the woman charmed me, the charm would soon be lost in regular intercourse, and then all sexual indulgence, if not impossible, would certainly be devoid of pleasure for me; and, in the second place, true love for the wife would be wanting—the attraction that I feel with young men I love, and which makes the intercourse that is not simply sensual seem desirable to me. The constant association with a youth physically pleasing and in mental harmony with me, and who could understand all my feelings and share my intellectual opinions and desires, would, it seems to me, be the greatest happiness.
“The young men who please me must be between eighteen and twenty-eight. As I have grown older, the limit of age in those pleasing to me has increased; otherwise, I am pleased with the most various forms. The principal rôle, if not the exclusive one, is played by the face. Blondes excite me more than dark persons; they must have no beard, but merely a small moustache that is not too thick, or none at all. As for the rest, the only thing I can say is, that certain kinds of faces please me. Faces with large, straight noses are excluded, as are also pale cheeks; but there are exceptions. I regard soldiers with favor, and many please me when in uniform who do not affect me when in civil dress. Just as in women certain ordinary articles of dress (like light-colored jackets) please me, so the military costume attracts me. To go to dance-halls—usually beer-halls—where there are many soldiers, and mix with the crowd of soldiers and boys that please me, and try to get a kiss and embrace,—this mingling with them would, of course, be an excitant only of sensuality; intellectually and socially, everything common in speech and conduct is repugnant to me.
“With young men of higher position, my sensual desire is less prominent.
“What I have said of the attractiveness of certain kinds of dress is not to be understood in the sense that they attract me in themselves. This charm only means that the dress may help to strengthen or make prominent the attraction exerted by the face, when, perhaps, the same face in itself would not attract me to the same extent. I may say the same thing, though with a different meaning, of the odor of lighted cigars. In indifferent persons the odor of cigars is rather repugnant than pleasing to me, but exciting in those sexually attractive. The kiss of a prostitute smelling of cigar-smoke, affords greater pleasure (because, even though in part unconsciously, I am reminded of the kiss of a man). Therefore, I took pleasure in kissing my lover just after he had smoked. (It is to be noted that I myself have never smoked a cigar or cigarette, and have never even tried to smoke.) I am tall and thin; my face is masculine; my eyes are restless; and in my whole form I often have something girlish. My health leaves much to be desired. It is much influenced by my sexual anomaly. As previously mentioned, I am very nervous, and I often have paroxysms of onomatomania. At times, I also
