a particular charm for me; and by their handsome uniforms and fine presence they especially excite my desire. I have no opportunity to approach them, or even to enter into distant social intercourse with them; but I am compelled to satisfy myself with following them in the streets and squares; or in restaurants, horse-cars or railways, by sitting near them, and, when it is possible to do it unnoticed, under such circumstances, by practicing onanism. My most ardent wish has often been to become the friend, servant, or slave of such a young man.
“I have never even dreamed of direct pederasty; my desire has always been bodily contact, embrace, manustupration of my genitals by my lover, and, on my part, a kiss on his genitals or podex.
“I often have the desire, however, to represent Sacher-Masoch in his ‘Venus in Furs.’ There a man makes himself the voluntary slave of a woman, and feels an intense thrill of lustful pleasure, if he is only chastised and humiliated by her. But I naturally feel that I could, under no circumstances, become the slave of a woman, but only of a man; more correctly, of a young man; one, however, for whom I should have such an infinite love that I could give myself up entirely to his mercy or cruelty.
“The lustful images that float before my mind in masturbation are those of this or that young man that I have just seen. As a sad and incomplete substitute, I practice this onanism constantly.
“I pass into a lustful dream in this way (and I say all here, because I wish to write only the truth and the whole truth): I choose a young man that pleases me by his form, and in imagination give myself up to involuntary obedience to him. I imagine that he wishes to humiliate me, and that he commands me, for example, to kiss his feet; or compels me to smell his socks. For want of the desired actuality, I take my own socks, smell of them, take them into my mouth, rub them over my genitals, and immediately erection and ejaculation, with sensual pleasure, take place.
“Yes, I am so dominated by this mental imagery that I imagine that the young man is my confessor, and, in order to humiliate me, orders me to eat of his excrement. Here again, in want of actuality, I eat of my own excrement, but only in small quantity. Then, with an imperfect feeling of disgust and violent palpitation of the heart, erection and ejaculation take place.
“However, I come to this vile, feverish imagery and the performance of these acts, only when it has not been possible for me for a long time to satisfy myself by onanism in the immediate vicinity of a young man.
“This is for me more natural, because I then have more pleasure, and experience a more perfect physical and mental benefit, even though my ideal of actual and direct satisfaction in mutual understanding were never to be accorded me.
